DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Two years ago I started taking classes for a hobby of mine, with the main bulk of the attendees being women. Throughout my life I’ve found that I get along with women more than I do men, and it’s very clear that they enjoy my company and feel safe in my presence. As you can perhaps imagine, it’s been easy for me to form friendships within the group, as well as with any of the newcomers that join us.

Naturally, in circumstances where a guy has good relationships with the opposite sex, these friends of mine often wonder why I am single. By all accounts, I’m a cool dude. I don’t really have an answer for it, but there’s a couple of moments which have put me off from even trying.

During my first year at the class, there was a girl (A) who was a regular attendee. We got along well, and always had a good laugh or two. Many of us in the group had exchanged numbers to set up a group chat and arrange meet-ups, but she initiated a text conversation one-on-one for an unremarkable reason. She went on to initiate all of our conversations over text, always with a bit of banter, and this would usually happen after the classes despite having talked during them. From my understanding, these were all positive signs of a good connection and comfort level, as well as potential romantic feelings. After a few months of this going on, I discovered we had a shared interest in another hobby, so I invited her to join me for an event (that I was going to regardless). She declined and stated she was busy, but suggested another rough time-frame that we could do something. When I inquired as to when she might be free, she didn’t reply. In these situations I only ask once, so I bowed out gracefully.

She stopped attending the classes after that conversation. We did briefly reconnect a couple of months later when she messaged me to say she was returning, but she never came back and has been absent for over a year now.

These things happen. Unfortunately, they seem to happen consistently for me.

Fast forward twelve months, and there’s another girl (K) who joins our classes. We spoke on occasion, but nothing substantial. We did eventually exchange numbers, and it was then she began initiating conversations fairly frequently, and with much enthusiasm. On top of this, her interactions with me at the classes developed into a lot of playfulness, which again I took as positive signs. Once again, I learned we had a shared interest in another hobby, and so I extended an invitation for her to join me at an event. She accepted, and for weeks seemed very eager to go, but she cancelled at the last second.

Since then I’ve seen her at the classes, and while she will still talk to me if I approach, it’s clear from her behavior that there is a lot more distance. For instance, she no longer comes up to me to start a conversation, and she doesn’t make eye-contact when we talk. I will, of course, respect this distance.

On both these occasions, I’ve poured over text conversations and revisited interactions in my mind to try and piece together what, if anything, I have done wrong for these women to do a complete 180 in terms of their attitude towards me, and I’ve have had friends look at these conversations and declare I’ve done nothing bad. I went as far as to ask one of the other women at my class if I had ever done or said anything that would make a woman feel uncomfortable, and she confirmed that I was an incredible guy and was amazed I am single.

I understand it may very well not be anything that I have done, but the very idea that I may have made them feel uncomfortable is upsetting to me. It also annoys me that these relationships have been damaged, as I enjoyed their company (especially the second girl). It feels like these women have pushed for something more, but then have pulled back entirely when I do reciprocate. At the same time as being rejected, I’m also losing a friend in the process. This has happened at other times in my life as well, but these are the most recent.

As someone who doesn’t get a lot of romantic interest from women, it’s hard not to take things personally and to put me off the idea of dating entirely.

Three Times Is A Pattern

DEAR THREE TIMES IS A PATTERN: This is another one of those times where, absent documenting every interaction, text and conversation you’ve had with these women, it’s really hard to make any sort of substantive declaration about what you may or may not have done wrong.

However, there’re a couple things in your letter that I think at least hint at things that you should consider examining in yourself and asking if maybe there’s something you should be dealing with.

The first thing is that I think you take things far too personally when there’s absolutely no reason to, and I think you do so in a way that limits your ability to actually learn from these experiences and move forward. In the first example you give, nothing in what you describe suggests that A leaving the class has anything to do with you. Unless you were acting especially egregiously with her, I honestly think that whatever reason she had to drop out wasn’t related to you at all. You mention that you’ve had friends go over those texts; presumably they would’ve said “hey you’re kinda being a creeper as what creeps” if there was anything there.

