DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve seen you talk about weird sex stuff in relationships before, but I don’t think I’ve seen anything like the issue I’m having right now.��Some backstory: I’ve been married for four years, together with my now wife for five. Early last year, we had a rough patch in our relationship, we weren’t having sex, fighting a lot, you know how it goes.

I’ll be the first to admit that I wasn’t helping things. I was feeling especially low and I was convinced my wife was going to leave me and I was paranoid as hell, so as ashamed as I am to admit it I was keeping tabs on everything my wife did. This included snooping through her DMs and email one night when she left her laptop open before bed.��I’m not going to justify it, I was wrong, and the fact that I did it at all still eats at me. Like a lot. But I did it. I went through and found a recent email from a guy she used to date before me with some pictures attached. Ah ha! I WAS being cheated on, I thought. I clicked through and it turned out that while she was flirting with her ex a little and talking about our problems, she wasn’t actually sleeping with him. He, however, was trying to get back with her and had sent her pictures they’d taken (consensually) from times they’d had sex.

She turned him down, for the record. But she thanked him for the pictures.

You’d think this would hurt me, but it didn’t. Looking at those pictures I got more turned on than I had in years. It was like being twelve again.

My wife and I eventually went into couple’s counseling and we’re doing better than ever. But she doesn’t know I saw those pictures, doesn’t know I snooped and doesn’t know the effect it’s had on me. You see, since then, I’ve been consumed with fantasies of seeing my wife with other men. I feel weird about it. I know it’s a thing, I’ve seen enough porn about it (which I now watch regularly) but I also feel like I’m not supposed to like it? Like, it’s a sign that I’m not good enough for my wife or something? But at the same time, I still want to actually fulfill this fantasy.

Is there a way I can a) tell my wife about my fantasy b) convince her to try it with/for me and c) not have to tell her how I discovered this side of myself? Should I come clean first? Or is it ok to not tell her and just focus on the rest?

Sincerely,

Hot-Wife Guy  

DEAR HOT-WIFE GUY: So, before I get to your question, HWG, let’s talk a bit about what you did and what you learned. I’m a believer that snooping is, in general, a bad idea. It’s a violation of trust under the best of circumstances and it’s rarely justified… and when it is, it’s almost always only justified after the fact, if (and that’s a mighty big if) you discover something that you had an actual need to know. More often than not, you end up discovering things that you didn’t want to know and can never unknow.

Well, in your case, you seemed to have split the difference in a way that, honestly, I don’t see all that often. You weren’t, in fact, justified and you did discover things that you didn’t know and can’t unknow.

It’s just that in this case, you discovered that you have a kink you weren’t aware of before. So… congratulations on being a new one for me, I guess.

It’s still a violation of trust, and the fact that the consequences aren’t horrible knowledge but boner-fuel doesn’t change that. Having done it once before without eye-searing, heart-breaking pain does suggest that you might be able to rationalize doing it again, which is not a good thing. But I also don’t know if this is a case where telling your wife what you did is going to do anything but cause unnecessary strife or do anything other than damage the relationship retroactively. Especially if things have been on the upswing since then and you’ve addressed the problems you and she were having.

Coming clean, in this case, I think would be more for you and easing any sense of guilt than it would be towards making things right and the knowledge of it could well end up undoing the progress you’ve made.

Personally, I’m inclined to say that you stuff that aspect of it down the memory hole and let the guilt you feel be your penance. But I’d also suggest that maybe you should tell your wife to be more careful about leaving her laptop open and unprotected.

Now as for your newfound kink… that part gets tricky. Some kinks and fetishes are relatively easy to indulge; tickling or foot worship, for example, are often things a less or non-kinky partner may feel comfortable doing even if they don’t get anything out of it. But kinks that involve other people, like cuckolding, hot wife-ing or stag-and-doe can be a kink too far. So the odds are good that, unless your wife is already open to the possibility of some form of non-monogamy, this is going to be hard sell under the best of circumstances.

