DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My wife (F, 46) and I (M,42) were married 5 years ago. My wife was a package deal, and she came with a wonderful daughter (now 9). I have raised her daughter as my own for the last 6+ years. I love being a dad. The biological father has addiction issues, floats in and out, and even when present has very limited supervised visits. She has been disappointed by him numerous times, but I am always a consistent, reliable father figure for her.

My wife and I have become more like friends without intimacy. I would prefer sex every other day. I am given obligatory sex once a month. I should probably add we had enthusiastic sex multiple times per day, nearly every day while dating. As soon as we were married, it abruptly changed to once per month. I vastly improved my wife’s financial security. So, I can’t help but wonder if I was consciously or subconsciously given the bait and switch.

We have discussed the lack of sex at length, and she is just not interested in sex anymore. I explained that the lack of physical intimacy was severely affecting my happiness and self-esteem. I asked for an open relationship. She was appalled and denied my request. She has no interest in therapy, nor do I want a therapist to convince her to have sex with me. If we were to divorce, I believe she would severely limit my contact with our stepdaughter.

I believe these are my options 1) cheating 2) divorcing and blowing up my stepdaughter’s life 3) putting my happiness on hold for 9 years when she moves off to college. What would you suggest?

Catch-22

DEAR CATCH-22: Ok, C22, I’m going to be real with you: a knee-jerk assumption of “my wife was just stringing me along to get my financial resources” tends to get my hackles up, especially when there’re much more likely answers to the issues in the relationship. And no, adding “well, maybe it was subconscious” as a hedge to avoid looking like they’re saying they married a gold-digger doesn’t help. It’s the sort of lazy excuse-making that a lot of s--tty men throw around to justify treating women like objects instead of people.

So, I understand your frustration, but that’s the sort of thing that makes it harder to actually gauge the problem; that mindset tends to affect the relationship itself and the people you might turn to for help.

Now with that having been said, there’s a phrase I like to keep in mind when it comes to talking about relationship issues: if you hear hoofbeats, assume horses, not zebras. That is, there’re almost always much more mundane issues that are causing problems, rather than the likelihood that someone was willing to pimp themselves out in order to get a father and/or financial support for themselves. Especially when there’s no other evidence of similar behavior in their lives.

What’s more likely is that there’re entirely explicable and mundane reasons for why your wife isn’t interested in sex any more, and how that happened in the first place.

One thing I wish you’d included in your letter was how long you and your wife had been dating; that could give some insight into just what’s been going on. For example, were you having sex multiple times a day the entire time you were dating, or did that follow the typical arc of lots and lots of sex at the start, tapering to once per day before finally moving to once a month?

Now, absent more information, there’re a lot of possibilities here that are much more likely than your wife being a gold-digger who was willing to have sex right up until the ring was on her finger.

One possibility is that her interest in sex was always marginal, and the New Relationship Energy – where your brain pumps out more oxytocin and dopamine with a new partner – was enough to push her to have sex more often than she would normally. It’s even entirely possible that at the time you two were banging out daily, she was already having maintenance sex rather than sex she necessarily wanted or was excited for. Past a certain point, the amount of effort it took to keep up a schedule for something she wasn’t that into in general (not just with you, specifically) was simply too much and so she just… stopped.

Another possibility is that the sex for her has just not been the kind of sex she actually enjoys. One of the reasons why the desire for sex tapers off for women isn’t because women are less sexual than men, but because women get bored of the sex they’re having. Sometimes this is due to the sex-negative culture we live in; even in a post-Sex-in-The-City/Bridgerton/what-have-you society, women are still discouraged from actively exploring their own sexuality or advocating for the kinds of sex they actually want. This also frequently ties into the fact that the sex straight men want most often is penetrative, P-I-V sex, which is far less likely to bring women to orgasm. Relatively few women (around 10% or less, depending on the study) are able to climax from penetration alone; most require direct clitoral stimulation for orgasm, and penetration – especially in missionary position – is rarely able to stimulate the clit in the way they need. So it’s possible that her lack of interest stems from the fact that the sex she’s having just hasn’t been good enough to keep up the effort and she’s lost the drive for it.

