DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I enjoy reading your column because you write topics that are more relevant to me, compared with other columns. So I thought I’d write in with my own question and ask for advice:

I’ll start with a bit about me: I’m a 42 year old cis female, I’ve never had a serious relationship. I dated men minimally in my twenties (a couple of relationships that were maybe 2 months), but I wasn’t attracted to them in the same way they were attracted to me. Since I feel similarly toward men and women, I thought I was bisexual or gay, maybe repressed somehow, or just broken… I completely avoided the subject for over 10 years and have not had sex with anyone, kissed or so much as been on a date. I focused on my career and friends, but have always felt isolated and lonely.

About 2 years ago, I came across the asexual community and a lightbulb went on. I realized I’m asexual and biromatic, and that’s why I kept wanting intimate/romantic connections with people but not a sexual relationship. I’m still working on accepting myself, but it gave me some hope that I could find someone to connect with someone in a more authentic way. I don’t have hopes I would ever find a partner, but I’d like to try to date. The problem is when it comes to dating/attraction it seems like everyone has some set of instructions I don’t have, and at my age, has figured out what they’re looking for. I know this likely isn’t true, but since it took me so long to figure out my identity I feel like I am so far behind everyone else and I have zero self-confidence. I’m too embarrassed to talk about my dating history, I get nervous even talking with friends about their dating life. I’d say I’m pretty average looking, I have lots of hobbies and I don’t have problems making friends, but romance and dating is a complete mystery to me.

I go out and meet new people fairly regularly (so it’s not an issue of getting out there and finding interests) but I never get approached by anyone and I have no idea how to approach or flirt with someone (I have never even tried). I also don’t feel a vibe with people when I first see or talk with them, I need to get to know people over time. I’m in various ace online communities and discords, but people there overwhelmingly meet each other online (and are far younger) and I’d like to meet people in person. I don’t know if I’ll ever meet any asexual people IRL, but I’d probably be more comfortable in queer centric spaces or places more accepting of different identities. I have no idea if I need to work on myself, if I should get out there, or if I should give up and accept my life as it is. I need an outside perspective.

Thanks,

Space Ace

DEAR SPACE ACE: Finding a partner is absolutely possible, SA; you don’t need to write that off forever. You’re still new to this understanding of yourself, and you’re still having to adjust your worldview. It’s going to take some time to adjust, to settle into your skin and get comfortable with what you’ve learned about who you are. It’s far, far too soon for you to make declarations about the future when you’ve only just discovered this brave new world you’re inhabiting. You honestly have no basis for making that call just now; there’s still a lot more to learn, a lot more to discover and experience.

With that in mind: I don’t think you need to put off dating in order to work on yourself; I think you can do both at once. We’re all perpetual works in progress as it is; if we were expected to wait until we were done working on ourselves to date, none of us would. The big thing is keeping a sense of perspective and understanding that you’re at the start of your journey, not the midpoint or the end, and adjusting your expectations accordingly; the person who might be a fun weekend hangout may not be your forever person when the dust settles and you know more about who you are.

Now that having been said, let’s address the elephant in the room: it is going to be a challenge for you, in ways that it isn’t for allosexual people. Now, I can guarantee that you’ve probably met other ace people; you just had no reason to suspect that they were ace. After all, unless you (or they) have some serious boundary issues, there’s no reason why you would know how much action they want in the bedroom. But trying to find them by approaching people at bars or singles mixers or what-have-you is going to be more frustrating and demoralizing than it would be for most.

Demographically speaking, most of the people you’re likely to meet – queer or straight – who might want a relationship are going to be allosexual. This means that they are going to expect and prioritize a sexual connection as well as a romantic one. Now, over time, you might find that you’re ok with sex on occasion, or having sex entirely for your partner’s sake; asexuality is as much of a spectrum as heterosexuality and homosexuality is. That might change the math somewhat. But for now, if you’re looking for dates and connections, then you should know that you’re going to have a harder time than most.

