DOCTOR’S NOTE: Today’s column involves discussion of suicide, suicidal ideation and self-harm.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Okay doc, this is gonna be one of those letters that you get to tear apart because I’m a major a--hole and I need to fix this. I don’t wanna remain deep in denial about how I keep sabotaging my relationships and making people miserable. I’m a little scared of how this is gonna demolish my fragile ego, but it has to be done.

So long story short: I grew up as an HSP with anxiety, bad social skills, and few friends. As an elementary school child, I was the disruptive weird kid who was bullied and also bullied others. I did a lot of public crying and other stupid embarrassing s--t. I wasn’t an a--hole 24/7 this young, it’s more like I was just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to interact with people. Some adults would look on me with disgust, others I would soak up the praise from for being “smart” (making me look like a teacher’s pet later in life and craving adult attention). I always felt alienated from kids my age. My family relationships were mostly fine here, but my parents could be a bit overbearing at times, especially since I needed extra attention due to being a weird fussy dork.

Obviously I was sad and confused at why people didn’t like me, but I didn’t know why yet, so I basically got depressed and became a recluse. I pulled away from people and showed all the classic depression signs. By middle school, I was suicidal, self-harming every day, never talked to anyone, and the few “friendships” I had were pretty s--t and were kinda just us tolerating each other. My reputation went from weird kid to quiet kid, and the bullying increased. I became more self-aware of my bullying behavior at this age, so it faded a little bit. (fyi, it was pretty much all snippy rude comments and random ghosting). I also developed some serious mental disorders that I still haven’t gotten checked out to this day (I think it is OCD and a dissociative disorder). My family knew I had no friends and hated me for it, but didn’t know I was mentally ill. They started treating me rougher (screaming at me more and hitting me once in a while) and I never knew how to deal. I still don’t. But I should definitely mention that I targeted a family member for bullying. Verbal and physical abuse against someone who had a worse life than me and was more vulnerable in many ways. I am not making excuses for this: I know it was wrong and I wish I had not done this. I just don’t know how to talk about it. It feels awkward to mention that you’ve been a bully. I really should say it, though.

Middle school was awful and I knew I was a freak the whole time. One day my mom was screaming at me for being a withdrawn weirdo in the corner and I realized I did need to do something. For my underclassman years, I did social exposure stuff (without a therapist) to get myself some social skills and friends. It was rocky at times, but it worked. By sophomore year, I had a few friends (no real friend group), social skills, no depression, and diminished anxiety/other symptoms. I was very proud and thought I had finally fixed everything wrong with me. BUT I DIDN’T.

Coming into junior year, something weird happened: I dunno what exactly happened to my mood and functioning, but I suddenly felt like pulling away from everyone, and other stuff. It might have been depression, or the fact that I realized I was trans. But one big thing that had happened in sophomore year was I fell in love for the only time (I’m grey-ace, I think) and they got a partner that wasn’t me, so I had a weird sort of meltdown and grey rocked them until we were no longer friends because I didn’t know how to deal with this “rejection” (this is the “nice guy” part btw).

So in junior year I lost my s--t completely. I ghosted all my friends, had more public meltdowns, got bullied by teachers, had my first suicide attempt, and started abusing my parents (mostly verbally). We have LOTS of fights now: they don’t really hit me now, but we get into massive screaming matches all the time (sometimes my fault, sometimes not). I developed a fear of rape and being touched due to the OCD (fortunately I have never been SA’ed, but my OCD was so traumatic that it is practically its own sexual trauma). I came out as trans and my parents didn’t accept it: they said all these terrible things and said “no HRT until 18”. I can live without the HRT, but I hate being misgendered every day.

So the other day me and my parents had a fight and they said that I have to look at myself. I am a complicated person, and while my parents are a--holes and I don’t have peers I can rely on, I do cause a TON of problems for myself. I’m gonna go off to college in another year, so I can get away from all this s--t, but if I don’t deal with myself, everything is gonna follow me and I’m gonna screw myself over again.

