DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been wondering if I might be coming across as intimidating to women.

I’m a man in my mid-thirties who has never been on a date, despite receiving numerous compliments that many men would envy. Honestly, it’s almost a daily occurrence at this point. On paper, I tick several boxes: I’m tall, dark, and handsome, well-groomed, fit, have a great career, and a confident demeanor. I’m also seen as someone fun and safe to be around. I’m not spectacular by any means, but I’d say I’m well put together. My friends and acquaintances often tell me I should be having success in the romance department, yet I struggle to connect with women on a deeper level, if I even meet them at all. I’ve been told a few times that I might be intimidating and that women might be shy around me.

The thing is, I do get along well with women and have a circle of friends mostly made up of them. These relationships formed through my own efforts, as it’s easy for me to chat with women in casual settings, and I regularly hang out with a few. However, these friends are all unavailable, and I seem to have a knack for (subconsciously) avoiding women who might be available. These are often the ones who seem distant, and typically they have been around my age. I understand that women, like anyone, can lack confidence and may not always signal interest directly, but when their body language clearly indicates disinterest, I prefer to err on the side of caution.

There have only been two notable instances where women have been overt about their interest. One was at a previous job, where a woman frequently looked at me and occasionally smiled. She’d obviously told colleagues about her interest, because they would giggle or sneak a glance as a group whenever I was around. I didn’t get involved, and kept my distance after learning she was emotionally unwell. The other was recently at a meetup event at a local bar. While socialising, I caught the eye of a stunning woman who I’d seen a few times before, and she was looking directly into my eyes, scanned my body, and then made eye contact again, just like in dating articles and movies. I was completely taken aback. Aside from these moments, women often seem to ignore me as if I were invisible, avoiding eye contact or the opportunity to talk to me, and I don’t think I’d ever pick up on more subtle hints, such as proximity. There’s a woman at work that I’d really like to get to know, for instance, but while we have spoken a handful of times and she seems happy enough to be in my presence, there’s no clear indication that she may be curious.

I’m confident that once I start dating, I’ll have positive experiences and eventually find the right woman. However, I’m currently frustrated by the feeling of making up for lost time and struggling to get my foot in the door.

How can I address this potential issue and improve my chances of getting to know women better, especially when they seem aloof?

Just Too Much? 

DEAR JUST TOO MUCH: First things first, JTM: you need to let go of the idea of “making up for lost time”. There’s no such thing as “lost time”; this is just self-imposed pressure based on the idea that you “should” have been doing something before now. All this does is frustrate you and make you overly concerned with trying to rush through things, which will just trip you up by making you focus on all the wrong areas. “Making up for lost time” is a recipe for frustration and anger that will ultimately slow you down or stop you in your tracks – like getting how getting angry at a particularly tough boss battle or platforming challenge in a video game will make you worse at playing the game in general.

You weren’t ready or in the right place before. You are now. That’s not “lost time”, that’s “it wasn’t the right time”. Now it is, and you’re starting this part of your journey.

The next thing is that, to be honest, “intimidating” is one of those words I find frustrating in a dating context because it’s so vague and variable as to be useless. When a woman is being told that she’s too intimidating, what it usually means is either she’s not being – forgive the already dated reference – “very mindful, very demure” or else she’s more accomplished than the men around her and they don’t like it. When a man is being told that he’s too intimidating by other men, it’s frequently about being too good for those women, like a backhanded compliment. When he’s being told that by women… well, sometimes it means he’s coming off like he’s thinking about licking the inside of her rib cage.

Other times, much like “be yourself” or “there’re other fish in the sea”, it’s a platitude handed out by people who don’t know what to say, but feel like they need to say something. Ideally, something that’s vaguely complimentary. But without actual detail or context, it’s such a vague descriptor that you can’t really do anything about it. Are you so handsome that women don’t feel like they could talk to you? Do you come off like a celebrity and so people are afraid to approach? Do you have Resting Murder Face? Who knows!

If you’re worried about being intimidating, then I’d recommend paying attention to your behavior, especially your facial expressions and body language. Having open, relaxed body language and giving off personal warmth goes a long, long way towards minimizing the odds that you’re coming off as scary or standoffish.

