DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Why is there a generally prevailing attitude that the cause of emotional issues can’t be the lack of romantic success? You see this all the time, such as telling a man that finding a girlfriend won’t fix his emotional issues.

Well, if the root cause of his emotional issues is not having a girlfriend, then yes, a healthy romantic relationship WOULD fix them. But no, it has to be something else. People can accept almost anything as a root cause of their depression or other issues, like financial issues, social isolation, or just general brain chemical stuff. But lack of romance? That can’t POSSIBLY be it.

Of all the billions of people who have ever existed, of all of them who have ever been depressed or have had any romantic issues, not a single one of them had lack of romantic relationships as the root cause? I find that hard to believe.

So my main question is, why is there such a pushback against the idea that the lack of romantic relationships could cause someone to get depressed?

Lost and Lonely

DEAR LOST AND LONELY: Funny thing, LaL: most of the examples you list as causing depression are existential ones. Severe debt or losing your job? That threatens damn near everything in your life, from your living situation to basic health and your ability to, y’know, eat. Social isolation? Well, we’re dealing with that now, especially among men, and it turns out that terminal loneliness and isolation is more dangerous for you than smoking.

Being single, being a virgin or going through a lengthy dry spell doesn’t have the same effects.

People get pushback on this, quite simply, because nine times out of ten, the people aren’t saying “being single gives me the blues”, they’re saying “my being single is a medical issue”. If we were to take this seriously, then what would the solution be that doesn’t involve mandating relationships for folks?

The one time out of ten, however, is very much a case of “cart before the horse”.

You know how I’m always saying “the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have?” That’s the scenario you’re describing here, LaL. Why would getting a girlfriend not solve somebody’s issues? Because that’s not the problem they’re having. They’re lonely, sure, I get that. The loneliness seems all encompassing, right, totally with you. Been there, done that, built a career out of solving that issue.

But will getting a girlfriend change any of that? Almost certainly not. Not in the way that the folks who think this way believe it will.

There’re a lot of reasons for this. The most obvious is that they’re wrong about what the source of their problems are. This is actually incredibly common, because people as a rule are bad at understanding why they feel the way they feel. We feel the physical sensations and then look around for the cause and retroactively decide that this was the trigger. But just because something looks like it might be the answer doesn’t mean it actually is. If anything, what people assume is the cause is, in fact, a side effect, rather than the source. And that’s assuming that they’re even aware of the possibility of what the true source of their issues could be.

Folks who, for example, can’t figure out why their sexual attraction to their partners keeps fading after a certain amount of time often don’t realize that the problem isn’t that they don’t love their partners or that they picked the wrong person or that there’s a problem in their relationship. More often than not – especially if the loss of attraction is only happening in a committed relationship – the issue is that they need sexual novelty and they can’t get that from one person. They may be non-monogamous, they may be what’s known as “freysexual” (folks who experience loss of sexual desire for someone as they get to know them and develop an emotional bond with them), but at the end of the day, the issue is that they’re someone who just can’t stay attracted to an individual for long.

Similarly, people dealing with depression often don’t realize that they’re depressed, nor that chronic depression doesn’t have an external cause. In fact, the thing that you most commonly hear from folks is “I don’t have any real reason to be depressed”, as though a diminished capacity for producing or processing serotonin requires a reason.

So while I have no doubt that not having a relationship may make someone have the blues, if we’re talking the “my life is worthless and meaningless and I’m nothing, this would all change if I had a girlfriend” type… yeah, a girlfriend isn’t going to solve this. At best, you’re going to be depressed… just with company. At worst, things are going to get worse, and in so many different ways.

To start with, girlfriends aren’t magic, nor are they medicine. Dating someone to “cure” your depression – and yes, that’s how your framing comes across – is pretty damn dehumanizing, my dude. It’s expecting one person to solve s--t for you by… well, how, exactly? By providing validation? Cool… that’s a hole that’ll never be filled, because you’ll never actually believe it, nor will you feel secure in the relationship; there will always be the part of you that thinks that either she’s lying, that her reassurances don’t mean as much as they should or that at some point she’s going to wise up and leave. Validation from others will never stick if you don’t actually believe in your own value to start with.

