DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, big fan.  

I’m a 32 y/o woman, who got divorced 2 years, ago. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage with a narcissist, and after I started going to therapy I realized I needed to end it. I’ve been working hard on myself and developing a strong self-esteem, I’ve honestly never felt better about myself in my whole life.

After the divorce I felt like I wasn’t ready for a relationship, but I wanted to explore my sexuality more, so I started to look for casual relationships. I also started to question monogamy, so I befriended a few poly and other non-monogamous folks. Learned a lot that applies to all kinds of relationships, and had a lot of fun. During all this, I met in Bumble a guy in an open marriage and we started to see each other about once a week, just for sex. I asked about his motives for opening the relationship because I was curious, and he told me his wife wasn’t interested in sex anymore and she gave him permission to satisfy his needs somewhere else, but to keep it a secret. I thought maybe that wasn’t a great way of dealing with things, but hey, it was none of my business and who am I to judge.

From day one, we had great chemistry, best sex ever, we really liked each other and had a lot in common. I tried to keep my distance to not get too attached, avoided talking about emotional things, didn’t go on dates, just tried not to bond too much in general.

But I knew we were growing closer and closer, and slowly I lowered my barriers, and soon enough we were going on dates, spending nights together, bonding. At the same time, I started to feel like I was ready for a serious relationship. I realized that, unsurprisingly, I fell in love with this man, but I knew he couldn’t give me what I wanted. So I broke up with him and told him why. It was the most sad and beautiful breakup I’ve ever had. We held each other, and cried for what felt like hours, and we let each other go. I told him to look for me if he was ever single and wanted the same things as me.

It was really hard but I had the emotional tools to deal with it. He contacted me a couple of times telling me how much he missed me, but I told him that I wasn’t going back to what we had, and to please don’t be selfish and make this harder for me. So he respected my wishes and we were no-contact for a few months. I kept busy, dated other people, focused on work, I was generally fine.

A few more months went by, and then I got a text from him asking me to talk. We met for coffee and he told me that a few weeks after we broke up, he got separated and is getting divorced. He said he had an emotional breakdown where he questioned his whole life and choices, so he started going to therapy, and is working hard on improving himself. Then he asked if I was willing to start seeing each other again. I said yes, but only if he was ready for an actual relationship. We talked about how healthy relationships aren’t our strong suit, and the ways we can improve and not fall back to our old patterns. I told him I needed honesty, communication, and consistency. We agreed to take it slow (because I have a tendency to rush things) but with the intention to grow closer and build something together.

I like him so much, I feel like we are super compatible. He’s been doing everything I’ve asked for. He treats me like and equal, listens to me, never dismisses my emotions, respects my boundaries, he’s kind, funny, sweet, smart, and a very generous lover. He texts me every day, and replies as soon as he can, gives me compliments all the time, shares his favorite comic books, always makes sure I’m comfortable, and asks me what he can do to improve in bed.

These are all great things but I feel like they are the bare minimum, whatever anybody should expect from their partner. How do I tell him I want more? I’d like for him to plan a date not just ask me what I want to do. I want flowers, I want to go on a weekend trip, more words of affirmation, more non-sexual physical contact.

I have been accepting the bare minimum because all my previous relationships have been less that that, so this one seems incredible in comparison. I’ve never been in a relationship that wasn’t a bit abusive. I was used to being gaslighted, lied to, cheated on, insulted, and ignored, so when somebody treats me like an actual human being it feels like they’re the most amazing person in the planet.

We’ve only been officially dating for 6 weeks, but it feels a lot longer because of the relationship we had before, it’s very confusing.

Am I asking for too much? How can I bring this up with him without being too demanding? I’ve casually mentioned before it would be nice if he planned a date, and he did it one time, but not much changed and I don’t think he realizes how important it is to me. Also, I don’t wanna be passive-aggressive like I used to be and just be slipping in comments here and there.

Thank you for reading,

Asking For Too Much?

DEAR ASKING FOR TOO MUCH: Before I get to your question AFTM, I just want to address something that made my Spidey-sense tingle. When you met your beau, he was in an open marriage because his wife wasn’t interested in sex any more and he was keeping things on the down low. Then, after you broke up and told him to contact you when he was single again, he said that he and his wife were separated and going to get divorced.

So I say this with the full acknowledgement that there’re folks in ethically non-monogamous marriages who have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” arrangement, and those are fully valid when everyone’s agreed to them. However, the “my wife just isn’t into sex any more and gave me permission to sleep around but don’t tell anyone” is one of the most common lies around. So, too, is “we’re going to get divorced… eventually”. I’m not saying that your boyfriend is lying to you, but these are definitely areas where I’d advocate a “trust but verify” approach. Especially since plenty of s--tty people have used those exact stories in order to dupe folks who’re looking to date them in good faith.

