DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been dating someone for a few months now. It’s overall enjoyable, but there’s one problem. She smells bad almost every time we’re together. It doesn’t matter if we’re going out or if she’s just coming to my place, I pretty often smell her. It’s not an overwhelming smell, but it’s enough that I notice it and it’s slightly unpleasant. I’m not sure what’s causing this scent, and I haven’t told her about it. How do I tactfully let her know without hurting her?
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Bloodhound Gang
DEAR BLOODHOUND GANG: Let’s be honest: nobody likes hearing that they stink… but most people would rather know that they smell, so they can fix it, rather than going through life with people making yuck-faces behind their back when they pass. So while you’re looking for a tactful way to bring this up, you may have to be willing to be blunter than you’d prefer.
Now with that in mind, this is one of those times when I really wish you’d included more detail about the smell. I realize that this seems a bit odd, but the kind of smell would point to its potential origins, which can make a pretty significant difference.
Is it body odor, for example? Are you smelling sweat, pit-stank, or unwashed feet? Are we talking about someone who needs to be better at brushing her teeth or using a different mouthwash? Is it a chemical smell, like a form of artificial fragrance from body wash, deodorant, shampoo and conditioner? Are we talking about cigarette smoke, nicotine, or vape juice? Is it halitosis or perhaps residual scent from a particular food or beverage?
Could it be a scent from the laundry detergent or fabric softener she uses? Does she use a perfume or essential oil that you’re not crazy about? The result of an oil diffuser at her place? Are we talking about the “sweet-dirt” smell of patchouli or someone who’s burned way too much nag champa?
Or, to be completely blunt, are we talking about her vagina?
Without getting more into the actual type and origin of the smell, it’s going to be hard to say how to best address it. There are a lot of factors that can affect a person’s scent. Certain foods can cause changes in the scent of a person’s sweat, even if you can’t detect it on their breath. Alliums like garlic or onions, for example, or strongly scented oils like from spearmint or peppermint plants, are notorious for how they affect your body odor as well as your breath. Some medications can likewise cause body odor issues, while medical conditions (like dental problems or salivary issues) can affect your breath.
It’s one thing if, for example, we’re talking about laundry detergent, or a particular brand of deodorant. It’s going to be less of an issue to say “hey, are you using $BRAND on your laundry? It’s kinda strong and hard to ignore…” than it is to say “babe, you really need to invest a better deodorant”. It’s a lot easier to say “I really don’t care for the incense you’ve been burning, would you mind not using it before you come over?” than it is to say “I wish you’d wash your feet more thoroughly”. It’s a lot easier to say “those licorice pastilles are a little overpowering” than “I know that you need to take that medication for your condition but man it f--ks with your breath”.
If it’s a normal biological smell – sweat, for example – and she’s a generally clean person and in good health, the issue may well be one of compatibility. Sometimes it can be an issue like, say, how one’s feet may sweat during the summer or wearing shoes without socks, but more often than not, the problem is more primal than that.
I’ve said many times that part of how we figure out we’re attracted to someone are these little things that we can only pick up on in person, and some of those signals are biological, like taste and scent. If we don’t like how someone tastes when we kiss them or how they naturally smell, that’s often an indication of some area where you’re not compatible. It could be pheromonal, it could be some primal instinct of genetic compatibility or it could just be a matter of personal taste, but those are usually an indication that you two just aren’t going to be right for each other. Scent is one of the most powerful of our senses after all, so if someone’s natural scent isn’t working for you, then it’s going to be hard to make the relationship work.
And if it’s vaginal… well, that’s where the answer tends to be “dude, bodies have smells and scents and unless she has an actual medical issue, you’re going to have to get used to it”.
Now, without more info and without an origin point or source for the smell, the best tactful way to bring up the topic would be to say “hey, did you use switch shampoo/conditioner/deodorant/fabric softener? It’s, uh… it’s not my favorite, if I’m being honest.” If it’s her breath has a hint of sourness to it or even a certain amount of body odor, you might just pop a mint Altoid and hand her one. Otherwise, if it’s enough to put you off your game entirely, then you’ll have to be a bit more blunt.
Though, if I’m being honest? You’ve been dating for a few months now. Whatever you’re smelling is apparently not bad enough for you to call things off. If you’re the only person smelling it or other people haven’t said anything, maybe it’s just something you’ll either need to accept and get used to, or decide that its bad enough that you’re willing to end the relationship over it.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com