My ACTUAL question (sorry for all the context: I just felt like the whole story was needed): how does a person like me, who fights with the parents they hate daily, can’t keep a friend, and has to wrestle a bunch of mental illness, deal with it like an adult? I’m abusive, self-pitying, and mean, but I also am self-aware (well, more than 0%) and know that I have a future beyond suicide. I dunno how I’m gonna do relationships. I rarely have close friends and I rarely fall in love (idk if I am really grey-ace or somehow denying it like an incel who “didn’t want a date anyway”). The self-pity is a big problem, because I’m not very self-aware about when I am self-pitying (I suppose this whole dumb letter counts as a pity party for my “sad” life which is also comfortable and privileged beyond all the stuff I can whine about), and don’t understand it that well anyway. I would get a therapist, but last time I tried me and my parents (who really do want to see me get better and actually do provide me with mental health resources, all basic needs, and internet for looking up stuff) got waitlisted for MONTHS and we quit. I was very discouraged after that. I don’t wanna wait so long since I’m gonna be leaving for college anyway and really don’t have the time to wait for some dumb therapist. I do have Moodgym, but do I NEED anything else? I kinda wanna wait until I can get a therapist as an independent adult (idk how it works though). I don’t want my parents involved with my next psych because I wanna talk about trans stuff/my upbringing/my mental disorders that they don’t know about. Plus I really hate my parents these days and am always lashing out at them (this is the “a--hole” part). They really don’t deserve it because they do a lot to take care of me and make sure I am well but I just have so much resentment and we also scream so much at each other. I can tell it deeply saddens and stresses them. I do carry a lot of self-hate and it’s weird. I am so tired of myself and wanna stop the self-sabotage even though I know it’s all a choice. I know I am too emotional about everything but I just wish somebody knew EVERYTHING that happened and this is as close as I’m comfortably gonna get to that atm.

I don’t trust any other nerd on the internet more than you. 

Told You I’m The Bad Guy

DEAR TOLD YOU I’M THE BAD GUY: I think you’re going to be disappointed TYITBG, because while this may be a Chair Leg of Truth situation, this is not going to go how you expect it to.

You aren’t a bullying, abusive a--hole, TYITBG: you’re someone who’s carrying around a lot of pain and trauma and clearly you are really hurting. I’m not surprised you’re lashing out and responding the way you have been. But to be perfectly blunt: I think the only person you’re really bullying is you.

I mean, right from the jump, you’re going on about having been a highly-sensitive person and how that makes you a “weird fussy dork” who was “always crying in public and other stupid embarrassing s--t”. That’s not a helpful way to talk about yourself and it sounds to me like this is you having absorbed what other people were saying about you and taken it as gospel. But it also ignores that a lot of why children who’re diagnosed or labeled as HSP behave the way they do because they’re frequently overstimulated and have sensory processing issues; they’re not crying because they’re “overly fragile snowflakes”, they’re dealing with not being able to handle the level of noise, light and sensation and to a child that’s f--king intense. As a child you don’t have the coping mechanisms, the experience or even the brain development to handle those things and so you cry, because crying is a way of communicating distress to others.

Yeah, it can be hard for other folks to deal with, but that’s in no small part because they often don’t realize what the problem is and often don’t have the training or resources to handle things. It’s made worse by the way that many insist on trying to force children to behave in the exact same manner no matter what, even when there’re very understandable reasons why that’s a lot harder for some than others – especially if you’re any flavor of neurodivergent. But deviating from the accepted behavior for any reason is treated as either willful misbehavior or a moral failing and so the divergent get punished and told they’re bad for not being able to fall in line effortlessly. Kids will also pick up on that, not because kids are needlessly cruel, but because they are ignorant and take their cues from adults and peers. If the adults are singling a person out for being non-normative, they’ll do so as well, especially if either they’ve been on the receiving end of similar treatment from adults or peers. They’ve been told that’s “normal” and “appropriate”. This is precisely why shows like Sesame Street have been introducing autistic characters and other diverse identities and backgrounds: to show kids that they’re not weird or bad, just a little different from you, that’s all.

So no, I’m not surprised you had a hard time making friends or understanding why people didn’t like you. You had a s--tload of people giving you a hard time for “not fitting in” without understanding why that might have been a challenge for you.

None of this self-blame is helped by the fact that you’re rounding “making snarky comments and random ghosting” up to “bullying” which… no I’m sorry, that’s not bullying. That’s just someone in a s--tty situation trying to cope and protect themselves. Some of what you talk about later comes closer, but we’ll get to that in a moment. Suffice it to say that this is all coming through the filter of your having decided you are ‘bad’ without really thinking that maybe you’ve been dealing with some s--t a child is going to have a hard time dealing with, especially without any support from the adults in your life.

This is an ongoing theme in your letter, starting with how you make derisive comments about “soaking up praise” from teachers and coming off like a teacher’s pet as though that were a bad thing. Or perhaps, instead of being proof that you were just weird and doing everything wrong, you should recognize that this was probably one of the few sources of validation and praise you were getting from anyone, especially since you mention your parents were overbearing at first. I say at first because HOLY HOPPING SHEEP S--T THINGS GET SO MUCH WORSE.