Is it by having sex? Well, again, that tends to be about external validation; you’re worth something because this person’s having sex with you. If it were just about not having sex, then hey, there’re lots of ways to solve that, up to and including trips out to the legal brothels in Nevada. But most people would reject those options because they “don’t count”, which brings it right back to “well, it’s expecting someone to validate you by choosing you to have sex with” when, as I’ve said many times before, people will choose to have sex for any number of reasons that have nothing to do with the person they’re f--king. Women aren’t Mjolnir, they don’t only bang The Worthy.

Is it by providing companionship? Well, what makes that different from friends or family? Emotional intimacy? Same question. Physical touch? Same question plus the fact that there are cuddle parties, massage, and a whole host of other ways of dealing with skin hunger and touch starvation – something that’s endemic in the culture, I might add, not just restricted to the Terminally Single and the Forever Alone.

And for that matter: what reason would a woman have to date you, the theoretically Depressed By Being Single? The way that you – and others who’ve made similar arguments – frame this makes it very much about what those theoretical girlfriends would do for you. I never hear what they would get out of this. If the only cause for their depression truly is being single, then dating someone quickly becomes a “Someone, Anyone, Everyone” problem; you’re not dating a person so much as trying to shove anyone into a hole marked “girlfriend” like you’re both stuck in a Junji Ito comic. And leaving aside the part where it seems to be less about the individual than the nebulous concept of Having A Girlfriend, and assuming good faith and best intentions by the people framing this argument, expecting someone – someone who likely has no medical training or experience in mental health care – to be your “cure” puts an insane amount of pressure on them. S--t, that’s an absurd level of pressure to put on someone you’ve had a relationship with for years; it’s mindboggling to expect that of someone you’ve maybe known for weeks or months.

But the truth is: most of the time, when someone is having serious mental health issues and is single, their being single is rarely the cause. More often than not, it’s a symptom. They often have other things going on that make it harder for them to find or maintain a relationship and until that underlying issue is treated, then at best they’re going to get incredibly temporary relief. What’s much more likely to happen is that they get a relationship and discover that, far from curing all their ills, they’re still the same person they were before, with the same problems they had before, just with company. This tends to actually make things worse; the magic cure failed, so what does that mean? Was it not the right person? Did they set their sights too low? Too high? Maybe the problem is they just don’t love their girlfriend hard enough. Maybe their girlfriend isn’t loving THEM hard enough. Or she’s not providing the right kind of validation. Or this isn’t the right relationship. What if this means that they’re actually worse than they thought?

This isn’t theoretical; this happens all the time when folks get hung up on the magic bullet that’s going to solve all their problems. Incels have famously paid the equivalent of down payments for a house on plastic surgery, only to discover that they’re the same person they were when the bandages come off. Their problems didn’t disappear with the adipose tissue that was removed, the implants that were added, the jawline that was enhanced or the nose that was sanded down. They’ve got all the same problems because the call was coming from inside the house, not because their lower-third was a few millimeters off or they were an inch below the height requirement to be GigaChad.

In my personal and professional life, I can’t tell you how many people I’ve seen who thought that getting laid or having a relationship would solve their woes… only to discover that nothing had changed. If anything, things got worse for them because nothing changed. Doubly so when Miracle Maxine left them because they thought she was supposed to fix things and she didn’t. And nothing did get better for them until they went and actually dealt with their issues. Not with a date or a girlfriend but with a counselor or a therapist.

Women are great, my dude, but they aren’t magic. Relationships are awesome, but they’re not a chocolate coated miracle pill. And yes, being single when you don’t want to be can get you down. But if the problems are running deeper than a need to learn how to have an awesome life when you’re single, then adding women to it isn’t going to fix it for you.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time lurker, first time writer( insert all gushing here). I really like how you give honest, occasionally painful but also necessary advice. I have a kinda awkward question for you and I hope you can help, because I am at a loss at the moment.

I have been very lucky in that I have managed to have mostly amenable break ups in my life and have stayed, if not friends at least cordial to a lot of my ex’s. It’s not unheard of for me to hang out with or casually chat with people from my past, and usually it’s a pleasant experience. Sometimes though, it gets weird.

A few months ago, an old lover from MANY years ago started a conversation with me about bars and the music scene in our city, looking for recommendations. I go out a reasonable amount, so this is not a strange thing. He is happily married with kids and travels a lot for work, so he has a lot of time to talk. We used to work in the same field, which is how we met and had an extremely brief fling at least 10 years before he met his wife., and we had remained peripherally friends.