The fact of the matter is that s—t happens, and s—t occasionally happens in ways that just happen to line up with what you were doing. Absent actual evidence that you had anything to do with A leaving and not rejoining the class, I think you can rest assured that this was just pure happenstance – bad timing that her being busy either escalated or other things were going on that meant that she had to leave the class and hasn’t been able to come back to it.

I would also point out that there’re plenty of times when folks may have every intention of returning to a project, class, interest group or whatnot but just don’t. Sometimes it’s bad luck, with one damned thing happening after another. Other times, they’ve gotten distracted or interrupted and by the time they came back up for air, the window of opportunity closed. Hell, sometimes it’s a hyperfixation thing and when the hyperfixation fades, that project/class/hobby/whatever becomes a source of stress and folks ditch it. This is how a lot of folks with ADHD end up collecting and discarding hobbies and have closets full of half-finished crap to show for it. ��ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

I would also point out that you give up very easily, especially in the face of a not-particularly strong refusal. “Hey, I’m busy that week, but I should be available around $TIME_FRAME” can be a soft no, but it can also be a “I don’t know what my exact schedule is, but let’s aim for this time and see”. I think it would’ve been fine to say “ok, want to tentatively choose a day, or would it be better to check in with you then?” If she didn’t answer one way or the other, I’d give it a day or two and then say “hey, circling back around, I wanted to double check if you’re still free around $TIME_FRAME”.

And honestly, I think it would’ve been fine to say “hey, you haven’t been to class in a couple of days, is everything ok?” That’s not being pushy, that’s just being a concerned classmate and friend. That might’ve at least given you an idea of what’s up, instead of leaving you with nothing but speculation and guesswork that you eventually turned inward.

I do have to wonder if this “bowing out gracefully” tends to look like “pulling back entirely” and leaving the impression that you’re hurt, no longer interested in them or otherwise were only interested in them as a potential date. That would definitely change the tone of the relationship between you and them and make them question just what you were looking for from them. While I doubt that had much to do with A leaving the class, it might explain why things changed with K and why she seems different now.

The other thing I’ve noticed in your letter is that I think you get a little excited when you feel like you’re getting interest from someone, and I suspect that this a) lead you to overestimate the level of interest they have, and b) that excitement means you get a little out over your skis.

I think you may have rounded up interest from both of these women to “potential romantic connection” when it was likely friendship with someone you found particularly appealing. And while I can absolutely understand and can relate to getting excited over the idea that someone may be interested in you… I think you let your excitement get away with you.

Now, I ask this as someone who has made this mistake back when I was younger, less experienced and way more excitable: is it possible that with K, you got a little too caught up in the excitement of going to this event to her and that might have motivated her to change her mind? Looking back on the messages between when you asked her to the event and when she bailed, were you going on and on about future plans or getting very intent on what was going to happen?

I ask because a lot of folks who haven’t had a lot of romantic experience (and I’m including myself from back in the day) can go into… let’s call it excitable puppy mode, where your eagerness and enthusiasm can be a little overwhelming. To you (the general you, not you specifically, TTAP) it’s innocuous. But to the person on the receiving end of it, it can be a lot. To them, it feels a lot like dealing with a cartoon puppy who’s always bouncing around going “hey Spike, what’re we doing today Spike huh huh huh, we gonna go chase some cats, I bet we can chase some cats, we’ll chase those cats good, wanna go chase some cats, Spike, let’s go huh huh huh?” That’s not necessarily malicious or even creepy… but it can give the impression that you’re reading too much into it and it definitely can be annoying and exhausting. Even someone who’s excited to go do the thing with you can decide that maybe she’s changed her mind after being on the receiving end of that sort of behavior. As a result… well, you end up snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and turning a “yes, absolutely” into “Oh look I forgot I have to shave my cat that day.”

AGAIN: ASK ME HOW I KNOW.

And to be clear: none of this is to suggest that you’re the bad guy here or that you did anything egregiously wrong. Without having observed everything or having all the transcripts and witness statements, there’s not much to go on – but nothing in your letter suggests that it was bad behavior on your part.