I mean, by middle school, you’re self-harming and having suicidal ideation, you’re isolated and have little social interaction and your parents are screaming at you and hitting you? You’re holding so much pain inside that you’re literally hurting yourself over it, you’re dealing with depression and other issues and the only thing that resembles “support” from your parents are just varying flavors of abuse? GEE, I WONDER WHY YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING  A HARD F--KING TIME, COULD IT BE YOU WERE BEING PUT THROUGH HELL FOR NO F--KING REASON? I wonder why you lash out at others – hmm, I guess it couldn’t because the massive amount of pain you were carrying around and being taught that this is how you treat people who are weaker than you, it’s a goddamn mystery.

Oh except it’s NOT,  because you were a goddamn tween trying to process a lot of pain and trauma with no help, no resources and no clue why this was all happening. The closest you get to real “help” is forcing yourself through DIY exposure “therapy” – something, I might add, that every psychologist and mental health professional will yell about what a bad idea that is –  while your parents continue to be far less than supportive.

This is also why I am not the least f--king surprised that your entire system fell apart in your junior year. This wasn’t improvement, this was six coping mechanisms in a trench coat, trying to make it possible to move through the world right up until you realized you were trans and that blew your entire world apart. 

So now here you are, trying to handle this new understanding about yourself on top of all these ways you’ve been masking for years and you now have parents who neither understand nor respect you or your relationship to your gender, who are actively opposed to your transitioning and who have been – intentionally or not – making things worse with how they treat you. I repeat: GEE, I WONDER WHY YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH THEM, YOUR PEERS, YOUR TEACHERS AND LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE IN YOUR LIFE HAS BEEN SO F--KING FRAUGHT.

You’re not an a--hole, self-pitying bully, TIWTBG, you’re a kid who’s been carrying around trauma and pain for damn near your entire life, who has had no support in terms of handling things and has been told over and over again that this is all your fault because you’re just a bad person. You’re not a bad person, you’re someone who’s been going through trauma after trauma and carrying all sorts of scars and open wounds. Jesus tapdancing F--K, you don’t need the Chair Leg of Truth, you need a hug, a blanket, a cup of tea and some goddamn EMDR.

So what do you do? You go to therapy. Lots of it. This is not an area where you can DIY it via MoodGym or random lifehacks from Reddit or TikTok. This is “you need to be talking to a psychologist and a psychiatrist, preferably ones who understand CPTSD, trans issues and childhood neglect” sort of situation, because you have 17 years of trauma to unpack and release before we even get into how this is an incredibly s--tty time to be trans.

I wish you’d mentioned what sort of therapy or therapist you had gotten waitlisted for, or what other resources you’ve looked into. But I think you would be well served to start looking on your own for finding a therapist in your area. Both Psychology Today and the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists have a referral directory for finding licensed mental health professionals in your area; I think you would be well served to start calling around to find a therapist on your own and start the process. While there are benefits to waiting until college – not the least of which being that you have access to the student health services as part of your tuition – I think getting a start on things now is going to be important for you. If nothing else, starting off with a better understanding of who you are, what you’re dealing with and some basic exercises on how to manage some of these issues will be vital for you as you dive head first into the deep end that is college. And if you’re going to need some form of medication – from anti-depressants to HRT – getting that started now is going to also be incredibly helpful to you. Especially since finding the right medication and minimal effective dose is more art than science.

If you can’t find a therapist in your area or you can’t afford one, I’d recommend checking out these guides from Captain Awkward; they’ll help point you in directions where you can find cheap or even free mental health care until you can manage to get in with a therapist on the regular.

And no, your parents really shouldn’t be involved in your therapy, especially considering how much it involves them. In an ideal world… ok, so we’re well past that, but let’s say “an ideal response to your situation” would be that they’ll cover the bill for your sessions and stay out of it otherwise. Because it’s going to be really f--king hard for you to have the sort of honesty and openness with a therapist if your parents are going to get reports back about what you said.

Now that having been said: once you’re in better working order, have a better grasp on your mental health and are comfortable in your body as a trans person, then it may be worth looking into family therapy and addressing things with your parents in a controlled environment. If it really is a case of “they’re trying their best, but they don’t know what they’re doing” (as opposed to “they’re hateful s--tbags”) and you want to try to repair your relationship with them (and theirs with you) then having a trained third party to mediate and guide the discussions can be invaluable.

