DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Many years ago I met someone on one occasion and we became very close over text. I let him down and never met up with him one time like I said I would. But still we kept in touch. We live a couple of hours away from each other. I couldn’t commit to him and met someone else here. At that point we cut ties and said we’d always love one another.

Months later he got in touch when I was with a different boyfriend and I panicked and ghosted him. It sounds awful and it was a horrible thing to do but I wasn’t thinking straight at the time, panicked.

So I wound up in an abusive relationship for almost a decade and it’s been over for a couple of months. I found him and reached out to him expecting him to block me, apologising for my immaturity and saying basically I screwed up. His response was quick and really very kind about me. He also just wanted to make sure I was alright. After all those years of no contact and a loveless relationship it made my heart pound.

Here’s where I screwed it up: in my first message and subsequent messages I was acting as if I was bidding him farewell. But when he was so lovely and considerate, I realised how much I wanted him in my life. So I send around 2 or 3 cringey messages thanking him for his kindness and telling him I’d always be there for him like he was for me. I didn’t want to cut contact but it felt inappropriate after ending my recent relationship. The messages were weird, looking back I was in a really vulnerable place. Eventually after him reading my messages and not responding I apologised for the strange behaviour and told him about my bad relationship situation. Which made it look like I’d messaged him for all of the wrong reasons.

So he read about 4 messages, all of the ones I’d sent, and hasn’t replied. I asked him how he was and said look if you don’t want to reply that’s cool, my feelings for you never changed. I said that because I was never upfront to this guy when we were chatting in text or on the phone. Life is short and I thought if someone is lovely, tell them! I also think I got over excited as my previous partner was nowhere near as considerate.

What I’m wondering is, have I completely blown my chances of even a friendship with this person? I’ve weirded him out somehow and now he doesn’t want to talk to me. I don’t think he’s in a relationship as he gallantly responded to me quickly when I first reached out. I will move on, I’d just like to get a hint of what he could possibly be thinking at this point?

Thanks so much.

Red Freak Flag

DEAR RED FREAK FLAG: So right off the bat, I’m not sure if you’ve actually met this guy in person, which is its own issue. I’m pretty firmly on the record that while it’s certainly possible to have long-lasting connections and relationships – even important and meaningful ones – with people you’ve only ever known virtually, it’s a bad idea to round things up to “romantic love” when you’ve never actually met. Love isn’t just an emotion, it’s also chemical – it’s, as the saying goes, blood screaming at you to work its will. Less poetically: there’s a whole host of things that affect how attracted we are to a person that can only be determined in their physical presence. I can’t count the number of times that I’ve seen passionate ‘relationships’ that were exclusively online fall apart when the star-crossed lovers finally meet in person and discover that there’s just no spark in person.

That alone is enough for me to say that maybe you’ve invested a bit too much into this guy. But I’m going to be honest, RFF: I think the biggest problem here is that you come off like an emotional roller-coaster. Going just from your letter, we have multiple occasions where you get emotional and lovey-dovey with him then immediately eject and vanish for months or even years at a time. Then you come back, reconnect, then have yet another freak out and ghost again.

So I don’t think you’ve screwed things up recently. I think you more or less screwed this particular pooch a long time ago. The fact that it keeps happening suggests to me that maybe there’re other issues at play here that need to be dealt with.

One of the things I talk about when it comes to dating and relationships is that you want to be in good emotional shape. Think of it like a car: a car that has its little quirks – needing to hit the ignition a certain way to start it up, tendencies to make knocking sounds at certain speeds or burning through oil like Elon Musk burning through advertisers – but still runs and gets you where you need to go safely is in good working order. A car that, say, chugs to a stop at random and won’t start up again or that can’t make it up hills or has mushy, unresponsive breaks, on the other hand, is one that shouldn’t be on the road.

To be blunt, I think you’re a lot closer to the latter than the former, and I think that’s something you need to work on. Some of this is entirely understandable; coming out of an abusive relationship, especially a decade-long one, is going to leave a lot of scars and a lot of wounds that need healing. But this has been an ongoing issue with you, and I think it may be worth asking why you have this pattern of seeking to get close then immediately darting away like a feral cat that doesn’t trust the people trying to feed it.

