DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Something that has been bothering me is the pressure to be that interesting, fun, funny, good looking etc. etc. etc. guy that women go absolutely nuts over. I’m not talking about the incel’s god “chad” but basically what you’ve laid out in previous material (becoming more charming, better clothes etc.)

At the same time though, I’m pretty happy with who I am now and while I’ve made a lot of improvements already (career, martial arts, skydiving, weight loss etc.) I still feel this pressure to be that mythical “perfect dude.” I feel that I can still do just fine as the imperfect but still pretty cool version of myself I am, but it’s at odds with the image I’ve built up in my head.

That and spending all of my time trying to become this person, and always being funny, charming, adventurous etc. sounds REALLY exhausting.

Less Perfect Tommy

DEAR LESS THAN PERFECT TOMMY: This is one of those times when there are multiple issues all coming together here that are combining into a major misunderstanding – like watching three or four different people coming to the same wrong conclusion from entirely different angles.

The first should be self-evident: you don’t need to be “perfect” to date. In fact, one of the more common complaints I’ve seen are people who feel like they are perfect – or damn near – grumbling that they’re struggling trying to find a date while a dude who looks like a Waffle House fry cook with a side hustle in meth gets more strange ass than a dude at a mutant donkey auction.

This sort of pressure is almost entirely self-imposed and almost always comes from other men who want to pontificate endlessly on what women “really” want – usually punctuated with appeals to “look at how much attention $FLAVOR_OF_THE_MONTH gets on Instagram” or talking about the long-misunderstood 80/20 garbage, especially around dating apps.

(This is a classic case of “figures don’t lie, but liars don’t figure”, where folks miss that the reality is that most users on dating apps are male – 75-80% depending on the app – and many  of the women – 20-25% –on the site aren’t active.)

A lot of it is also pure assumption; folks assume that when someone stops talking to them on an app or doesn’t match with them or a first date doesn’t lead to a second, it must be because they’re “not good enough” and that they need to reach some mythical peak of attractiveness in order to date.

The truth is that, despite what folks will insist, it’s not that women are too picky or selective or that there’s some weird evo-psych thing going on. The truth is that the attraction or interest just wasn’t there, and that can be for any number of reasons. Sometimes it’s a skill issue, where one person or the other simply isn’t that good at conveying interest or connecting with the other person. Sometimes it’s that there’s a compatibility mismatch, where one person either lacks a necessary quality or has one that the other considers to be a deal breaker. And sometimes it’s just as simple and banal as “there’s nothing wrong with the other person, I’m just not feeling it.”

None of these are due to a flaw or a lack of perfection in the person who was rejected. It’s just that sometimes someone’s not going to be into you, no matter what and that’s fine. You don’t like every woman you meet either and some folks are just not going to do it for you, even when there’s nothing wrong with them. In fact, I rather suspect that if you were to look at the people you’re attracted to, you’d realize that you aren’t expecting them to be perfect or your 100% ideal partner. So it is a good time to ask yourself why you feel like you have to be exceptional in order to date, but the people you date get afforded a measure of grace that you won’t give yourself.

If you can see yourself dating someone who isn’t an opera-singing super model who also does archeology in her spare time while pursuing her PhD in quantum mechanics, why would you assume that women will only date the real-life equivalent of Doc Savage?

The second issue is mistaking those qualities for what makes someone attractive. Here’s what folks miss about attraction: it’s about feelings, not accomplishments. As I said just this week: the vast majority of women aren’t going to be won over by great deeds or by your resume. A lot of stuff that guys will rattle off as what should make them more desirable can be interesting, it can offer opportunity or security… but that doesn’t mean that it makes the person attractive. Not if the person who does those things isn’t able to connect with other people.

The most obvious counterargument to all the usual “women only want the top 10% of men” is the cliché of the dirtbag musician boyfriend – the guy who’s out of work or works dead end jobs, who refuses responsibility because of their “obligations” to their band/music/artistic vision and who seems mostly to sponge off anyone who gets into a relationship with them. Despite practically being a cartoon character of a stereotype, this kind of guy is a cliché for a reason: damn near every woman who dates men has either encountered him or knows someone who has. And the reason why this kind of guy does so well isn’t because he’s Dude Perfect, it’s because he knows how to play on women’s feelings. He’s very good at connecting with people, inspiring particular emotions and feelings and wielding those emotions like a weapon.

