DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an older guy, married for 23 years and divorced for ten, with a dating frustration. The issue is, I’m a big picture guy and I go for it, across a number of domains but mainly to do with existing sustainably on the only known habitable planet. There is this dramatic element and then a lot of energy expended – founding and leading companies, NGOs, university lecturing, writing an award winning novel, dedicating myself to my spiritual community, public speaking, etc… In my mind someone somewhere must find this hero’s journey (at least in my own mind) at least somewhat romantically interesting. It hasn’t worked out that way.
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To be honest though, my level of interest in women that don’t at least get somewhat similarly motivated are not that interesting to me either. In fact, they are very rare, almost always in another relationship, or more generally at least 10 years older. The few times I have met somebody who was like – wow! – it wasn’t reciprocated. I don’t really want to go to this numb space where many people seem to be, but I also have a passionately romantic side that I don’t want to neglect. Any ideas on how to reconcile this?
Overachievers Anonymous
DEAR OVERACHIEVERS ANONYMOUS: I’ll be honest, OA, it took me a moment to try to figure out if the issue were women who didn’t have a passionate interest in you when you were interested in them, or if it were an issue of not meeting similarly motivated and accomplished women who were also interested in you.
Now, what I’m gathering is that you want to meet someone who matches your energy and intensity with the things that you’re passionate about, which is entirely reasonable. Things can feel unbalanced when you have a strong passion and drive and the other person isn’t as equally driven or ambitious or what-not as you.
But I wonder if part of the problem is in the differences in the way that passion and drive and ambition manifest for you and how it might manifest for others.
One of the things that I see folks run into is a tendency to assume that Their Way of Doing Things is The Way – that is, that they expect that because their passion for X is expressed by doing Y, someone who’s passionate about Z would be expressing it the same way. And in your case, that plays out by being very driven and outgoing, with multiple irons in the fire at all times, many different projects and goals and organizations.
Which, don’t get me wrong, is entirely fine. But it’s also very, for lack of a better term, socially coded as a masculine endeavor. That is: the hustle/grindset/always-be-closing energy is something that’s lionized in men… but frequently punished in women. Even in the far flung, post-Lean-In future of 2024, women who are too ambitious, too driven or too active are told that They Are Doing It Wrong and are passively and actively encouraged to dial it all back and maybe not take on sooooo much because it’s just not feminine and really they have other responsibilities that they’re supposed to be handling too. It’s a message that’s so ubiquitous in our culture that it’s easy to miss how many movies, TV shows, etc. have promoted the idea, subtly and less so, that Girl Boss types are annoying or undesirable or fundamentally unfulfilled.
(Granted, the whole ‘tradwife’ fetish – and it is a fetish, let’s be real – is entirely cool with that sort of energy… but only as long as it’s entirely devoted to female-coded activities like child-rearing, housekeeping and food prep. And only as long as everyone pointedly ignores that those women are actually running a media business, not being Suzie Frontier Homemaker)
This doesn’t mean that there aren’t women who say “f--k all that” and go ahead and pursue their ambitions in a similar manner as you do… but they tend to be thin on the ground and a lot of them tend to either be older (and thus have fewer f--ks to give) or are already partnered. It’ll be easier to find folks who have similar energy, goals and drive when you’re looking in spaces similar to yours, especially if you look for people in management or facilitation – the folks who actually make s--t happen. However, as I said: the odds of finding someone like that who is also age-appropriate and single is going to be a challenge.
However, this also doesn’t mean that women who aren’t as prolific aren’t equally driven or ambitious; it’s just that their ambition and drive doesn’t manifest the same way. I know, for example, a lot of women who are very ambitious, very prolific writers, who are just as driven and just as focused as you… but their drive and ambition is expressed differently; they’re frequently working a day job with its own responsibilities and then doing a functional third job as their own PR and marketing person on top of writing.
