DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Big fan here, though I admit I’ve been more of a silent observer until now. My situation’s got me stumped, and I could really use your help.

Here’s the deal: I have social anxiety. And while I can handle it reasonably well in my day-to-day life, when it comes to dating, it’s a complete nightmare.

Case in point: A couple of weeks ago, I went to a friend’s party, armed with the hope of meeting new people. But once I got there, the familiar sinking feeling hit. While everyone else chatted and laughed, I stood in a corner, clutching my drink like it was a lifeline. My mind raced with thoughts like, “What if I say something stupid?” or “Everyone probably thinks I’m weird just standing here.” Needless to say, I left early without having any meaningful conversations.

Online dating? Tried that. But my anxiety even creeps in there. I’ll match with someone, and then I’ll agonize over what to say, how long my response should be, whether I’m being too boring or too forward. There have been times where I haven’t replied for days, only because I was overthinking it so much. By the time I muster up the courage, they’ve often moved on.

Another instance was when a colleague tried setting me up on a blind date. The thought of it had me sweating bullets. I mean, what would we talk about? What if there’s an awkward silence? Or worse, what if I panic mid-date? I ended up cancelling last minute with a lame excuse.

Doc, I genuinely want to connect with people, share my passions, and hopefully find that special someone. But every time I take a step forward, my anxiety pushes me two steps back. It’s like I’m stuck in this never-ending loop of “what ifs” and self-doubt.

Have you got any advice for someone like me, trying to find love in the midst of this internal chaos? I don’t expect miracles, but a few pointers to help me brave the dating realm would be legendary.

Thanks in advance, man.

Stuck in Social Anxiety Limbo

DEAR STUCK IN SOCIAL ANXIETY LIMBO: OK this is going to sound harsh at first, SSAL, but stick with me for a second because I’ll make it all make sense.

Your problem is that you think you’re the center of the universe.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you’re self-aggrandizing or that you believe that you’re the only person that matters. What I’m saying is that you’ve convinced yourself that people are paying far more attention to you than they actually are and that the things that you’re worried about are more significant, more impactful or just more noticeable than reality would suggest.

Trust me: they’re not.

Here’s the thing about social anxiety, SSAL: it’s a weaponized version of the Worst Case Scenario Vision mixed with a surprising amount of egocentrism. It convinces you that you’re the main character on a reality TV show with an editor and production staff rooting for your humiliation, and you can just picture how it’ll all happen in the same reality-breaking resolution as that cursed dome in Las Vegas.

It’s very much a case of feeling like everybody is thinking the way you do, seeing things the way you do and would respond the way you would if the circumstances were reversed. Except none of that is true. Especially the last part.

Most people are too caught up in their own issues to notice to something as immaterial as “dude who’s holding the wall up by himself at the party”, and the folks who do notice don’t care nearly as much as you do. 99% percent of them will forget it as soon as you leave their eye-line and the ones that don’t aren’t going to assign any real meaning to it other than just a factual “SSAL is standing over there”.  

Don’t believe me? Check out this video about The Monkey Business Illusion – a famous demonstration of how selective our attention can be. Most of the time we’re convinced that we’re the dude in the monkey suit and everybody is gonna want to know what the f--k is up with the costume. But in reality? People may miss it entirely.

As David Foster Wallace once said: “You’ll stop worrying what others think about you when you realize how seldom they do.”

The thing to understand is that part of the reason you feel this way is that you have an unlimited, 24-7, all access feed to every thought, feeling and notion that goes through your head. Those awkward thoughts or worries feel significant because… well, you are experiencing all of them. But everyone else, lacking any psychic ability to read your mind, doesn’t see or experience any of it. They only see you.  

Similarly, you are so familiar with how you look and see yourself so often that you zero in instantly on anything that’s out of place – the inconvenient blemish, the weird thing your hair is doing in the back, and so on. But that’s entirely because you are so used to looking at yourself that the differences and changes leap out at you in stunning 4D. That increases the amount of importance and significance you assign to it. The vast majority of people, however, don’t spend that same amount of time studying your every feature and thus don’t notice every minor detail. And when they do? They never care. They have no reason to; it’s not nearly as big of a deal as you think it is.

Remember what I said about how you feel like people would react the way you would if you saw something similar? Well… think about that for a moment. How often have you noticed the wallflower and thought that they were being weird just hanging out? Likely very few. How often have you been talking to someone and they made the same verbal flubs or awkward phrasings that everyone makes on occasion… and just how often have you noticed or cared? Odds are very good that if you noticed at all, you breezed right past it because hey, everyone stumbles over their words occasionally. It’s not a big deal; it’s just standard software/hardware conflicts that crop up in the human experience.