But for now? You need to recognize that you’re not this horrible person who’s done horrible things and deserves all the bulls--t that’s been heaped on you. You’re somebody who’s had a rough life, who’s been unsure of how to navigate the world around them and the people who were supposed to be your guides and protectors have failed you. You’re carrying a lot of pain around and it makes you lash out – both because you hurt but also because you’re scared and you’re trying to protect yourself. You need to recognize that a lot of what you’ve been going through is the product of hurt that nobody else would acknowledge as real or valid and you need to forgive yourself for doing the best you could under incredibly unreasonable circumstances.

I’m going to repeat that again for emphasis: you need to forgive yourself. You’re not broken, you’re not a horrible person, you’re not an abusive a--hole, you’re someone who’s hurting and has been hurting for a long time and I don’t think you still fully understand why. So start with forgiving yourself, then work on healing so that you stop hurting. The sooner you start, the sooner the next stage of your life can begin: one where you can start to be the person you always could be, if you’d been given a better chance.

This is going to be hard, it’s going to be unpleasant and it’s going to involve a lot of trial, error, setbacks, heartache and confusion. But when you’re going through hell, sometimes you need to keep on going so that you can make it out to the other side.

But you will get there. You’ll be ok. I promise.

All will be well.  

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How does one have an abundance mentality when one doesn’t actually have anything close to, well, abundance.

So, I get and agree with the theory. If a situation isn’t life or death, you can relax, worry less, take things as they come, not “get over your skis” or be an “excitable puppy” (both your references.

But I have a first date from somebody I met organically about as often as we have leap years and inevitably I get way ahead of myself and do literally every cliche imaginable (be too available, too many small gifts, too much effort, put my own needs and opinions on the back burner in order to be liked etc… etc…) but, like, at the pace I am on, my next first date will be in 2027 and I don’t know how to tone down myself.’

I’ve done the OLD thing (to death) and it yields very little these days positive and has destroyed my confidence so I stopped doing it…I’ve been going to lots of meet new people events/activities but every time I am even vaguely interested in somebody, she’s got a partner and I just know that the next single woman who shows interest is going to be more of the same if I can’t rein in my impulses.

But it’s hard to have an abundance mentality when you’re dying of thirst in the desert

Starving In A Land of Plenty

DEAR STARVING IN A LAND OF PLENTY: OK, SILP, I’m going to give you credit: in the same letter you have a mistaken idea of what an abundance mentality is, while also managing to demonstrate precisely why it’s important.

So here’s the thing about an abundance mentality: it’s not about having so many women’s numbers in your phone that you need a separate hard drive to store them all, any more than it’s about having so many matches on OKCupid or Hinge that your account is getting flagged for fraudulent activity. Nor, for that matter, is it about having women lined up to date or never being without plans for a Saturday night.

It’s very simply about recognizing that there are, quite literally, millions of single women out there in the world and anywhere from thousands to hundreds of thousands in your city alone, and that you don’t need to or want invest so much dire importance on any one person that you treat them as the Alpha and the Omega of your love life. Certainly not before it’s actually time to invest in them, emotionally. That one person, no matter how lovely they may be as an individual, isn’t such a rare beast that if you don’t make them the center of your universe, you will doom yourself to die alone, forgotten and unloved.

It is, in the words of Tim Minchin, recognizing that “our love is one in a million, you couldn’t buy it at any price/ But of the nine point nine nine nine Hundred thousand other possible loves/ Statistically some of them would be equally nice.”

Your letter is actually an example of why a scarcity mentality is something to break out of. You say it yourself: you have gotten so worked up about this date that you more or less skinned yourself and turned yourself into a doormat for someone you barely know, because you have convinced yourself that she is the last and only chance you have for love. And so you lost your goddamn mind and displayed so much neediness and a complete lack of self-worth that you wrecked any chance you had of actually making any sort of connection with this person. The attraction and interest she might have had gets overwhelmed by you demonstrating that you don’t have any feeling of value for yourself or your time and signaling that a relationship with you is going to be consumed with your begging her for attention and constant reassurance, of always asking her to manage your emotions for you and – crucially – that you will never actually trust your connection with her.

