DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you as I have been struggling with this dilemma and really need some perspective! I really can’t talk about this with anyone else.

So I M[28] have been in a relationship with this girl F[24] for 7-8 months now. She is the one who initiated the relationship and she was clear about the fact that she is looking for a long term relationship and marriage. It started very well – she was immensely interested in me and couldn’t wait to talk to me any chance she gets. I soon fell in love with her as well.

However, we work close to each other and hence can’t really disclose the relationship to anyone. Our plan currently is for me to switch and then we will disclose it to everyone & our parents and marry.

However, now things are a little different. Although, she says she loves me whenever I ask her, and we often hang out and are physical – I just feel like she isn’t really happy with me.

She never said that she is not happy – whenever I bring this topic she just tells me that I’m overthinking. But I have my reasons why I think this –

1) She often takes long time to respond to my texts; often hours and isn’t always particularly interested to keep up the conversation. But she’s glued to her phone when we’re together.

2) She is still close to her best friend (who she promises isn’t interested in her romantically and even if he is, she’d decline the moment he expresses it) He doesn’t know that she’s dating – complicating the matter further.

He initiates fights – that she doesn’t give much time to her and more painfully for me, she is distraught when they fight. She loses days of sleep when they fight.

This makes me uncomfortable as she seems to be more emotionally connected to him than me. We haven’t had any fights so far but I don’t know if she’ll lose sleep because of me.

As a boyfriend is it wrong for me expect that she is more emotionally connected to me than her friends? Why, if she was so attached with him, approach me at all? I never showed her any attention before; its only after her confession that I fell hard in love.

What confuses me is that why would she even be with me if she wasn’t interested in me. How do I say this to my girlfriend because whenever I bring this up she says that I’m the most important person in her life – but her actions say otherwise.

Thanks a lot!

She Loves Me… Not?

DEAR SHE LOVES ME… NOT: SLMN, can I ask you a couple questions here?

First: just between you and me and everyone reading this… is this your first serious relationship?

Second question: do you want the answer to be “you are correct, she doesn’t love you”? Because it feels like you do. And if you don’t… well, you’re well on the way to getting her to fall out of love.

Let me start with the obvious answer: no I don’t think she loves you. But then again, I don’t think you love her, either. Not because you two are a bad match and you’re just going through the motions, but because you are seven months into this relationship. The average half-life of New Relationship Energy is six months and you’re just on the outside of that range. That’s not really enough time to get to know someone – certainly not enough to know that you two are right and ready to commit to getting married. You’re barely at the stage where you’re going to feel comfortable peeing with the bathroom door open, never mind planning your futures together.

That doesn’t mean that love isn’t in the cards or that you two are going to break up. It just means that you’re just out of the stage when NRE makes everything feel amazing and wonderful and into the stage where the things that were cute at first are going to start being less cute… or possibly even making you grind your teeth.

This is part of what makes me suspect that this is your first serious relationship. Once you’ve had a few under your belt, it’s a lot easier to recognize the difference between the NRE stage and when the metaphorical rubber hits the road. But if you’re not used to it, that’s when you notice that you’re not as rapturously ecstatic in their presence and it’s very easy to start assuming that maybe things are going wrong.

That lack of experience crops up in other ways, too. Let’s take the phone issue. There’re a couple possibilities at play here. The first is, very simply, you and she have different relationships with texting and your phones. The speed with which someone responds isn’t necessarily an indicator of anything other than how close they are to their phone or their computer and what else is going on around them. It’s not a reliable metric of how much they care or really much of anything.

Some people are indifferent texters. They don’t respond instantly, they may not communicate as easily or confidently via text and generally prefer either calls, video chats or talking in person. As a general rule, it’s far better to take people as they are than it is to get upset at them for who they’re not.

But – I hear you cry – she’s always on her phone! Yes… and that’s where different relationships with one’s phone comes in. Some folks – especially people with varying degrees of neruospiciness, such as myself – tend to be stuck on their phones a lot. If someone has a condition like ADHD, autism or other neurological conditions that limit or inhibit dopamine production, the phone is a smorgasbord of novelty and dopamine, constantly providing little hits of the happy chemicals that their brains don’t produce as easily (or at all). It may also be the primary way she connects with some folks, but not others – such as the people who she may not see in person very often.

Now if her being on her phone all the time when you two are together is a problem for you, that’s entirely legitimate. But rather than stewing in silence or assuming that it’s proof she doesn’t love her, you should actually just say something. Tell her “hey, when you’re on your phone, I feel like you’re not really present with me. I’d appreciate it if you’d put it away/ make an effort to be with me, not me and your phone.”