Now, while this is helpful for some cognitive reframing, that doesn’t necessarily help in the moment. What does help is understanding what makes social anxiety worse: hesitation. Social anxiety makes you pause, and in that moment, your brain has the chance to go into Worst Case Scenario Mode and come up with all the horrible things that could go wrong. This is why part of the way that you overcome social anxiety is to give yourself less time to think.

When we talk about beating approach anxiety with the 3 second rule – if you see someone you want to talk to, you have three seconds to start going over to talk to them – this is why. By forcing yourself into action, you give yourself less time to think – or, more specifically, over think. You’re already in motion and now you’re right next to them, so you don’t have time to stop and come up with a list of excuses as to why it’s not a good time to say “hi!”. If you take that initial emotional momentum and work with it, instead of against it, then you continue to put yourself in a position of not having time to think of all the awful things that could (but won’t) go wrong.

A similar technique for pushing through social anxiety is to actually be in the moment and pay attention to the people you’re interacting with. Social anxiety is a condition of inattention to others. If you’ve got time to think about what you should be saying or cringe about what you flubbed, then you’re not actually paying attention to what they are saying or doing. You’re focusing your attention inward, on yourself, instead of outward, on the other person. So now, not only are you lost in your own little world (and rapidly running out of oxygen), but you’re not being authentic. You’re too focused on what you’ve done “wrong” or trying to be “perfect” and thus aren’t being genuine with them. You’re trying to give the version of you that you think other people require instead of being the real you. And if the real you is occasionally awkward? Well… roll with it. Sometimes people are awkward. Everybody. That includes every celebrity you can think of. Yes, even him.

(And let me tell you, talking with some well-known, very popular figures in geek circles –  names you would unquestionably recognize – and watching them have the same “aw f--k did I actually say that?” moment that everyone experiences is a great reminder of how much people’s “smoothness” or “perfection” is in the edit, not in reality.)

Yeah, occasionally you’ll say or do something awkward. Or maybe you’ll be on a date and you’ll have a moment of quiet. Guess what? Not only are these normal, but being comfortable with them is actually a mark in your favor. It can help to think of those pauses as “companionable silence” rather than “awkward silence” and not rush to fill the air with verbal flack.

Similarly, calling out the awkward is an amazing way to make things less awkward, even make people laugh because you actually have the confidence to call attention to it. I’ve gotten a lot of mileage out of making a joke of those moments – saying “and then a hush fell over the crowd, injuring ten” during those mid-conversation pauses, for example. Hell, I’ve had moments where I choked trying to talk to a pair of lovely young women at a bar. And I don’t mean “I couldn’t think of anything to say” or “I shot my shot but f--ked it up because I did badly”, I mean I literally aspirated on my own saliva as I walked over and introduced myself. But instead of running away, I paused until I quit coughing, said “hang on, I can do that better, let’s try that again,” and then literally backed up before walking towards them a second time to reintroduce myself. “I liked that one better, did you like that one better? I felt that one was better”.

Spoiler alert: I got both of their numbers after that – precisely because I was willing to push through the awkwardness of it all and just laugh it off.

Your mistakes, weird quirks or really inconvenient blemishes aren’t nearly as noticeable as you think, and pretty much everybody has experienced them. While you work on reframing these issues in your mind, give yourself less time to think and put more effort into paying attention to other people instead of yourself. That will cut down on your self-consciousness that leads to the anxiety.

And if things do get awkward? Call it out, instead of letting it freak you out. Trust me: those moments that you’re afraid of may well be the very thing that brings you and your future partner together and become the thing you laugh about fondly in 20 years.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I realized I was asexual a while ago but why do I still have a yearning to be in a relationship? I feel a sense of anxiety like I feel like I’m f--king up or I’m a creep around other people.

Don’t Want What I Can’t Have

DEAR DON’T WANT WHAT I CAN’T HAVE: You’re ace, not a robot, DWWICCH. Being asexual – wherever you fall on the asexuality spectrum – just means that your relationship to sex and sexuality is different than most. You may be sex-repulsed or sex-indifferent, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t want relationships.

Sex isn’t the same thing as love, after all. Nor is it the same thing as intimacy – whether physical or emotional. In fact, one of the largest and most unmet needs in American society is a need for physical contact with others. We’re a social species, and we have a very real need for physical touch. Infants who get an insufficient amount of physical contact suffer from serious health issues; they generate lower levels of growth hormones, they lose catastrophic amounts of weight and may well die because of the complications from failure to thrive. Adults need a certain amount of physical touch, too; not having it causes a condition known as “skin hunger” and end up suffering from depression and anxiety-like symptoms.

Similarly, we have need for emotional intimacy, with people we care for and who care for us. Emotional isolation and lack of emotional connections with others is just as bad for us as a lack of physical touch.