Back to the story. I start chatting with Ryan (not his real name) and again it all starts easy enough. General life stuff, bar and restaurant recommendations, things to see while traveling, that sort of thing. But then the conversation turns to “hey, remember when we had a good time?”

And, sure, we did have a good time back in the day. But that was *back in the day*. I tell Ryan that while of course I remember our good time, it’s way in the past and I am cool with being friends, but that’s it. He agrees, and we keep chatting. During the day, it stays mellow and innocuous, but in the evenings it becomes way more sexual. Generally I just laugh it off and in the morning I get apologies. At this point, he had more than hinted that he would like to resume our earlier relations and that he really isn’t that satisfied in his marriage. I am starting to get uncomfortable with the whole situation. I feel like I am being used as an excuse.

How can I make it abundantly clear that I in no way want him to use me as an excuse to end his marriage? I like him as a person, but I am not about to restart any kind of relationship with him. I don’t really want to go nuclear option. But is there any other option?

Not a Home Wrecker

DEAR NOT A HOME WRECKER: There are a couple things going on with your ex, NAHW, and unfortunately, he’s made the decision to bring you into his drama.

The first is the classic siren call of The Ex. There’re a lot of reasons why someone might want to get back with an ex, even years after the fact. For some, it’s about unfinished business; the break-up wasn’t their idea, they thought everything was going great and then they got blindsided by a break-up coming screaming out of the clear blue sky. To them, it’s about either getting some form of closure (that they will never get, because closure is something you give yourself), or setting right what went wrong. To them, the relationship never should’ve ended and has taken on an almost mythical status and they’re always trying to get back there.

For others, it’s the lure of (theoretically) easy sex; y’all hit it before, he knows what you’re into, surely he can use those same old moves to get back into your pants for some of the same ol’ moves. Still for others, it’s the way that nostalgia puts a golden haze over everything; everything is softer and fuzzier and simpler and all the harshness and rough edges are smoothed away. It represents a better time, a happier time… regardless of what that time was actually like. And if they’re going through some rough times, say, with their current partner… well, the siren call of the past is hard to resist. The past may be a country to which we can never return, but that’s never stopped folks from trying. It’s also the place that memory can turn into anything if you’re determined to remember it that way. So you might, for example, turn a brief fling into a torrid whirlwind romance full of drama and passion that only ended because of forces outside of your control, rather than a “that was pleasant, well… bye.”

I think, based on your description, it’s safe to say that your ex is having a bad case of that Golden Haze of Sexy Nostalgia. He remembers the fling, he wants to get back there (metaphorically and also in your pants) and go back to a time when things were better. The only question I have – and, admittedly, I’m a horribly cynical bastard with a lump of coal where my soul should be – is whether the problems with the wife actually exist… or if it’s just entirely one-sided. God knows that “my wife doesn’t understand me” has long been the excuse of many a philandering husband who’s trying to eke some sympathy sex (or at least, nudes) out of women.

That having been said, I think it’s safe to say that he is, at the very least, unhappy in his marriage. This, I suspect, is part of why the chats start getting sexual as the night falls. He’s at home, possibly going over old photos from back in the day or doing a little light browsing on PornHub while the fam is asleep and dickful thinking takes over. You’ve been receptive to at least talking, you’ve got history, he’s horny and he wants to try his luck. And since you haven’t told him to f--k right off, I’m willing to bet that he’s taking that in the spirit of “so you say there’s a chance.”

Now to be 100% clear: I’m not blaming you. This isn’t your fault for not saying the right words to make him go away. This is my (slightly educated) guess as to his mindset when he starts trying to getting you to sext with him. He isn’t getting anywhere with you, but he’s trying not to hear that, so until he gets an unambiguous “f--k off and die”, he’s going to assume he’s got tacit permission to continue.

But that brings us the second thing going on. If you’re a long-time reader, then I’m sure you’ve seen me ask someone “are you asking me for advice on what to do, or are you asking me for permission to do it?” Most of the time, the answer is the latter; they’ve already made up their mind, now they’re just looking for someone else to tell them that it’s ok.