So it may be worth asking some of your friends if you’ve got a little too much golden retriever puppy energy with folks you’ve just met and if you need to slow your roll a bit. I get that the infrequency of the attention means that you feel like you need to leap on the opportunity, but I suspect that you’re getting more worked up than the situation merits and then being disappointed when it fizzles. I also think you need to not take everything personally, especially when there’s no actual reason to suggest that you were the root cause of someone’s actions. Most people have things going on in their lives that have absolutely nothing to do with you.

At the same time: I think you can afford to be a little less reticent in asking someone out or trying again another time. Sometimes “I’m busy” is a soft no, but sometimes it really is that they’re busy and their schedule’s a mess. You’re allowed to follow up later and see; if they are busy once again, well now you can assume that it was a soft “no” and they can come to you if and when they want to do something. And if they do give a soft no, pivoting back to being friends means just continuing to act like a friend. Part of why folks worry about things being awkward is because people make it awkward. If you continue to be the cool guy and good friend and your behavior shows that nothing’s changed between you and A or K or whomever else? Well, there may be some awkward moments, but you can both power through them and get back to being friends like you were before.

Otherwise, just be a little more chill. I suspect that once you do so, you’ll find that interest from women comes a lot more frequently… and you’ll be in a better position to take advantage when it does.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Recently, my relationship ended. We had been together for about six months, and while this was my first relationship, it wasn’t her first. There was no cheating or animosity between us. She was the one who initiated the conversation, and according to her, the reason we broke up was that I couldn’t provide what she needed.

Over the past month since our separation, my mind has been constantly replaying our time together. I keep thinking about what I could have done differently to prevent the breakup or save the relationship. I’m bombarded by “what if” thoughts. It’s gotten so obvious that during our last conversation, my ex asked me to promise her that I’d stop blaming myself. My family and friends have noticed too, and they’ve been telling me the same thing.

I’m hesitant to go into specifics because I don’t think they matter in this case. What I really need is some advice on how to stop blaming myself.

Thanks,

The blamefool

DEAR BLAMEFOOL: I get why you don’t want to go into specifics, BF, but… specifics do kind of help in terms of how to address the situation. It can be important, if nothing else, for avoiding future mistakes; as I’m often saying, just because you think you’re having one problem doesn’t mean that’s actually the problem you need to deal with.

Case in point: you couldn’t provide her with what she needed. OK… but what does that mean? Is what she needed something that you wouldn’t provide rather than couldn’t? Was she asking for something that was actually impossible for you – whether logistically, emotionally or experientially? Was the problem a mismatch of personalities or dating someone who was ultimately incompatible?

The fact that you were only together for six months before this happened suggests to me that there was a fundamental incompatibility at the core of things. Six months isn’t a lot of time and frankly, at that stage, you’re usually well within the honeymoon period. If things were enough that whatever was going on was overpowering the New Relationship Energy, then this was likely a relationship that was going to end no matter what anybody did. Not every relationship is built to last, nor should they, and some simply can’t last no matter how badly you may want it to. It’s like the bards said: sometimes love just ain’t enough.

But for general advice, here’s what I would suggest: let go of the what-ifs. What-ifs are fundamentally useless because they’re predicated on retroactive knowledge. If you’re a regular reader, I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about how you made the best decisions you could at the time, based on the information you had and the circumstances you were under. Well, there’s a follow-up to that consideration: if you’re honest with yourself, is the knowledge you have now something you could have had at the time?

Please notice very carefully that I said could have known, not should. “Should” can be a treacherous word, because it implies fault. In this case, you’re feeling at fault because you’re mourning the loss of the relationship and you’re blaming yourself… and that’s the problem. It’s easy to apply the blame for things after the fact when you feel like s—t, but that’s not always reasonable and almost never helpful. Hence the focus on whether you could have known about what lead to this break up.

So again, I ask: is this knowledge that you would have had access to, had some way to realize the lack of said knowledge, or were in a position to understand or appreciate it if you did have access to it somehow? The odds are very good that, no, no it wasn’t. And if that’s the case… well, all your “what ifs” and “should’ve’s” are just the cudgel you’re beating yourself up with.