But part of the problem is that we often conflate those forms of intimacy with sex. And while sex is a form of physical (and often emotional) intimacy, it’s not the only one. Those needs don’t go away just because someone isn’t interested in slamming various bits into other peoples’ bits. Nor do we compartmentalize so much that a lack of sexual desire also equates to not having a sexual orientation (for lack of a better term). Ace people can be heteroromantic, homoromantic or bi/panromantic, even though they may not want to have sexual contact with the people they’re attracted to.

And to be clear: people who have very low sex drives, who are completely asexual with no interest in sex or who find sex repugnant can and do fall in love – romantic love – with other people. They still feel the fluttery nerves of early infatuation or get riled up by the dopamine and oxytocin rush of New Relationship Energy, still want to cuddle with their partners, touch their partners and have the casual physical and emotional connection with them. They just don’t necessarily want to f--k.

(And honestly, even that can vary; some ace people will have sex with their partners. But it often is for their partners, rather than something they desire for themselves or for its own sake.)

You’re not f--king up because you’re an ace person who wants to date or find love, nor is it inherently creepy. It’s just part of how you’re wired – one point on the wild multi-axis graph that is the human experience. You’re in a minority, sure… but being in that minority doesn’t mean anything other than just statistical presence in the population.

Getting more comfortable with your sexuality (or lack thereof) is going to be a good start towards recognizing that being ace doesn’t mean being desireless. Visiting the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network at asexuality.org is a good starting point, especially if you can use it as a launch pad to meet others. It might do you some good to find other people in the asexual community and see that you’re not alone or even all that unusual.

From there? Well, I won’t deny that it will be a challenge to find that relationship. The majority the population tend to be allosexual, after all. It may require some flexibility and a willingness to adopt a non-conventional relationship model… but you’re already living an unconventional life. Why shouldn’t your relationship be as unique and special as you are?

This is why it’s important to remember that “a challenge” is not the same thing as “impossible”. As I’m often saying: nobody said that it would be easy. Just that it is worth it.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: About six months ago, I (m/22) began dating Jamie (f/22)(not her real name). We were introduced through an on-campus comic and geek interest club. We got along great, we had intense chemistry, we liked a lot of the same things and we could at least make a solid effort to appreciate each other’s favorites even if we didn’t share them. For a while, everything seemed great.

But as these things often go, Jamie and I realized we weren’t as compatible as we thought. Last month, we decided to call it quits. No big drama, no terrible fight, just an understanding that, romantically at least, we just didn’t really click and the passion was fading for both of us. It was probably the least painful breakup I’ve ever had, which I guess is a good thing.

Here’s where it gets weird, I guess. I’m used to break ups where we go our separate ways and don’t really see each other ever again. Most of my previous relationships didn’t have this much overlap with my friends or my hobby groups. While the breakup was mutual and we both agreed to stay friends, things have gotten… well, awkward. We’re in the same close-knit group, so avoiding each other isn’t an option and we both go to a lot of the same events or parties and hang out with a lot of the same people.

Every time I go to an event or gathering, there’s this tension. Half the time, I’m wondering if I should go up and talk to Jamie, or if it’s better to keep my distance. Should I crack a joke, or will that be too flippant? And then there’s the rest of the group – they’ve been super supportive, but I can’t help but feel like they’re walking on eggshells around us. The last thing I want is for our breakup to split up the group or make things uncomfortable for everyone else.

So, here’s where I’m hoping your sage advice comes in. How can I make things less uncomfortable? I genuinely want to be friends with Jamie and keep our group dynamics as normal as possible. But it feels like we’re both in this awkward dance, unsure of how to act or what to say.

Since our breakup, attending group events has become increasingly difficult. The tension between Jamie and me is palpable. I’m never sure whether to engage in conversation with them or give them space. Additionally, it feels like the rest of the group is on edge when we’re both present. I’m concerned our personal situation is affecting the harmony of the group, which is the last thing I wanted.

I feel like I’m in a really awkward place about this, because I’m not even sure if this tension is real. I’ve thought about maybe talking to Jamie one-on-one, clearing the air, but I’m not sure how to even start that conversation without making things weirder. And what if they don’t feel the same way? I also wonder if I should talk to the rest of the group about it, or if that’d just be overkill.

I miss the ease of our group hangouts and the camaraderie we all shared. I know things can’t go back to exactly how they were, but maybe it can close? How do I navigate this? And what happens if one of us starts dating again?

Thank you in advance,

Navigating Group Dynamics

DEAR NAVIGATING GROUP DYNAMICS: So, this is a good news/ less good news situation, rather than a good news/bad news one, NGD. I think that the tension you’re feeling with your friends and your club is mostly just you. That’s the good news.