That’s what “game” is. That’s what “rizz” is. It’s understanding how to inspire particular emotions, build connection and parlay those feelings into a relationship. That’s really it. Perfection isn’t required. Connection is.

But part of why people struggle with this is because they tend to feel like they’re not enough. They don’t believe in their own worth or value. They don’t believe that women could possibly enjoy their presence or find them interesting on their own merits and so they feel like they need to collect these other qualities like they’re Infinity Stones and assemble the Infinity Gauntlet before they can date. But women aren’t looking for perfection, any more than men are. They’re looking for someone who they enjoy spending time with, who makes them feel good and who gets them.

It’s one thing to pursue various hobbies or ambitions because they’re things you truly enjoy. It’s another to do so because you think they’re prerequisites for being An Attractive Person – the dating meta, if you will – and that you have to align with that specific build in order to unlock the Relationship tree.

The third issue is also simple: you don’t need to be living a life of constant action, adventure, hustle and grind etc. Some of what you’re getting wrong here is the difference between action and essence: being charming vs. having to act charming, having a sense of humor vs. Being Funny and so on.

Now part of the conflict I think you’re running into here is simply the difference between skill states – the effort it takes to make something go from being something you have to do consciously to something that becomes a habit. It can take effort, for example, to force yourself to practice piano every day or perform your katas until you know every move by heart. But once it goes from conscious effort to habit, it becomes something you just do. You get up at 7 AM to get to the gym at 8 AM because it’s become what you do. You strike up conversations with strangers because it’s become your habit to just make small talk when you’re out and about whereas before you had to force yourself to so much as ask someone for the time.

But another part is that you need to recognize that always being “on” not only isn’t necessary, but it can be actively detrimental. Yeah, I know, how could always being charming be a bad thing? Well, among other things, when it gets in the way of the times when you need to be sincere or serious or deal with situations where oozing charm wouldn’t necessarily be appropriate. There are times when what people want isn’t Charming Less Perfect Tommy, it’s Sincere Less Perfect Tommy or Vulnerable Less Perfect Tommy or Compassionate Less Perfect Tommy. It’s a matter of understanding when charm is needed and useful and when what you need is a different quality entirely.

Just as importantly though is that there is always a point not just of diminishing returns but when being always on becomes harmful to your goals – in this case, to connect with someone and build a relationship with them.

For example: Robin Williams was hilarious, both professionally and as a person, but there was Robin Williams the person and Robin Williams the performance. What we see on stage – when he’s doing stand-up, when he’s acting or otherwise being “on” – may be hilarious to watch… but only for an hour or so at a time. Living with someone who is always “on” like that would be exhausting… both for the audience and the performer.

It would also reduce the actual efficacy of his humor. Humans are incredibly adaptable and almost any state can become just the status-quo if it goes on for long enough. If you’re afraid for long enough, the fear eventually just becomes background noise, something that you no longer notice to the same degree, and it doesn’t affect you quite the same way. You become numb to it; there’s nothing you can do about it so past a certain point you just accept it and move on to living with it. The same applies to humor, to charm, to sexiness… any sort of heightened state of arousal or being. Do it for long enough, consistently enough, with no breaks and it just becomes the norm, less noticeable and far less special or effective.

This is true in fiction, in music, in media and in people. This is why even in performance, there’s an ebb and flow, a crescendo followed by a diminuendo, where a moment of excitement is followed by a moment of calm to allow the audience to breathe, recover and come down off the previous high point. If everything is high energy with no release or no break, then it goes from arousal to exhaustion to numbness. The moments of peace and calm give opportunities for recouperation but also serve to highlight those moments of high arousal and energy, to make them more significant by the contrast. It’s the buildup of tension followed by the release, followed by the recovery. The laugh after a scary scene in a movie, followed by another scare that’s all the more frightening because of that moment of calm and release of tension. Or a laugh that hits harder because it comes seemingly out of nowhere during a dramatic or serious moment. Or someone suddenly contrasting their previous staid or even dowdy persona by turning on the charm and sex appeal. The times when the energy is low make the difference that much more noticeable and much more significant.