The same is often true of online content creators, where they seem to be doing only one thing, but who have to wear multiple hats – editor, researcher, writer, producer, customer service and community manager, etc. While a few have the finances to actually have staff, many are one-woman shows where they’re wearing many, many hats.
And all of this is frequently on top of having to, y’know, deal with the mundanities of life, from going to appointments, doing the grocery shopping, housekeeping, cooking and so on. Especially since most folks aren’t going to be able to outsource those responsibilities.
So it may be that there are more women who might meet your standards, but whose pursuit of their goals and ambitions don’t necessarily look like yours. It may help to broaden your perspective in terms of what sorts of ambition and drive you’re looking for. That might expand your particular dating pool somewhat.
Now another thing you may need to consider is… well, that list you just rattled off at the top of your letter. That’s… a lot. And don’t get me wrong, that is impressive and you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished and what you’re doing. However, it kind of sounds like you’re unsure why all these accomplishments aren’t bringing women to your door, and that honestly makes me think a little of The Last Unicorn, when Prince Lîr wondering why the Lady Amalthea isn’t impressed by all the great deeds he’s accomplished, the quests he’s completed, the unanswerable riddles he’s answered, curses he’s broken and dragons he’s killed. And the answer really came down to “Not everyone is going to be won over just because you did great deeds”. Not everyone wants to be a Power Couple after all.
Accomplishments are great, ambition is great… but you have to be able to connect with people on an emotional level if you want them to like you. It’s like I always say: nobody’s dating your resumé or your bank account. They’re dating you. If you aren’t actually reaching them emotionally, that relationship isn’t going to happen because while your accomplishments are great, they don’t give the same happy warm feeling of cuddling up under a blanket on the couch with your sweetie and watching your favorite movie together.
So while your very clearly a capable and accomplished person, it may well come down to the fact that those accomplishments – while something you should be proud of – simply aren’t going to carry the same weight or importance of knowing how to make someone feel good when they’re with you. And to be perfectly blunt: depending on if and how you’re sharing that you’ve done these things, it may be the focus on those accomplishments that is turning people off. It’s worth remembering that “great” can alsobe spelled G-R-A-T-E.
And then there’s the time and energy issue. I think even someone who is equally ambitious and as driven as you is going to look at that list and say “I don’t know if that’s someone who actually has time to date”. Even if a lot of that is in the past, rather than what you’re currently doing, that’s all stuff that takes up a lot of time and bandwidth, and there’re quite a few women who are going to wonder – not unreasonably – if you’re going to have the time or energy to give to a serious and committed relationship. And that’s before we get to whether they have the time or energy to give to a new relationship – especially if they are equally as accomplished and productive as you are.
Everything in life comes with a cost and that cost is time. There are only 24 hours in the day, and everything you add to your life comes at the expense of something you’re already doing. So if you want to date and maintain a serious, committed and long-term relationship? You may have to either be very, very good at time management or be willing to let some things go in exchange for making room for others.
One thing I think that might help would be to talk to some female friends whose judgement you trust and get a vibe check from them. Ask them how you’re coming across, what kind of vibe you’re giving and whether you’re presenting yourself as a potential relationship partner or as though you’re looking for someone to network. Having an outside perspective, especially from women who know you, can be invaluable; it may well be that part of the problem is that you’re not sending the message that you’re looking for a relationship and to settle down.
It may also be worth asking if the passion and drive you’re looking for needs to look like yours or if you’re able to recognize it, value it and appreciate it if it’s expressed in different ways and in ways that aren’t necessarily as global or dramatic or grandiose as yours. Sometimes it really is a question of what is going to be a priority and what you’re willing to bend on. If you are going to need someone who’s drive matches yours and is expressed the same way, then you have to accept that this is going to reduce the pool of potential matches until it’s very, very small and you’ll have to be willing to accept being single for longer than you’d prefer as the price of entry.
It’s up to you in the end. Take some time, get that vibe check and do some self-exploring and see what is going to be most important for you.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com