The less good news is that your friends are likely taking their cues from you and your behavior with Jaime. You’re acting awkward around her, she’s probably acting a little weird too and everyone’s just trying to figure out what the new normal is now that you two have broken up.

There’re a couple things going on here, but they all come down to the same thing: it’s a matter of people trying to figure out what the right vibe or behavior is now that things have changed. The tension you’re feeling is the tension between the known (how you and Jaime behaved with each other) and the unknown (what are you to each other now that you’re broken up).

Let’s focus on the situation with you and Jaime for a minute here. One of the tricky aspects of a break up, even with a fairly short-term relationship, is that your dynamic has changed. In every relationship, a couple develops their own vibe or dynamic – some are schmoopy and demonstrative, some are joke-y and banter-y a la Nick and Nora Charles, some are dominant/submissive, some are team players, etc.

This dynamic, in its way, becomes a sort of part of your identity, just as the relationship becomes part of your identity. Your sense of self has expanded to encompass this other person; you’re not just NGD, now you’re NGD-and-Jaime. The longer you’re together, the more firmly this expanded sense of identity becomes a part of your life.

It’s not just the state of Being In A Relationship so much as how you’ve incorporated another person into your life. After all, it’s not like you live your life exactly the same except now there’s another person sitting on the couch with you. You’ve had to make adjustments to schedules, how you do things together vs. separately, you develop responsibilities to one another and so on. If you live together, this becomes even more pronounced, as the two of you work on finding the equilibrium between your daily routine and theirs.

But now that you’re broken up, the dynamic has changed drastically. You’re now in the position of having to re-learn who you are now that you’re not NGD-And-Jaime. You’re not going to be who you were before you dated because time only flows one direction and you don’t forget all the things you learned or changed while you were with them. You’re having to figure out how much of this is going to be incorporated into your current sense of self and how much is going to revert to your previous state… what does or doesn’t change may well surprise you. That could be anything from learning to like new foods or new music, different ways of maintaining your living space to different ways of seeing the world. We are all changed, to an extent, by the people we’ve loved and who loved us.

But this also creates a sort of tension between you and your ex. The longer you’ve been together, the more that the way you act with them becomes muscle memory; the sort of thing you do without even thinking. This can feel uncomfortable or awkward at times, especially in the early days – you fall back into old patterns or behaviors without realizing it. But the circumstances where this behavior was appropriate are gone and so now it feels weird and awkward… especially when you end up doing something on autopilot. In a way, it’s a little like switching between games with radically different controller set-ups; muscle memory says you hit THIS button to do X but in this new game, hitting that button does Y instead. Sometimes that’s just a minor annoyance. Other times, it causes problems that you didn’t expect, because you were acting on autopilot.

But, much as with jumping between games, this is something that gets easier over time. You may have to consciously think to change your behavior for a bit, but you’ll acclimate soon enough. It’s just easier to do when you’re not always around each other, the way you and Jaime are, currently. This isn’t inherently a bad thing, especially with an amicable break up; it’s just easier to sort out your new normal without the other person there to trigger those old habits, just as you’re trying to break them.

That same sort of tension is what your friends are feeling. They’re used to you as a couple and behaving with you a certain way. Now that you’re not a couple, they’re not entirely sure what the best way to act is. And since this is a “there was no bad guy here, we just didn’t work as partners” situation, there’re fewer guidelines than if this were a high-conflict break up.  

Now, fortunately for you and Jaime, this is likely not going to be an issue for terribly long. You were only a couple for six months. That’s enough time to start developing those new habits, but they’re not going to be as firmly set as they would be if, say, you’d been together for six years. That means you’ll find your new dynamic a little faster than you might have otherwise. But the recency of your break up is still going to make things feel a bit weird.

But weird isn’t necessarily bad. It’s just different. The biggest issue I think you, Jaime and your friends are all feeling is that awkward tension of not knowing what to do or say… but also not acknowledging the awkward.

The best thing you can do about this is to just call out the awkward. There’s nothing that breaks this silent tension like calling it out for what it is – you feel weird, she probably feels weird, isn’t that just crazy? I promise you: saying “Ok, so do you feel as weird as I do, now?” to Jaime is going to break the tension like nothing else. In fact, I will all but guarantee that this will get the response of “OH THANK GOD SOMEONE SAID IT” and deflate the tension like a balloon.

Now, this won’t fix everything. It’s still going to take time for you and Jaime (and by extension, everyone else) to figure out your new groove. There’s no way to speed that up that won’t inevitably fail. But the tension will be gone it’ll be much easier to find that new groove without also pretending that nothing has changed or having to tiptoe around the elephant in the room.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com