Now having talked about what leads to that misunderstanding, let’s take a moment to look at why this misunderstanding is a problem – why the feeling that you need to be “perfect” actually works against your goals. Trying to be perfect will sabotage your progress and any relationship that you will have because of it, simply because you will never actually feel secure and confident in that relationship.

Think about it. Being “perfect” by its very nature is impossible. But if “perfection” is the benchmark that you need to reach, then there’s no point where you are ever going to feel that you’re there – certainly not consistently. You may have times where you feel like you’ve absolutely nailed it – where you’ve done things “perfectly” – and that’s lead to that date or series of dates. But nobody can keep that level of “perfection” up forever. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone falls short of heaven, it’s part of the human experience. And because you feel that your value isn’t inherent but because of being able to perform perfection, then you can never feel like your connection with your partner is actually solid and secure. You will always living with the Sword of Damocles over your head, convinced that at some point you’ll either mess up or she’ll realize you’re not this impossible ideal and then it will all come crashing down.

This is why having that sense of your own value and worth is important. If you’re not secure in yourself and believe that you are enough – even if you aren’t perfect – you never feel like you can let your guard down and relax. Your value isn’t inherent, it’s in your performance and if your performance falters even a little then it’s all over.

And the seeking of perfection, of being The Best of the Best is ultimately about trying to allay that insecurity. It’s trying to drown out the fear of not being enough by piling it under accomplishments and metaphorical trophies. But none of it will ever be enough. As with external vs. internal validation, your chief sense of worth really needs to come from within, not from without.

And it’s not even necessary. Like you said: you like who you are now and what you’ve accomplished. That’s far more important and forms a much stronger foundation for a relationship. So take that feeling and let it be what motivates you. “I’m pretty damn cool; the right people will get that and the rest aren’t important” is a lot more attractive than “If I’m not at Peak Performance at all times, I’m worthless.”

So remind yourself that the need for perfection is unnecessary and unimportant. You’re pretty darn happy as you are and that’s more than enough.  

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Is there some amount of time where people should be forgiven for past indiscretions? Especially if those acts lead to something good? 

About three years ago, I (F/31) cheated on my boyfriend (Alan, M/31) with a former co-worker of mine. The Covid lockdown put a lot of strain on our relationship and my boyfriend had a very hard time being isolated from his friends and family. He pulled back from me and became very withdrawn and unaffectionate and nothing I did seemed to be able to draw him back out. I was having regular zoom meetings for work that would turn into post-work hangouts and improvised happy hours and over the course of the year, a co-worker (Barry M/33) and I started to be a little flirty. I know a lot of this was because I was feeling neglected and I missed that sense of being desired and wanted, but I felt alone even when I was with my boyfriend and here was someone who was making me feel like a whole person again. 

Eventually the lockdown ended and Barry left the company to start his own business and at a so long/farewell after work party at a bar, Alan and I had a few too many drinks and we had sex. We both swore that this was a mistake, it was a one time thing and we were never going to ever do any of this again, but two weeks later we were flirting again and before we knew it, we realized that we were actually in love and this went from being a fling to an affair.

For a while I thought I could hide my affair until I could end things with Alan but he found out when he walked in on us flirting and getting sexy over Zoom and dumped me on the spot. News of my cheating spread through our entire social circle and everyone sided with Alan over me. 

That was three years ago and I’ve been with my lover ever since. I know I made mistakes and I don’t pretend that what I did was right. But it’s been three years and my friends still won’t talk to me or acknowledge my new relationship with Barry. They’re still upset at me for breaking Alan’s heart and don’t want to accept that what Barry and I have is real. 

Dr., I know what I did was bad, but doesn’t the fact that Barry and I are still together and that we’re happy mean anything? It’s not like Alan was blameless in this and it’s not as though I did this because I was bored or didn’t care. Barry and I love each other, we’ve moved in together, we’ve got a dog and we’re talking about marriage. I feel like this should make a difference, but nobody seems to be willing to hear me out about this and it just doesn’t seem fair to me. 

What do I do? Is there any way to change my friends’ minds or am I just the cheating bitch for the rest of time? 

I’m The Bad Guy

DEAR I’M THE BAD GUY I think this can be summed up best as “Oh look, it’s the consequences of my own actions”, ITBG.