If you’re going to try to talk with her about this, then I’d suggest being direct, rather than any sort of “hey, I heard about this thing, weird isn’t it ha ha… unless…” attempts to float a trial balloon. You’re much more likely for your wife to at least think about it if you own your interest instead of trying to pretend that this is something you kinda sorta maybe heard about around the way and you’re not REALLY interested but.

If you’re not going to tell her the precise where’s and how’s you discovered your newfound fetish, then I’d recommend you lead with “I saw this in porn I was watching and I got turned on by it. Is this something you might ever be into?” It might help if you can explain things like the concept of erotic humiliation or sperm competition (the tendency of primates to have more intense ejaculations with higher volumes of semen in the ejaculate).

It might also help if, instead of proposing that you go straight to trying to find a bull to be a guest star, that you take a little time to experiment with it at home. Trying to get your wife to have sex with someone else is a hell of a big ask, especially if she’s not necessarily interested in non-monogamy. But asking her to watch cuckolding or hot-wife porn with you and/or to incorporate the fantasy into dirty talk during sex is not nearly as much of a lift, and it’s something she might be more willing to try.

However, you also have to be prepared to accept that watching porn or some dirty talk and role-play may be all you get… if that. This may well be a kink too far for her and if so, then that’s that. She can draw a line and say “nuh-uh”, and you’re going to have to be willing to honor that.

(Especially considering how you did her dirty, before.)

If that’s the case… well, unless you’re willing to blow up your marriage, then porn and your imagination are going to have to be how you fulfill this. Being resigned to running the movie through your head while you jerk it or have sex with your wife may have to be part of the price you pay for how you learned you had this fantasy in the first place.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: A phenomena I’d like some help untangling is why do so many folks (mostly women that look open and very liberal in my experience) specify that they are looking for casual dating/hookups/fwb/etc, but aren’t interested in exploring that with an ethically non-monogamous partner even if he is not interested in children, has a vasectomy, is knowledgeable and responsible with protection and STI screening, and would like to treat said casual partner like an actual human and not just an object?

It seems like that arrangement would be very attractive to lots of women but when I disclose my ENM status right from the start, they will say that they love my energy and personality but they just can’t do non-monogamy (which I am not looking for an additional full-time partner) even if they said themself they are looking for just no-strings fun? Is it mostly an internalized mono-normative thing? Are they themselves doing the “backdoor fwb turned committed relationship” maneuver without even realizing it?

Poly-NO-mial

DEAR POLY-NO-MIAL: First question, PNM: how, exactly, are women going to know about these aspects of yours? Are you listing these in your profile? Telling women about it when you message them? Hoping they can divine it through the air? The way you deliver that info might be part of the problem. Some of that – like “would treat said casual partner like an actual person” is very much a “show, don’t tell” sort of scenario.

But let’s actually dig in to your issue.

The problem here is that you’re asking the wrong question. You’re asking something that I can’t answer, and what answers you would get won’t actually address the issue.

I can’t tell you why women are bouncing off your being ethically non-monogamous for two reasons.

First: there’s not going to be ONE reason; it’s going to be a reason or reasons that are specific to that individual. Many folks may share similar reasons, but it’s still going to come down to that particular person, not some overarching, universally applicable cause.

There are any number of reasons why someone might not want to rock with an ethically non-monogamous partner, even if it’s just for no-strings fun and games with your pants off. They may have had negative experiences with non-mongogamous relationships before, or they may have been put off by the polyamorous communities they’ve seen or been part of. They may feel like hooking up with someone who has (or may eventually have) other partners means that the potential for drama is too high for their comfort. Still others may well be neck deep in mono-normativity and just don’t want anything to do ENM at all.

Some folks like casual relationships but prefer them if it at least feels like there’s the potential for more – and there’s a pretty healthy track record of FWBs and casual relationships that turned serious. Alternatively, they may feel as though getting involved with a poly person would create the vibe that they’re being auditioned as a potential addition to the polycule.

You may practice (or they expect) a form of non-monogamy they don’t rock with; if you’re a kitchen-table poly person, they may not want to have to meet the rest of your extended pod. There are also many, many people – mostly, but not exclusively men – who lie about being ethically non-monogamous and they just don’t feel like taking the risk that you’re one of them.