But I want to zero in on something you said: “when their body language indicates disinterest, I prefer to err on the side of caution.” I see variations on this all the time from guys with little experience in dating and it frequently comes down to the old “I respect women so much I try to avoid them wherever possible.” I mention this because, quite frankly, I think a lot of the folks who say this aren’t necessarily the best judges of body language or signs of interest or disinterest. In fact, in many cases, I strongly suspect that this is a post-hoc rationalization of approach anxiety, rounding up a lack of screamingly obvious signs of interest to active disinterest.

This is often a sort of emotional self-protection for people who feel like they don’t “deserve” women’s attention or interest. It sounds absurd, but it makes sense when you think about it. It often comes from a place of fear – fear of being a creeper, sure, but more often a fear of confirmation. Specifically a fear of getting confirmation that your romantic or sexual interest is inherently insulting or repulsive. If someone expresses themselves in such an obvious manner as those two women you mentioned, then hey, they must be interested. There’s far less of a question. But if they’re not actively looking at you like they’ve been lost at sea for weeks and you’re turning into a cartoon turkey dinner, then they must be actively uninterested and so your trying to talk to them would be an imposition or an insult. Better, then, to never make the attempt and have your worst fears confirmed.

Here’s something I think you should ask yourself: how did you meet all these women you’re friends with? You say it was all through your own efforts and you have no problem chatting women up in casual settings. So clearly, you have no problem identifying people who might be interested in small talk, nor are you too intimidated to start a conversation with a stranger and reaching a point of being friends with them. This is significant because the skills you use to make friends – especially with people of the gender(s) you’re attracted to – are the same skills you use to find dates. The only difference is the intended outcome.

And it’s the outcome, I suspect, that’s what’s ultimately tripping you up. When you’re meeting these women in a more social, casual setting, you’re not thinking of it in terms of outcomes and goals. You’re just thinking in terms of socializing and small talk, nothing earth shaking but also nothing terrible happening if they don’t want to chat. When you’re hoping that maybe they’d like to go on a date or go someplace for quality naked time, however, you’ve created a situation in your mind where not only can you fail, but failure would have consequences. On the surface level, those consequences could be social rejection, but on the subconscious level, those consequences would be confirming that you’re beneath them and the very idea that you thought you had a chance is offensive.

I think the best thing you could do for yourself is work on getting into the habit of not thinking of “approaching” the women you’re attracted to and instead just starting a conversation. Treat it as a strict “you seem interesting, I’d like to know more about you” sort of exercise, where you just want to get to know them and what makes them tick. Because here’s the thing: most of the time? You know next to nothing about these women. You know you find them physically attractive, but that’s usually it. But because you’re attracted to them, a part of your brain assigns them greater value and import than they actually deserve. It’s that they’re only worthy of disdain, it’s that attraction isn’t a measure of someone’s value or status. For all you know, their idea of fun is launching baby raccoons in a trebuchet or giving out those religious pamphlets disguised as fifty dollar bills as tips. You, quite literally, don’t know if they’re someone who’s worth your time, your energy and any emotional investment from you. 

I suspect that once you start disconnecting a desire for a particular outcome from just meeting people and talking to them, you’ll find that their body language isn’t one of disinterest but one that’s basically neutral. Sure, there will be people who absolutely are sending off don’t talk to me vibes – but often that’s not personal so much as being broadcast to the world around them. It’s not that they don’t want you to go away, it’s that they don’t want to be hit on by anyone. That’s perfectly fine and you should go ahead and respect their wishes. But I think once you aren’t investing your sense of self-worth in how the conversation goes, you’ll find that most of the women you think are being cold or aloof are just… there. Just doing their thing. And if they’re not interested in making small talk? Cool, you move on, no harm, no foul.

But honestly, every relationship starts with conversation. Just talk to people, be curious about them, get to know them and find out what makes them cool. Over the course of chatting, if you feel like you’re picking up a vibe from them, send out a low-key flirt like a sonar technician sending out one ping only. If you get a positive response – she flirts back – you can give a little stronger of a sign of interest in the form of a little more overt flirting a bit later. If she doesn’t respond or seems to go cold, you can dial it back and go back to making friendly chit chat instead.

If things do continue to go well, you can decide how you want to handle things from there. If it’s someone you think you’ll see again, you can leave on an emotional high note and try talking to her again the next time you see her and see how things go, or you can ask for her preferred method of contact (texting, Instagram, WhatsApp, what-have-you) and keep the conversation going later. If you’re not sure you’re likely to see her again, you can take your shot and see if she wants to go do $COOL_THING you were talking about doing this weekend.