A third possibility is that there’re things in her life that are impacting her libido. This could be anything from stress at work, dealing with her child’s biological father, the general strains of raising a child, natural hormonal changes that come with age, depression, side-effects from medication or any number of external issues.

A fourth possibility is that she’s not uninterested in sex, she’s uninterested in sex with you. Now, I want to be clear: I don’t say this to imply that you’re ugly or undeserving or that you’ve done something wrong. Sometimes our desire for a person just fades over time. Occasionally it’s for obvious reasons – their partner’s let themselves go to seed or just doesn’t put in the effort to keep things hot, etc. Other times, it’s just how they’re wired. Some folks require a lot of variety in their partners and their sex lives and their desire for a specific partner always just fades over time.

Other times, it’s just how the relationship has changed. Some relationships become less sexual and more companionate, especially between older couples. If a sexual connection was never as important for her as it is for you, then it’s possible that this is just the natural progression of the relationship for her.

And still other times… it’s just a matter that the nature of the relationship has changed for them. We are all always growing and changing as time passes. Sometimes we and our partners change and grow together; other times we grow apart. That’s nobody’s fault; it’s just how things happened. Not every relationship is meant to last forever after all; some love stories are just short stories and that’s fine. However, it’s important to be aware if this is your (the general “you”) relationship pattern and to manage your relationships accordingly.

A fifth possibility is that arousal is harder to come by for her. Sexuality researcher Emily Nagoski has written extensively about the two types of desire – spontaneous desire (the ‘suddenly horny’ type) and responsive desire. A large number of women have a responsive desire type; that is, they don’t experience spontaneous horniness the way a lot of men do. Instead, they start by being physical or engaging in sexual acts (that is, foreplay, making out, etc) and then start experiencing desire. So the lack of interest in sex is less that she’s not interested in sex at all, but the context under which she experiences desire is different from yours. You feel desire and then become aroused; she may not be into it until she’s become physically around via sexual activity and then feels desire. So changing the way that you and she think about sex and desire might lead to her feeling desire again. If she’s open to some form of physical intimacy or intimate touch, even if she’s not actively turned on in that moment, then the desire may come as things progress.

Now, the person who’s most able to actually explain what the issue is, is your wife. The problem ­– and this is a problem – is that she doesn’t seem to want to talk about it or do anything about it. This is when more information and context would be helpful. You say that you two have discussed the issue extensively. I would love to know the context of these discussions. If you were coming to the discussions from a position of “I’ve noticed that our sex life has changed, and I’d like to talk about it; here’s what I’ve noticed, what are you experiencing/thinking about it”, then you’d be likely to get a very different response than “we’re not having enough sex for me and that’s bad.” The former is collaborative and encourages the two of you to work together to try to resolve the problem. The latter approach would be far more likely to put her on the defensive, since it could come off as very accusatory or blame-y – things that are likely to make her less interested in actually trying to resolve the problem.

Absent that information, we have to go with the fact that she doesn’t seem to be interested in sex with you beyond the bare minimum for maintenance and doesn’t see this as a problem. The fact that she isn’t willing to talk to a couple’s counselor about it is potentially troubling. The fact that she’s not willing to open up the relationship is, likewise, an issue. If sex is something she just doesn’t care about and doesn’t see as being an important part of your relationship, then insisting on a monogamous-but-abstinent commitment is unfair and unreasonable. While it’s certainly possible that she worries that opening up the relationship could lead to your leaving her for another woman who is interested in sex, there’s nothing protective about monogamy. Demanding monogamy from you isn’t going to magically prevent you from deciding to leave her anyway; monogamous relationships end all the time, and people who made monogamous commitments cheat and leave their partners for other people on the regular.

Again, this is where more information would be helpful. The context of those discussions could make the difference between her having just decided to unilaterally end sex for both of you or her having checked out because she doesn’t feel heard or understood and doesn’t see how talking to a therapist would help.

But if it really is a case that she’s decided that she’s done with sex and so are you… well, your options are limited.

