DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Your advice and one of your books has been really useful in the past, so I’d really appreciate your input if you can find the time to squeeze me in.

I’ve been hooking up with a friend, “B” for the past couple of months. The original intent at least for me was a FWB arrangement, and for the most part that’s what it is. She’s recently divorced after being separated for two years (weekend past was the anniversary; she made a point of saying actually). Since the separation/divorce she’s been pretty sexually active with different people, still is. When we got involved we made a point of laying down the rules – she wasn’t looking for anything that would “restrict” her, so I would continue looking for someone I could have a relationship with (more on that later).Hands were shook, uglies were knocked, orgasms were had (she actually told me I’m the first guy to get her off). 

Initially she made a point of worrying about me catching feelings as she’s had that happen despite her being emphatically clear about not wanting that. That said, when she got wind of me seeing someone, “K”, she not long after told me she’d be happy to talk about other women if it would help me, but admitted that would be “hard” because her “feelings had evolved”. “There was more to the relationship than she thought”, and so on.

So with her having said that via text, I made a point of us talking about it when we next the night together. RE things having “evolved”, she said “from a dinosaur to a bird”, i.e. not much had actually changed, but regardless I realised that part of me had opened up to the idea of being with her and made me feel a bit vulnerable and anxious. I realise she has an incredible amount to offer as a partner, and I have a lot I can give her back too.

After this (she’s just bought her own place and I’d helped her move in), she wanted to spend some time by herself, just trying to “be” and help her decide what she wants. We still spoke a lot via text. This includes another conversation where she said she was still working out what she “wants” and “what she’s allowing herself to have”, and some pretty spicy exchanges before we next saw each other where we spent the whole weekend together. She made a point of making sure we had that time.

During that weekend, I told her I would like for us to find a way to move forward together. It wouldn’t necessarily change a lot immediately, I still wouldn’t really want to “restrict” her, outside of wanting to move toward something monogamous, which she said she can’t do and her reasons for that. I’m also mindful of things she *didn’t* say: no comment was made on whether she would like or not like to find any way to move forward in any sense. To quote the philosopher O’Malley: no response *is* a response.

Now, all this time I’ve still been seeing K. I made a point of making sure both of them were aware of the other and what was involved to make sure there’s no deceit and K is absolutely one of my people. I earnestly want to at least be friends with her if things don’t work out romantically. Instead of just throwing all my attention toward making things work with K, however, instead I’m starting to question if I would be comfortable with an open relationship with B? Maybe if I was the main? Would she even want me to be the main? I’ve been challenging established preconceptions I had about what a relationship can or cannot be. I’m just not sure if I want to go into another conversation with her so quickly after the last, if at all.

While I’m not yet in a position where I need to make a decision, I wonder if there is a decision to be made, and does it even start with me? Does B want me? Is she wanting to keep me around? Unsure of what she really wants? Am I an idiot for questioning my thoughts instead of pursuing K?

Thanks Doc

Betty Or Veronica?

DEAR BETTY OR VERONICA: Serious question, BoV: do you actually want an open relationship? Or is it that B is pulling back and you’re reacting to that instead?

There are other issues to consider here, but let’s start with making sure you understand your own mind before we worry about those. You want to make sure that you are making decisions based on what is actually good for you, rather than what is appealing in the moment.

One of the most tired cliches in dating is “we instinctively chase that which runs from us”. This is part of why “playing hard to get” has been one of the hoariest of dating strategies out there – everything from the “three days” rule for when to call to the entire philosophy that underpins The Rules. But it’s a cliché for a reason. Being told we can’t have something is a time-honored method of increasing demand; all you have to do is check eBay whenever a new shiny toy comes out and demand outstrips supply. People were paying double MSRP for Wii’s, Switches and PS5s, just because they couldn’t wait any longer for production to catch up.

The same thing happens in relationships. When you’re used to having someone’s attention and affection and it’s suddenly not there anymore, you feel the lack even more sharply than you did the attention. Even if you weren’t as into them as they were into you, there’s an almost atavistic response to try to get that attention back. It’s why you see so many stories of folks who don’t seem to care about their partner right up until they get dumped. Now, suddenly, they’re almost frenzied in trying to get them back. Sometimes this is because the loss made them realize their true feelings… but a lot of time, it’s simply because the vacuum sucks them in.