Now, I will freely acknowledge that I’m on the record as saying that I don’t think cheating is the worst thing that you can do in a relationship, nor do I think it’s an automatic relationship extinction event, and I do think that there are times when cheating can be the least-bad option in some circumstances.

But that’s not the same thing as saying that cheating is something that can be easily overlooked or that you shouldn’t face the consequences. Something may not be the worst thing that you could do, but that’s not the same as being a good thing. And while the circumstances can make a difference – there’s a difference between “oops, I got drunk with a co-worker and we failed our wisdom save” and “fidelity is something that happens to other people” – those circumstances aren’t a “get-out-of-jail-free” card. They’re the difference between “we have some things to work out and trust to rebuild” and “get the hell out of my house before I throw you out and if you’re very lucky I might actually open the door before I do.”

Part of the problem here is that you don’t seem to actually own what you’ve done, nor are you actually expressing remorse. You can say “I did bad, I know,” all you want, but that’s not a magic spell that will inspire forgiveness from everyone around you. Saying “yeah, I f--ked up” or “I know I’m the bad guy here” isn’t an apology, it’s just a statement of facts. Yes, you f--ked up. Yes, you broke your ex-boyfriend’s heart and yes, you’re the bad guy here. Those are all true things. That’s not the same thing as an apology. Acknowledging that they’re true doesn’t make it better. You’re just agreeing on the facts of the matter.

And the fact of the matter is that you cheated on your boyfriend with a co-worker, that relationship continued until you got caught and it lead to your ex dumping you because of it.

The fact that you’re in love isn’t going to change the math in terms of how people feel about it. Not the way you’re going about things now. Yeah, it’s a little less s—tty than if you were doing it because you were bored or because you were being spiteful and wanted to hurt your ex. And perhaps this was, in some ways, you slamming your hand down on the eject button of this relationship. But that doesn’t change how your actions affected other people, and the way you apparently didn’t bother trying to stick the dismount after.

I don’t think cheating is the unforgivable sin, nor do I think that being a cheater makes you an inherently awful person. I don’t think we are defined by our worst days, and I think people are complex and good people can do bad or dumb things. I think people in love can make poor choices because sometimes love makes us stupid. I don’t think love means you have to be forgiven, but I think it can make things understandable… but that also requires a willingness to face the music for making those poor choices.

More than just acknowledging that you were the “bad guy” here – a vague and nebulous term – you need to acknowledge that your choices hurt people and that they have a right to be hurt by it. I think that your friends have every right to be angry at you for hurting their friend, love or not, and to be further upset that you seem to not understand that their anger is justified. You’ve done nothing to change that, and coming to this with an attitude of “man, why are you bringing up old s—t?” isn’t helping your case.

If you’re hoping for forgiveness… well first of all it doesn’t sound like you’re asking for it, you’re just expecting people to forgive you because Twu Luv. Second of all, you need to actually earn it, and you haven’t gotten as far as offering an apology. So far, what I’m hearing is “well, I did it for love, doesn’t that mean anything?” as though your boyfriend is James Marsden in… pretty much any movie, and is going to say “oh, you’re in love, that makes it ok, I don’t mind losing you to another guy because you’re in love and who am I to stand in the way of that?”

Part of apologizing and seeking forgiveness or redemption means doing your best to make things right… but it also means accepting that some people aren’t going to forgive you, nor are they required to. Some hurts go too deep or are left for too long, and people aren’t obligated to forgive you just because it would make you feel better. You have to be willing to live with the consequences of your actions, as much as it sucks and as unfair as it may feel to you.

You hurt your ex. You hurt your friends. You were not acting with integrity. I think if you’d handled things differently, sooner, you would be in a different place. Not necessarily the place you would like to be, where your relationships were no different than before, but at least you might still have relationships with your friends. You would’ve had the chance to build things back and move forward. But thus far, you haven’t taken the steps to do so, and I can’t help but feel like you’ve left it for too long.

If you’re going to try to change things, then I think the first person you need to apologize to is your ex. You will probably have to eat a ration of s—t when you do, and if you want forgiveness, then you’re going to have to eat it like it’s steak because you f--ked up. But he may – and I stress may – forgive you. Then you can talk to your friends and apologize to them. Please note, though, that your ex’s theoretical forgiveness likewise doesn’t obligate them to forgive. They can still think that what you did was too far. But at the very least, you can know that you’ve apologized, shown remorse and done your best to make things right. Hopefully that will bring a measure of peace.