What I would suggest is that you make another attempt to talk with her about this. I’d recommend coming to this last discussion from a position of “I want to understand how you’re feeling about this and how we can work together to figure out a solution that works for both of us and regain the intimacy and closeness we had,” even if that was how you approached it before. Treating this as a ‘we’, not a ‘me’ issue, giving attention and care to her feelings and issues and treating it as a collaboration between partners is more likely to encourage her to talk things through with you and hopefully look for potential solutions. Especially if the previous discussions were more about how she’s giving your penis a sad, and little consideration for her.

But I would pair this with an insistence of going to a sex-positive couple’s counselor over this issue. I would also suggest that you see a relationship counselor, regardless of whether she goes or not. Talking with a trained counselor may help you identify blind spots or areas that you weren’t aware that could be causing problems. They might also help you figure out how to wind down the relationship if it comes to that.

But the couple’s counselor will have to become a non-negotiable point if you want to make this relationship work, to the point of being an ultimatum of “we go to couple’s counseling and make a good faith effort, or we get divorced.” However, it’s important to realize that if you lay this ultimatum out, you have to be ready to follow through. If you draw a line and say “we do this or I’m out” and you don’t actually leave or initiate divorce proceedings, then all you’ve done is show that you were bluffing and she has no reason to take you seriously.

I understand that you love your stepdaughter and don’t want to blow up her life. However, kids aren’t dumb or oblivious; they can tell when their parents are having problems with each other and things aren’t going well. Divorce is far less traumatic for them than living in a perpetual cold war between their mom and dad (or stepdad, in this case). As much as it would be a tumultuous time and major disruption, it would still be better for her than staying together with this issue hanging over everyone’s head.

It’s a s--tty choice to have to make, and I’m sorry you’re in this position. Hopefully you and your wife can rekindle the respect and desire for each other to try to make this work. Otherwise, divorce in this case would be the least bad of a series of bad choices… and the best for your stepdaughter.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: So I met this guy on Bumble. We go for dinner, we hit it off, he’s super attractive, he’s a tall, rich, charming guy and seemed very sweet. He travels a lot for work, and because he didn’t want to wait a whole month to see me again, he invites me to come with him to Miami, Sao Paulo and Seoul. I told him there’s no freakin way I’m going traveling with a stranger and that I need to take it slow, get to know him better before he sweeps me off to an adventure around the world. He said okay, and the next day he comes by to drop a small present and asks again to come with him. I said no but he made me feel special, it was nice to get all of this attention. He left for his travels, and we kept talking.

Every day that we talk, he keeps insisting that I join him and saying how he wishes I was there with him. I keep telling him no over and over. Until one day he pushes one more time and I snap, I tell him that if he brings it up again, I will stop talking to him. He told me I’m overreacting, and that I’m probably very protective and closed because of my past relationships, but that he’s not like that.

I told him that he’s not respecting my boundaries and just keeps pushing them and that doesn’t make me feel heard or safe. His response is that he was only being this intense because he hasn’t felt like this about a girl for years and that he can’t wait to see me again. I said I understand, but he doesn’t seem to care about how I feel or about my safety, and he again just keeps saying that “he’s not like other guys” and “he’s not even inviting me for sex or whatever”. Then he says I’m being too sensitive and explosive and that his intentions were good, and that I’m just lashing out on him because of my past experiences. 

I told him I wanted to be with somebody who listens to me, who takes responsibility and doesn’t try to turn the conflict around on me and make me be the crazy one for setting boundaries. He kept saying that this was only because of my trauma and it was not applicable to him and that I’m ruining something that could’ve been great. 

I got mad that he seem to think that none of this applies to him so I said “You wanting to take things too fast is a red flag. You pushing and insisting and not caring about what I need is a red flag. Turning the conflict around on me is a red flag” and he responded by saying this was just “my point of view” and explaining point by point why I was wrong and that he only tried to “turn it around on me” once. 

He said it was too bad that I wouldn’t give him a chance when he likes me so much and can’t stop thinking about me, but this whole conflict was like PTSD from when I was married to a narcissist. 

So my question is, am I overreacting because of past trauma or is my Spidey-sense spot on?