Now to be fair to you: you were already starting to come around to thinking that maybe B could be a good match after all. So it’s certainly possible that this isn’t just the sudden absence talking. But also to be fair to B: she told you from the start that she didn’t want you catching feelings. And while her feelings may have “evolved”, they don’t seem to have evolved far enough to make her want a committed relationship. And that right there is one of the big bad complications waiting in the wings.

The other, of course, is K.

Right now, you’re deep in your feels and I think it’s making you put the cart before the horse. B hasn’t said one way or another about wanting something more serious or monogamous – with you or anyone else, for that matter. She said her feelings have “evolved from dinosaur to bird” but not what that means. Does that mean that maybe she’s realzing that she has feelings for you? Or does it mean that even if the relationship is casual, she’s not cool with sharing? Or maybe she’s realizing that she may be more open to non-monogamy… but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to be her primary partner.

You also don’t say how K feels about all of this. There’s nothing in your letter about whether K is interested in anything more than a casual connection, nothing about whether she’s open to an ENM relationship or how she feels about all of this. Yes, she is presumably ok with you seeing other folks when it’s all casual, but your catching feelings for someone might change the math.

This is the difference between polyamory and non-monogamy: non-monogamy is simply not being sexually exclusive. Polyamory is having multiple, concurrent, romantic relationships, and that can be a very different beast for people. It’s one thing to be a FWB with someone who has multiple FWBs. It’s another when you’ve gone from being roughly equal to secondary.

And if she gets the feeling that she’s more backup than partner, then you’re going to be dealing with problems on two fronts.

So the first thing I would suggest is to sit with your feelings for a little while and try to determine whether your feelings for her are based out of chasing for something that’s out of reach. This runs the risk of your making decisions less out of what’s best for you and more out of a fear of loss.

If you’re not actually poly, trying for a poly relationship just to keep B around is likely to end in tears. You may want to start trying to see how you would feel if either K or B were entirely out of the picture; imagine that one of them had dipped out with 100% certainty that there was no future relationship with them. How does that change things? Are you less conflicted about your feelings for B? More? What about K? does the idea of giving up K to have a relationship with B change how you feel? Or does it clarify things for you?

While you’re doing this, you need to sit tight and give B time to figure out her own mind and feelings. She said she wanted to sort things out for herself. As of right now, you don’t know what that’s going to be, or what will be on the table when and if she comes back. She may well have decided that your catching feelings for her is a deal breaker, evolution from raptor to chicken not-withstanding. Trying to plan for the relationship in your head runs the very high risk of disappointment if she decides that she can’t do a relationship with you – poly or otherwise – or that you would have to functionally be her side-piece, rather than her primary partner.

You should also talk with K and get her feelings on things. If she’s not down for a poly relationship, then this is going to be a self-solving issue: you get K or B, not both.

And believe me, I’ve seen a lot of folks do the “Well, if this is the only way I can be with her” dance. Hell, I’ve officiated marriages where someone had a poly-under-duress partner, and it’s rarely a fun time. It takes a pretty particular sort of person to make that work without it being sandpaper to the soul and you have to know yourself very well before deciding that’s you.

If, over the course of this, you think that you really are polyamorous at heart, then now would be the time to start doing some due diligence. I’d suggest starting to educate yourself on the ins and outs of poly and ENM relationships and doing some reading. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Harvey, and Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell are good starting points. 

(Full disclosure: Dr. Liz is a friend of mine and they’ve guest-written for this column before).

But for now: work on knowing your own mind and wait for B and K to figure out theirs before you start making any plans. Otherwise, you’re running the risk of trying to have it all and then losing everything in the process.

Good luck.

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a bit of a tricky situation. To make a long story shorter, I met a guy while working overseas. At the time we were both married. Due to the nature of our work, we found ourselves gravitating towards each other to talk to and decompress with at the end of the stressful days. Come to find out, we seemed to have everything in common. He was easy to talk to, we had similar life goals, and I eventually ended up craving to spend time with him. Every minute I had, I wanted to spend with him. The easy friendship quickly resulted in sexual tension, but we were both aware that we were married. 