Now with that out of the way, the answer to your particular dilemma is simple: tell him what you want. Saying “hey, this is what I need from you” isn’t being demanding or nagging; it’s saying “these are my needs, these are the things I’m lacking.” The problem here is that if you’re hinting at things or only mentioning it once in an off-handed way, he may not realize that the importance that this has to you or that you want it to be more than just an one-time or occasional thing. While I understand the worry of seeming to “demanding”, if these are baselines that you need to be happy in a relationship… well, then you need to be willing to treat them as things that you need in a relationship. That means saying it straight up, rather than obliquely hinting and suggesting and hoping that he catches on.

If you’re worried about coming off as too demanding or nagging, then you can frame it differently. You don’t need to say “hey you’re falling down on the job, straighten up and give me these things right now.” Instead think of it as “this is how you win with me”. You’re not asking for too much or insisting on his going above and beyond the call of duty, you’re giving him the cheat codes to a successful relationship with you. You’re telling him precisely how he can sweep you off your feet and be the best damn boyfriend you’ve ever had. That sounds like information that any partner worth their salt would be interested in having, wouldn’t you agree?

There’re a lot of ways that you could bring this up, but I think the easiest for you would be to adapt the framework of the Awkward Conversation. Schedule time to talk, so you both make sure that you can actually give this conversation the time and attention it needs, then let him know: “Hey, in my past relationships, I was really lacking X, Y and Z. Having X, Y and Z in this relationship would take something good and make it amazing. In an ideal world, here’s what X, Y and Z would look like to me, here’s how it would make me feel and why.” Don’t be afraid to be specific; if you want particular gestures or specific types of affirmation, tell him. Telling him that you want these specific things doesn’t take away the specialness of it, nor does it mean that he’d only be doing it because you asked.

Think of it this way: would you expect him to magically divine your favorite foods out of the ether? If you said “$_DISH is my favorite, I love it,” and then two weeks later he made it for you, would you think he was only doing it because you mentioned it? Or would you see that he decided to make you your favorite because he knew you’d appreciate it? Telling him that you need X and then his providing you with X isn’t him only doing it because you asked, it’s him acting on information that he didn’t have before. Being direct and upfront about your needs isn’t cheapening or diminishing them when they’re met, it’s letting them know, clearly and succinctly, what they should do and how.

And trust me: most guys would much rather know exactly what their partners want and need to be happy than to be expected to read their minds or figure it out via trial and error.

So if you want flowers and for him to plan more dates, tell him this. If you need words of affirmation, tell him what that sounds like. You’re giving him the secret codes that unlock your heart, instead of hoping he’ll find them eventually. Life’s too short for stupid games that “prove” someone loves you and wants you to be happy. Give ’em the guidebook and understand that folks who are worth your time and affection will read it and put it to use because they will want you to be happy and feel adored.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m sure you receive a ton of questions every day, but I am going to try to ask one that is worth your time. I was very happily “blue pilled,” if just being a normal dude and holding normal belief about dating can be called that, for the first 19 or so years of my life. However, last year, after breaking up with my most recent girlfriend (a relationship that also happened to be a formative one for me, looking back at it), I was discussing how I felt about it with one of my friends, and in that discussion, he said something to the effect of “this level of emotional pain with breakups is mainly for men. Women can find a new boyfriend way easier than we can find a new girlfriend.” It was this same person who introduced me to the red pill. Now, from the start, I was revolted by most red pill beliefs and worked hard to convince myself that they were false. For the most part, I have done that successfully, as I have found most of their belief package, if you will, fairly easy to disregard, especially a lot of the “alpha male” bulls--t. The same goes for (their interpretation of) hypergamy and the idea that women don’t love the same way that men do. 

However, the one belief of theirs that I haven’t been able to shake is the idea that women have many more options than men. It was that particular belief that led me to question my friend as to why he held that line of thinking, and that belief that eventually led to me being introduced to the red pill in the first place. And the reason that I am writing to you now is that it has impacted my dating experience ever since in a very tangible way. Allow me to explain. As a man, it makes me feel incredibly replaceable and almost of little value to women. Outside of red pill spaces, I have even seen it said that, “d--k is abundant and low value,” or something along those lines. I guess, to some extent, we are all replaceable, but i just can’t shake the idea that there is some massive power imbalance between me and any girl I’m dating where she can drop me at any time and find a new guy almost effortlessly while I’ll be out in the cold.

