DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How does one have an abundance mentality when one doesn’t actually have anything close to, well, abundance.

So, I get and agree with the theory. If a situation isn’t life or death, you can relax, worry less, take things as they come, not “get over your skis” or be an “excitable puppy” (both your references.

But I have a first date from somebody I met organically about as often as we have leap years and inevitably I get way ahead of myself and do literally every cliche imaginable (be too available, too many small gifts, too much effort, put my own needs and opinions on the back burner in order to be liked etc… etc…) but, like, at the pace I am on, my next first date will be in 2027 and I don’t know how to tone down myself.’

I’ve done the OLD thing (to death) and it yields very little these days positive and has destroyed my confidence so I stopped doing it…I’ve been going to lots of meet new people events/activities but every time I am even vaguely interested in somebody, she’s got a partner and I just know that the next single woman who shows interest is going to be more of the same if I can’t rein in my impulses.

But it’s hard to have an abundance mentality when you’re dying of thirst in the desert

Starving In A Land of Plenty

DEAR STARVING IN A LAND OF PLENTY: OK, SILP, I’m going to give you credit: in the same letter you have a mistaken idea of what an abundance mentality is, while also managing to demonstrate precisely why it’s important.

So here’s the thing about an abundance mentality: it’s not about having so many women’s numbers in your phone that you need a separate hard drive to store them all, any more than it’s about having so many matches on OKCupid or Hinge that your account is getting flagged for fraudulent activity. Nor, for that matter, is it about having women lined up to date or never being without plans for a Saturday night.

It’s very simply about recognizing that there are, quite literally, millions of single women out there in the world and anywhere from thousands to hundreds of thousands in your city alone, and that you don’t need to or want invest so much dire importance on any one person that you treat them as the Alpha and the Omega of your love life. Certainly not before it’s actually time to invest in them, emotionally. That one person, no matter how lovely they may be as an individual, isn’t such a rare beast that if you don’t make them the center of your universe, you will doom yourself to die alone, forgotten and unloved.

It is, in the words of Tim Minchin, recognizing that “our love is one in a million, you couldn’t buy it at any price/ But of the nine point nine nine nine Hundred thousand other possible loves/ Statistically some of them would be equally nice.”

Your letter is actually an example of why a scarcity mentality is something to break out of. You say it yourself: you have gotten so worked up about this date that you more or less skinned yourself and turned yourself into a doormat for someone you barely know, because you have convinced yourself that she is the last and only chance you have for love. And so you lost your goddamn mind and displayed so much neediness and a complete lack of self-worth that you wrecked any chance you had of actually making any sort of connection with this person. The attraction and interest she might have had gets overwhelmed by you demonstrating that you don’t have any feeling of value for yourself or your time and signaling that a relationship with you is going to be consumed with your begging her for attention and constant reassurance, of always asking her to manage your emotions for you and – crucially – that you will never actually trust your connection with her.

And that last part is really important. There are reasons why constant neediness is profoundly unattractive that aren’t just “it makes you look sad and pathetic”. That sort of insecurity is the sort of thing that frequently and easily curdles into mistrust, suspicion, bitterness and resentment. It’s not just the stereotypically toxic “abusers” who start getting controlling and insisting on knowing where their partners are at all times; the desperately insecure and needy do too. Abuse isn’t the sole territory of the aggressive and macho. Plenty of “nice guys” have their own face-heel turn in the name of their anxiety and fear that their partner is about to leave them.

An abundance mentality is a reminder that you want to come to women with a mindset of “what makes you worth my time?” Not because you’re King Turd IV of Hot S--t Mountain and all must pay obeisance, but because all of our time in this life is limited, and we don’t want to spend it on people who just aren’t right for us. You want to go into these interactions – whether you’re talking to a complete stranger or meeting on a first date – with an eye towards seeing if this is someone who has the qualities that make them a good match for you. You want to find out whether they’re someone who would be a good partner for you and that they are someone that you would want to spend your limited time with.  