Fast forward six months of not a day without talking to each other, we make it home. This bond we had formed overseas ultimately led to my divorce. I found myself in a situation where I knew I wanted to be with him; I was completely infatuated and obsessed with him. Yet he was not doing anything in his situation to make himself available. It was a clear case of wanting someone I couldn’t have. I ended up asking for an ultimatum – I set a date for him to decide between me or her because I couldn’t feel so hurt anymore. He missed that deadline, and I tried to do what was best for me and completely cut him out of my life. I tried dating other people and not thinking about him. Nothing helped me stop thinking about him. I entered a two month relationship with someone who checked all the boxes and was honestly great, except for the fact that I couldn’t stop thinking about the other guy obsessively. 

Fast forward again to three days ago. Because I had blocked him from everything, he had no way to contact me. He ended up waiting for me outside my house after work. I called the new guy immediately telling him I had unresolved feelings for someone else. It was an emotional high finally being with him and imagining a future with him. It lasted until he left. And now I’m sitting here, worried that I was only into him because he was someone I couldn’t have. 

Was it all about the chase? I find myself sitting here, crying for the other guy, and not having those strong feelings for the original guy. What should I do?

Don’t Want What I Ain’t Got

DEAR DON’T WANT WHAT I AIN’T GOT: This is actually pretty simple, DWWIAG. What happened to you is actually very common; we just don’t really hear about it often outside of tabloids and TMZ.

I’m sure you’ve seen story after story about relationships sparking up between actors who star in plays or TV shows together and on-set chemistry turning into affairs between movie stars, especially ones who have a lot of scenes together. Well, part of why they have these intense connections is because of one of the most under-appreciated sources of attraction: propinquity. Propinquity is the tendency to form relationships – both platonic and romantic – with the people we see the most often and spend the most time with.

This is one of the reasons why there’re so many office romances or why volunteers in political campaigns have a high tendency to hook up; you’re having many, many interactions with the same people over and over again. Combine that with shared values and interests, a charged or high-pressure atmosphere and finding each other attractive and you’ve got a recipe for explosive chemistry that tends to find an output in each others’ pants.

The same applies to your situation. You’re overseas, away from your friends and loved ones, including your husband. You’re a bit lonely, missing the familiarity of home (something that a lot of expats talk about) and here’s your co-worker. He’s a fellow countryman, he’s easy to talk to and pretty easy on the eyes as well. So you’ve already got the setup for a connection to build, especially since you’re seeing each other constantly. Add to that the apparently high levels of stress, which often demands some sort of tension release and boom: y’all are having the kind of furniture-wrecking funtimes that fuel so many romance novels and movies.

There’s just one problem though: that incredible connection and world shattering chemistry was the product of those very specific circumstances. If you hadn’t that same combination of propinquity, loneliness and tension… well, the attraction may have been there, but it wouldn’t have been so intense that you couldn’t keep your hands off each other. And as I’ve said many times before: the thrill of the new tends to cloud people’s judgment and paper over a whole lotta sins.

Well, now you’re back stateside, without the same level of tension, without the same level of constant contact and now you’re not feeling it any more. This, too, is part of the story. It’s why so many of those on-set flings don’t seem to survive past when filming wraps; they’re not being flung together, with absurd call times and film schedules, long periods of nothing and intense scenes. It’s not that the magic is gone so much as the pressure has been released. Without that pressure to trigger the chemistry, the moment fades and everyone moves on.

What adds a little more seasoning to your story is the open loop you were left with at the end of your relationship with this guy. You made your demand that he leave his wife for you and he all he did was admire the whizzing sound as the deadline passed him by. That had to sting, but it also left you without feeling like you had a definite end cap on this affair. So without any theoretical closure, you still had the flames of hope burning in your soul.