And, of course, there’s always the possibility that the issue is that they’re just not digging you, per se, and the ENM is an easy way out without saying that.

But the second – and more important reason is that it doesn’t matter. What you need to remember is that the reason why they’re not into ENM – even if you would theoretically be a good match – isn’t what’s important. The important thing is that this is a dealbreaker for them, and there’s not really anything else to be done about it.

The issue with trying to unpack the reasons for why someone who seems to be looking for a guy like you, but balks at the ENM issue is that knowing the reasons won’t actually make a difference. If they’re saying “thanks but no thanks”, trying to dig into the whys and wherefores aren’t going to change anything. It’s not as though there’s a way to tactfully say “I see what you’re worried about, but you’re wrong” in a way that’s not going to come off as intensely presumptive and condescending, nor is it going to change their mind. Reason and emotion can run parallel, but changing one isn’t automatically going to change the other. If they’ve decided that ENM is not for them, or if it’s just the convenient excuse, then that’s more or less the end of that.

I will note that you could, theoretically, leave off the part about your being non-monogamous if your partner or partners aren’t going to be an issue. If your Hinge match is just looking for an NSA hook-up and not expecting regular dates or hang-outs where your relationship status might be an issue, then an argument could be made that the existence or non-existence of other partners is less relevant. The same applies for folks who have a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell arrangement with their partners.

Do I think this the most ethical way of handling the issue? No.

While I do think that until two people have the exclusivity talk, folks shouldn’t assume or expect to be the one-and-only, I do think acknowledging the existence of other partners (even if they’re totally cool with your hooking up without their involvement and/or you have a legitimate DADT arrangement) is the better choice.

But leaving it out is an option. You’re going to deal with folks who have very strong options about lies-of-omission, but hey: you roll the dice and you take your chances.

However, my honest opinion is that your time would be better spent finding folks who are open to non-monogamy, or who are more open to you, specifically. For the former, finding the folks who opted in – either in their profiles, or on more specialized apps like Feeld or #Open. For the latter, you may be better off meeting people in person and letting them get to know you. Either way, you’re much more likely to get better results, better flings, happier FWBs and far fewer drinks thrown in your face when the truth comes out.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a longtime reader of your blog, and have successfully navigated the dating world and am now in a committed, two-year relationship. Finally! However, with any new stage of life comes challenges, and I’d really appreciate your advice.

I’ve recently gone through a layoff at work, and have been trying to find a comparable job elsewhere. As you can guess, this has been extremely stressful. I’ve done my best to keep it from impacting my relationships, romantic or otherwise, but anyone who knows me can tell I’m not exactly over the moon right now.

My boyfriend has been overall supportive through this whole process, but lately he’s started trying to give me advice. While there’s nothing wrong with that per se, we work in two very different industries with different ways of doing things and very different values. Essentially, the ‘advice’ he’s been giving me is vague and impractical at best, and has started to feel more than a little condescending. Some days it feels like I’m dating one of those motivational posters they used to hang up in the hallways in elementary school.

I know he’s trying to be helpful and doesn’t like to see me in any kind of discomfort, but the fortune cookie-style platitudes are leaving me feeling even lower than I was before.

I’ve tried to communicate that “It’s never too late to improve yourself!” or “You can do anything you set your mind to!” is neither helpful or practical at this moment in time. The conversation didn’t go well and I’m not sure how to move forward without more hurt feelings on both sides.

Live, Laugh, Loathe

DEAR LIVE, LAUGH, LOATHE: Before I get to what to do about this, I want to talk for a second about what your boyfriend is attempting to do.

Cisgendered men, as a general rule, have been socialized to believe that a lot of our value comes from action – that is, we’re not valued for who we are, but for what we do. It’s part and parcel of the Toxic Masculinity Package; we’re taught that we’re not wanted, so we must be needed instead. And while this manifests in a lot of f--ked up ways, it also manifests in wanting to “solve” things. That is: we tend to want to demonstrate our value by proving our usefulness and we want to help when our partners are having problems (because we care for them and want them to be happy) and so we tend to fall back into “problem solving mode”.