And that last part is really important. There are reasons why constant neediness is profoundly unattractive that aren’t just “it makes you look sad and pathetic”. That sort of insecurity is the sort of thing that frequently and easily curdles into mistrust, suspicion, bitterness and resentment. It’s not just the stereotypically toxic “abusers” who start getting controlling and insisting on knowing where their partners are at all times; the desperately insecure and needy do too. Abuse isn’t the sole territory of the aggressive and macho. Plenty of “nice guys” have their own face-heel turn in the name of their anxiety and fear that their partner is about to leave them.

An abundance mentality is a reminder that you want to come to women with a mindset of “what makes you worth my time?” Not because you’re King Turd IV of Hot S--t Mountain and all must pay obeisance, but because all of our time in this life is limited, and we don’t want to spend it on people who just aren’t right for us. You want to go into these interactions – whether you’re talking to a complete stranger or meeting on a first date – with an eye towards seeing if this is someone who has the qualities that make them a good match for you. You want to find out whether they’re someone who would be a good partner for you and that they are someone that you would want to spend your limited time with.  

Similarly, it’s a reminder that you don’t invest emotionally in someone until it’s actually time to invest in them, nor do you put this person on some sort of pedestal where you have to supplicate to them like you’re making sacrifices to a statue of Zeus in order to gain their attention and approval. In fact, the whole point is to recognize that if someone isn’t worth your time, then the best use of that time is to move on instead, knowing that there’re better options out there, instead of breaking yourself to pieces in hopes that they might take pity on you.

Yes, I’m sure that person is lovely and there are amazing things about them… but there are other people out there who are equally amazing and who are a better fit for you. It’s far better to go off in search of them than it is to shred your dignity while you desperately try to make a square block fit into a round hole.

By the same token, having an abundance mentality is part of how you develop your confidence, so that you have both the courage and the drive to meet more people, whether in person or on dating apps, deliberately or because you put yourself into fortune’s path. It means that while a rejection may sting, it ultimately means very little other than this person simply wasn’t right for you, and you are now free to meet someone who is, rather than wasting your time trying to change their mind.

And I’m going to be blunt here: it means that you give up this whingey, self-pitying s--t of “oh I am doomed to never meet another person until the far flung future, when I shall make the exact same mistakes again.” No, my dude, that’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy, something you’re priming yourself for by insisting that this is what you’re stuck with. You’re not dying of thirst in a desert, you’re passing by dozens and dozens of water fountains because you don’t dare try to take a drink. A scarcity mentality means that you give up at the first thought of difficulty or failure, taking the slightest setback as reason to give up or to not bother trying in the first place and waiting until the stars are perfectly aligned to try again.

An abundance mentality means that if one person has a partner, then you make friends and see if she has a single friend that she might introduce you to. Or you ask her to introduce you around to other people in the group and as you mix and mingle, meet other folks who might be of interest. You take more of an active role in meeting people, not letting setbacks wreck you that it takes you longer and longer to pull yourself back together, making yourself a little sadder each time. You exercise your social skills, you get more comfortable meeting people and work on being someone that people like to get to know and spend time with instead of someone who begs for scraps of attention like a lost puppy. Why? Because there’re lots of people out there who are looking for someone like you and by god when you meet them you are going to be ready, instead of hoping that one day, the gods will look down, sigh and say “ok, fine”.

Otherwise, you’re just going to keep having this same experience and wondering why even the people you think should be having worse luck than you are finding dates and you’re still crying over the last one that got away. Trust me: I’ve been there and done that and I can tell you with certainty that the end of that road leads to a place that’s toxic for everyone involved.

So instead of freaking out and snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, get up, dust yourself off and say “ok, how can I do better next time?” and then go out and make next time happen.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 35 year old man with an annoying problem: I’m having a hard time orgasming during partnered sex. This is a relatively new thing for me. Before now, I’ve been pretty standard in terms of my sexual response via penetration. I hadn’t been a two pump chump but I also have never been able to go for long periods of time either, which has always been fine with me and my partners. However, with the last few sexual encounters I’ve had, it’s gone one of two ways. Either I would get somewhat close to orgasming (I could feel things starting to build) but could never get all the way there or I just never even got to the build-up and was just thrusting away until either it was getting uncomfortable for my partners or I just gave up entirely and finished myself off later. 

This has been exclusively an issue during partnered PIV sex. I’ve never been able to get off from oral, even though I enjoy it) and I can get myself off just fine when it’s just me. I don’t know if it’s the condoms (I have HSV-2, so they’re non-negotiable) or what, but it’s getting frustrating to me. My various partners have been very kind about it, but I can tell that they’re frustrated too. 

What do I do, Doc? 