And then oh look he’s back and those flames shoot right back up  again. Except this wasn’t a reignition so much as a backdraft; the sudden burst of excitement gets matched by the sudden vacuum as the flames burn out what’s left of your attraction. Between the removal of the pressure and constant closeness and the sting to your ego from the way your relationship ended, the components of your connection were no longer there. And like a Transformers fan who realized the Bay movies sucked as soon as they weren’t being wowed by constant spectacle, you’ve discovered that what you were living for was flash, not substance.

In an ideal world, you would’ve taken a little time to sit with your feelings before immediately calling up your new beau to say “my other guy’s back, peace out”. And to be perfectly fair, that was certainly an emotional high. Whomst amongst us hasn’t made stupid decisions under the influence of a heroic cascade of dopamine and oxytocin? But you did and now you’re going to have to deal with the consequences of your actions.

There’s not really much you can do here. You can get back in touch with your new guy and try to explain and hope he’ll take you back. But two months really isn’t a lot of time to build up trust and connection, and you dumped him with zero warning for your old flame before immediately changing your mind. I think most people are going to see that as a bad sign for the future. If you were (in his eyes) so flakey to ditch a promising relationship for a chance with The One That Got Away, followed by immediately turning around and saying “whoops never mind, can I have backsies on that”, I imagine he’s going to have a hard time trusting you not to ditch him again. If your heart is that inconsistent, how is he ever going to feel secure that this scenario isn’t going to play out over and over?

I think the best thing you can do here is what you didn’t do the first time: give yourself some closure. Let this draw the curtain on that period of your life and the relationships within it. The lessons were painful, but you’ve learned a lot about yourself. Now it’s time to let those lessons sink in and to keep them in mind the next time you find yourself head over heels. NRE can be exciting, even overwhelming, but that’s all the more reason to try to keep your wits about you. The last thing you want is to toss aside an incredible relationship – whether your marriage or a new one that’s developing – for something that’s ultimately just a shooting star: exciting and special, but gone in an instant.

Good luck.

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: What’s up, Doc? I’ll keep this one short and sweet: I’ve got anxiety and I hate it. It doesn’t matter how well things are going, there is a voice in the back of my mind that will tell me how it’s all a big mistake or that I’m at risk of messing everything up or I did something weird and now everyone’s got the ick.

My anxiety means that I’m on high alert all the time like I’ve gone outside the wire in Iraq all the time and I’m always second-guessing every word I say and everything I do. When it’s not doing that, I’m going over everything people have said to me and trying to convince myself that they don’t secretly hate me. 

I hate it and I want it to stop and I don’t know how. Please don’t say therapy, I’ve already got a therapist and they don’t seem to understand. What do I do? 

Nervous Devonshire (W)rex

DEAR DEVONSHIRE (W)REX: I know you said don’t say “therapy”, but if your therapist isn’t helping, it’s probably time to find a new therapist. Therapy is a lot like dating; if you aren’t clicking with your therapist, if you don’t feel like you’re being understood or listened to and if their work isn’t helping after you’ve given it a good-faith try, then you may need to find someone who is a better fit. You might also want to talk to your GP or a psychiatrist about anti-anxiety medication. Even something like a beta-blocker to help control your heart rate might help you get things under control.

Yeah, I know: it can feel like you’re weak or can’t hack it because you need pills to not be a nervous nellie. F--k that noise; as someone who’s dealt with a few different mental health issues, I’m a big believer in better living through chemistry. Our brains are blobs of tapioca with electricity running through them until they hallucinate hard enough to invent calculus; of course changing the chem balances will have an effect. If you’re willing to use the right kind of oil to keep your car’s motor happy, then there’s really nothing significantly different than taking your meds when you need them.

Now with that out of the way, I think what may help here is to change your relationship to your anxiety. The key to understanding anxiety is that it’s not there to hurt you or make your life worse. Anxiety is one your brain’s attempts to keep you safe.  Your brain doing its best to anticipate problems before they can happen so that you can navigate them smoothly and without issue.

Think about it: if you know that you’re entering the savannah and there’re saber-tooth tigers around, having plans and contingencies in case you encounter them makes sense. Being on the lookout for signs that they’re nearby is basic survival.

That’s what anxiety is doing; it’s looking for signs of trouble and trying to help you avoid it if possible and to deal with it when necessary. In this case, instead of helping you avoid predators in the tall grass, it’s being applied to your social life – helping you navigate the complex and frequently confusing morass of being a person in the world.