I know that in the past you have addressed, in length, self-limiting beliefs, who has the power in dating, etc. I guess, in some ways, this could qualify as a question that you have already, to some effect, answered. However, I haven’t seen anything to this point here or elsewhere to refute the specific belief that women have more options in dating.

So, what do you think? Is it true that women have vastly more options than men, or is that a myth? And if it is not a myth, how do we as men move past it and enjoy dating anyways?

Change My Mind

DEAR CHANGE MY MIND: Alright my dude, I’m gonna give you partial credit for partially recognizing that the whole Red Pill/MRA/Andrew Tate/Fresh-n-Fit mindset is bulls--t. But as my teacher used to say: you don’t get full credit for an incomplete answer. What you’re seeing and thinking right now is precisely why those chuds are popular with some, despite being so off about women, men and dating they’d have to course correct for weeks before they start managing to be in the same general zip code as “wrong”, never mind right. What they do is toss out a lot of things that feel true, especially to people who don’t have much social or dating experience. This allows them to ease you into their web. After all, if they’re correct about this aspect of dating, then they’re probably right about other stuff, right?

Not so much. But that’s how they draw you in.

One of entry points is the ever classic “women have more dating options than men do.” As the meme goes: this will be the seventh time we have debunked this argument, and we are getting increasingly efficient at it.

Now, I would suggest is that you go through the archives and look at the number of times I’ve discussed this particular topic. I would also suggest that you read the comments of the various women who’ve shared their experiences on just how damn hard it is to date or find someone worth dating. That last part is very important, and we’ll get back to it in a second.

But first, let’s address the thing your buddy said: “This level of emotional pain is mostly for men, because women can always find a new boyfriend.” Do you see the inherent issue with this particular statement? No? Ok, let’s think about it this way. When you broke up with your girlfriend, how did you feel? Did you, for example, feel as though you’d lost someone you cared deeply for and who was significant and important to you? Did you feel that you could find another person – literally any warm female-presenting body – who would seem as special or precious to you? Or did it feel like you might never find someone quite as awesome as they were? Were you ready to just leap right back into the dating scene with no hesitation and go out with the first person to say “yes”? Or did you need time to feel your feelings, go through the full range of emotions as you processed your break up and spend time healing before even thinking about making yourself vulnerable again?

Seeing as you were talking about it with your friend, you felt a lot of pain for the loss of her, specifically, and the idea that you could just slot someone new in and not tell the difference seemed absurd to you. So why, in pluperfect f--kery, would you assume that the same is true for women? Unless you’re starting from the place that women just don’t have emotions or don’t care about people they date, this is absurd on its face. Or if you were feeling ill-used and tossed aside in the wake of a particularly painful breakup. Which, again, is part of how the grifters get you; they prey on that sense of pain and loss and the understandably irrational way you’re feeling  when you’re deep in the pain of a loss.

However, all of this is predicated on “well it feels true”… but this absolutely vanishes if you take even half a second to think about it logically. I mean yes, there’s the whole “hey, women are people too…” aspect of it all, but consider just how many TV shows, movies, books, blogs and magazine articles exist that teach women how to find, attract and keep a man? If it were as easy as hailing a taxi – as so many folks seem to think – then this entire industry wouldn’t exist. I mean, if it were that simple, then books like The Rules or Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady, Why Men Love Bitches or He’s Just Not That Into You wouldn’t exist, nor would Nicholas Sparks have a career.

But let’s zero in on another thing you mentioned: the phrase “d--k is abundant and of low value”. This is a phrase that Alanna Massey coined when talking about her experiences in online dating – specifically that all the majority of men on Tinder were offering was mediocre-at-best sex… in other words: d--k. An offer of d--k in and of itself is ultimately meaningless, either as a measure of one’s attractiveness or as a measure of value. If all she wanted was to sleep with someone who demonstrated that they couldn’t give a single s--t about her pleasure, then yeah, d--k is abundant… and of low value.

This, incidentally is exactly what gets perpetrated by chuds like Tate; the advice of “women who’ve slept with lots of men have no reason to stick around, so you want someone who’s never had a boyfriend before” translates to “you don’t need to be good at sex, you just need a woman who doesn’t know what good sex is.” Why bother pulling out your A-game when you can (supposedly) just find someone who doesn’t know your no-effort banging isn’t the best she’ll ever have? What red-blooded heterosexual woman wouldn’t leap for a man with such a mindset? Orgasm gap? What orgasm gap?