That doesn’t mean that you can’t date or shouldn’t try; it just means that cold approaches and trying to flirt with randos is going to be the dating equivalent of looking for a specific needle in a haystack full of needles.

I bring this up, not to discourage you, but to help you start looking in the right places, waste less of your time and not burn yourself out in the process. I don’t want you to throw yourself into the Pit of Despair over and over again until you give up entirely; I want you to find that sweet somebody to cuddle up with and argue about what to watch on Netflix.

This is why I would suggest that if you’re looking for a relationship, you’re going to have a lot better success in spaces where there’ll be more people who are already open to a romantic connection where sex isn’t as much of a priority.

As much as I find dating apps to be increasingly unhelpful, they are going to be far more useful for people like you, who have specific wants or needs and are looking for folks who have already opted in. Many apps, like OKCupid, have search filters for asexual, demisexual, gray-ace and so on. Even apps like Feel’d have people who’re openly demi or ace; a lot of bondage play doesn’t involve actual intercourse, after all. And there are apps specifically for asexual people; they’re incredibly niche and the pool of potentials is small, but they are out there.

But what I would suggest is that you spend more time in queer spaces, especially queer spaces where ace, demi and other non-allo folks hang out. I’d suggest that, while you’re learning about yourself and getting comfortable, you go spend time in those spaces, not to look for dates, but to look for community. Finding people who get you, who understand the journey you’re on and how confusing it can be is going to be invaluable to you – not just romantically but for your learning about yourself and becoming more comfortable in your own skin.

As you get more acclimated to your new understanding, you may find that those spaces don’t quite fit. That’s ok; sometimes a place is right for you for a little while and then you outgrow it. But it’ll show you that people like you do exist, that community is possible and that, in turn, increases the likelihood of your meeting someone who’s looking for someone just like you. Maybe you’ll find your Prince or Princess or Prinx Charming in the process. Or maybe you’ll see that there’s a need that isn’t being met in your area and create your own spaces for ace and demi and other folks like you, who are looking for community and like-minded individuals. And who knows? Maybe that is what will ultimately bring you in contact with the love of your life.

This is why I say “don’t write off your future just yet”. You have no idea what it holds. If you can grasp the idea that small changes in the past might change the present, then you should also be able to grasp that small changes now will change your future. So go out there and look for your people – both online and in person. Some will be lovers, some will be friends, some will be both and some may just be people you know to nod at at parties. The future isn’t written yet, so go ahead and make it a good one.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a guy in my mid-20s, and every so often I’ll get told something that boils down to, I come off as effeminate. Someone once told me (he thought he was being helpful…) to “dress more like a man.” I’ve been told certain photos of me make me look “soft” or “feminine.” Occasionally someone will assume I’m queer. I’d say most of the time it’s not malicious, but it does feel like a recurring theme. For one thing, I don’t entirely understand why I get these comments: I think my dress tends to be fairly neutral/masculine, with the occasional bright colors (big tie-dye guy) or floral pattern. I like wearing rings and a necklace or two, but not makeup or piercings. I know some things I can’t control – I have a higher-pitched voice than the average man, and maybe being on the short side doesn’t help. Maybe I have certain “feminine” mannerisms, I don’t know. If I’m out and about, I’ll carry my things in a small tote bag for convenience. At least a majority of my friends happen to be women, and I work in a female-dominated industry. Some of my interests include activities that attract more women than men, like yoga, reading, and environmental issues (why these things are considered feminine-coded, I don’t know, but that’s a whole other chat). My music taste includes artists who don’t have a big cishet-male fanbase. Not sure how relevant all this is, just trying to paint as much of a picture as I can.