Similarly, it’s a reminder that you don’t invest emotionally in someone until it’s actually time to invest in them, nor do you put this person on some sort of pedestal where you have to supplicate to them like you’re making sacrifices to a statue of Zeus in order to gain their attention and approval. In fact, the whole point is to recognize that if someone isn’t worth your time, then the best use of that time is to move on instead, knowing that there’re better options out there, instead of breaking yourself to pieces in hopes that they might take pity on you.

Yes, I’m sure that person is lovely and there are amazing things about them… but there are other people out there who are equally amazing and who are a better fit for you. It’s far better to go off in search of them than it is to shred your dignity while you desperately try to make a square block fit into a round hole.

By the same token, having an abundance mentality is part of how you develop your confidence, so that you have both the courage and the drive to meet more people, whether in person or on dating apps, deliberately or because you put yourself into fortune’s path. It means that while a rejection may sting, it ultimately means very little other than this person simply wasn’t right for you, and you are now free to meet someone who is, rather than wasting your time trying to change their mind.

And I’m going to be blunt here: it means that you give up this whingey, self-pitying s--t of “oh I am doomed to never meet another person until the far flung future, when I shall make the exact same mistakes again.” No, my dude, that’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy, something you’re priming yourself for by insisting that this is what you’re stuck with. You’re not dying of thirst in a desert, you’re passing by dozens and dozens of water fountains because you don’t dare try to take a drink. A scarcity mentality means that you give up at the first thought of difficulty or failure, taking the slightest setback as reason to give up or to not bother trying in the first place and waiting until the stars are perfectly aligned to try again.

An abundance mentality means that if one person has a partner, then you make friends and see if she has a single friend that she might introduce you to. Or you ask her to introduce you around to other people in the group and as you mix and mingle, meet other folks who might be of interest. You take more of an active role in meeting people, not letting setbacks wreck you that it takes you longer and longer to pull yourself back together, making yourself a little sadder each time. You exercise your social skills, you get more comfortable meeting people and work on being someone that people like to get to know and spend time with instead of someone who begs for scraps of attention like a lost puppy. Why? Because there’re lots of people out there who are looking for someone like you and by god when you meet them you are going to be ready, instead of hoping that one day, the gods will look down, sigh and say “ok, fine”.

Otherwise, you’re just going to keep having this same experience and wondering why even the people you think should be having worse luck than you are finding dates and you’re still crying over the last one that got away. Trust me: I’ve been there and done that and I can tell you with certainty that the end of that road leads to a place that’s toxic for everyone involved.

So instead of freaking out and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, get up, dust yourself off and say “ok, how can I do better next time?” and then go out and make next time happen.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 35 year old man with an annoying problem: I’m having a hard time orgasming during partnered sex. This is a relatively new thing for me. Before now, I’ve been pretty standard in terms of my sexual response via penetration. I hadn’t been a two pump chump but I also have never been able to go for long periods of time either, which has always been fine with me and my partners. However, with the last few sexual encounters I’ve had, it’s gone one of two ways. Either I would get somewhat close to orgasming (I could feel things starting to build) but could never get all the way there or I just never even got to the build-up and was just thrusting away until either it was getting uncomfortable for my partners or I just gave up entirely and finished myself off later. 

This has been exclusively an issue during partnered PIV sex. I’ve never been able to get off from oral, even though I enjoy it) and I can get myself off just fine when it’s just me. I don’t know if it’s the condoms (I have HSV-2, so they’re non-negotiable) or what, but it’s getting frustrating to me. My various partners have been very kind about it, but I can tell that they’re frustrated too. 

What do I do, Doc? 

Don’t Want No Thirty One Minute Man  

DEAR DON’T WANT NO THIRTY ONE MINUTE MAN: This is a condition that’s called anorgasmia, DWNTOMM, and trying to diagnose the cause is usually a process of elimination. Since this is a relatively recent phenomena for you, the first thing I would suggest is to look at what may have changed, recently.

One of the first things I would do is check on any new medications you may have started, especially if you’ve started taking an SSRI or similar drug, or if you’ve started taking medication for conditions like high blood pressure or prescription painkillers. There are a number of drugs that can make it harder for men (and people with prostates and penises) to reach orgasm during sex.

