DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: What does it mean when my sex drive dries up with every new partner?
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I’m 34 years old, straight male, and this has been a consistent problem in all my relationships for as long as I can remember. Almost every time I’m in a relationship with someone, I follow the same pattern. I start off crazy about them and we can’t keep our hands off one another and I feel like maybe this is going to be the one that breaks the cycle.
It never happens like that and my desire for them just goes away. Sometimes it tapers off, other times it feels like a switch got flipped and I’m just not interested in sex with them anymore. I find myself making excuses or trying to put off having sex with them when they offer and if I try to get things going for their sake I usually end up unable to finish with them and have to do it myself later, or I can’t even get aroused in the first place and have to resort to using my hands. Eventually we break up because the sex just isn’t there and the stress of it makes us resent each other. But I can still get things going for porn or other women, so I don’t think it’s just standard ED.
I don’t know why this keeps happening. I worry that maybe I’m getting into relationships with the wrong people or committing too soon or maybe I’m just not as in love with them as I thought? I don’t think I’m dating people I’m not attracted to otherwise; all of my exes have been gorgeous and sexy to me when we start dating. But then the switch flips and I can see they’re hot but I just… can’t and we break up. I don’t know why.
Is there something wrong with me? What should I be doing to try to keep my desire for my partners? Should I just start expecting this and just stay with the relationship and hope things spark back up again?
Please help, I’m getting so tired of all of my relationships ending the same way and I’m afraid I’m going to end up never finding something lifelong.
Losing Out On Love
DEAR LOSING OUT ON LOVE: This isn’t an emotional issue so much as a psychological and biological one, LOOL. What you’re experiencing is what’s known as The Coolidge Effect – where sexual desire for another person tapers off after a period of time.
In the early days of having sex with a new partner, we experience what’s frequently referred to as “new relationship energy”, where everything is incredible, we’re unspeakably aroused by our partner and we’re determined to test the structural integrity of every flat surface in the house by banging out on it like a pair of methed out weasels in a sack. This honeymoon period is triggered by the massive production of oxytocin and dopamine flooding the pleasure centers of our brains when we’re having sex with this new person; we are literally getting high from f--king them and vice versa.
But that doesn’t last; over time, as we get acclimated to this new partner, we start to produce less and less of the happy chemicals when we bang and so we don’t get the same high from it. But when we start having sex with a new partner, those chemicals surge again to those intoxicating levels.
This is something that’s present in most mammals, but it’s rather significant in humans because we’re one of the few mammals that mate outside of estrus and have sex for reasons besides procreation. We’re also the only ones that ascribe meaning and morality to it.
Pretty much everybody feels that drop off from the days of the honeymoon period of the relationship. You can blame humanity’s intense adaptability; we’re able to get used to literally anything. Hedonic adaptation means that things that bring us intense pleasure eventually just become our status quo – as Billy Bob Thornton once inelegantly said: “she can be the sexiest woman in the world, but eventually it’s like f--king the couch”.
(In fairness: that’s one sexy couch.)
Now, for some, the drop off is notable, but not dire. In others, it’s fairly significant. You seem to be one of the latter. This doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person or that you don’t love your partners or that you don’t desire them. It just means that you’re someone who needs a lot of sexual variety and novelty… and that’s going to be pretty incompatible with a standard monogamous commitment.
As you’ve noticed: trying to force your way past it doesn’t really work. You’re not happy and your partners aren’t happy, especially since it can feel like a judgement on your feelings for them or their attractiveness rather than just how you’re wired. Trying to pretend it’s not happening or that you’re going through a down patch is ultimately just putting off the inevitable, and that just ends up making things worse for everyone.
This is one of those times where the best thing you can do is accept that this is who you are and lean into it. In practice, this may mean that you recognize you’re someone who’s only open to short term relationships, or embracing a form of ethical non-monogamy and dating women who are equally open to non-monogamy. A lot of people who have similar experiences to yours, where their desire for their partner fades rapidly in a monogamous relationship, find that having a wider variety of sexual outlets and partners simultaneously actually preserves their relationships. Because they have a greater degree of sexual novelty, they don’t lose their desire for their partners at the same rate or to the same degree. This also means that their partners don’t feel neglected or rejected, since they’re also able to get their needs met – with you and with their other partners.
If you’re not someone who can do non-monogamy or polyamory and you want a long term relationship, then you’re going to have to adjust what you’re looking for. If the sex is always going to fade and you’re not willing to look to outside partners, then your best option would be to choose partners and relationships where your connection isn’t about sex as much as companionship, intimacy, respect and shared affection. A lot of people do choose companionate marriages, where sex simply isn’t an important part of why they stay together. But as a man in his mid-30s with a healthy sex drive – and yes, this is healthy, just inconvenient – that may not work for you; this would entail giving up sex entirely after the initial NRE fades.
Now I do want to point out: one relationship isn’t superior or more meaningful to another, just because it could be measured in years or decades, rather than weeks or months. Short term relationships can be incredibly rich, rewarding and meaningful, too; the quality of the relationship is down to the people involved, not its longevity.
But if you’re looking for both an active sex life and a life-long commitment to another person? You’re going to need to accept that you’re not someone who can do monogamy long-term and focus your energy on finding partners who are open to some form of non-monogamy, whether it’s the occasional hall pass to hook up with another person or having multiple concurrent relationships.
Again: this is normal. This doesn’t mean you’re a bad person, that you don’t love your partners, that you’re not working hard enough or that you’re not attracted to them. It’s just the way you’re wired. You can fight against it, or you can accept that it’s who you genuinely are and roll with it. And the latter is going to make you much happier, especially in the long run.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com