Now you may well have seen screenshots of a Psychology Today article going around entitled “The Rise of Single, Lonely Men”, with the money quote of “Dating opportunities for heterosexual men are diminishing as relationship standards rise.” A lot of folks have spilled a lot of ink and pixels over this, but it’s making a very salient point: a lot of guys are struggling in dating because women’s standards have risen. That is, women want more from potential partners than the bare minimum, and men are struggling because they’ve never felt the need to do more than that. Women aren’t willing to put up with mediocre, no-effort guys who can’t be bothered to do things as simple as work on being more emotionally available and expressive in a healthy way, being better at communicating with their partners and addressing their mental and emotional health.

This is precisely what Massey was expressing with “d--k is abundant and of low value.” The guys who mere messaging here were merely throwing d--k her way. They were making literally no effort other than to say “here, attractive female, leap on this while requiring literally no more effort from me.” This was a bar so low that you could step over it and most of Tinder couldn’t be bothered to do even that much. And considering how women face disproportionate risks when it comes to sex – physically, emotionally and socially – why would a woman want to have sex with someone when their behavior indicates that the sex simply wouldn’t be good enough to be worth the risk? Most of the time, your “competition” isn’t other men, it’s her spending a night at home with her vibrator and a browser window open to the smut section of An Archive of Our Own.

So yes, women have more “options” when it comes to dating in the same way that if you’re starving and broke, you have the option of eating the leftovers out of the garbage behind a restaurant. How can you say you’re hungry when there’s so much garbage and so many rotting sandwiches you could be eating? Really if you’re holding out for Subway at the bare minimum, aren’t you just being snobbish?

Or to put it another way: imagine someone you find profoundly unattractive – in looks, in personality or both. Now imagine that every time you dipped a toe in the dating scene, 99% of the women you met were like that, and they were all throwing offers of sex at you. Would you feel like you were drowning in riches beyond dreams of avarice? Or would you start to dread the idea of ever going on a date again?

How do you move past this? Well, the best thing you could do is make friends with more women. Not women you’re hoping to date, or women you’d date if given the option, but just women in general. Make friends with wide swaths of women, get to know them and realize that their lives aren’t so different from yours. Realize how much of what you were told about women, their wants and their desires and their experiences were bulls--t. Take time to actually listen to them when they talk about their dating experiences and realize – really, really realize – that they’re people just like you and that they experience pain, heartbreak, frustration and dry spells, just like you.

Trust me: even women who are stunningly beautiful have problems meeting quality men. I have friends who are  lingerie models who’ve dealt with so many s--tty dudes – including celebrities you know well – that they literally swore off sex and dating for years. If you’re hungry and the only offers that you’re getting are rotting garbage, you’d swear off food you didn’t make yourself too.

And then you step up your game and become someone worth dating. And here’s the thing: women want you to be someone worth dating. Women aren’t going around viewing men like interchangeable parts that can be swapped out as needed, nor are they dumping on men because F--k YOU PENIS, THAT’S WHY. They’re saying “please, for the love of all that’s holy, put in some effort. Meet us on our level. We want to see you succeed, too!”

And in a perverse way, the fact that so many dudes can’t be bothered to meet even minimum standards works to your advantage. Putting in the effort to be someone worth dating will make you stand out like a ruby in a pile of gravel.

But it’s important to realize: enjoying dating isn’t going to mean “lots of women want some of this.” It’s going to be a matter of finding folks who’re right for you and who are compatible with you and learning to not over-invest in any one person before it’s time to invest in them. It’s going to mean recognizing that finding someone who’s right for you will be a numbers game and that increasing the odds of meeting those people will entail work and research on your part. Nobody – not even those mythical women with no dating issues – just sits around and waits for the dates to roll in like the tides. You’re going to have to learn to enjoy the process as much as the results.

It can be done. Nobody said it would be easy. They just said that it would be worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been with my partner (M) for 8 years now. I ( f) feel like I’m wired differently than most. I don’t have sex dreams, I don’t have flirty crushes, I don’t have secret fantasies that don’t involve my partner. When I get off on my own, he’s the only one in my head with me. I’ve only ever been truly attracted to him as a person in my life, end of story. Again I know that this is not typical. ( This is important). 

He will have sex dreams about others ( I hear him in his sleep- it’s not me he’s dreaming about and he talks and moans- it’s clear what’s happening). He will then wake up from the dream and initiate real sex with me. This bothers me, because we don’t have sex very often ( not enough for me at least) so I feel like I should jump at this chance when it’s presented. However, knowing that he’s fresh off a dream where he’s having sex with someone else makes me feel bad, like I’m being used. 