Similarly, I’d suggest to look at whether you were using the same condoms as usual; if you’re used to a particular brand with a specific thickness, texture or lubrication, then changing that might make a difference in terms of sensitivity and sensation which could delay your orgasm past the point where you or your partner would be comfortable continuing. The same with any supplemental lubricants you might be using – it’s possible that you may have been using enough that you reduced the amount of friction you needed to achieve orgasm.

There’s also a question as to whether you’ve been drinking or using other intoxicants(cannabis – including CBD or Delta-8/9 products – and cocaine in particular). “Whiskey dick” is a very well-known phenomena, especially as we get older and our tolerance for booze and drugs changes. Limiting the amount you drink, smoke or otherwise consume can help you avoid similar frustrations in the future.

The next thing I would suggest is to ask how aroused you may have been with your partners, how attracted to them you were. I’d also recommend taking a look at whether there’ve been any issues in your life that’ve been affecting you mentally or emotionally. Stress can affect not just your libido, but also your sexual response, making it harder for you to get off. Or if you’ve had issues with your self-image – something that may make you feel less attractive or sexually desirable – then that may be a factor. The whole “the brain is your biggest sexual organ” may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason, and if you’re not feeling yourself, it can make things harder for you.

Er… as it were. 

I’d also recommend that you talk to a urologist. While 35 is fairly young for prostate problems, it is a possibility and can frequently cause issues with orgasm. They may recommend a blood draw to test for any issues with Little Man ‘Tate; if they do, then do your best to avoid orgasm or vigorous exercise (especially bike riding) for 48 hours in order to get an accurate read on your PSA count.

Now the one thing that you said that pinged for me was that you can still get off through masturbation. One thing you may want to pay attention to is how you’re masturbating: are you using your hand, an insertion toy or something a little more outré like the ol’ JD Vance special?

(No, seriously; some folks discover masturbation by rubbing themselves against a pillow or sticking their penis in between cushions or between the mattress and box spring.)

If you’re using your hand – or using something that has a strong texture or pressure, like the aforementioned cushions – you might be using a level of pressure, texture or friction that the human body can’t reproduce. This is what’s known as an “idiosyncratic masturbation technique” or more colloquially known as “death grip syndrome”, and that makes it a lot more difficult to get off with a partner. This might be something that you may not have realized you were doing at first: gripping a little harder if you were having a harder time getting off or sitting in a way that was putting pressure on your prostate that you aren’t doing during partnered sex.

If you’re gripping it and ripping it, then you’re training your penis to respond to that particular level of pressure, and it’s not going to be as responsive to the less intense pressure of a vagina, mouth or anus. The key then is to essentially retrain your junk – using the barest amount of pressure to masturbate and accepting that if you don’t get off, you don’t get off until you do respond to something more attainable by a human body. If you aren’t sure of your ability to keep yourself from grabbing a little harder when you’re trying to get over the falls, you may want to look into a masturbation sleeve like a Fleshlight or a Tenga Flip. This can help retrain your orgasmic response to something that you will encounter with another person.

Now, assuming that you have a clean bill of health and you’ve eliminated other possibilities, one thing you may want to do is adjust how you’re having sex with your partners. For one, you may want to consider adding a few drops of lube to the inside of the condom, to help add a little sensation and motion. And I do mean “drops”; you don’t want so much that you risk the condom sliding off. You may also want to consider a little prostate play when you’re almost-but-not-quite there. Even a little pressure between your scrotum and your anus can help nudge you over as well as make the orgasm a lot more intense.

Alternatively, if penetration isn’t going to get you there, you could always let your partner jerk you off to finish instead of doing it yourself later. It can even be kind of hot with a little dirty talk or a little of a dom/sub dynamic.

Regardless, however, I’d still recommend talking to your doctor, just in case. This is one of those areas where it’s better safe than sorry, especially if it turns out that there’s something that you need to be paying attention to.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How do you date if your depression isn’t fixable?

I’m 49 and when I say I have tried everything in forty years I don’t mean “ha ha I’ve tried everything”, I mean I have literally tried everything…dozens of different anti-depressants, five psychiatrists, CBT (a full IRL course held by one of the top shrinks in the province), exercise, magic mushrooms, and on and on…the only things left to try are either super illegal or scary as hell (electro shock therapy).

