DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I read your “I Visited An Escort and I Regret It. What Should I Do?” article and I have a “similar” story and I do not know what to do.
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You most likely will find this story to make no sense but I believe somehow gaslit myself (yes) so goddamn hard I can’t trust reality anymore. It’s also pretty long but I think that writing to whole thing down may actually help me.
Last year I was a 30 year old virgin and I’ve beating myself up nearly every day since I was 19 because of it. Not that I had no opportunity to have sex in my early 20s, I just always assumed that these girls wanted a relationship and since all I wanted was casual sex, not a relationship so I didn’t do any move, it would have been against my values to do so. I only had one fling that didn’t go very far and kisses with an handful of girls.
Then one day I turned 22 and my life got pretty s--tty; got a TERRIBLE job which I hated but thought it was pointless to quit since they’re all s--tty, my mother got cheated on by my ex stepfather and my friends and I saw each other only rarely. It was a tough time and with that came something else I didn’t really meet any girl since then. I was still not interested in relationship and was not about to betray my values, unlike so many people that cheat or are in relationships just to be able to compare themselves to others. Also during all this time not only did my lack of sex made me sick, I also thought I was apart from the other, that I was less. It’s BS but that’s what I thought.
Fast forward last year I was tempted to go to a sex worker, after all sex is the most natural thing there is (everybody come from a sexual act) and it’s normal for me to have wants and need, everybody has those. Eventually I discovered something that I did not know about, erotic massage parlors. I thought ‘‘wow what the hell is that’’ I discovered a whole world that I did not know about and those were legal with reviews on google and everything. I thought ‘‘Holy s--t, I never actually had real intimacy with a woman and now I can go get that, I’m not gonna ask for any extra but if she offers I cannot say no, I’m literally in distress and there is nothing wrong about what consenting adults do together. It will be the most responsible way to fix my problem and I will finally be free and be part of the group.’’
So I looked at the schedule, chose a masseuse, booked an appointment, took a shower, brush my teeth…EVERYTHING and then I waited anxiously.
Then the time came, I entered was greeted by a beautiful girl and was shown the room. I was told to take a shower and wait so I did. The room was dimly lit with red led lights, the exact kind of ambiance that I like. Then eventually the girl entered the room. She looked beautiful and was friendly. She warned me that she had a migraine so she might not be on top of her game, I laughed and say no problem. She removed her robe and was in lingerie and it started. So I was there fully naked with a beautiful girl rubbing my body and hovering over my penis with her arm. I did not know the rules ( She forgot to explain them to me) so I smiled put my hand on her side. She stopped and told me ‘‘okay this is what I offer.’’ She offered several things, among them the ‘‘full package.’’ My heart stopped and say yeah I’m fine with that.
SO
I won’t go into details other than she seemed to enjoy it (I have no experience but there’s signs that don’t lie I think) , I actually lasted long and It was a spectacular first time, maybe not that good but for me it was insane. When it was over I asked her if she still had a migraine, after all sex is said to relieve it, she said ‘‘more or less’’ while smiling. I could have asked her if she enjoyed it but I thought that there was no point in that since she could easily lie to make me feel good. I did not told her that I was a virgin but I did tell her that I hadn’t even kissed a girl in the last 10 years, she was surprised. We both dress up and I’m about to leave, as I put my hand on the door handle she asks me if I was gonna come back. ‘‘Yeah…maybe’’ I say shyly, she responded with ‘‘Well I’m always there’’ with a smile. Then I left
WOW, not only was I free, not only what the whole ordeal hot as hell but I finally had sex. I did not care that it was paid service, the money is meaningless.
For three blissful days I was happy.
Then my world crashed down
I was in the internet, I thought I was gonna google to see if other people did what I did and what they think of it and then I found a page that talked about ‘‘The sexual exploitation of women’’
Sexual exploitation of women, when I read that my mental health when from 100 to – 100000 in an instant. What the f—k have I done, no way that I actually abused this girl no it’s impossible. She asked, I followed her rules, we kissed , she laughed, she invited me back ….
For some reason, instead of ‘‘standing my ground’’ I went into crisis mode. The shock was so hard I not only doubted my intentions but I also doubted the nature of sex. It was hard. Waking up nearly every morning thinking I was some sort of abuser while trying living my everyday life. After a month my anxiety and guilt fell down and I thought to myself that the best way to deal with this was to see her again. So I did
Same as last time I took a shower and waited for her. There she was. She asked if it was my first time here, I said ‘‘No we saw each other last month, you had a migraine.’’ She squinted her eyes and say ‘‘Oh yeah, I remember you, so what do you have and idea of what you want ?’’ There she was in front of me and it dawned on me that this whole guilt trip was stupid. So I said ‘‘The full package?’’ She said yeah sure and even offered me a discount with a smile and also offered me a puff of whatever she was vaping to which I declined.