I suspect that this is the situation that your ex is in. He’s made up his mind that he’s going to leave his wife; now he’s just looking for the right self-destruct button to slam his hand down on. It may be that he’s hoping that this will also provide him with a landing pad (i.e. you) for when his marriage detonates messily and all over the place. Or it may be that he figures that it’s easier to hook up with an ex to start that ball rolling. As much as I don’t want to take away from the idea that you’re a desirable option in and of itself, I think that ten years of little to no contact followed by his being uncomfortably horny at you suggests that he may think you were a softer target. Which, let’s be real, is a bit insulting.

But that’s all his drama. You, on the other hand, are the innocent bystander he’s dragging into it. So the only thing for you to do is march yourself out of it.

Much as it sucks, I think you’re going to have to stop ignoring or laughing off his late night attempts to get you hornt up and tell him to knock it the f--k off. And it will likely need to be in direct, unambiguous words, because the odds are that either he’s going to pretend he doesn’t know what you mean (“oh no, I’m not trying to start an affair with you, perish the thought!”) or else he’s going to try to twist it in his head so that you didn’t really say what it sounded like you said. It’s easy to do that when someone’s just laughing it off. It’s a lot harder when that someone says “just to be clear, I am not now, nor will I ever be interested in sexting with you, sleeping with you or otherwise doing anything where parts of you enter parts of me and that includes emergency surgery”.

You don’t need to make it about his marriage or the divorce he seems to be trying to trigger; just that you have no interest whatsoever in talking about sex with him, nor do you want him bringing the topic up – whether it’s under the context of how things used to be or what you could get up to now. Draw that big, thick bright line and make it clear that his having any further contact with you is entirely contingent on his staying on the other side of it. If he sets a toe across… well, you warned him. Now he’s both missing a toe and also you, as he’s been cut off. And I do mean in that moment. Just a big “nope, told you, we’re done here” and then end the conversation. Possibly including blocking him if he doesn’t get the hint or thinks that a tearful apology in the cold, unforgiving light of sobriety the next morning is enough to excuse (and allow for more of) the habitual line-stepping.

I also want to be clear – not that you’ve indicated you feel this way, but it’s worth repeating – any problems in his marriage aren’t your concern. You’re not in any way obligated to coach him on how to stay married or help him fix his relationship, nor to help him find a less explosive way of ending it. He’s the one trying to make his mess your concern, which ain’t cool. He can make his own mistakes without your help or involvement and he can fix them the same way.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Long time reader, first time submitting a question,

I get down to brass tacks. Last weekend I went on a lunch date that turned out to a be a catfish scam. I had met someone online, and we chatted for a bit. It looked like we had some mutual friends, so I figured I could trust them. The day before the date, they tell me that they need some money for gas. Foolishly I sent it to them. The day of the lunch date, they message me and tell me that their car has broken down and are taking a Lyft to the café but need money for the ride. This got my suspicious. I told them I couldn’t do it. They got very argumentative with me. They refused to call or FaceTime with me. When I finally talked to them… it was very clear that it was a scam.

I’d like to say this was the first and only time this has happened… sadly I can’t. I’ve been taken in before. If not for money, for laughs.

It’s said that if you find yourself in the same mess over and over, then the common factor is you.

What am I doing wrong? Why is online dating mostly bots and scams for me?

To give you some background, I’m older, late 40’s, single, never married. I haven’t dated much. I have tried meeting people via friends, classes, and et al and I haven’t had much luck.

I wish I could break out of this cycle.

Any advise would be appreciated.

– One Scam Too Many

DEAR ONE SCAM TOO MANY: I’m sorry you’ve run into these scams, OSTM. It’s an unfortunate truth that, where there is a userbase, there will be scammers. This is true of Twitter and Instagram, Facebook and WhatsApp and, of course, dating apps. Scammers, con artists and bots will try to convince you that they’re someone (or something) they’re not by playing on particular social mores or trying to get a response by seeming to address a particular need or emotion. Folks will, for example, try to leverage fear by claiming to be an authority and demanding a response from you – the recent “we are locking your account because of Terms of Service” DMs going around Twitter is an example of this. So too are the scam calls that claim to be the IRS leting you know that you’re in arrears and a warrant’s been issued for your arrest. Others may try to play to your greed or – in the case of dating apps – your lust, loneliness or just general desire to find a date.