It may take some effort and some mindful effort on her part to be consistent about not getting lost in her phone. But even so, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care; it means she’s trying to break a habit born out of an actual chemical process, not a lack of affection for you.

Her best friend… well that’s another matter. Specifically, this is a you problem, not a her problem. Her caring about her best friend, being upset when they fight or otherwise making her a priority in her life doesn’t say anything about her feelings for you. The same with his being upset that she doesn’t seem to have as much time for him. That’s not him positioning himself as a romantic rival, that’s him saying “I miss my friend and feel like I’m not seeing enough of you”. He may well be feeling a little abandoned… especially if he doesn’t know you two are dating.  

I will tell you this: she absolutely loves her best friend. He wouldn’t be her best friend if she didn’t. a lot of this comes from the fact that he’s an important part of her life. She loves and cares for him because they’re friends. It’s understandable that she’d get upset about fighting with him. They have history together – more than you and she currently have. That matters.  

That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you, nor does it mean that he’s a threat (in the sense that you imagine) to your relationship. There’re many different kinds of love; the ancient Greeks had words for many different types of love, from eros to agape to filios to storge and so on. You can love your best friend but not love them romantically, just as you can love your family without falling into weird “Flowers in the Attic” territory.

Just as importantly, love isn’t a zero-sum game, where there’s only so much to go around. Her love for her BFF doesn’t take away from how she feels for you; it’s not pie. If you can love your father and your mother without taking away from one or the other, then you can surely understand how she can love her friend without having less love for you.   

Honestly, if you think that her being in a romantic relationship with you means that she should give up her time with her friends or care less for them… well, you’re not going to be in this relationship for long. Nor will it if you continue to assume that just having male friends who are important to her are somehow an indication that she has a romantic connection to them that supersedes yours. Men and women can be friends without sex or romantic love “getting in the way”, after all. But if you’re going to start being suspicious about her friends and her relationships with them, you’re going to end up damaging your relationship with her before you realize what you’ve done.

And speaking of damage… my dude, you need to stop asking constantly if she loves you or if she’s upset with you or not. Right now, you’re refusing to take “yes” for an answer and that is going to end up being more of a problem. Every time you ask, she says “yes, we’re fine, yes, I love you” and you effectively call her a liar. There’re only so many times that someone can provide reassurance before they start wondering why you won’t believe them. There comes a point where you have to start talking yourself off the metaphorical ledge and not looking for more reasons to get back out on it.

If I may be blunt: I’ve already said that this feels like first-relationship problems, and I suspect that a lot of it stems from your not understanding about NRE and the early stages of relationships. It’s almost certainly not helped by the apparent need for secrecy (which I don’t get, but whatever; not my circus, not my clowns). I think you need to take a couple steps back, take some deep breaths and realize that you’re the author of a lot of your own misery here.

I also think that you shouldn’t be talking marriage – certainly not when you’re having problems like this, this early on. If you two are going to make this a priority, then I’d strongly suggest a very long engagement while you work on your communication and build the trust and respect that a successful long-term relationship requires. Because honestly, you don’t trust her right now. That’s relationship poison. If you can’t learn to start managing these jealousy issues, that’s going to end up pushing you apart… no matter how much you care for one another.

Good luck.

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have a girl I’ve sort of adopted, and she is having sex with the men in my friend circle and they all have girlfriends including my ex and my boyfriend she had become friends with these woman also she has sex with these men and afterwards says she is a piece of s--t and she don’t know why she does it.

But I should have been the exception of the rule, because I have been there for her and she lived with me and I took care of her she is in her mid-twenties and should know better I’ve had gut feeling for the last 6 months that there was some secret something going on between her and my boyfriend. They both denied anything happening I left for a three week trip out of town and within a week they had a threesome together, knowing how I was feeling about the who situation.

Is there a mental health issue for a woman to blatantly disregard people’s feelings and boundaries to people who has done absolutely nothing to her to deserve this type of disrespect and horrible behavior? She now has no lasting friendships and really doesn’t seem very upset when she is confronted by the women she has hurt she just says “I don’t know why I did it ” “I’m a piece of s--t ” but she continues to sleep with more men, almost like she has to have other woman’s men.

I’m truly hoping you could bring some light to why she would behave this way before someone really hurts her for sleeping with their husband or boyfriend.

Not Down With OPP

DEAR NOT DOWN WITH OPP: I’m not sure why you thought you’d be an exception, NDOPP. This sounds very much like a case of “curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal”. You knew who she was and what she was like. She hadn’t shown respect to anyone else’s relationships; the fact that you were close with her and treated her like found family doesn’t necessarily grant magic resistance to her desire to f--k up other people’s lives.