Once again I won’t go into details other than we got to talked a little bit about her life and that on one or two occasion she asked me if I was gonna come back. When it ended I thought to myself ‘‘ Well there is really is nothing to be worried about’’
Eventually, don’t ask me why, the anxiety came back…what if she was FORCED to offer even if she doesn’t want and does everything with a fake smile ?
That one took a while to dismantle (weeks) but first, this is not an Asian parlor and this girl is from here, second there are so many workers (it’s legal to sell) in the city something like that would never stand and they could not enforce it, thirdly a girl that would be forced would not have rules to follow and lastly this girl has had an OF for a long time and still do, also had a page on an escort website she is actually pretty wild. So no the idea that she is forced to do that is impossible.
Then my mind came up with…I’m just a disgusting man who used her.
Despite my whole life rejecting opportunities just to not be an asshole suddenly I was a piece of crap. This one also took some time to dismantle too. I was able to by remembering how it started, with tender kisses, and with the fact that it’s not because I’m a man that my emotions are invalid and if she for some reason beyond comprehension was not fully consenting it’s the same for me.
Right now I’m fighting the idea that the whole thing was ‘‘fake’’. I may have enjoyed it but she hated every second and it’s all my fault. I’m not a woman, I’m not in her head and can never know how it felt for her. All I know is that it was her choice to choose this life and it was her choice to offer. At worst for her I was simply not the best she ever had which is fine and for me at worst it was a mistake…which is fine? I don’t think there’s is any domain in which people make more mistake than sex, I did not cheat on anyone, betrayed anyone, I simply went to a pro to fix a problem.
But I have flashbacks of me with her in that red light room and I doubt my guts and my instinct, as if instead of being a enjoyable moment for both of us, it’s was horrible for her but I was too inadequate of a man to realise the obviously bad moment she was having. How can I enjoy that memory with all this doubt ?
My memory is blurry, it’s been 13 months since then but I remember some key elements; She has a say on everything and has rules, if she hated it that much wouldn’t she had say anything ? Secondly towards the end she hooked me by the neck with her arm and shoved her tongue in my mouth, if she did that it’s because she was into it right ? (I know it’s stupid but logic doesn’t relieve me much) Third, she indirectly asked me to come back by telling me that she always there, if it had been a bad experience why would she say that ? Because she’s obligated ? No way, also when I saw her the second time I went to her and she knew who I was, she offered a discount. Why would she if she knew it would increase the chance of me having sex with her, she would be crazy to…
SO
What the hell happened to my mind ? How can I doubt the obvious and can’t enjoy my memory ? Maybe I shouldn’t have done that, but how could it be so bad? Why do I wake each morning laughing about my anxiety and how silly it is and then it slowly coming back during today and steal my present moment.
Could it be that I suffered such a terrible shock while in a moment of high happiness ? Every time confidence comes back I tell myself ‘‘what if you’re wrong ? ‘‘
Could it be that I see sex or rather the availability of it as too good to be true and thus might have done something actually terrible despite all logic ?
Could it be that I’m so touch starved and insecure that any inconvenience (a insignificant as it can be) appears to me as a mountain of problem ?
I could just dismiss the whole thing as a mistake (which might just be that) but I’m so sex starved that my mind is always brought back to this moment, my chest tightens and the cycle continues
Just so you know writing all of this down calmed me momentarily. It really isn’t a bad crisis as it were in the first times, every time anxiety comes back it’s weaker but still enough to screw with my present moment
I’m questioning whether or not to send this email but this is a problem that I can’t talk to anyone. I fully understand if you can’t really help me with this, I myself can’t really put into words what I feel. It’s as if I was in a room with lights on (confidence and happiness) and then suddenly the room went dark and my mind tells me that if I switch the light on something terrible was going to happen to longer it stays on. I could have added a lot of information but I think this text is long enough.
Thanks for reading, I know this is a doozy.
Feeling Like A Criminal
DEAR FEELING LIKE A CRIMINAL: OK, so there’s a lot here, but there’s one thing I’ve noticed that ties a lot of this together: you make a lot of assumptions based on very little information and then react to those assumptions like they’re proven facts.
This starts right at the beginning of your letter, where you – apparently without any real consideration or so much as a conversation – that all the women you knew in your 20s wanted relationships, not just something casual. This was, so far as I can tell from your letter, entirely in your head and not actually something you ever discussed with the people involved.
I want you to keep that in mind while I cover the rest of your letter, because it’s a recurring issue and it ties directly into the problems you’re having.