Now, the first thing that you, specifically, need to do is forgive yourself for having gotten fooled. This happens to the best of us; there’re celebrities and star athletes who’ve been catfished and scammed by randos. It’s the most human thing in the world to want to believe and trust people and to want to help folks out, especially people you feel like you know. Being horrifically cynical and untrusting may keep you from the odd occasion when someone does try to trick you… but this will mostly just serve to make you unpleasant to be around and leave you lonelier than you are now. So, not the best option, if you ask me.

However, that doesn’t mean being naive either.

This is why the second thing you need to do is to take a deeper look at things. You’re correct that yes, if you find yourself having the same experiences, it’s worth examining what those experiences all have in common. And, yes, sometimes the biggest thing they all have in common is you. However, that’s not where the inquiry ends, because it’s not about blaming yourself, it’s about figuring out why you keep being at the center of these occurrences. So, rather than yelling ‘stupid, stupid, stupid’ and castigating yourself for basically being a good and trusting person, you want to look a little more deeply at what went down. What lead you to trust these people (or bots)? Did anything set off your Spidey-Sense and if it did, why did you choose to ignore it? Are there particular things that you seem to be especially vulnerable to that these folks have taken advantage of?

It’s important that you look specifically at the ones that fooled you – even if you figured it out before any damage was done – rather than the times that you saw the scam from a mile away. The ones you catch aren’t the ones that you have to worry about; that’s just survivorship bias in action. The ones that you fell for are the ones that tell you what you need to know. The more you can zero in on these, the more you can figure out where your vulnerabilities are and either patch them or compensate for them.

While you’re looking for the weak points in your metaphorical armor, let’s talk about some early warning signs and ways that you can make it less likely to get tricked again. And I say “less likely” because there’s no fool-proof or perfect way to protect yourself; even the most experienced folks can get fooled. Hell, I came about yay close to getting tricked because a casual friend’s account got hacked; I realized what was likely going on at the last moment and pulled back with a few questions that made it clear I wasn’t talking to my friend, but it was a very near thing.

First things first: beware the people that are too good to be true. While I’m a firm believer that there are no such things as leagues, you do want to be skeptical when someone who seems to be your ideal wants to chat with you, especially when they’re not someone you normally interact with. When that lingerie model/Instagram influencer/Twitch streamer seems to be REALLY intent on dating you, someone who doesn’t roll in the same circles as them… well, that’s a good time to be suspicious. It’s not always fake – Daredevil’s Deborah Anne Wohl met her husband on Match after she’d been starring in True Blood – but if someone’s accomplishments seem to vastly outstrip yours… well, there’s a good reason to want some confirmation that they’re who they say they are.

(Incidentally, a lot of scammers know better than to fake obvious celebrities. They’re much more likely to take people who are attractive – especially professionally attractive – but somewhat out of the mainstream. A number of porn actresses and OnlyFans models have long complained about people using their pictures for dating app scams.)

The same as when their pictures are just too good and there’re few true candids or pics with the sorts of flaws we expect to see in random snaps – the lighting’s not great, things may be a bit out of focus or framed awkwardly, they’re not perfectly made up with their hair just so, etc. To be sure, it’s not that hard to raid someone’s Instagram or public-facing profiles for their candid pictures or scenes from their day to day lives, but if everything looks like it could be in a magazine spread or is just too professional looking, then odds are good you’re not dealing with an actual person.

This is where reverse-image search is your friend. Google allows you to post pics in the image search bar and Chrome has “Check Google for this Image” as an option when you right-click. There are other apps that will help you figure out where pics may have come from as well, but Google should definitely be your first stop. It may not catch things like AI generated portraits from “This Person Does Not Exist”, but it goes a long way towards confirming who you are or aren’t talking to. You may also want to see about trading casual selfies; these are harder to fake and can catch someone out. These can be fun ways to flirt in general, but even a “hey, here’s my day so far…” with a quick pic of you at work or making a face while getting your Starbucks in the morning generally prompts a response. If they seem oddly reticent to share their casual pics or selfies, then beware.