Now, I don’t care about presenting as stereotypically masculine, nor do I think men have to, nor do I care what people think of how I carry myself… but I do care to the extent that women might discount me as a possible romantic interest based on a first impression. I will say, it isn’t friends who say anything like this to me – sometimes it’s a friend of a friend, or someone at a party, or every now and then just a stranger. I’d say it’s also more often than not a guy saying it when I get a comment along these lines, so grain of salt, I guess. But it does make me wonder, and feel a little anxious, about what women might think about me based on one meeting or conversation at a party or a group event. Or at a speed dating event or on an app, where first impressions are everything. Or on a first date, where someone might think after an hour, he seems nice, but I don’t see it. To be clear, I’m not talking about trying to present in that obnoxious, dudebro, Andrew Tate, hypermasculine sort of way (I DEFINITELY don’t want to), or to imply that that’s what women are looking for (I know it’s not). I guess I’m more talking about giving off an impression that someone wouldn’t inherently think is “bad” or “wrong” but also doesn’t square with their mental image of a date or a partner. Again, what I’m trying to say isn’t “I don’t want to come off as effeminate” – more just, “I don’t want to be written off,” I suppose.

I don’t know, am I just being insecure? Are things like the apps or dating events maybe not the right approach for me? Are there any sort of “you don’t have to change your whole personality, but maybe try this” tips that might help me?

Thank you so much,

Not James Dean

DEAR NOT JAMES DEAN: Welcome to the wild world of gender, where the rules are made up and the points don’t mean anything.

No, seriously; gender is a construct, and what’s considered to be “masculine” and “feminine” change on an almost weekly basis. Today’s “manly” look is tomorrow’s “hyper-femme” and vice-versa. Damn near everything we consider to be masculine or feminine coded has flipped at one point or another.

High heels, short-shorts, leggings or stockings? Those were masculine styles of dress – the better to show off the ‘well turned calves’ of certain members of French and British royalty. Powder, wigs, lipstick, rouge? All the rage for the stylish man in Louis XIV’s court who were following the lead of their king. Blue for boys and pink for girls? Used to be the exact opposite; pink was considered the more “manly” color because it was ‘dusky red’ and was too “exciting” for girls, while blue was the color of skies and was more serene and calming. This flipped in the 1940s, because clothing manufacturers decided it was the case.

Bright colors, floral prints, extravagant brocades and embroidering were, likewise, primarily male looks. It took Beau Brummell deciding to flaunt fashion and choose long pants, solid colors and an undecorated frock coat – and the association of French fashion with the guillotine – to change what the fashion-forward man-about-town would wear.  

Purses, totes, carry-alls, slings… these have all been male-coded, female-coded and unisex at one point or another. Hell, even things like “coding” and “computer programming” were considered secretarial work and the province of women… right up until men decided it was important and thus “male”.

Even general concepts like “environmentalism” and “reading” have flipped around from being considered “male” and “female” pursuits, which really should tell you just how much of gender is just a bunch of folks throwing darts at a wall and shaking a Magic 8-Ball.

What does this mean for you? Well, mostly it means you’re getting lost in your own head in it all. I’m entirely unsurprised that the people who are commenting on your supposedly “femme-y” presentation are men; one of the most important, unwritten rules of “masculinity” is that men are supposed to police the masculinity of others. It’s part of how we establish our place in the pecking order – you find someone who’s not conforming and force them into compliance. Sometimes it’s via social pressure, sometimes through outright threats and violence… hell, there have been laws in our lifetimes where wearing the “wrong” clothes could get you thrown in jail and cops were authorized to “correct” you based on little more than vibes. After all, if people don’t conform to these rigid and arbitrary rules of gender presentation, then the whole edifice might come tumbling down and then where would we be?

I mean, s--t, look at how much people lose their goddamn minds whenever Billy Porter or Harry Stiles or anyone else wears a dress. You’d think that they’d threatened to pour Joker venom into the city aquifer from the way people get all up in their feelings about it.