-PTSD

DEAR PTSD: Oh hey, this is an easy one. You made the right call here because HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T YES THOSE ARE RED FLAGS, PTSD, WHAT THE F--K, ACTUAL? Those aren’t just red flags, that’s more red flags than a military parade in Beijing. Those are more red flags than the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. That’s… ok, I think you get my point.

But I’m going to break this down a bit, both for you and other people who may be reading this because here’s the thing: the red flag that folks really need to pay attention may not necessarily the one they think.

First and foremost, I’m gonna be honest: when I see someone talking about having met a dude on a dating app who’s waving their jet-setting lifestyle like a cape in front of a bull, complete with business trips to all these various exotic locales, my first instinct is to ask if they’ve ever seen The Tinder Swindler.

In cae you haven’t seen it, PTSD, I’d suggest giving it a watch. Shimon Hayut would present himself on Tinder as Simon Leviev, son of Israeli diamond magnate Lev Leviev, and would whisk his matches off on private jets to glamorous trips around the world. Over time, however, he’d start to hit them up for their assistance in various financial schemes, ultimately soaking them for thousands to tens of thousands of dollars. The money served to finance his jet-setting lifestyle and allowed him to sucker in his next mark, each of whom thought she was having a fairy tale romance, only to realize that her prince was really Rumpelstiltskin instead.

Do I think your beau’s trying to con you out of money? That I can’t say. But there’s a lot going on here that is rightfully setting off your Spidey-sense. First and foremost is…

Ok, look I’m going to preface this by saying that this is going to sound insulting and I don’t mean it to be. But I would have to ask: why you? I have no doubt that you’re really f--king amazing and deserve a hot dude who wants nothing more than to dote on you and spoil you rotten. But one does have to wonder why someone that tall, handsome and rich is not just on Bumble, but having so hard at time at meeting potential partners that he falls head over heels for someone on the first date? Someone he literally only just met?

Yeah, your Spidey-sense should be going off like the Green Goblin’s about to chuck a pumpkin bomb through your window.

In and of itself, that reaction to a first date is pretty sus. It’s not out of the realm of possibility, but my cynical ass is always going to look at a scenario from a f--king Hallmark Christmas movie and wonder just what the catch is. If it wasn’t for the ‘stupidly rich’ part, one could possibly write it off as just… really enthusiastic and maybe twitterpated to the point that his judgment was a bit off. Maybe he’s just a all-gas-no-brakes kinda guy, emotionally. That’s not a red red flag, but it’s certainly a “proceed with caution” sign.

But that wasn’t the only thing, and he is claiming to be this rich jet-setting businessman. Which leads us to the next issue.

Part of what he’s doing is trying to overwhelm you and your judgement by painting this picture of glamour and excitement and access to a life you likely could only imagine and inviting you to be a part of it. Which is a red flag.

I’m sure you’ve heard the term “love-bombing” – it’s something that folks started throwing around on social media, usually inaccurately. Love-bombing is a technique when someone tries to manipulate you into a relationship through actions that are beyond what would be appropriate for that stage of your relationship. This often involves things like early and intense conversations about the future with you, expressing deep and passionate feelings well above what would be reasonable for how long they’ve known you and showering you with over-the-top gifts… especially gifts that you didn’t ask for, don’t want or don’t need.

While some people are just very enthusiastic and love-bombing isn’t always intentional, it is inherently manipulative. Sometimes it can come from a place of low-confidence and low self-esteem – especially if the person doing the bombing has an anxious attachment style – but it’s also a frequently deliberate tactic by people who want to lock down a commitment from somebody before they have a chance to think things through.

Now, like I said: if your erstwhile suitor was just being overly excited because you’re just that awesome… well, that doesn’t make it better, per se, but it definitely would indicate a general lack of emotional intelligence and confidence. Inviting someone he literally just met to travel around the world with him signals that he likely lacks good judgement under the best of circumstances.

The fact that he seems to think this is perfectly acceptable would be a signal that even if this cat actually has the money he claims, and he intends to spend it on you, it’d still be better to pass and let someone else be the beneficiary of his largesse.

But that’s not what happened here, and that’s why I don’t think this is the red flag you need to be paying the most attention to. The red flag I think should be the absolute dealbreaker is how he reacts when you say “no”.