Like I said: you f--ked up, badly. You made bad decisions. Bad decisions made in the name of something good doesn’t make them less bad. You may have to accept that the start of this relationship meant a break from your old life and there’s no going back. That sucks, but that’s how it is and that may be the price you pay for what you’ve done.

Seeking redemption isn’t about getting people to love you again the way they did before. It’s about trying to be better than you were, to learn and improve. You’ve f--ked up. Own your mistakes, do your best to make things better, then go forward and don’t make those mistakes again. Be better than that.

Good luck.   

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DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m an older guy, married for 23 years and divorced for ten, with a dating frustration. The issue is, I’m a big picture guy and I go for it, across a number of domains but mainly to do with existing sustainably on the only known habitable planet. There is this dramatic element and then a lot of energy expended – founding and leading companies, NGOs, university lecturing, writing an award winning novel, dedicating myself to my spiritual community, public speaking, etc… In my mind someone somewhere must find this hero’s journey (at least in my own mind) at least somewhat romantically interesting. It hasn’t worked out that way. 

To be honest though, my level of interest in women that don’t at least get somewhat similarly motivated are not that interesting to me either. In fact, they are very rare, almost always in another relationship, or more generally at least 10 years older. The few times I have met somebody who was like – wow! – it wasn’t reciprocated. I don’t really want to go to this numb space where many people seem to be, but I also have a passionately romantic side that I don’t want to neglect. Any ideas on how to reconcile this?

Overachievers Anonymous

DEAR OVERACHIEVERS ANONYMOUS:  I’ll be honest, OA, it took me a moment to try to figure out if the issue were women who didn’t have a passionate interest in you when you were interested in them, or if it were an issue of not meeting similarly motivated and accomplished women who were also interested in you.

Now, what I’m gathering is that you want to meet someone who matches your energy and intensity with the things that you’re passionate about, which is entirely reasonable. Things can feel unbalanced when you have a strong passion and drive and the other person isn’t as equally driven or ambitious or what-not as you.

But I wonder if part of the problem is in the differences in the way that passion and drive and ambition manifest for you and how it might manifest for others.

One of the things that I see folks run into is a tendency to assume that Their Way of Doing Things is The Way – that is, that they expect that because their passion for X is expressed by doing Y, someone who’s passionate about Z would be expressing it the same way. And in your case, that plays out by being very driven and outgoing, with multiple irons in the fire at all times, many different projects and goals and organizations.

Which, don’t get me wrong, is entirely fine. But it’s also very, for lack of a better term, socially coded as a masculine endeavor. That is: the hustle/grindset/always-be-closing energy is something that’s lionized in men… but frequently punished in women. Even in the far flung, post-Lean-In future of 2024, women who are too ambitious, too driven or too active are told that They Are Doing It Wrong and are passively and actively encouraged to dial it all back and maybe not take on sooooo much because it’s just not feminine and really they have other responsibilities that they’re supposed to be handling too. It’s a message that’s so ubiquitous in our culture that it’s easy to miss how many movies, TV shows, etc. have promoted the idea, subtly and less so, that Girl Boss types are annoying or undesirable or fundamentally unfulfilled.

(Granted, the whole ‘tradwife’ fetish – and it is a fetish, let’s be real – is entirely cool with that sort of energy… but only as long as it’s entirely devoted to female-coded activities like child-rearing, housekeeping and food prep. And only as long as everyone pointedly ignores that those women are actually running a media business, not being Suzie Frontier Homemaker)

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t women who say “f--k all that” and go ahead and pursue their ambitions in a similar manner as you do… but they tend to be thin on the ground and a lot of them tend to either be older (and thus have fewer f--ks to give) or are already partnered. It’ll be easier to find folks who have similar energy, goals and drive when you’re looking in spaces similar to yours, especially if you look for people in management or facilitation – the folks who actually make s--t happen. However, as I said: the odds of finding someone like that who is also age-appropriate and single is going to be a challenge.