My general feeling is that honestly, unless your skin tone and hair  doesn’t work with the colors you’re rocking (shoutout to us gingers who can’t wear pink because it looks AWFUL on us), I couldn’t give a six-legged rat’s ass. You like wearing loose, blousy shirts? Awesome, it’s gonna be a lot more comfortable as the climate goes to s--t. Learn how clothes are supposed to fit, make sure everything’s clean, get the colors that look good on you and rock the f--k on. Life is too goddamn short to give that much of a s--t about what other people are wearing, no matter what the latest discourse says.

(Seriously, why the f--k does anyone get upset that Gen-Z thinks ankle socks are stupid? Nazis are on the march again and we’re supposed to argue about calf-length vs. no-shows? Christ on a goddamn cracker people, get some perspective.)

But what about what women think? Well… what about it? Here’s the thing that I think you’re missing: if a woman is going to think that your style is just too girly or not “manly” enough for her, then that’s just someone who isn’t right for you. I don’t mean that as an insult to them, just that if you don’t conform to their idea of a date or mate, then that’s not inherently a bad thing. If anything, it saves you both a lot of time. I promise, clothing is the start; there will be other areas where you just mesh correctly.

And you know, that’s fine. People are allowed to have preferences. Some people like more conventional gender presentations, others love it when people throw convention to the wind. Some people want Metallica, some people want Prince and some want David Bowie. Some people want Donna Reed and others want Grace Jones or the flannel-clad, axe-toting lumberjack of their dreams.

And trust me: there’re women out there who adore soft-boys and femme-y guys. There’re a whole host of affectionate terms for men who aren’t conventionally masculine; just check AO3. 

Here’s what I think is important: do you look good? Do you feel good when rocking your style? Does it make you feel like a sexy badass? Are you happy with your habits, hobbies and musical tastes? Well there you go; I don’t see any real reason to change. Because here’s the thing: we wear our identities on our sleeves – quite literally, in many cases. How we present ourselves is an outward expression of who we are. It’s an easy shorthand for who we are as people, and while some folks may write us off, it also makes it easier for the right people to find us. So rather than worrying about how many women will think you’re not what she’s looking for, consider that what you want is someone who looks at you and says “oooh, hello salty goodness.”

Will you turn off more people than you turn on? Possibly, but that’s not a bad thing. Quantity doesn’t have a quality all of its own. If anything, you end up wasting a lot of time on people who just aren’t right for you. There’s a reason why I quote that old saw about not being everyone’s cup of tea, but aiming to be a few people’s shot of whiskey. You don’t want a lot of people who only kinda like you, you want a few people who crave what you have to offer. If your style, your manner and your interests are all authentic to who you are, then you want people who are going to vibe with that.

Sure, there’re some things you could do differently. You’re almost certainly using your “head” voice rather than your “chest” voice, with your voice resonating more through your nasal passages than your chest. This tends to make your voice a bit higher and more nasal; speaking more with your chest voice tends to be deeper and sounds more assertive and confident. It also tends to be more comfortable and causes less vocal strain, because your vocal chords are being supported by your diaphragm and chest muscles instead of your throat.

You might also pay more attention to the way you move; short, quick movements tend to read less confident or assured than slower, more graceful ones. A little attention there might cut down on the number of comments you get and make you feel a bit more confident and masculine.

But overall? I think you’re thinking too much about the people who are a poor match for you and not enough about the ones who are good matches. Instead of worrying about the people who don’t vibe with your style and personality, look for the ones who dig it. You’ll be much happier overall.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading this site for years. Not sure if you’ve had anything that would answer this directly, so I decided to ask.

So, here’s the situation. I (33), was at a function with friends, and family, where I met this woman, who was 20 years old. I thought she was very attractive, and she seemed pretty cool. However, although I don’t see anything wrong with dating someone much younger, I couldn’t see myself with someone much younger than. This person was no exception.