The first time you said no should have been the end of the discussion. It wasn’t. Instead he bought you a small present and went on his trip… and kept asking you to travel with him. And he keeps talking about it, even when you say no. And then he gets aggressive when you assert your boundaries by saying “not just no, but if you keep bringing it up, it’ll be ‘never talk to me again’”.

That, I’m afraid, is a great f--king big red flag. That is a red flag so large that Godzilla would think it was a bit much.

First, he knows he f--ked up, and that present was basically a bribe to keep your attention and keep you talking to him. He’d rather you think that he’s a sweet and excitable puppy; he’s making a mess, but his intentions are good. Except he’s also ignoring your clearly stated boundary, he’s telling you that you’re wrong for having that boundary with him in the first place, and then negging you for good measure. This bit. This bit right f--king here:

“He told me I’m overreacting, and that I’m probably very protective and closed because of my past relationships, but that he’s not like that.”

That’s a neg. He’s trying to make you feel uncool, make you justify having this boundary in the first place and why you shouldn’t be expressing or enforcing it to him. He wants you to respond by trying to seek his approval, and making you explain the boundary’s existence is so he can tell you why you shouldn’t have it with him. And then you accede to his higher status and superior wisdom and fly off to another country with him. That’s the sort of s--t that should end the conversation for good.

But hey, why wave one red flag when you can wave many at the same goddamn time? Because this s--t should be making people hop the first available Nope Train to F--k-This-S--tville:

“he responded by saying this was just “my point of view” and explaining point by point why I was wrong and that he only tried to “turn it around on me” once.”

OK so “please stop trying to change my mind when I said no, stop ignoring my requests to drop the subject and also I have very good reasons why I don’t like this” is just “your point of view” and you’re “wrong” about how you feel and why. Yeah, fuuuuuuuuck off with that s--t. And “I only tried to turn it around on you once” is not the example of being a gentleman that he seems to think.

I realize comparing this to actual physical violence can sound over the top, but this is rather like saying “Look I didn’t hit you that hard…”

Do I know for sure that this was a swindler, a narcissist or potential abuser looking for another victim? No. But everything you describe about his behavior would be an almost perfect example of love-bombing and big ol’ warning signs saying “stay back” and “hazardous, do not touch”.

Yes, you were absolutely right to trust your instincts on this. That’s not you being over-sensitive because of past trauma, that’s your Spidey-sense telling you that s--t was not right. And if this guy really was some playboy millionaire with more money than impulse control… well, it’s a shame to miss out, but the way he was acting was a good sign that you should block him anyway.

And if he was being sincere about how he couldn’t stop thinking about you and likes you SOOOO MUCH after ­– and I can’t stress this enough – ONE DATE? That doesn’t make it better.

You trusted yourself and protected yourself, PTSD, and that’s a good thing

Hopefully, your next date will actually live up to the potential that this one promised. Without the manipulative bulls--t and high-pressure tactics.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I completely devoured your blog while reentering the dating pool after a divorce/long break. Approaching dating from the perspective of abundance has been huge in keeping my focus on what I want. I have met someone who is amazing for me; I’ve got enough experience to know that this love is real and good and I believe he feels the same. Yay! ��We are both older than most of your fans. We both have kids, and while his kids have a second parent who is totally involved, mine are 100% mine (not just custody, I am really all there is). We are still in early days in the sense that we are definitely a couple and have been clear about our feelings, but we haven’t talked about the long-term. It is pretty clear to me that whatever involvement I have with his kids is as a bonus/ be supportive and love them and respect that they have two competent, caring parents already. But on my end, anything beyond exactly where we are now, spending as much time together as we can, but not involving the kids much, means really involving him with my fatherless children. I am not looking to jump the gun, but the reality is being in a relationship with me ultimately means having a role in their lives. ��I assume this is fairly obvious to a man dating a completely solo parent – that I am a package deal. But, when do you even talk about that? Yes, we defined the relationship, that’s pretty straightforward. How do you ask, “do you just want to love me or are you open to loving them even though it means you are part of the relentless task of parenting without a break?” He is a wonderful human being, who is responsible and conscientious and cares deeply about the people in his life, and he has made it very clear to me how much he loves me. But it’s not like when we started dating he claimed any interest in playing “bonus parent” on hard mode. We were both fairly new to being back on the market. I do not think he had a mental plan for what his forever was going to look like when we started dating, so it’s hard to imagine taking on the life I live was on the radar. ��I don’t want to bring up what feels to me like the elephant(s) in the room super early and seem like I’m asking him to do something huge after only a few months. I don’t need anyone to make my life work, it already does. But also if he’s not open to eventually being a real part of their lives, I feel like I need to know that as soon as I can. ��Thanks for any thoughts you may have. 