I go to 6-10 events a month where meeting people is either a focus or a part of the experience (i.e. pickleball, bar trivia etc..etc..) and while I have made some friends, I haven’t even come close to landing a date let alone ending my 7 years of celibacy. I try very hard to have positive energy but I am not, nor capable of being, the happy go lucky people magnet I’d love to be.

I try to be my authentic self and while I know it’s entirely possible to be unlucky for long stretches of time, I worry that I can’t fix one of the core problems that must surely be part of the problem.

I don’t know what else to try. I am getting to the point where I feel worn down and mostly just want to stay home.

Down Down In Brain Goblin Town

DEAR DOWN DOWN IN BRAIN GOBLIN TOWN: Depression is a monster. And worse, it’s a monster that doesn’t even necessarily look the way you expect. For some, it’s being down in the dumps – the classic “feeling sad, lonely and blue, no matter what”. For others it’s simply feeling worthless or that everything is pointless and hell, sometimes it’s not feeling anything at all; just an ever-present gray numbness that saps the energy, life and vitality out of everything. In some ways, that can be the worst – imagine how it would feel if everything, including your formerly favorite foods, had no taste or smell, only texture. How quickly would that start to feel like an inescapable hell?

I’m truly sorry that your depression is so resistant to treatment. I will say that electroconvulsive therapy (the “electro-shock” you mention) only sounds scary. I know it conjures up images of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest or horror scenes set in haunted asylums, but in practice it’s nothing of the sort. It’s a very gentle procedure that’s done under a muscle relaxant and general anesthesia. You don’t arc or flop around, the lights don’t flicker and you’re not coming out of it drooling and insensate. In fact, the only physical indication is a slight tensing of the fingers and toes. It has a very strong track record of actually helping with symptoms of treatment-resistant depression and working very quickly, so it may be worth talking with your doctors about the option. I’d say find out more, if only so that you don’t have the terrifying images of what the therapy actually looks like.

But I’m not here to tell you how to cure your depression, I’m here to tell you how to try to live with it. I’m stressing live with it, because that’s the critical part. I think you’re trying to live like you don’t experience it and that’s a part of the problem. Sometimes the only thing to do is to learn to work with and adapt around things, rather than trying to force it away, and that only serves to make things harder. And honestly, there are only two things that I would tell you.

The first is that having depression doesn’t mean that you can’t be loved or don’t deserve to be, nor do you need to not have depression in order to find love. Things can be difficult – it’s hard to feel good about a relationship when nothing feels good – but that’s a challenge, not an impossibility. If you have friends and you’re capable of maintaining those friendships, then you’re capable of finding love. It means finding the right people, which will be a challenge, and it means working within your limits, which can be maddening. But a challenge is different than “impossible”. 

At the risk of making a cheesy, Tumblr-esque comparison, I’d suggest that maybe you should consider the case of Eeyore. Yes, Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. And yes, I’ll be the first to say that I’ve mentioned that Eeyore isn’t exactly considered a sex-symbol. But this isn’t about being a sex-symbol. This is about looking at Eeyore and his friends. Because Eeyore, for all that he’s gloomy and always down… he’s still making an effort. He’s there with his friends, taking part as best as he can. He may not be the most enthusiastic, he may not be the most energetic or taking the lead in all the fun and games, he’s still there. He’s still showing up. He’s still participating both to the best of his ability, but also to the best of his capacity.

Those three things are important. Showing up, even when you’re dragging ass and not necessarily feeling it, helps you avoid one of the more pernicious parts of depression: the isolation. It’s very easy to slide into a sort of self-imposed solitary confinement when the depression is especially dire, and once you start, it gets harder and harder to get back out again. Hiding yourself away from the world also hides you away from the goodthings in life, things that boost you and carry you a little further, even if you’re not necessarily feeling it at the time. When you’re isolating yourself, the loneliness and the solitude serve to enhance those feelings (or the lack thereof), let them settle and become the status quo. The longer you stay isolated and lonely, the stronger the depression gets, and the harder it becomes to motivate yourself to push through it.

Trust me: I have been there and done that and I can tell you that the worst times with my depression were always because I had isolated myself from everyone.