That knee-jerk response is especially evident in how you’ve handled the most recent attempt to reestablish contact. You don’t say how long it was from your first text to the next four or five where you went progressively off the rails, but it certainly seems like there wasn’t much space between them. That is going to throw a lot of people for a loop, especially if it comes in rapid-fire progression like Jon Favreau leaving voicemails in Swingers.

I would also suggest that there’s a certain amount of wishful thinking going on here, based on the way you’re describing things. The fact that he responded quickly doesn’t say to me that he’s single, it tells me that a friend he’d been worried about resurfaced and he was relieved to know they were still alive and relatively well. Unless someone’s in a really toxic relationship, that’s not exclusively “single man” behavior.

But whether he’s single or not, it certainly seems clear that the idea of his interest in you freaks you out and causes you to flinch, and I think you should dig into that with the help of a therapist. From an outsiders perspective, you seem to go hot and cold at the drop of a hat and that’s going to make people less interested in trying to pursue something – especially if you’re just going to up and say “whoop, never mind, see you in ten years” again.

But while you’re dealing with that… honestly the only thing you should do now is just go on and live your life. Throwing more texts and messages after the last few aren’t going to make things better. It’s just going to increase the likelihood that history is going to repeat itself again. You’ve said your piece. Many times, in fact. The ball’s in his court and he has your number. If he’s going to reply, he’ll reply in his own time and when he’s ready. Your poking at things will only make it worse. So just move on as though you already have your answer. If it’s meant to be, he’ll reach out. If not, then you’ll be on the way towards getting yourself in better working order anyway and you won’t have time to dwell on the past anyway.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading one of your more recent columns about if you need to be perfect to get a date. The short answer is “No” (obviously), and I know you’ve covered the topic in detail over the years. I wanted to bounce off that blog post and ask about one specific thing that troubles me, which I also believe is a major contributing factor as to why the “average man” can feel so downtrodden when it comes to their love lives. I know I certainly feel that way at times.

Just like the LW, I’m also not perfect. I am, however, in a good place and consider myself to be a great potential partner for someone and good-looking to boot. These sentiments are shared by those around me. However, despite being “a catch” I can categorically state that women have shown me very little attention in my life and that I have never been approached (and yes, I am factoring in the more subtle ways in which women do this). There have been many years in-between the handful of dates that I have had in my life, with the most recent streak coming up to eight years, even though during that time my social circle has increased and I have hung out with a lot more women. Incidentally, it’s also during this time that I have observed women who have initiated contact and openly flirted with other men. Coincidentally, it’s this disconnect between being a “great guy” and (seemingly) “undesirable” that I find to be disconcerting. I think it’s an experience that many men would share with me.

I wanted to share two specific experiences with you, which may help illustrate why I feel this way.

The first was an experience I had at university. At one point in time I met a guy who was antithetic to the Incel rhetoric, by which I mean short, overweight, unkept, not conventionally attractive, and had an obnoxious personality. He also wasn’t very confident in himself, having gleaned this over time through conversations I had with him, and I knew very few people who found him likable. Nevertheless, this man had no issues with finding women who were interested in dating or sex – he got matches on the apps, he was talking to several women on social media, he was always meeting new women when out on the town (some of whom approached), and sure enough, he had slept with a handful of them. It would later turn out he was a colossal prick that abused a couple of these women, but that didn’t seem to matter because, despite this knowledge being known, he was still getting some action. Obviously this man was nothing to aspire to, but the complete contrast in what he possessed, and what is typically thought of as “attractive”, was something that always perplexed me. The last I heard, he was getting married.

Ironically, it was around this point in my life that I made substantial improvements to myself and started getting a lot of positive reinforcement from others. I also had no romantic or sexual experiences during this period, nor can I recall a time where a woman may have shown even a hint of interest.