Now, the part about finding erotic massage is where we start seeing how some of the behaviors you’ve displayed at the start of your letter come into play. I notice, for example, a lot of passivity in your decision to visit one. The whole “I’m not going to ask for extras, but if she offers…” is an area where you seem to be unwilling to actually take responsibility for your own desires. You went to a sex worker with the full intent of at least getting a “happy ending”, but you don’t want to actually own that this is what you’re doing. Maybe you thought this was a legal loophole in case the cops busted you (it wouldn’t help), but it smacks of wanting something, taking steps towards trying to get it but also wanting to pretend that this isn’t what you’re doing. It’s wanting the end results without having to take full responsibility for actually pursuing the goal.
It’s a little akin to how you were behaving with the women you mention earlier: you want a more casual relationship but you don’t so much as try to date or even get to know if those women are on the same page or not. You may well have found someone who, like you, wasn’t interested in dating or a committed relationship, but wasn’t averse to some no-strings, low-commitment fooling around. If, y’know. You’d actually asked or gone on a date.
But let’s talk about your visit and what happened afterwards, because the way things went are pretty much why I’ve said over and over again that the folks who write in complaining about being virgins wouldn’t be satisfied with visiting a sex-worker. Most of the people who write in complaining about being virgins aren’t necessarily after sex, they’re after validation. They want to feel that they were “chosen” or “special” enough to have sex. This ties into both the idea that women are the “gatekeepers” of sex, but also the idea that women don’t actually like sex and so men have to either pony up (with commitment, relationships, marriage, etc), or be so incredibly hot/special/whatever that they can overcome that lack of interest. Paying a sex worker wouldn’t “count” because, at its core, this would be like cheating the system – the idea, of course, being that sex workers have no choice but to sleep with whomever throws money at them.
That’s not the case, but that’s the rationale behind it. And I think this thinking is very much what spurs on your ongoing crisis. The fact that you decided to search “what do other folks think about this” is kind of a tell; you were already thinking that maybe this didn’t “count” or that despite now being among The Royal Order of Certified Sex Havers, you weren’t a real member or you were lesser for the way you lost your virginity. And oh look, you found something that was going to confirm that, yes, you did A Bad Thing And Should Feel Bad.
And in this case, you took a lot of information and misinformation (there are a lot of “sex worker rescue” and “anti human trafficking” organizations out there that abuse statistics and just straight make s--t up) and used it to punch yourself in the nuts. Repeatedly.
Now as you note: it’s pretty clear that no, she wasn’t being trafficked or forced into the job. But this panic wasn’t about having participated in the exploitation of another person. but about you and how you basically cheated the system by going to a sex worker. The pivot from “OK, so she’s here of her own free will, it’s a job, everything’s fine” to “she hated every second of it and its all my fault” is the key. You’re working yourself into a frenzy because this is not “how you’re supposed to do it” and it plays into all the same self-limiting beliefs, negative self-talk and virgin stigma you’ve been carrying around.
I mean, let me ask you: if, rather than having visited a sex worker, you had a hook-up with a friend or one of the women you knew in your 20s, would you still be having the same freak out? Or would you be working under the assumption that everything was probably fine, if you thought about it at all?
Probably not. Because that would’ve been more validating for you. It would’ve confirmed that you were “worthy” of having sex, rather than “just thinking about your own selfish desires.”
That’s what’s happening here. You’re beating yourself up because you lost your virginity “the wrong way”; it just happens to line up with how a lot of people view sex work.
Now here’s the thing about sex workers and sex work: it’s a job. Like most jobs, there’re people who really enjoy what they do, there’re people who do it because it pays the bills but they’re not exactly thrilled about it and there’re people who do it because they need the work and would rather do anything else if they could. This is true about pretty much every job or career out there. The person making your coffee at Starbucks may well hate working there with the passion of a thousand suns. We don’t think about that as exploitation or a horrible situation because… well, because we see that as an acceptable form of labor. Service industry jobs are frequently hellish – there’re reasons why so many people didn’t want to return to waiting tables or working at fast food restaurants after the lockdown ended – but we don’t wring our hands about whether the line cook hated making our lemon chicken and tabouli or the person cutting our hair wishes they were doing anything else.
This is life under capitalism, unfortunately. Since there’s no way to opt out of capitalism, we all often have to take jobs that we don’t like – or in some cases actively hate – in order to survive. Not every lawyer is living the dream, any more than every electrician is wishing to work in an office. Some people find a job or career they find fulfilling, some do what pays well enough to help maintain their lifestyle and support themselves or their family and some do whatever they can get their hands on, regardless of how they feel about that job specifically. Someone’s gotta pick up the garbage, someone’s got to install those microwave ovens and custom kitchen deliveries.
Now here comes the call to 1-900-Mix-A-Lott…
BUT.
