DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 30 year old cis male. I’m writing today because I’d like some help overcoming my difficulty with giving compliments, particularly as it relates to flirting, but generally as well.
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A little background on myself first. I recently got an ADHD diagnosis, am likely autistic, and have anxiety/depression. My confidence and self-worth were in the gutters, but have been slowly improving over the past couple of years after joining a theater. I generally feel like I’m in a decent place mentally, but that’s a pretty recent development.
Now, onto the problem: I suck at giving compliments. Or just saying positive, affirming things to people in general. I think really highly of so many people around me, but when asked about their positive traits or what I like about them, I tend to draw a blank. Even when I take time by myself to intentionally think about it. This was a bit of a problem in my previous (and so far only) relationship, as my partner would sometimes ask for some affirmations and I would have to really think, or I’d just repeat the same ones that I usually did. At the time I partially chalked it up to me just not being great with words (which is very true), but also knew it’d be something I’d need to work on eventually.
It’s become relevant again as I’m wanting to use compliments to flirt with a girl at the theater I go to, but when I tried to think about what I like about her it’s hard to come up with anything more specific than “she’s cute” or “nice” or “fun to be around.” All great things of course, but I can only say them so many times before it sounds insincere, and it doesn’t really show that I’m paying attention to them.
I do feel like I’m paying attention to people, especially when I’ve got a crush on them, but things just, don’t stand out to me (even when they should). I think that’s related to the ’tism. Like I’ll notice when people are nice or supportive of me or when they make me laugh and I’ll remember little factoids about them like their hobbies, pets, or some off-hand thing they said 6-months ago. But it all just sort of paints a broad picture. I like THEM, but I can’t point to WHY or WHAT.
I’m really struggling to figure out what the source of this is, so it’s hard to figure out what to work on. I don’t think it’s a matter of “well maybe you just don’t like this person.” Maybe it’s just the way my brain is wired, and I just have to live with it. Maybe it has to do with spending too much time in my own anxieties about what I could’ve done wrong, and not enough time reflecting on other people. I feel like I reflect on other people a decent amount, but it’s hard to compare. Maybe it’s normal! Though since googling “how to give a compliment” invariably results in how to give a compliment or what kind of compliments people like to receive, rather than how to come up with one in the first place, I don’t think it’s a terribly common problem.
I’d really like to work on this since it affects all of my relationships, not just romantic ones (but also I do really want to flirt better). Any idea or direction would be appreciated.
Thanks!
Nice Guy in Training
DEAR NICE GUY IN TRAINING: It sounds like the issue is less that you don’t know what to say, but more that you don’t know how to put it into words.
This is understandable; not everyone’s a gifted wordsmith. If we were, we wouldn’t have the need for poets and poetry to really translate the ineffable into something that we can comprehend. But that might actually be one of the steps to thinking about how to put those feelings into words and how to express yourself in ways that your friends and potential partners could receive.
After all, you do have things that you can point to. You know how they make you feel. You know the things that they love and that they’re passionate about and that they’re proud of. Those are things you can use as a starting point.
Similarly, you know what they do for you and you know there’re things about them that you like that aren’t just their looks or the fact that they like you. Think of these as the building blocks for how to compliment someone or how to flirt with them.
One of the cores of a good compliment, for example, that you see and appreciate something special about them. This is why some of the best compliments to give are about something that they’ve chosen or done, rather than an inherent quality. Telling someone they’re pretty – while often appreciated – isn’t as much of a compliment when it’s “you won the genetic lottery”. But “you have incredible style and always wear the coolest outfits” is complimenting her choices and effort, not just her bone structure.
Another core of a good compliment is to recognize and give appreciation for something that they’re proud of or something that is important to them. Telling someone that you’re impressed by how smart they are, their skill or passion at music or how compassionate they are is a good one as well.
Or you can compliment them on something that you find adorable or likeable about them, something that makes them uniquely them. For example: I have a friend who is amazing to watch movies with because she has the purest, most unselfconscious reactions and it’s great seeing that unfiltered reaction without a protective layer of irony or being so jaded that nothing penetrates. It’s part of what makes her fun to be around. So if you know someone just loves, I dunno, let’s say turtles, telling her “I love the way your face lights up when you see a turtle sunning itself on a rock; it’s such a pure moment and it’s something I always think of when I think about you” would be a good one.
Or you could describe how they make you feel – not “I like you” but “you enter the room and you have such a gentle warmth to you that it’s like feeling the sun come from behind a cloud on a spring day”.
You mention that you notice when people are being supportive of you. That’s something you appreciate about them, so explain how that support is important to you and why you appreciate it. How does it make you feel when they do that? Why is that special and significant to you? What does it say about them that they do this?
You can illustrate the compliment by describing something that they’ve done or said that you find significant and special, then tell them why it mattered to you or the sort of impact it had. “Do you remember that time you dropped everything because you saw that deer stuck in someone’s back yard so you marched over to the front door and told them you were going to open their gate to let it out? Not many people would have the courage to do that and I really admire that about you.”
Take the initial feeling – “you make me laugh” and dig into it. Dig into it for a moment. Why does she make you laugh? Is it because she says things so unexpected that you can’t help it? Is it that she has an incisive wit and skill at wordplay? Does she know how to precisely puncture or punctuate a moment? Is it that she knows the exact right quote or reference to drop? Does she have such a unique way at looking at the world that it just tickles you and you have to laugh out of fondness? The more you can explain the what of it and the why, the better you’ll be able to compliment her on it.
Now I know you said that you’re not good with words. But this is where poetry comes in. Part of the point of poetry is trying to express something that’s impossible to describe by using words to try to translate that feeling into something we can comprehend. Like music, it’s emotional alchemy, and it can give us something we can grasp onto, something that says “yes, it feels exactly like that.” So my suggestion would be to try reading some great poets and paying attention to the use of language. How does Ginsberg describe the exact shape and texture of a feeling? When Rumi paints a picture of how love or passion feels, what stands out to you? How does Gil Scott-Heron or James Baldwin evoke the feeling of frustration or stifled rage or moments of joy? Hell, even something as seemingly basic or simple as Shel Silverstein is worth examining, because it’ll give you more tools in your toolbox when you need them.
The more you pay attention to how others use words to illuminate and elicit particular feelings or ideas, the greater the options you’ll have when you need to. There’re reasons why people used to read poetry to their lovers, after all; you’re borrowing their words to evoke a particular feeling. The more familiar you are with the tools, the better you’ll be at using them when you need them.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com