What you need to do is focus less on “how could I have prevented this” and more on just accepting that it happened. The odds are good that you couldn’t have changed things without having to be a radically different person – someone closer to who you are now. But since you couldn’t be who you are now without having gone through this, you’re beating yourself up because you weren’t Charles Xavier or Doctor Manhattan… which is just unreasonable.

You’re stuck looking at the past, and you need to embrace your present and future. Yes, this happened. It sucks. You wish it hadn’t and it’s making you sad, but it is what it is. But what you’re feeling isn’t pain, so much as it’s premature enlightenment. It’s knowledge that you didn’t have that came in a way you weren’t ready for. But it’s here now, and in accepting it, you learn from it. You didn’t know then what you know now; now the important thing is to take what happened as an opportunity to grow so that you don’t make the same choices again and end up in the same place. You know differently now, so you’ll make different and better choices in the future. As much as this hurts and as sad as you are, this is the thing that is going to make your future relationships stronger and more fulfilling.

So take this pain, recognize it for what it is. You can’t undo the past, but you can change the future. The things you learn now will make your future better.

And the most important thing I can tell you is very simple: as much as this hurts, it won’t hurt forever. To quote the sage: it can’t rain all the time. This sucks, but this too shall pass, and you’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am an American and I am in a relationship with a man who lives in Far-off Foreign Country With a Very Difficult Housing Market. The original plan was going to be that I would get a job-seeker visa and move to Foreign Country to look for work and live with him while I do it, then rent my own place once I had work and an employment contract. However, things blew up between him and his landlord and now he is scrambling to find another place.

Enter the bureaucracy and resulting relationship drama. In short, the new options for housing for me are:

(1) Rent an AirBnB ($$$, not a lot of month-to-month stability)

(2) Live with his parents (who live in a tiny town in St. Bumf--k, so I wouldn’t have access to the networking/social opportunities of a larger city, and, also, his parents don’t really speak English and I don’t really speak their language, so complex communication is impossible)

(3) I try to rent an apartment in the nearest major metropolitan area to his parents, where the market is less crazy (but I would have very little time with Boyfriend, and would also have to build a new social network somehow in a place where I don’t speak the language. A very lonely existence, in other words)

(4) He negotiates an agreement with his new landlords that I can live with him indefinitely, not just the seven weeks allowable to him under Foreign Country law.

It is the last part that is the sticking point for us. I would like that he ask potential landlords up front whether this is possible and take that into consideration when he signs for a new place. He did for the first few places, but then for the most recent one, the one he was the most seriously interested in, he forgot, and when I asked if he’d call back, he wouldn’t, and said he wasn’t going to be taking this into account with apartments any more, that he’d ask after he signed a lease but not before, and the amount of preferences I was expressing from my own perspective when he asked my opinions about things was stressing him out, and he was drained from apartment hunting again after six months and also from suffering from Long COVID, and he didn’t really want me involved any more.

Anyway, Doctor, I feel like s—t. I was keeping my opinions on places to transportation difficulties for me for getting into the city (that I didn’t feel comfortable driving in Foreign Country, for instance) and ways in which the places he was considering would interact with my disabilities (whether I could live there at all and for how long), not being a precious flower about the drapes.

And while I totally understand the exhaustion and housing worries, I also have a disability! I also have housing insecurities! I have not been able live in the same place for more than six months at a time for the last three YEARS. And through all that, I am taking intensive courses in Foreign Country’s language, learning how Foreign Country’s job hunting and housing search works, dealing with rafts of visa s—t and also not in a language I know well at ALL. If he doesn’t want to put out the effort to ask THIS ONE THING, or at least TRY, I really worry how much he’d be able to help me navigate life here in small and big ways while I am still learning the ropes, and I don’t want to get here only to be left out in the cold. I have a lot of serious worries.

How much energy do I want to put into this? Help.

I Hate Apartments

DEAR I HATE APARTMENTS: IHA, I want to start off by saying that this is a rough situation and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. Your frustration is entirely understandable, all things considered, and I’m not surprised that it’s causing you such stress.