The problem, however, is that anxiety can be a bit like a working breed dog; if it doesn’t have a job, it can get rambunctious and destructive. When we had to be on the lookout for smilodons and cave bears and s--t, someone with a higher level of anxiety was a feature; they kept their crew alive. In a much safer world, there’re fewer things to be on alert for and so that anxiety kinda goes berserk trying to do its job and starts trying to find threats where there aren’t any. So someone like you ends up becoming hypervigilant in the name of safety, convinced that there’re threats lurking behind every smile, micro-expression or time that someone takes longer to reply to a text than they did before.

So, there’re three things to do here. The first is to give yourself a little breathing room. When you have those moments of being sure that something is wrong, actually look at the evidence and ask yourself what you would tell a friend who came to you with the same fears. Would you look at their concerns and say “oh yeah, you’re f--ked; pack your bags, change your name and get a new face, you gotta get out of here”, or would you say “hey, it’s ok, you’re making a lot out of nothing”? Or you might take a moment and think of times when you’ve been on the other end of the situation: a friend said something weird or you didn’t reply to a DM the instant you got one. Did you start to hate them because they misspoke, or did you intuit what they really meant and just took it in stride? Were you not answering their DM because you don’t like them or because you had other stuff to do?

You can’t logic yourself out of an emotion, but you can dial back the immediacy of the worry. If you can give yourself that space where it doesn’t feel like the world is coming down on you right this instant, then you’re giving yourself a chance for that moment of anxiety to pass. And it will pass, just as every feeling does. Nobody can be sad or happy or scared forever; it just feels that way in the moment.

The second thing you want to do is to pay attention to your feelings – note them when you’re having then and give them a name. When you have an anxiety attack about something, take a moment and observe that you’re having a feeling. Then you name it and describe its purpose “this is my anxiety about asking Sally out on a date”; “this is my anxiety about my connection with my friends, it’s telling me that I’m feeling insecure because I haven’t seen them in a while because I’ve been busy but they’ve all been hanging out and I worry that it means that they don’t have room for me anymore”.

Please note very carefully the way I phrased that: you’re having a feeling, not you are that feeling. You’re not anxious, you’re feeling anxious. Reminding yourself that you’re having a feeling is a reminder that this is a temporary issue, not a permanent, definitional state of being. Similarly, describing the why of it helps you figure out what the underlying issue is; the answer is often found there. If you’re worried about your closeness with your friends and you’ve been distant for a while, then perhaps it’s time to block out time to hang out with them. Maybe it’ll be easier to schedule one-on-one, rather than a big group outing; either way, that time with them will help reaffirm that no, things are fine.

The third is to gently redirect your anxiety away from these phantom problems. Remember what I said about how anxiety is like a working dog without a job? Well, just as with those dogs, sometimes the answer is to give it a job. If you’re getting anxious about something, ask yourself if that’s something that’s actually happening right now? Is it something that is, absolutely, positively going on, or is it theoretical, just the potential of a problem? If the answer is “no, it’s not happening right this instant, it just might”, then you want to gently redirect your attention to something that does need to be taken care of.

Is there a deadline for a project coming up? Maybe now’s a good time to figure out how to make progress on it. Is there a call you’re not looking forward to? This is the best time to start rehearsing what you’re going to say. Finding something else to focus on, something that you can accomplish and know that you’ve avoided a problem, helps settle things down.

Remember: anxiety is just your brain trying to keep you safe, not happy. It’s about smoothing the way forward and avoiding problems. By finding other things to do or problems to solve, you help keep it occupied and – importantly – allow it to do its job. Yeah, I know; it sounds like weird woo-woo s--t. But trust me: it works. The key isn’t to try to make the anxiety go away, it’s to give it a useful focus until the moment fades.

And by being more in tune with your feelings, being more mindful of what you’re feeling and why, you actually reduce the amount of anxiety you experience because you are giving yourself to address the underlying causes in a productive manner, instead of just freaking yourself out for no good reason.

Good luck.

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Top of Form

Bottom of Form

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com