Now as for why? Well… honestly, the why is less important. It’s not as though knowing that, say, she has deep-seated trauma and punishes herself by consciously or subconsciously isolating herself by burning every conceivable bridge is going to change things or make it better. She’s still f--king up people’s relationships with joyous abandon.  

I’m also not inclined to ascribe a mental health issue to her behavior. Being an asshole isn’t a mental illness, after all, and some people are just assholes.

It’s certainly possible that she has something akin to borderline personality disorder; some people with BPD will act out in disruptive and harmful ways as a particularly dysfunctional form of self-defense. BPD tends to correlate with trauma and a deeply ingrained fear of rejection and being hurt and some people will behave in ways that push others away in a misguided attempt to keep from being hurt. 

Is that what’s happening here? F--ked if I know. Having BPD doesn’t make you a serial cheater/homewrecker, and god knows most people who do have BPD don’t act out like this. Just as relevantly, though:  Dr. NerdLove is not a mental health professional, and even if I were I wouldn’t be able to diagnose someone third hand via letter.

The more important part is that, as I said, it doesn’t really matter. Maybe she does have BPD. Maybe she has some sort of trauma and she acts out sexually. Maybe she just really likes breaking taboos or gets off on the power of knowing she can “take” someone else’s man from them. In either case, it’s not as though there’s anything you can do to change that. You’re not her doctor, her legal guardian or someone who’s in a position to actually “fix” her, nor should you be trying.

However, there’s also the fact that it seems like you’re putting everything on her and not on the men – including your boyfriend – for their part in this. Someone can’t “steal” your man, as though he had no choice in the matter. It’s not like she’s a succubus, magically enthralling men and leading them into temptation against their will. All of the men involved are as much to blame; it takes two to tango, and they all chose to cheat with her. And while I’m on record as saying that not all infidelities are equal, there’s a difference between “I had too much to drink and failed my wisdom saving throw while I was on vacation” and hooking up with someone who’s been making her way through the entire friend circle and leaving destruction in her wake.  

This is why the “why” of her actions doesn’t really matter. The bigger, more important “why” is “why is she still in your life”? Even if we leave out the “well she never did it to me” aspect (especially since she eventually did), the fact that this person was causing such chaos and strife in your social circle sounds like a very good reason to kick her the f--k out. It’s also a good reason to be upset with the folks she cheated with.

That it eventually came back around and bit you in the ass? Well, like the scorpion said to the frog, “you knew I was a scorpion when you met me”.

Stop worrying about the “why” and focus more on the “what” – specifically, what’re you going to do about her. And my recommendation would be for you and your friends to drop her like fifth period French.

Good luck.

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (late 20s NB) got laid on Valentines! Hell yeah! It was with a good friend, and the experience was quite nice: we were both very happy with it. But in the time since, I’ve realized I am *not* ready for a serious romantic relationship (and like, maybe this is something I need to talk to my therapist about, maybe this situation wouldn’t be quite right anyway.)

Now, there… wasn’t actually a lot of talking about what this was – it was a “so, we’re both single. I think you’re cute – and, you think I’m cute too! It’s been years since I’ve kissed anyone – do you want to hook up?” conversation. I’m very fond of this person, and would love repeat that hook up again, but the idea of going on a Serious Date or Committing has me jittery and uncomfortable.

And maybe he’s on the same page as I am, but there was cuddling involved. Maybe he’s just a gentleman, but I do not want to break this dude’s heart or mislead him at all.

I’m the opposite of a mind reader, so I try and be very upfront about what’s going on with me. This guy… is getting better at advocating for what he wants, but I do have a real worry that he might try to go along with something I want even if it doesn’t work for him. Like, you are an incredibly caring, wonderful person to be around, bud, but I NEED YOU TO SPEAK UP ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT.

So, I’m probably going to be initiating some kind of conversation soon. You have that “defining the relationship” article, but… most of the “giving a warning ahead of time” scripts you give kind of seem geared towards people who are looking to define something into something more serious– and if I lead with that,

How do you lead into a “Friends? With Benefits?”/”What do you want out of this?” conversation with the minimum amount of pressure or getting hopes up?

Sincerely,

Bro, I Love You (But Not Like That)

DEAR BRO I LOVE YOU (BUT NOT LIKE THAT): First: congrats on the Valentine’s Day hookup! I’m well established as not being a fan of Lover’s  Holy Day of Capitalist Obligation, but hey, I am always a fan of folks getting the mutually rewarding hook-up.