That having been said, this is one of those times when I really wish you’d included a bit more detail about things like your own disabilities and what sort accommodations you would need. That’s information that could really help in terms of how hard it would be to meet them in a very tight housing market, especially in a country where accessibility and accommodation may be held to different standards than they would in the US.

(And considering the sorry state of ACA compliance in the US, that’s really saying something.)

It would also help give more insight into what is possible for you – not preferable, possible – if you were to decide to say “Fine, I’ll do it myself” and find your own place to live.

I would also like to know how long you and your boyfriend have been together and – crucially – whether this has always been a long-distance relationship or if this was a period where the two of you were dating in person for a while before he had to return home overseas. Both of these would also affect the advice I have for you.

But right now all we have is the information in this letter, so I’m going to have to roll with that.

Now right off the top, it does seem like your boyfriend is falling down on his side of things. This is a legally tricky situation, seeing as you’re going to be a foreign resident and needing a place that can accommodate your disabilities, and it’s going to be easier for someone who’s actually in country to do the lion’s share of the legwork. If your mutual goal is for you to live with him, even if only for a while, then yes, I’d say this is something that he should definitely be taking point on. It’s not as though you aren’t doing a lot of prep work on your side of things; getting a crash course in another country’s bureaucracy, immigration and labor laws and oh, yeah, the language all take up a metric f--kton of spoons. It’s not exactly as though you’re sitting around just vision-boarding your new exotic expat life while he’s doing all the heavy lifting.

On the other hand… I have to admit, I have some sympathy for your boyfriend. Leaving aside that moving – even when it’s just you – is a stressful and anxiety-producing experience, there’s also the fact that he may be in a situation where there just isn’t a lot of housing volume, period, and he’s stuck in a “take what you can get” sort of situation. I’ve watched a lot of friends do a similar scramble in the US, especially in some of the bigger cities. Immediately post-lockdown, the Austin housing market went bugf--k after Musk started moving Tesla here. Many friends suddenly found their leases being canceled, not-renewed or were priced out of homes they’d lived in for years, with next to no time to find anything new, and almost nothing that hit the trifecta of a) affordable b) large enough for their household and c) wasn’t a superfund disaster site. Your boyfriend may well be not be looking for a needle in a haystack so much as playing three card monte with haystacks, and someone occasionally yanks the needle out while he’s still looking for it. 

The next thing that I think needs to be kept in mind is that he has Long COVID. I understand the frustration that he forgot (or “forgot”) to ask landlords and property managers about your considerations; it feels like he doesn’t care enough to remember. But considering that some of the major symptoms of Long COVID are brain fog, chronic pain, fatigue and depression, I think there really is a need for some grace and understanding. As someone who has a condition that f--ks with cognition and memory, being told that I would’ve remembered or thought about X if I had cared enough and my “forgetting” just meant I didn’t take it seriously stings a lot. It feels unfair, like an argument that can’t be won, and that any protest to the contrary is taken as proof that you just didn’t care enough, no matter what you actually feel.

The next thing that I think needs to be taken into consideration is that what you’re looking for – a place that will let you stay longer than seven weeks – may simply not be possible. In fact, depending on the country you’re talking about and their laws around visas and immigration, what your boyfriend may be asking for may well be illegal. Overstaying a visa can have consequences, and knowingly enabling that can have consequences on others. Even a sympathetic and compassionate landlord who believes in the power of True Love may not appreciate being in the position of being asked to be accessory to a crime or finding out they’re an accessory after the fact.

So right now, I think what you both really need to do is to take a moment, take a deep breath and take a step back from this discussion. I suspect this is quickly becoming a case where this is no longer about the actual issue at hand and more about you two getting frustrated with each other. That’s making it hard for you two to hear each other without filtering what you’re hearing through that frustration. That’s a tricky place to be in, but all the more so during times of high stress. You both have limited bandwidth and almost all of it is being taken up by the stress of the impending moves – his to a new home and you to a new country. This is why I think the first move is that you need to stop fighting and give each other a second to breathe and collect your thoughts. It’s all too easy to go from “this is a f--king difficult thing to do and what we want may simply not be available in the form we need” to “and this is why you’re a selfish person who doesn’t actually listen to me”.   