A couple of years later, I had another experience with a friend of mine. We had known each other for a few months and, on this occasion, was on a night out with a group of friends. Early into that evening, a man unknown to any of us entered the bar. He was attractive, but by no means a model, nor did he stand out in any particular way from what I could observe. My friend approached this man within moments and asked for his number. She was rejected, but the enthusiasm and speed in which she took that opportunity left no doubt in my mind that she had a strong interest in that individual. It was almost like what you would see in the movies. The most baffling thing for me, however, was later on in the evening when we slept together. It was not until the moment we were alone in my hotel room that I had any idea she was attracted to me, and even then there had been absolutely no build-up to that moment. We hooked up again a couple of times after that night, but there was still no chemistry or flirting between us. It was very…robotic.

A year or so later we met up for an event and ended up having a discussion about what women find attractive in men, as we had been talking about a friend of hers who had been instantly attracted to a guy she met at a cafe. I explained to my friend the confusion I felt over the many years when I have received comments like “I’m surprised you’re single” and “I bet lots of girls fancy you”, with nothing to show for it. My friend responded by saying that I have very good charisma, am very handsome, and that it was clear as day that I am great with women. The discussion didn’t go any further, so I’m not really sure what she had observed about me that led her to this conclusion.

None of this post is to suggest for one second that it’s common place for a guy to have countless women want to get close to him, but it does seem to me that you can have all the positive characteristics and material possessions in the world, and still not have “it”. To try and summarize my points, it would seem that A) There are men out there, many of which do not meet the 6-6-6 criteria, who have a more instant appeal to them, and B) Women seem very capable of approaching these men directly, but are more subtle or even neutral towards other guys they may find attractive. These points are, of course, based on my anecdotes; but I’ve had other similar experiences, and I’m sure this is relatable for a lot of guys.

I am completely bewildered by this. I’ve been out a lot in more recent months and have actively tried to look out for women who may be interested in me, but there’s nothing there. I clearly don’t have “it”, but I don’t even know what “it” is, or how to obtain this mythical status.

So, why is it that some men receive more obvious signs of attraction? What can other men do to put themselves into a position where they may experience that?

Some Guys Have All The Luck

DEAR SOME GUYS HAVE ALL THE LUCK: You’re right, I do talk about this a lot. And one of the ongoing reasons I talk about this a lot is because a lot of guys focus on the wrong things and draw the wrong conclusions.

Let’s start with the obvious one – and one that comes up a lot: the metric you’re using to measure success and attractiveness. Specifically: women initiating a conversation with a guy instead of the guy having to make the first move. This is, hands down, something I hear the most often from guys who talk about never getting any interest from women, and it’s honestly kind of telling.

Here’s the first problem with this metric: how many women are actually doing this. I would point out that your examples are about one woman approaching a dude seemingly unprompted, not “every woman in the bar came up to him”. That alone should tell you something from the jump: that this is about those women, specifically. These were women who a) found that particular person attractive and b) are the sort of person who has no problem making the first move when they’re suitably interested.

The issue here is that you’re drawing a whole lot of universal conclusions about women, rather than recognizing that these are the result of specific circumstances, including a whole lot of things that you’re not aware of. To start with: even in the far-flung future of 2024, a lot of women are uncomfortable making the first move, and with good reason.

Social conditioning is a motherf--ker and even today, women are still socialized that making the first move is too forward or too aggressive. A lot of guys – especially guys who feel very strongly about “traditional” gender roles – will respond badly to women approaching. This can range from assuming far more interest than is actually there and becoming obnoxious and aggressive to thinking that she’s a slut, a sex worker or that this is a trap or a con of some kind.

For another: women are frequently just as shy and just as afraid of rejection as men are. They don’t want to have the experience of trying to talk to a guy only to get frozen out or going over to someone they thought was making eye-contact with them only to realize they were trying to connect with someone else. It isn’t that they don’t find those guys hotter than World War III and wouldn’t love to throw them up against a flat surface and climb them like a tree. It’s that they’re having the same approach anxieties that men do, just with an extra helping of society telling them that it’s a bad move.

There’s also the fact that part of why this approach has been successful for these men is, again, it’s not a universal appeal; it’s not that every woman is falling for them, it’s that these particular women are. Part of why these guys get approached by these women in those venues is because of a little phenomenon us dating coaches call “right person, right place, right time”: that is, they’re those women’s favorite flavor, and they know enough to go where the women they’re most likely to appeal to hang out.