Now, I need to drop an editing note: you seem to have forgotten the rest of the sentence after “… and if I lead with that”. But based on the context, I’m guessing you’re worried that you’re going to give the wrong message to your current snugglebunny.

If that’s the case… well, you’ve fallen victim to one of the classic blunders the most famous of which is “don’t assume you’re a mind reader; use your words” (which you’re trying to avoid, well done), but only slightly less well known is this: “You can’t control how other people feel or respond to you, you can only control what you present to them”.

The biggest headaches in casual relationships are when everyone tries to avoid conversations that they really should be having, especially as the relationships progress – especially when worried that maybe they’re leading the other person on… somehow. The best practices are to lay things out early on, so that everyone understands what’s going on. But if you didn’t manage that, you still want to at least have a check in and makes sure that everybody’s on the same page… and that you’re actually reading from the same book.

It’s understandable that trying to initiate these conversations can be stressful. There’s the fear of rejection, of course, but there’s also the fear of embarrassment – of coming across like you presumed too much, that you misread things or that you care more (or less) than the other person does. Or, worst of all: you’ve somehow lead them to think that this relationship might be more than it actually is or can be.

That often can lead to one of the biggest sins of a casual relationship: treating the other person casually, in order to reduce the likelihood of the other person catching feelings.

Part of why these conversations are important is that, because without actually talking things through, it gets very easy to blur lines and cause misunderstandings. What you think something means isn’t always what the other person means by it. This is where folks often end up getting confused and causing conflicts where conflicts might not have otherwise existed.

Take your post-coital cuddles, for example. The fact that your guy didn’t immediately leap up, clean himself off on your dish towel and vacate the premises doesn’t mean that the afterglow are the waves of infatuation radiating out of him; some folks are just cuddlers. Some people enjoy laying there and having continued intimate contact, afterwards. Sometimes it’s romantic, sometimes it’s politeness and sometimes, hey, it just feels good.

Similarly, folks who don’t cuddle aren’t cold-hearted bastards who just wanted to hit it and quit it. It may be physically uncomfortable for them (especially if they have issues like joint pain), they may have sensory issues (feeing too many different sensations gets overwhelming) or just plain don’t care for cuddling, even if they like the person they’re with.

When you make assumptions about what X means, you’re making them based on your expectations, your experiences and how you communicate things. The other person doesn’t necessarily share those and has very different ideas about what X means to them. So it’s better to just make things clear than it is to guess.

At the same time – and I’m saying this as someone who dated a person who was explicit about not wanting a serious relationship and figured he could change her mind – you can’t control how other people react.

It’s admirable that you’re worried about not leading the guy on or not letting him get stuck in a casual relationship when he wants more… you can’t really take on responsibility for other people’s feelings, nor can you control them. There are no magic words that will preclude someone developing feelings or even just straight up not listening. You can be explicit and blunt about what you want and what you don’t want, laying it out with such precision and clarity, anticipating every possible bad faith interpretation and closing of every loophole that contract lawyers would weep with envy and some people will still respond with “I reject your reality and substitute my own”.

You’re dealing with a grown-ass man here, even if he’s someone who has a hard time advocating for his own needs. You can’t advocate for him, to him. The best you can do with another person… well, your best. You lay it out as clearly as possible and they either say “ok, got it” or “nope, I’m out”. If they say the former while doing the mental equivalent of crossing their fingers behind their backs… well, that’s on them.

All of which is a long-winded way of saying: just tell him. Tell him what you told me in this letter: you like him, you’d definitely be into hooking up again but also you know, for 100% certainty, that you’re not up for a romantic relationship or even things that have the trappings of a serious relationship. Lay out the exact four corners of what you are up for and make it clear that romance – including romantic dates – are well outside of them. If he’s cool with that, then blessings on you both. If not… well, you had great sex and that’s great too and you’re still good friends. That hasn’t changed.

Now one thing to remember is that this isn’t a one-time conversation. I’m a big believer in checking in with your partner and make sure that this is still meeting your needs and their needs. And it can be hard to open up if there’s an issue. Sometimes people won’t speak up because they worry that doing so would mean the end of the relationship. And while it’s an understandable worry, leaving things unsaid for fear of rocking the boat is how you end up with unnecessary heartbreak and ultimately making things hurt so much more when the truth comes out.

It’s admirable that you worry about this and it’s a credit to you as a person that you care. But he’s still a grown man with agency. If it really does come down to “he caught feelings for you, but didn’t want to say because this is the only way he could be with you”… well, I don’t mean to sound callous but that is on him.

Hopefully, modeling the behavior you want to see and  encouraging that open communication and sharing how you’re feeling about things will empower him to advocate for his own needs.

Good luck.

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