One of the most important rules when it comes to solving conflicts in a relationship is to make sure that you’re actually talking about the real issue, not the distractions that come up and take center stage. So if this isn’t a case where you and he have butted heads before on similar issues, then I suspect that the frustration is getting in the way of the problem solving. So taking a moment to cool off and focus on changing the nature of the problem may be necessary if you want this relationship to survive – whether you move overseas with him or not.

And if I’m being honest, I think one of the things you’ll need to do is start talking about where you and he can afford to be flexible in terms of not just your individual requirements, but also what’s available and what your alternative recourses are. You’re dealing with two sets of needs and complications that are butting up against one another, and it may well be that this is a case where the best option is also the Least Bad one. Yeah, you may not want to live with his parents in the middle of Dog’s Ass, Nowhere, but that may be a better option than continuing to fight over finding a place that may simply not exist.

Part of the question, I think, is how immediately you are looking to move. While I completely understand not wanting to delay being with your sweetie any longer than you absolutely have to, I think part of the problem is the pressure to find the perfect answer now. Since it doesn’t seem like there’s a deadline on your side of things yet – you don’t, for example, mention that your lease in the US is about to run out – then you may want to focus on finding a job first, rather than showing up and racing the clock. Even if you don’t get a job with a company that can help with the paperwork and visa process, at least knowing you have a job lined up already means that you don’t have to worry about your visa running out. Taking that time pressure off the table would also give you more time to sort out where you can live and how.

The next thing I would suggest is that you should consider not relying on your boyfriend so much for your support or your social network when you get there. While I get that moving to an entirely new country is intimidating and scary as hell, you’re already seeing a major drawback to one person being the load-bearing wall of your social life. If things fall apart between you and your beau while you’re there, but before you’ve established your own life and social circle, you’re basically s—t out of luck. You’ll be dealing with the very circumstances you were afraid of, but now with the added difficulty of possibly having to find a place to live and knowing that not finding it means having to leave the country.

Don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that your relationship is doomed and you need to plan accordingly. What I am saying is that having your own base of support and comfort in addition to your boyfriend makes things steadier and more secure. A life and social circle that’s separate from your life with your partner is always a good thing; it precludes your partner from needing to be All Things to you and vice versa. Having a job lined up in advance is a good start for this – if nothing else, your co-workers can serve as emotional training wheels while you’re getting used to living in a new country.

However, one thing I think you may want to do is see about making connections before you go. I’d suggest starting to do some research and networking on your own; this is one of the times when social media can be invaluable. Look for relevant groups on Facebook or subreddits for folks who live in that country, especially expats. The expat community can be a valuable resource for not just knowing what to expect but also to help navigate complications and irritations that you might not know to plan for. It also means that you would, at the very least, have connections with people who are already in country and speak your language. They may not be your future BFFs, but knowing that they’re there and you already have access to them might ease some of the anxiety that you’re feeling.

The last thing I’d suggest is that you may want to accept the language difficulties as a challenge rather than a hindrance. Think of this less as a restriction so much as immersive language learning; dealing with day to day life in a foreign language tends to be more conducive to developing fluency than Duo Lingo or Rosetta Stone tapes. While yes, it would mean awkwardness and difficulty in the beginning, you would be taking one restriction off your plate, which may open up more options to you. Staying with his parents, at the very least, would mean that you could be practicing the language skills in a place where you feel slightly more secure and have people who are more likely to be patient and helpful than if you’re flying solo in the middle of a foreign city on your own.

(And considering the nature of things, I think you might be surprised at how many people in New Foreign Country have at least a passing grasp of English. Americans can be weirdly proud of being monolingual, while the rest of the world has long learned that having at least some English eases a lot of headaches.)  

I’m not going to lie: this is a rough situation and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. Give yourself and your boyfriend some breathing room to cool down, then get back to first principles. Figure out what things are necessary, what things are possible under the circumstances and where you can both afford to be flexible. If you find a solution that may be livable at least in the short term, even if it’s uncomfortable or inconvenient, that may work out better for you both than holding out for The Perfect Choice. Sometimes you have to go with the one that sucks the least while you wait for something better to come along.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com