But the biggest and best thing you can do for yourself is just get comfortable talking to women you find attractive without worrying about the outcome. The less intimidated you get, the less you invest in someone who hasn’t earned that investment from you, the easier it becomes to meet people. Some will be happy to make small talk but won’t want more than that. Some will turn out to be friends you hadn’t met yet. And some? Well, some lucky ones will turn out to be someone who is right for you and worth your time as a potential partner.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a 30 year old cis male. I’m writing today because I’d like some help overcoming my difficulty with giving compliments, particularly as it relates to flirting, but generally as well.

A little background on myself first. I recently got an ADHD diagnosis, am likely autistic, and have anxiety/depression. My confidence and self-worth were in the gutters, but have been slowly improving over the past couple of years after joining a theater. I generally feel like I’m in a decent place mentally, but that’s a pretty recent development.

Now, onto the problem: I suck at giving compliments. Or just saying positive, affirming things to people in general. I think really highly of so many people around me, but when asked about their positive traits or what I like about them, I tend to draw a blank. Even when I take time by myself to intentionally think about it. This was a bit of a problem in my previous (and so far only) relationship, as my partner would sometimes ask for some affirmations and I would have to really think, or I’d just repeat the same ones that I usually did. At the time I partially chalked it up to me just not being great with words (which is very true), but also knew it’d be something I’d need to work on eventually.

It’s become relevant again as I’m wanting to use compliments to flirt with a girl at the theater I go to, but when I tried to think about what I like about her it’s hard to come up with anything more specific than “she’s cute” or “nice” or “fun to be around.” All great things of course, but I can only say them so many times before it sounds insincere, and it doesn’t really show that I’m paying attention to them.

I do feel like I’m paying attention to people, especially when I’ve got a crush on them, but things just, don’t stand out to me (even when they should). I think that’s related to the ’tism. Like I’ll notice when people are nice or supportive of me or when they make me laugh and I’ll remember little factoids about them like their hobbies, pets, or some off-hand thing they said 6-months ago. But it all just sort of paints a broad picture. I like THEM, but I can’t point to WHY or WHAT.

I’m really struggling to figure out what the source of this is, so it’s hard to figure out what to work on. I don’t think it’s a matter of “well maybe you just don’t like this person.” Maybe it’s just the way my brain is wired, and I just have to live with it. Maybe it has to do with spending too much time in my own anxieties about what I could’ve done wrong, and not enough time reflecting on other people. I feel like I reflect on other people a decent amount, but it’s hard to compare. Maybe it’s normal! Though since googling “how to give a compliment” invariably results in how to give a compliment or what kind of compliments people like to receive, rather than how to come up with one in the first place, I don’t think it’s a terribly common problem.

I’d really like to work on this since it affects all of my relationships, not just romantic ones (but also I do really want to flirt better). Any idea or direction would be appreciated.

Thanks!

Nice Guy in Training

DEAR NICE GUY IN TRAINING: It sounds like the issue is less that you don’t know what to say, but more that you don’t know how to put it into words.

This is understandable; not everyone’s a gifted wordsmith. If we were, we wouldn’t have the need for poets and poetry to really translate the ineffable into something that we can comprehend. But that might actually be one of the steps to thinking about how to put those feelings into words and how to express yourself in ways that your friends and potential partners could receive.

After all, you do have things that you can point to. You know how they make you feel. You know the things that they love and that they’re passionate about and that they’re proud of. Those are things you can use as a starting point.

Similarly, you know what they do for you and you know there’re things about them that you like that aren’t just their looks or the fact that they like you. Think of these as the building blocks for how to compliment someone or how to flirt with them.

One of the cores of a good compliment, for example, that you see and appreciate something special about them. This is why some of the best compliments to give are about something that they’ve chosen or done, rather than an inherent quality. Telling someone they’re pretty – while often appreciated – isn’t as much of a compliment when it’s “you won the genetic lottery”. But “you have incredible style and always wear the coolest outfits” is complimenting her choices and effort, not just her bone structure.

Another core of a good compliment is to recognize and give appreciation for something that they’re proud of or something that is important to them. Telling someone that you’re impressed by how smart they are, their skill or passion at music or how compassionate they are is a good one as well.