But participating is also important because it reminds you that you’re alive. It reminds you that you have choices and options and agency; these are the things that keep you in contact with your friends and loved ones – the people who love you, care about you and have your back. These are some of the people who give you the strength and the desire to push through that fog, to go stay connected with others, even when it feels pointless or like there’s no reason for it. It may not change your mood or lift the numbness that surrounds you, but it does remind you that life is for living, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

And participating to the best of your capacity reminds you that you don’t have to exhaust yourself or break yourself into pieces to be considered part of the group or to maintain your friendships. Your energy levels are low to begin with and depleting them past a certain point can make the depression feel worse. Learning how to manage your energy – when to expend it, when to husband it, how to recover it and what kinds of recovery you’ll need – are an important part of keeping yourself going and not letting everything fall apart.

But the other important thing about Eeyore are his friends. Specifically: they’re not trying to fix him and they’re not demanding that he put on a happy face when he can’t feel happy because it brings them down. They’re just glad he’s there and they want him to know they’re glad. They want him to know that he’s a part of the group and that his showing up means a lot to them.

This is what you want in friends and in potential lovers; you want people who understand that this isn’t something that they need to “cure” or “fix” for you, nor do you want people who think that your depression is something that brings them down. You want folks who are willing to accept you, who will meet you where you are and understand that just because you may not have the full capacity that they do, that doesn’t make you lesser or worth less. It just means that you don’t have the spoons that they do.

The second thing I will tell you is very simple but also very difficult: don’t give up. I don’t just mean on life – but no, seriously, don’t – I mean on not giving up on living. On trying. On continuing to put one foot in front of another, dragging yourself out and finding reasons to go out, to participate in your life beyond the bare minimum and to continue doing your best to build and maintain those relationships.

It’s easy to say and in concept it’s simple to do. But the execution of it is hard, especially when it feels pointless. But it’s that feeling of pointlessness that makes it all the more important. Part of the problem with depression is that depression turns you into a weird sort of shark; there’s nothing you want more than to stop moving, to lay down and be still, but when you stop moving you quit living. The longer you stop, the harder it becomes to start again. And once that sets in… well, that’s when the depression starts to be at its worst and becomes ever harder to break out of.

Now this doesn’t mean going balls to the wall, beating down life’s doors like you’re demanding the money it owes you. Sometimes it means just gritting your teeth and deciding that you’ve got a job to do and you’re going to do it because you’re a goddamn professional. And then you let that sheer determination – or spite, for that matter – power you through until you reach the end of that day and drop back into your bed. And then, the next day, you resolve to yourself that you just need to get through this day. You take it one day at a time, literally, and each day, you learn a little more about what you’ll need to do to get through. You learn a little more about where to apply your limited spoons, how to manage your emotional energy and who to spend it with.

And as you do so, you get those little reminders that depression is a liar and it lies to you in your own voice. You get the physical evidence that your friends love and care for you, that people value you and that you make the world a better place for all of them. You get those little pebbles that you can throw back at the darkness when you feel it closing in, those tiny little specks of light that don’t feel like very much… but in the dark, even a tiny point of light can make a world of difference.

Refusing to give up means doesn’t mean not letting the depression “win” because it’s not about winning. It’s simply about continuing. It’s about remembering and building and loving, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. It’s about pushing the gloom back just a little bit and even that little bit can be enough for that day.

Will it be hard? F—k yes it’ll be hard. You don’t need me to tell you that, you’re living it. There’re going to be more folks who aren’t right for you and who aren’t going to respect that you have depression or what depression means. It’s hard to motivate yourself to pursue relationships when it feels like there’s no point and when you feel like your condition will get in the way.

But the fact that it’s hard doesn’t mean that it’s not worth it. Even at those times when “worth it” is a very small feeling at the bottom of a very deep well. It may be hard to see or feel, but knowing it’s there can make a world of difference, even when things are bad. Having those moments, however small, however sporadic, however little of an impact that it feels like they make means that you got through this day, and the next day will be a little easier. You’ll have the resources and reserves to push through another day – even when you’re doing so through gritted teeth and bloody-minded determination.

And keep going long enough and you might keep going long enough to find a new treatment that helps lift that fog.

Things are hard now, but they won’t be forever. Even when it feels that way. You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com