Google will also help you find more about them. It’s the rare person these days who doesn’t have some sort of digital presence, even if it’s just a Linkedin account they made in 2015 and never updated since. A number of dating apps, like OKCupid and Tinder, allow people to connect their Instagram or Spotify accounts; checking these can be helpful, especially if you’re trying to see if their stories add up. If they’re claiming to work in your city but their latest IG stories has them in, I dunno, Palm Springs, then you know you’re talking to a fake. Now, a lot of people know that you’re likely to Google them and may well be vague about what they do or give little information. This doesn’t mean that they’re fake; it’s a sensible thing to not give a lot of your personal details to a stranger. But if they’re vague or evasive with the details in their lives but pump you for information from yours? That’s a red flag.

And if, as in your most recent case, you see that you seem to have mutual friends in common, it can be helpful to ask your friends about them. Just make sure that you’re doing so over a different app. If it links to their Facebook account, maybe text them directly or message them on a different social network.

Speaking of texting, pay attention to how the conversation flows. Are they actually responding to what you’re saying, or are they giving responses that are actually kinda generic and doing a lot of changing the subject or asking questions but not relating to your answers? You may want to do a bot check by asking something wildly off topic or nonsensical. Did they see the trailer for Hocus Pocus 2 and are they excited for the sequel? What are their thoughts on Russia losing ground in the Kharkiv region of Ukraine? Do they have a favorite fish? Most bots aren’t going to be sophisticated enough to handle these sorts of replies, and very few scammers are going to take over to try to reel you in.

Another sign to be wary is when someone seems to have a lot of drama in their lives, especially before you meet them. Many of the telltale signs of a catfish involve stories of woe and catastrophe, which then either explain why they can’t answer the phone, meet you for your date or FaceTime you, or else they precede a request for money. Now, the request may not always be framed as a direct request… but if they start moaning about how cash strapped they are and hint that fixing this may make it more likely for them to actually show up, then you’re probably getting scammed. If they hint at needing money, be sympathetic but somehow just keep failing to get the hint. If they ask for money straight up, tell ’em you have a policy of never lending money to friends, it always goes badly. If they get pissy that a stranger from a dating app isn’t willing to throw them a few bucks (or a lotta bucks) for gas or a Lyft… well, either they’re a scammer or someone you probably shouldn’t date in the first place.

You also should beware if someone seems to be making grand declarations or showing far more interest than is warranted, especially before you’ve even met up in person. And hopefully it goes without saying that you don’t want to trade spicy pics with someone without having a good idea of who they are or having met them in person. Certainly not if those are pics you wouldn’t be ok being seen by the general public. While I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a purely sexting relationship, even with someone you never meet in person, there are folks out there who just look to scam pics from folks. Hell, there was a famous case before FOSTA/SESTA closed down Craigslist personals where people would look for kinksters posting ads in order to get pics so they could out or laugh at them… despite the fact that the kinksters were actually doing everything right – confirming who they were for the safety and security of someone who might want to do a scene with them.

And as a general rule, I’m a big believer that the whole point of meeting someone on the apps is to get off the apps as soon as possible. Ideally, this would mean meeting up for a due-diligence date – fifteen minutes or so for coffee or ice cream or something during the day, so you can verify that you both are who you say you are and check that you have as much chemistry in person as you do in text. This way, the worst that happens is that you realize you two aren’t a good match and you’re only out a few minutes and a couple bucks for coffee. But even if someone isn’t necessarily ready or willing to meet in person – again, this is entirely reasonable, especially for women – moving from Tinder to, say, FaceTime or Skype helps verify that you are talking to who they say they are. If they keep having “reasons” why they can’t (or won’t) video chat? Then you tell them hey, so sorry, met someone else, best of luck in your search.

Now it’s important to note that none of these are going to be definitive proof that someone is or isn’t a bot or a catfish. There’re plenty of very real people who might give “FAKE!” signals despite being the real deal. And while there are bots, fakes and flakes on every dating app out there – the love con has existed for as long as romantic love has – it’s important not to develop a callus on your soul over this. There’re far more real people, looking for folks like you, than there are fakers and con artists looking to take advantage. The key is to not let your hope of finding love outweigh your common sense. An attitude of “trust… but verify” can help weed out the grifters and make sure you’re meeting actual people who actually want what you have to offer.

And hey, like I always say: dating apps should be a supplement to how you meet folks, not a replacement. Going out and about and socializing in the flesh is still the best way to meet folks. And hey, as a bonus? The more you improve your in-person social skills, the better you do on the apps, too.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com