If you’ll forgive an awkward metaphor: if you want to bag an elk, you don’t want to go on a hunting trip in Dubai. If you are into freaky little goth chicks that smell like Fritos bags, you gotta haunt the Hot Topic. If you click best with club kids, you have to go to the clubs. Going where your people are is part of how you make the whole process easier.  

Then there’s the classic “assholes get all the women” trope which requires missing something very important: the sort of asshole who’s successful with meeting women is also very successful at hiding the fact that they’re assholes. As we have seen over and over again, just because someone has a reputation in some circles doesn’t mean that everyone knows that they’re assholes or predatory creeps. Quite a few of them are extremely skilled at keeping their reputation contained or finding people who haven’t heard about them yet, convincing their latest target that they’re different than the rest, and there will always be folks who’ll think that this reputation is overblown. It’s hardly as though they go up and say “Hi, I’m six red flags in a trench coat masquerading as a sexy, cultured and erudite man, want to have a disastrous hook up where I’ll leave you feeling cheap and used and wondering why I won’t take your calls any more?”

Then there’s the fact that these guys aren’t just standing there, minding their own business and women are throwing themselves at them. If you’re a regular reader, I’m sure you’ve seen me talk about “approach invitations” and the ways that people use various signals to others that they should come over and say hello. While I talk a lot about the signals that women send, it’s worth remembering that men send those signals as well. Most people who seem to have folks “just coming up to them” out of the clear blue sky have, in fact, been doing a decent amount of eye-f--king, smiling and gesturing at the women first… just as women do with men.

And that’s before we get into the fact that at least some of what you thought of being flirting… likely wasn’t. As it turns out, people across the gender spectrum are just bad at recognizing flirting in general. Sometimes what looks like flirting is just… conversation. And sometimes what starts as conversation turns into flirting.

But honestly, the most important thing here is, again, that this isn’t “dude just stands around, does nothing and women fly into his arms like they were pulled by a giant cartoon magnet with ‘Acme’ branded on the side”. Even in your own anecdotes, that colossal prick was an active participant – using dating apps, talking to women on social media and going out and approaching women himself. You’ve latched on to women approaching him as though that was all he did, rather than something that occasionally happens. You find it more significant because it taps into your own feelings about yourself. You’d do a lot better if you were to ask yourself why you’re comparing yourself against a metric that is uncommon and – by most standards – very, very high. It’s not exactly saying that playing basketball only matters if you get picked for Team USA at the Olympics, but it is pretty close to saying that it doesn’t count unless you go varsity.

I would also point out that you have been chosen by someone whose interest seems to have come out of nowhere. In your own anecdote, you mention that you had no idea your friend was considering sleeping with you until she made the move, and then you hooked up again later on. However, you immediately discount that as being valid because it doesn’t look or feel the way you imagine it would if you were the other guy. You have no real reason to believe this outside of how you feel about yourself. The sex being so-so doesn’t mean that someone’s not necessarily attracted to you; some people just aren’t great lays. Just because a person is aesthetically pleasing doesn’t mean that they’re great in bed; those are two different skill-sets with very little overlap.

So, to sum up: it’s not all women making unprompted approaches, it’s not like these guys do absolutely nothing and when it does happen to you, you disregard it as not being valid.

What I would suggest is that you spend a little time on yourself and your self-image. As you said: part of why your unappealing acquaintance does well is his own rock-solid confidence and self-assurance despite not being classically handsome. I would also suggest that maybe you’re expecting a level of attention that’s unreasonable as a meaningful metric and is causing you to miss out on people’s interest simply because you don’t see it or believe it when you do. I strongly suspect that a lot of the problem you’re having is that you’re looking for the highest possible signs of interest because you don’t want to risk making a move and getting shot down. The problem is: you end up missing out on 95% of opportunities because you’re holding out for that 5% as the only one that “really counts”.

Which leads me to my next and final point: success comes most often to those who put themselves in success’ path. The people who are the best at meeting and dating women are the ones who are actively looking and talking to folks, frequently in many different ways, and are open to many different definitions of success. Knowing where your people are and spending time in those spaces, going out and talking to people yourself while also making a point of being more approachable and inviting are all going to be key to finding folks who’re going to be just as excited to talk to you as you would be to talk to them.