Don’t Want No Thirty One Minute Man  

DEAR DON’T WANT NO THIRTY ONE MINUTE MAN: This is a condition that’s called anorgasmia, DWNTOMM, and trying to diagnose the cause is usually a process of elimination. Since this is a relatively recent phenomena for you, the first thing I would suggest is to look at what may have changed, recently.

One of the first things I would do is check on any new medications you may have started, especially if you’ve started taking an SSRI or similar drug, or if you’ve started taking medication for conditions like high blood pressure or prescription painkillers. There are a number of drugs that can make it harder for men (and people with prostates and penises) to reach orgasm during sex.

Similarly, I’d suggest to look at whether you were using the same condoms as usual; if you’re used to a particular brand with a specific thickness, texture or lubrication, then changing that might make a difference in terms of sensitivity and sensation which could delay your orgasm past the point where you or your partner would be comfortable continuing. The same with any supplemental lubricants you might be using – it’s possible that you may have been using enough that you reduced the amount of friction you needed to achieve orgasm.

There’s also a question as to whether you’ve been drinking or using other intoxicants(cannabis – including CBD or Delta-8/9 products – and cocaine in particular). “Whiskey dick” is a very well-known phenomena, especially as we get older and our tolerance for booze and drugs changes. Limiting the amount you drink, smoke or otherwise consume can help you avoid similar frustrations in the future.

The next thing I would suggest is to ask how aroused you may have been with your partners, how attracted to them you were. I’d also recommend taking a look at whether there’ve been any issues in your life that’ve been affecting you mentally or emotionally. Stress can affect not just your libido, but also your sexual response, making it harder for you to get off. Or if you’ve had issues with your self-image – something that may make you feel less attractive or sexually desirable – then that may be a factor. The whole “the brain is your biggest sexual organ” may be a cliché, but it’s a cliché for a reason, and if you’re not feeling yourself, it can make things harder for you.

Er… as it were. 

I’d also recommend that you talk to a urologist. While 35 is fairly young for prostate problems, it is a possibility and can frequently cause issues with orgasm. They may recommend a blood draw to test for any issues with Little Man ‘Tate; if they do, then do your best to avoid orgasm or vigorous exercise (especially bike riding) for 48 hours in order to get an accurate read on your PSA count.

Now the one thing that you said that pinged for me was that you can still get off through masturbation. One thing you may want to pay attention to is how you’re masturbating: are you using your hand, an insertion toy or something a little more outré like the ol’ JD Vance special?

(No, seriously; some folks discover masturbation by rubbing themselves against a pillow or sticking their penis in between cushions or between the mattress and box spring.)

If you’re using your hand – or using something that has a strong texture or pressure, like the aforementioned cushions – you might be using a level of pressure, texture or friction that the human body can’t reproduce. This is what’s known as an “idiosyncratic masturbation technique” or more colloquially known as “death grip syndrome”, and that makes it a lot more difficult to get off with a partner. This might be something that you may not have realized you were doing at first: gripping a little harder if you were having a harder time getting off or sitting in a way that was putting pressure on your prostate that you aren’t doing during partnered sex.

If you’re gripping it and ripping it, then you’re training your penis to respond to that particular level of pressure, and it’s not going to be as responsive to the less intense pressure of a vagina, mouth or anus. The key then is to essentially retrain your junk – using the barest amount of pressure to masturbate and accepting that if you don’t get off, you don’t get off until you do respond to something more attainable by a human body. If you aren’t sure of your ability to keep yourself from grabbing a little harder when you’re trying to get over the falls, you may want to look into a masturbation sleeve like a Fleshlight or a Tenga Flip. This can help retrain your orgasmic response to something that you will encounter with another person.

Now, assuming that you have a clean bill of health and you’ve eliminated other possibilities, one thing you may want to do is adjust how you’re having sex with your partners. For one, you may want to consider adding a few drops of lube to the inside of the condom, to help add a little sensation and motion. And I do mean “drops”; you don’t want so much that you risk the condom sliding off. You may also want to consider a little prostate play when you’re almost-but-not-quite there. Even a little pressure between your scrotum and your anus can help nudge you over as well as make the orgasm a lot more intense.

Alternatively, if penetration isn’t going to get you there, you could always let your partner jerk you off to finish instead of doing it yourself later. It can even be kind of hot with a little dirty talk or a little of a dom/sub dynamic.

Regardless, however, I’d still recommend talking to your doctor, just in case. This is one of those areas where it’s better safe than sorry, especially if it turns out that there’s something that you need to be paying attention to.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com