Or you can compliment them on something that you find adorable or likeable about them, something that makes them uniquely them. For example: I have a friend who is amazing to watch movies with because she has the purest, most unselfconscious reactions and it’s great seeing that unfiltered reaction without a protective layer of irony or being so jaded that nothing penetrates. It’s part of what makes her fun to be around. So if you know someone just loves, I dunno, let’s say turtles, telling her “I love the way your face lights up when you see a turtle sunning itself on a rock; it’s such a pure moment and it’s something I always think of when I think about you” would be a good one.

Or you could describe how they make you feel – not “I like you” but “you enter the room and you have such a gentle warmth to you that it’s like feeling the sun come from behind a cloud on a spring day”.

You mention that you notice when people are being supportive of you. That’s something you appreciate about them, so explain how that support is important to you and why you appreciate it. How does it make you feel when they do that? Why is that special and significant to you? What does it say about them that they do this?

You can illustrate the compliment by describing something that they’ve done or said that you find significant and special, then tell them why it mattered to you or the sort of impact it had. “Do you remember that time you dropped everything because you saw that deer stuck in someone’s back yard so you marched over to the front door and told them you were going to open their gate to let it out? Not many people would have the courage to do that and I really admire that about you.”

Take the initial feeling – “you make me laugh” and dig into it. Dig into it for a moment. Why does she make you laugh? Is it because she says things so unexpected that you can’t help it? Is it that she has an incisive wit and skill at wordplay? Does she know how to precisely puncture or punctuate a moment? Is it that she knows the exact right quote or reference to drop? Does she have such a unique way at looking at the world that it just tickles you and you have to laugh out of fondness? The more you can explain the what of it and the why, the better you’ll be able to compliment her on it.

Now I know you said that you’re not good with words. But this is where poetry comes in. Part of the point of poetry is trying to express something that’s impossible to describe by using words to try to translate that feeling into something we can comprehend. Like music, it’s emotional alchemy, and it can give us something we can grasp onto, something that says “yes, it feels exactly like that.” So my suggestion would be to try reading some great poets and paying attention to the use of language. How does Ginsberg describe the exact shape and texture of a feeling? When Rumi paints a picture of how love or passion feels, what stands out to you? How does Gil Scott-Heron or James Baldwin evoke the feeling of frustration or stifled rage or moments of joy? Hell, even something as seemingly basic or simple as Shel Silverstein is worth examining, because it’ll give you more tools in your toolbox when you need them.

The more you pay attention to how others use words to illuminate and elicit particular feelings or ideas, the greater the options you’ll have when you need to. There’re reasons why people used to read poetry to their lovers, after all; you’re borrowing their words to evoke a particular feeling. The more familiar you are with the tools, the better you’ll be at using them when you need them.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Big fan of the blog, insert fawning here. Blah blah, hello! So a little background on me to start. 40ish gal who is Solo Poly with 3 regular partners, and a few other lovely people who I hang out with on a much more casual basis. I generally prefer my partners to have a primary partner already so that they have a stable relationship in place where the majority of their emotional needs are being met. I, as a hard core introvert, (yes I know how weird that sounds) burn out a relationship super-fast if someone is relying solely on me for emotional support. Everyone that I date long term is understanding about my idiosyncrasies and it generally makes me a very good partner. I want everyone I am in a relationship to be able to get their needs met! 

Now on to my current issue… one of my partners was just dropped unceremoniously by their primary and it’s been rough. Now as the sole partner, I am dealing with all the fall out of their primary relationship. We probably only saw each other every 2 weeks to once a month due to scheduling, and we only texted a few times a day. Now with the break up, it’s texting and talking and lots more in-person time and lots of rambling 3 am messages about how much he’s afraid to go out because he’s going to run into her. 

This has been going on for over a month. I want to be there for them as much as possible, but I end up answering the phone and texts while I am out with my other partners or when I am on work trips, having to leave meetings to talk them out of a spiral. I am used to people only calling me when it’s an emergency, so I always answer. But now I getting to the point where I dread looking at my phone because I don’t want to see who’s calling. I am worried to tell them to stop, because I feel like the last line of defense (not true I know) but it’s starting to impact my other relationships and my work life and it’s getting harder to be kind and understanding and present. Now I just mostly feel drained. 

How Tired is too Tired?