Otherwise, you’re going to just be sitting around, wondering why doing nothing doesn’t seem to increase your odds while the people who do the work are finding results.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Your advice and one of your books has been really useful in the past, so I’d really appreciate your input if you can find the time to squeeze me in.

I’ve been hooking up with a friend, “B” for the past couple of months. The original intent at least for me was a FWB arrangement, and for the most part that’s what it is. She’s recently divorced after being separated for two years (weekend past was the anniversary; she made a point of saying actually). Since the separation/divorce she’s been pretty sexually active with different people, still is. When we got involved we made a point of laying down the rules – she wasn’t looking for anything that would “restrict” her, so I would continue looking for someone I could have a relationship with (more on that later).Hands were shook, uglies were knocked, orgasms were had (she actually told me I’m the first guy to get her off). 

Initially she made a point of worrying about me catching feelings as she’s had that happen despite her being emphatically clear about not wanting that. That said, when she got wind of me seeing someone, “K”, she not long after told me she’d be happy to talk about other women if it would help me, but admitted that would be “hard” because her “feelings had evolved”. “There was more to the relationship than she thought”, and so on.

So with her having said that via text, I made a point of us talking about it when we next the night together. RE things having “evolved”, she said “from a dinosaur to a bird”, i.e. not much had actually changed, but regardless I realised that part of me had opened up to the idea of being with her and made me feel a bit vulnerable and anxious. I realise she has an incredible amount to offer as a partner, and I have a lot I can give her back too.

After this (she’s just bought her own place and I’d helped her move in), she wanted to spend some time by herself, just trying to “be” and help her decide what she wants. We still spoke a lot via text. This includes another conversation where she said she was still working out what she “wants” and “what she’s allowing herself to have”, and some pretty spicy exchanges before we next saw each other where we spent the whole weekend together. She made a point of making sure we had that time.

During that weekend, I told her I would like for us to find a way to move forward together. It wouldn’t necessarily change a lot immediately, I still wouldn’t really want to “restrict” her, outside of wanting to move toward something monogamous, which she said she can’t do and her reasons for that. I’m also mindful of things she *didn’t* say: no comment was made on whether she would like or not like to find any way to move forward in any sense. To quote the philosopher O’Malley: no response *is* a response.

Now, all this time I’ve still been seeing K. I made a point of making sure both of them were aware of the other and what was involved to make sure there’s no deceit and K is absolutely one of my people. I earnestly want to at least be friends with her if things don’t work out romantically. Instead of just throwing all my attention toward making things work with K, however, instead I’m starting to question if I would be comfortable with an open relationship with B? Maybe if I was the main? Would she even want me to be the main? I’ve been challenging established preconceptions I had about what a relationship can or cannot be. I’m just not sure if I want to go into another conversation with her so quickly after the last, if at all.

While I’m not yet in a position where I need to make a decision, I wonder if there is a decision to be made, and does it even start with me? Does B want me? Is she wanting to keep me around? Unsure of what she really wants? Am I an idiot for questioning my thoughts instead of pursuing K?

Thanks Doc

Betty Or Veronica?

DEAR BETTY OR VERONICA: Serious question, BoV: do you actually want an open relationship? Or is it that B is pulling back and you’re reacting to that instead?

There are other issues to consider here, but let’s start with making sure you understand your own mind before we worry about those. You want to make sure that you are making decisions based on what is actually good for you, rather than what is appealing in the moment.

One of the most tired cliches in dating is “we instinctively chase that which runs from us”. This is part of why “playing hard to get” has been one of the hoariest of dating strategies out there – everything from the “three days” rule for when to call to the entire philosophy that underpins The Rules. But it’s a cliché for a reason. Being told we can’t have something is a time-honored method of increasing demand; all you have to do is check eBay whenever a new shiny toy comes out and demand outstrips supply. People were paying double MSRP for Wii’s, Switches and PS5s, just because they couldn’t wait any longer for production to catch up.

