DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 29/F. Two years ago I met these two guys (Fin & Chad) who I thought would be great partners. However, turns out they were best friends. I felt pressured to pick one though I really wanted to get to know both of them. I picked Finn, the one I felt more compatible and close with. Unfortunately, he strung me along for an year until I decided it was enough.
All this time Chad had stopped speaking to me. I felt really bad for some months because I thought I had made a wrong choice. I prayed that we may cross paths again. Then I forgot about him until he reached out again via phone call and I couldn’t even recognize his voice. He disappeared again. Then I apped him and he was super cold towards me. I understood that I had hurt him.
An year later he reaches out, with strong intentions of marrying me. One thing I noticed was that he seemed a bit cold. He also mentioned that he had broken up with his situationship prior to reaching out. But I was glad that we were talking again.
Like two weeks later he lost his job and from there he became inconsistent in everything. I undertook so I gave him his space. Months later I lost a brother and he was aloof. He disappears for a month before reaching out, a trend that has been going on for 8 months now. He got a job and everything seems to be okay. I feel like I might have been his rebound or he just lost interest in me. Either way I want out. How do I go about it since we are not official?
Situationship Normal, All F--ked Up
DEAR SITUATIONSHIP NORMAL, ALL F--KED UP: Honestly, SNAFU, I’m scratching my head as to why you got together with either of them. It doesn’t sound like either of these guys were winners. Both of them seem to follow the same pattern of stringing you along and not paying much attention to you or your needs.
Chad in particular, seems to just come and go, disappearing when things get hard for him but showing no concern when you have tragedies in your own life. I mean, being aloof when you didn’t just experience a death in the family but your brother? To be perfectly honest, that’s the sort of behavior that would make me reconsider why I kept in contact with them, never mind trying to make a relationship work. And this is from someone who, apparently, was seriously talking about making this relationship with an eye towards marriage.
I don’t know if you were a rebound, if you were convenient, if he lost interest or, hell, this is some weird psychodrama where he’s “punishing” you for choosing his friend over him. But honestly, it doesn’t matter. Nor, for that matter, does it matter that this isn’t “official”. Having the stamp of “boyfriend” on the relationship instead of “situationship” (a term I really dislike, for many reasons) or “casual” or “it’s complicated” doesn’t make a difference. The fact that this is a messy situation doesn’t mean that you can’t break up with him. You’re 100% allowed to tell someone you never want to see or talk to them again and that this relationship – whatever form it’s taking – is over. It’s not as though they can say “ha ha, by law you’re required to allow me to stay in your life until such a time as I give this relationship an official designation!”
This is one of those times where the best thing to do is to just keep things like a knife: short, sharp and to the point. You aren’t required to nail a list of grievances to his door like you’re creating a schism in the Catholic Church; all you have to do is say “this relationship isn’t working for me and I don’t want to hear from you again. Goodbye, and you can pick up your stuff (if there is any) at X time in Y place.” You can explain your reasoning if you want, but it’s really not necessary. It’s not as though your reasons need to be “good enough” to merit a break up, and some people will waste your time by trying to argue the points. The important point isn’t the reasoning behind the break up, it’s that the break up has happened. Please note the past tense; you can break up with someone unilaterally, even if they object to it happening.
The best time to do this would honestly have been months ago, but the second best time to dump him is right now. You don’t need to wait until he’s drifted back into your life or wait for another moment where he up and vanishes again. Break ups require neither a casus belli nor do they necessitate an in-person discussion, especially if he comes and goes like a feral cat. It’s not like you need a process server to deliver the notification of Being Dumped. If you’re in another period where he’s out of contact, then you can text him or leave a voicemail.
Give him the news, however you need to deliver it, wrap up any loose ends (returning any of his stuff to him, getting yours back from him, etc.) and call it a day. And in the future, don’t linger in a relationship when the other person’s behavior is telling you that they don’t actually care – whether it’s “official” or not.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com