That doesn’t mean that the woman you visited felt a stone settle in the pit of her stomach when she saw you – either the first time or the second. From what you describe, her behavior was hardly “doing the bare minimum to get you off as quickly as possible so you’d get out”, nor did she refuse you as a customer – something she absolutely could’ve done. Seeing as she doesn’t seem to have been exploited or coerced into her job, she could’ve said “hey, nope, sorry, not doing this, full service is off the table” or even “get the hell out”.
She even offered you a discount – the sort of thing that someone offers in hopes of encouraging a person to become a repeat customer. That’s generally not something that people do for clients they actively dislike. As I said: she’s got agency; she could have said “no” and refused you as a client.
Does this mean that she enjoyed having sex with you? F—ked if I know. I’ll be blunt: the odds are high that this wasn’t the greatest sex she’s ever had. But then again, that’s also not what the job entailed. The job is for the client to have a good time and as a professional, that’s what she did. If she had an amazing time or just made the right noises to make sure you had an amazing time, the focus was on you and your experience.
So by what you’ve said: she did her job and she did it well. Not every customer/service worker interaction is going to be a transcendent experience for the worker, whether their job is sex or making Frappuccinos. Sometimes it’s just another day on the job.
Was it all “fake”? Well, no more than any good customer service is fake. The person who’s ringing up your groceries, the Disney park employee who’s giving the big smile, the person bringing your food at the restaurant… their job requires that they act like there is literally nothing they’d rather do than be at work. In many cases, the job description mandates that they perform those tasks with a particular level of cheer – like the aforementioned Disney park employee.
Maybe there’re places where an Aubrey-Plaza-esque disdain for the job and the customer is A Thing, but most customer-facing jobs are going to require a modicum of pretending that they’re proud to work there and happy to serve you.
(Incidentally, one of the services that a number of escorts offer is what’s called “the girlfriend experience” – that is, the encounter feels less like a service-in-exchange-for-money and more like sex with someone you have a relationship with. It’s not “fake” when this happens; it’s just giving the client the experience they asked for. If the client feels like it was an organic experience, then that means the escort did her job well, not that she was trying to fool him.)
Does that mean that you’re exploiting them or forcing them to do something they wouldn’t want to do? No. If anyone’s exploiting them, capitalism is. But that’s somewhat outside of the scope of this column.
Moving forward, there’re a few things I think you should take away from this. To start with: stop making assumptions based on what you think is going on. I think we can all agree that you’re not exactly a dispassionate and rational observer in these proceedings. You’re running around making assumptions about what other people are thinking based on nothing but your own presuppositions, and you’re treating those assumptions as iron-clad facts. And since those “facts” line up with negative messaging about sex, masculinity and the “right way” for men to lose their virginity that you’ve clearly absorbed, you’re having these panic attacks about everything.
That’s what’s going on here. You’re beating yourself up and having these anxiety attacks because you think you had sex “the wrong way” and you’re making up reasons why you’re bad because of it. When you tamp down one reason – “DID I PARTICIPATE IN THE EXPLOITATION OF AN INNOCENT WOMAN?!?” – another springs up to replace it. It’s not because of her, it’s because of how you feel about yourself.
And to be clear: I’m not saying you don’t actually care or that your fears that you mistreated her or exploited her aren’t genuine. It’s that these fears are all ultimately in service of confirming how you’re a “bad person” for what you did. In reality, it’s like you said: you went to someone for a service. It’s just a service that society has stigmatized.
At the end of the day, I think what you need more than anything else is to talk to a counselor or therapist. The fact that this is causing you such agita, more than a year later, says that this is a pretty deeply embedded issue. That’s the sort of thing that takes this out of the remit of a dating advice column and puts it squarely in the hands of a mental health professional. It sounds like you’ve got a lot of issues tied up in this and talking to a sex-positive therapist would help to unpack a lot of it.
And like I said: I suspect that this is entirely down to your feelings about yourself, about sex and masculinity. Start picking those apart and I think you’ll start getting to the real root of the problem.
On a practical level – and to help you understand sex workers and sex work a little better – I’d suggest that you might want to follow some sex workers on BlueSky. A lot of them write a lot about their work, how they feel about what they do, the clients they work with and how they handle bad days, difficult clients or other issues that come up in any job.
Similarly, do you want to make sure that you’re a good customer for any sex workers you may visit in the future? Show up with good hygiene, be respectful and mindful of her rules, tip well and treat her like a person.
Want to make doubly sure that the sex worker you’re visiting is doing so of her own free will (as much as anyone can under capitalism)? Visit an independent escort or a brothel in a place where sex work is decriminalized.
(And yes, there’s a difference between legalization and decriminalization; the ACLU has a number of articles that clarify the topic on their website.)
I don’t think you did anything wrong, nor do I think there’s anything particularly shameful about what you did. I think you’re beating yourself up because of your own hang-ups and the sooner you address those, the less anxious you’ll be.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com