The same thing happens in relationships. When you’re used to having someone’s attention and affection and it’s suddenly not there anymore, you feel the lack even more sharply than you did the attention. Even if you weren’t as into them as they were into you, there’s an almost atavistic response to try to get that attention back. It’s why you see so many stories of folks who don’t seem to care about their partner right up until they get dumped. Now, suddenly, they’re almost frenzied in trying to get them back. Sometimes this is because the loss made them realize their true feelings… but a lot of time, it’s simply because the vacuum sucks them in.

Now to be fair to you: you were already starting to come around to thinking that maybe B could be a good match after all. So it’s certainly possible that this isn’t just the sudden absence talking. But also to be fair to B: she told you from the start that she didn’t want you catching feelings. And while her feelings may have “evolved”, they don’t seem to have evolved far enough to make her want a committed relationship. And that right there is one of the big bad complications waiting in the wings.

The other, of course, is K.

Right now, you’re deep in your feels and I think it’s making you put the cart before the horse. B hasn’t said one way or another about wanting something more serious or monogamous – with you or anyone else, for that matter. She said her feelings have “evolved from dinosaur to bird” but not what that means. Does that mean that maybe she’s realzing that she has feelings for you? Or does it mean that even if the relationship is casual, she’s not cool with sharing? Or maybe she’s realizing that she may be more open to non-monogamy… but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re going to be her primary partner.

You also don’t say how K feels about all of this. There’s nothing in your letter about whether K is interested in anything more than a casual connection, nothing about whether she’s open to an ENM relationship or how she feels about all of this. Yes, she is presumably ok with you seeing other folks when it’s all casual, but your catching feelings for someone might change the math.

This is the difference between polyamory and non-monogamy: non-monogamy is simply not being sexually exclusive. Polyamory is having multiple, concurrent, romantic relationships, and that can be a very different beast for people. It’s one thing to be a FWB with someone who has multiple FWBs. It’s another when you’ve gone from being roughly equal to secondary.

And if she gets the feeling that she’s more backup than partner, then you’re going to be dealing with problems on two fronts.

So the first thing I would suggest is to sit with your feelings for a little while and try to determine whether your feelings for her are based out of chasing for something that’s out of reach. This runs the risk of your making decisions less out of what’s best for you and more out of a fear of loss.

If you’re not actually poly, trying for a poly relationship just to keep B around is likely to end in tears. You may want to start trying to see how you would feel if either K or B were entirely out of the picture; imagine that one of them had dipped out with 100% certainty that there was no future relationship with them. How does that change things? Are you less conflicted about your feelings for B? More? What about K? does the idea of giving up K to have a relationship with B change how you feel? Or does it clarify things for you?

While you’re doing this, you need to sit tight and give B time to figure out her own mind and feelings. She said she wanted to sort things out for herself. As of right now, you don’t know what that’s going to be, or what will be on the table when and if she comes back. She may well have decided that your catching feelings for her is a deal breaker, evolution from raptor to chicken not-withstanding. Trying to plan for the relationship in your head runs the very high risk of disappointment if she decides that she can’t do a relationship with you – poly or otherwise – or that you would have to functionally be her side-piece, rather than her primary partner.

You should also talk with K and get her feelings on things. If she’s not down for a poly relationship, then this is going to be a self-solving issue: you get K or B, not both.

And believe me, I’ve seen a lot of folks do the “Well, if this is the only way I can be with her” dance. Hell, I’ve officiated marriages where someone had a poly-under-duress partner, and it’s rarely a fun time. It takes a pretty particular sort of person to make that work without it being sandpaper to the soul and you have to know yourself very well before deciding that’s you.

If, over the course of this, you think that you really are polyamorous at heart, then now would be the time to start doing some due diligence. I’d suggest starting to educate yourself on the ins and outs of poly and ENM relationships and doing some reading. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino, The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Harvey, and Building Open Relationships by Dr. Liz Powell are good starting points. 

(Full disclosure: Dr. Liz is a friend of mine and they’ve guest-written for this column before).

But for now: work on knowing your own mind and wait for B and K to figure out theirs before you start making any plans. Otherwise, you’re running the risk of trying to have it all and then losing everything in the process.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com