Problem is that wasn’t enough to stop me from being attracted, and drawn to her. Speaking to her, I thought she was cool, but I didn’t feel like we were really compatible, partly because of age. Funny enough, I told her that I thought she was attractive, etc., but the age was a no go. Now, in my head, I thought I’d get over it, because I don’t see anything going anywhere, but yet, as the night kept going, I realized that I like her, anyways.

At the end of the night, I decided to ask her out, and then when talking about it, we ultimately decided that it wasn’t the best idea. I felt like it was the right decision, but I’m kind of doubting myself.

I guess my question is if you don’t see a strong future with someone (them becoming your girlfriend, etc.), but you think it can be a fun short term thing, is it ok to go for it? I spent a lot of my 20s going on dates with people I didn’t see a future with, with the hopes of having short term fun. After finding 2 women that I really, really liked, I wonder if it’s better to just date women I can see a future with. Issue with that is, those have been incredibly rare. Hope all of this made sense.

Indecision May Or May Not Be My Problem

DEAR INDECISION MAY OR MAY NOT BE MY PROBLEM: I’m going to confess to being curious: did the idea that she was too young for you actually come up in conversation with her – as in, you and she were talking about finding each other desirable, or did you just drop that in the middle of talking with her like a weird neg out of nowhere?

I ask because… well, honestly, the way you wrote this sounds like you tossed that in out of the clear blue sky, rather than the two of you were flirting but you were trying to hold things at arm’s length. And if it’s the former rather than the latter, then you’re really getting ahead of yourself and that’s going to cause issues later on.

I also want to point out that being attracted to someone has nothing to do with whether anything could come of it or the relationship could go anywhere. Just because someone would make a lousy girlfriend or boyfriend for you doesn’t mean that you also don’t want to f--k them stupid. You can be attracted to people who are wrong for you. Hell, you can find yourself dying to bang someone you actively loathe. To paraphrase the sage: attraction isn’t brains, it’s blood, screaming at you to work its will.  

But let me actually address the question you were asking: no, not every person you date needs to be a potential Forever Person for you. You’re allowed to date people for funsies, just as you’re allowed to date people when you know that a long-term relationship isn’t in the cards. Longevity isn’t a mark of quality in relationships, it’s just a mark of how long the relationship has lasted. There’s nothing inherently wrong or bad about dating casually, nor is there anything wrong with a relationship that doesn’t end with one or both of you dying in the saddle. Not every love story is meant to be War and Peace. Sometimes it’s a novella, sometimes it’s a short story, and sometimes it’s just a dirty limerick. And that’s fine. None of these are inherently better than the others.

Dating is better when it’s someone you genuinely like and are compatible with. That doesn’t mean that the compatibility needs to be the “forever” kind, where they have traits that would make the relationship last for years. It just means that they’re right for you in these particular ways, ways that align with what you’re looking for. If all you’re looking for is something short-term and fun, then you want people who are compatible with you in the ways that would facilitate that kind of relationship.

Think of it this way: if you’re looking for something fun but short term, perhaps you would want to date someone who’s less structured and more spontaneous, who has fewer responsibilities and more interest in the immediate future but not as many long-term plans. In other words: someone who’s more aligned with what you’re looking for in that particular moment and whose general lifestyle and personality lean that way.

Just as importantly though: just because a relationship starts off as casual or just for fun doesn’t mean that it has to stay that way. I’ve known many, many people whose long term relationships started off as just a casual connection or – in some cases – what was supposed to be a one-night stand or crazy hook-up. The one night stand just… didn’t end at one night. They decided to keep seeing each other, casually, of course, and before they knew it, years had passed and they’d moved in together and were seriously talking about marriage and kids.

So if you think someone might be a fun time and they, likewise, think you’d be a laugh and a half, you’re both certainly welcome to give things a go. Sometimes that’s all a relationship needs to be: a momentary thing that starts in spring and fades by fall. The future doesn’t need to be forever. It just needs to be long enough to be worth it.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com