However, this also doesn’t mean that women who aren’t as prolific aren’t equally driven or ambitious; it’s just that their ambition and drive doesn’t manifest the same way. I know, for example, a lot of women who are very ambitious, very prolific writers, who are just as driven and just as focused as you… but their drive and ambition is expressed differently; they’re frequently working a day job with its own responsibilities and then doing a functional third job as their own PR and marketing person on top of writing.

The same is often true of online content creators, where they seem to be doing only one thing, but who have to wear multiple hats – editor, researcher, writer, producer, customer service and community manager, etc. While a few have the finances to actually have staff, many are one-woman shows where they’re wearing many, many hats.

And all of this is frequently on top of having to, y’know, deal with the mundanities of life, from going to appointments, doing the grocery shopping, housekeeping, cooking and so on. Especially since most folks aren’t going to be able to outsource those responsibilities.

So it may be that there are more women who might meet your standards, but whose pursuit of their goals and ambitions don’t necessarily look like yours. It may help to broaden your perspective in terms of what sorts of ambition and drive you’re looking for. That might expand your particular dating pool somewhat.

Now another thing you may need to consider is… well, that list you just rattled off at the top of your letter. That’s… a lot. And don’t get me wrong, that is impressive and you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished and what you’re doing. However, it kind of sounds like you’re unsure why all these accomplishments aren’t bringing women to your door, and that honestly makes me think a little of The Last Unicorn, when Prince Lîr wondering why the Lady Amalthea isn’t impressed by all the great deeds he’s accomplished, the quests he’s completed, the unanswerable riddles he’s answered, curses he’s broken and dragons he’s killed. And the answer really came down to “Not everyone is going to be won over just because you did great deeds”. Not everyone wants to be a Power Couple after all.

Accomplishments are great, ambition is great… but you have to be able to connect with people on an emotional level if you want them to like you. It’s like I always say: nobody’s dating your resumé or your bank account. They’re dating you. If you aren’t actually reaching them emotionally, that relationship isn’t going to happen because while your accomplishments are great, they don’t give the same happy warm feeling of cuddling up under a blanket on the couch with your sweetie and watching your favorite movie together. 

So while your very clearly a capable and accomplished person, it may well come down to the fact that those accomplishments – while something you should be proud of – simply aren’t going to carry the same weight or importance of knowing how to make someone feel good when they’re with you. And to be perfectly blunt: depending on if and how you’re sharing that you’ve done these things, it may be the focus on those accomplishments that is turning people off. It’s worth remembering that “great” can alsobe spelled G-R-A-T-E.

And then there’s the time and energy issue. I think even someone who is equally ambitious and as driven as you is going to look at that list and say “I don’t know if that’s someone who actually has time to date”. Even if a lot of that is in the past, rather than what you’re currently doing, that’s all stuff that takes up a lot of time and bandwidth, and there’re quite a few women who are going to wonder – not unreasonably – if you’re going to have the time or energy to give to a serious and committed relationship. And that’s before we get to whether they have the time or energy to give to a new relationship – especially if they are equally as accomplished and productive as you are.

Everything in life comes with a cost and that cost is time. There are only 24 hours in the day, and everything you add to your life comes at the expense of something you’re already doing. So if you want to date and maintain a serious, committed and long-term relationship? You may have to either be very, very good at time management or be willing to let some things go in exchange for making room for others.

One thing I think that might help would be to talk to some female friends whose judgement you trust and get a vibe check from them. Ask them how you’re coming across, what kind of vibe you’re giving and whether you’re presenting yourself as a potential relationship partner or as though you’re looking for someone to network. Having an outside perspective, especially from women who know you, can be invaluable; it may well be that part of the problem is that you’re not sending the message that you’re looking for a relationship and to settle down.

It may also be worth asking if the passion and drive you’re looking for needs to look like yours or if you’re able to recognize it, value it and appreciate it if it’s expressed in different ways and in ways that aren’t necessarily as global or dramatic or grandiose as yours. Sometimes it really is a question of what is going to be a priority and what you’re willing to bend on. If you are going to need someone who’s drive matches yours and is expressed the same way, then you have to accept that this is going to reduce the pool of potential matches until it’s very, very small and you’ll have to be willing to accept being single for longer than you’d prefer as the price of entry.

It’s up to you in the end. Take some time, get that vibe check and do some self-exploring and see what is going to be most important for you.

Good luck.

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