Should I feel bad? I know dreams are only dreams; he can’t control them. But it feels like I’m this body substitute in real life for the woman in the dream and it makes me feel bad afterward when I consent, even if it’s been a long while since we’ve had sex.   

Maybe if I had sex dreams too, or fantasies about others, it wouldn’t matter as much to me, but that’s not who I am. And I feel like I’m jealous that he gets these dream experiences as well as real sex when he wants it, and I….. don’t get either. 

So how do I get this out of my head, this feeling of being second best to his dream girl?

Thanks for any insight you have on this.

– The Silver Medal

DEAR THE SILVER MEDAL: You’re creating problems where there aren’t any, TSM. Which isn’t to say that there aren’t necessarily problems… just that you don’t need to add complications to what’s already there.

I wouldn’t say that whether you’re wired differently or not is the issue. It may be a complicating factor, but it’s hardly the cause. There’re plenty of folks who’ve had sex dreams about people other than their partners or who’ve developed crushes on others who also have complex or negative emotional reactions to the idea of their partners fantasizing or having sweaty dreams about other people. More often than not, that reaction is a matter of cultural values and upbringing – the idea that love and monogamy means that you are only attracted to your partner. In practice however, that’s not the case. Humans aren’t naturally monogamous; as a general rule, we enjoy sexual novelty and there’re a lot of biological processes – such as the Coolidge Effect – that reinforce this. A monogamous commitment is just the promise that someone won’t sleep with anyone other than their partner; it doesn’t say anything about not wanting to.

Then there’s the fact that your partner’s having sex dreams about other folks. These ultimately don’t mean anything. While sometimes our feelings or psychological and emotional states may be reflected in our dreams, dreams are for the most part just noise. As the Bard said, they’re a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. While Freud and others have famously made great hash about the meaning of dreams, most of the time, dreams are just that: random images, events and the like.

(And a good thing too, otherwise Freud would have a field day about my dreams of bumping into Travis Willingham, Ashley Johnston and Laura Bailey on golf carts while on vacation in London or having remote controlled kaiju battles with one of my favorite authors.)

As far as the dreams go, I wouldn’t too much stock into what they mean or who they’re about, other than your partner has sex dreams and wakes up horny afterward. It’s not that he’s using you as a substitute for his dream girl; it’s that something random in his imagination got him aroused and now he wants to do something about it. And you happen to be right there.

That having been said, however, his tendency to wake up with a hard-on and immediately roll over is making you feel used. While whatever he’s dreaming about doesn’t have meaning, his behavior is making you feel bad and that is legitimate. While yeah, there’s an understandable impulse to take advantage of his post-REM boner since you aren’t having as much sex as you’d prefer otherwise, the fact that this is leaving you feeling like a human Fleshlight ain’t cool. Leave the specific dream figure out of it and it comes across as “only wanting sex on his schedule and when it doesn’t seem to be about you, specifically.” That is a far bigger issue, to my mind.

Now, if you two were having more sex in other circumstances and this didn’t leave you feeling cheap and used, that might be one thing. If you were cool with the bonus midnight hornt what horns up at midnight, then hey, extra sex, everyone’s happy. But I imagine that the feeling of “you’re not as into me during our waking life together, only when your sex dreams leave you with morning wood” feels… well, kind of insulting at best, even without some somnambulant succubus being involved.

There’re a couple things that I would suggest you do. First, if his waking boner is making you feel used, then let him know and tell him to go take care of it himself. You may want more sex, but you don’t want to feel like a living sex toy to be masturbated into at his convenience. If he’s that horny when he wakes up from these dreams, he can go rub one out somewhere else without bothering you. That’s in the short term.

In the longer term, however, you should talk about how you’re feeling like your sex life is lacking, especially in frequency. This may require an Awkward Conversation, where you lay out why this is bothering you, what your ideal solution would be and how this would make things better. Or it may mean talking to a couple’s counselor, especially a sex-positive one who can help with any intimacy issues you’re having. The American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory that’ll help you find a sex-positive therapist in your area; having a third party mediating these discussions may make it much easier for the two of you to talk things through and come to some mutually satisfying conclusions.

Or it may help pinpoint other issues the two of you may be having… ones that’re only showing up via his subconscious.

But as I said: it’s not the dreams themselves that’re the problem. It’s his actions and how those actions are making you feel. It’s better to focus on those, instead of worrying about women who may or may not only exist in The Dreaming.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com