I am very much not the exception to this, especially with my whole “advice columnist” thing.

Now, this can be irritating under the best of circumstances; a lot of times, when our partners come to us with frustrations or issues, what they’re actually asking for is just to be heard and sympathized with. But socialization is a motherf--ker and we tend to see a problem and think “yo, I’ll solve it.” Instead of saying “s--t, that sucks, here, let me grab a couple drinks and you can tell me about it” and making appropriate thoughtful noises at the right times.

But occasionally one runs into the issue of “ok, partner has a problem, I solve problem… f--k, I don’t know how to solve problem”, which can result in the human equivalent of asking an artificial intelligence to divide by zero. But the lack of insight or solutions doesn’t fully override the self-imposed need to Solve Problems. So what often happens is that, absent an actual clue on what might help, we will end up defaulting to aphorisms and generally meaningless advice.

(It’s also somewhat significant just how much this broadly-applicable-bad-fortune-cookie insight approach tends to show up in a lot of “how to grindset” advice and pop-psych-for-business books, which means it can frequently be top-of-mind… no matter how inapplicable it may be for your career and industry.)

So your boyfriend, while lacking actual productive solutions, wants to help. And while the impulse and enthusiasm may be appreciated, it can be a little like a herding dog’s desire to “help”. The instinct is there, but the available skill set doesn’t match up to the need in the moment… no matter how enthusiastically applied.

I bring all this up because this is a communication issue. He wants to help, you want him to stop helping the way he’s has been, and you both would prefer to resolve this without causing any more headaches on either side.

In this circumstance, I’d suggest an adapted version of the Awkward Conversation – taking a moment to sit and talk through the issue in a structured way.

Note that this version is specifically tailored to the fact that you’ve already talked before and it didn’t go well; thus it’s a bit more conciliatory in order to help smooth ruffled feathers and ease into what would work better for you.

First: acknowledge the intent, but explain why what he’s doing is an issue for you. Specifically, you want him to understand that the broad-but-non-applicable advice makes you feel a certain way, even if that wasn’t his intent. This is when “I” statements are a must; it’s not that his intent is bad, it’s that the way he’s going about it bothers you in a very particular way. I suspect part of why it didn’t go well was that he felt that you were objecting to him, rather than saying “this isn’t the help I need”.

You want to say “I appreciate that you want to help and I love you for trying. But right now, this isn’t helping me; I’m already stressed and frustrated about my job search and I’m not looking for advice. I know it’s not what you’re intending, but when I get broad advice like X, it makes me feel like I’m being condescended to or told things that I already know or that don’t apply and asked why I haven’t done them already.”

Next: Let him know what you actually need or that would be helpful. If there’s something that would take a different source of stress off your plate that he could do, that would be an option. But if what you need, or would just prefer for that matter, is tea-and-sympathy sort of support tell him that. “What I could really use from you right now is for you to $DO_HELPFUL_THING. That would really help with my frustration/ make me less stressed/ make it easier for me to keep going with my job search”.

Finally: again, acknowledge the intent, but let him know how you’d prefer he respond going forward when you have times of stress or struggle. “I appreciate your wanting to help and I don’t want you to think I’m not grateful for it. One thing that would help is if you could ask what kind of help or support I need, first. That way we don’t end up working at cross purposes and just getting frustrated with each other.”

If there’re specific forms of emotional support that you would appreciate – taking on the temporary role of morale officer to help keep your spirits up, for example – then let him know. If you’d prefer he let you vent and provide the necessary ears and shoulders and/or foot rubs, tell him that. But having specific examples or ideas that you would prefer helps make it feel less like “STOP HELPING YOU’RE JUST MAKING IT WORSE, YOU BUMBLING OAF” and more of a “here’s how to win with me” moment.

Hopefully he’ll take this with the same spirit of wanting to help however he can and, in the future, he’ll know to ask “do you want to vent, advice, an accomplice or an alibi?”

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com