Love Me Love My Kids

DEAR LOVE ME LOVE MY KIDS: Some of my advice is going to be contingent on how old your kids are, LMLMK, but all of it is going to hinge on a very important fact: your kids are part of your life. That means that yes, you’re a package deal; being in a serious relationship with you means that your kids will be involved.

Now, if you and your new beau just want something casual – you’ll go out on dates, enjoy fun sexy times together but have no expectation of commitment or a long-term, serious connection – then that’s one thing. You’ll need to deal with logistics more than the dynamics of the role you or he will be taking with each other’s children.

But if you’re looking at having him be a serious part of your life, then yeah, you’re going to have to talk about what it means. Your kids are a part of you and your life. That part’s non-negotiable. Same as for your partner. So if you and he have any ambitions towards, say, moving in together, then you’re absolutely going to need to talk this through and what it all means.

You don’t say how long you’ve been seeing him, which does affect things. I’m firmly of the opinion that one doesn’t involve or even necessarily introduce a partner to your children until you know that this relationship is going to be serious. Even if they’re into their tweens, it can be cruel to introduce someone, allow them to bond with him and then cut him away if that relationship ends. But talking about the future and how you’re going to handle this if and when you do get to that stage? That part needs to happen now.

Here’s my thinking: you know you want something serious with this man. You know that the fact that you have kids means that a romantic partner is going to have some sort of role in your children’s lives too. You both know this conversation’s going to have to happen eventually. It’s better, in my opinion, to have the conversation now, rather than later. The longer you take to have this conversation – one you both know is inevitable – then the harder it’ll be to have at all.

Now, this doesn’t mean that he’s going to need to take a parenting role now, nor does it mean that he’s going to be more than just a name that your kids may be aware of. But you two should at least talk about this so that you have a roadmap about where this relationship is going eventually. So, this would mean talking about how you two are going to make this work down the line.

And since you both have kids, that’s an important discussion to have. You’re both going to need to talk about what a serious or long-term relationship is going to mean. If there’s a chance that this is going to be a blended, Brady Bunch situation, then you need to start laying the groundwork now. That doesn’t mean you need to start pricing out movers or talking to your respective kids about their new siblings, but it definitely means gathering resources, laying foundations and infrastructure and establishing relationships with people who can help ease the transition when it happens.

Now that having been said, I think that this first conversation should be framed as a “for now” conversation, one that’s on contingency, not a foregone conclusion. I think that you’re both also going to need to have conversations with your children about your relationship with one another. After all, this isn’t just going to affect your life, it’s going to have incredible effects on their lives too… and to my mind, they should get to have a say. Unilaterally imposing a new family on them can be difficult under the best of circumstances. Under the wrong circumstances, it can be traumatic as hell. And while I know it seems a bit much to be giving your kids a voice, if not a veto, I think their understanding and their buy-in is important too. Your children are entirely reliant on you, and I think that incurs a responsibility to consider them and their needs and make them the priority. So if the children – yours or his – aren’t ready or able to handle you having a person in your life occupying a similar role to their mother or father, then I think that needs to be taken into consideration as well.

So take time, acknowledge that this is planning for the future, not things that need to happen immediately. You’re laying the groundwork for the time – a time that may still not come – when you’re both ready to take things to the next level. If you can see it as a map and not a contract, it may be easier.

It’s a complicated situation, for sure. And it may well be that, as much as you and he care for each other, you just may not be in a place where you two can make this work. That, unfortunately, is part of the dating experience. But considering just how many people are involved here and that these conversations are going to have to happen eventually, then it’s best to have them now.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com