DEAR HOW TIRED IS TOO TIRED: I’m of two minds here, HTITT. I empathize with your partner; getting dumped out of what feels like the clear blue sky by someone you care about is going to throw you off kilter. His primary partner, someone he presumably cared strongly for, has just dropped him like 5th period French and now he is trying to realign his world view. Before he was part of a couple and now he has to relearn life without his primary partner. That’s going to be a really rough time and it’s understandable that he’s reaching out for comfort and reassurance.

At the same time however, you’ve got your own balancing act that you’re trying to perform and you know yourself well enough to know that you have very limited spoons. This is also presumably  something that he knew going in, seeing as you mention that your partners are aware of how you prefer to handle your relationships. So while you’re being a good and caring person and partner, you’re running out of bandwidth and his behavior is cutting into your life as well. That’s a very understandable issue and one that can have negative effects for you and your other relationships. When you’re the focus of all someone’s emotional needs – especially when you weren’t before – that can be a lot. There is such a thing as caregiver burnout, and everyone’s going to have their own threshold before it sets in. It sounds like you’re getting close to yours.

Having been on both sides of this issue in my time, as the person feeling like a pile of emotional slop and the person helping people I’m close with deal with their own worlds falling apart, I can understand how exhausting it can all be.

For him, yeah, it’s really f—king rough and he’s dealing with not just the loss of his partner but the loss of the future he thought he had and – to a certain extent, his identity. But at the same time, there comes a point where it starts feeling less like trying to process one’s feelings and deal with the loss and starting to wallow instead.

It sounds a little like he’s hitting the wallowing stage of things.

(And trust me: I could wallow for the Olympics. I have been a world-champion wallower. I know from which I speak. Thankfully the really angsty LiveJournal posts from that era are long gone.)

I get that break ups suck – trust me, been there, done that, inadvertently ended up starting a new career over one – but there’s a point where you have to stop weeping and wailing and rending your clothes and start to get back on your feet and get back to the business of living again. My usual rule of thumb is that you get two weeks to feel sorry for yourself and feel the f—k out of your feels and cry to your friends, but after that you have to start pulling the pieces back together. You don’t need to be over the break up by any stretch, but you do want to be moving onto the part where you can still have a sad but without it completely derailing your life and the lives of the people in your immediate vicinity.

On the one hand, you want to help your partner, who’s in pain and who you care about. On the other, there comes a point where it feels like you’ve become their sole source of comfort and reassurance and you’re veering into the “setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm,” territory.

So how do you thread this needle?

My suggestion is that there needs to be a combination of practicality, compassion and boundaries. You’re already doing the compassionate thing, so the focus should be on the other sides.

On the practical side, it can be helpful to find ways to take his mind off things and encourage him to occupy his time so he has fewer chances for his jerkbrain to poke him in the sad feelings. You could also,  give him some actual tips for dealing with some of the anxieties that’ve been keeping him up at night, such as running into his ex if they have overlapping social circles.

It’s an understandable worry, but the fear of it tends to be worse than the reality. And to be perfectly frank, the attempts to avoid ever encountering that situation only makes the fear worse. It’s better to prepare to deal with the inevitability than it is to try to plan your life around trying to avoid the possibility. All this does is serve to make your life smaller and smaller, as you begin to be afraid not just of running into your ex but the possibility of it and from there to just the feeling of discomfort that comes with fear of the possibility.

Having an actual plan for seeing her means that he’ll at the very least have something in his back pocket to manage the situation. He can freak out later, but knowing what to do, even in vague terms, can make it all easier.

This is an area that I actually had to deal with back in my bad old days. During one particularly rough break up, that was an issue I dealt with; the classic “Six Degrees of Austin” all but guaranteed that I would run into my ex. When it finally happened to me, there was the shock of the realization and the second shock of seeing her with her boyfriend at the time. But having a plan – say hello, be polite but keep it brief and move on – meant that things weren’t nearly as shattering as I’d feared they would be. In fact, that moment probably helped me move on in a way that I had been able to before. 

But while you’re offering a sympathetic ear and advice on request, you’re also well within your rights to say that “look, I feel for you, but I can’t be your only sounding board here. I appreciate what you’re going through, but this is becoming more than I can reasonably manage. I really think that you should be talking to more people than just me about this.”

You can even say “I’m not saying you can’t be sad, that you have to hide your feelings about this or you can’t ask for a little reassurance, but I can’t keep being the only person you talk to about your ex. I don’t want to declare the topic off limits, but we’re really approaching the point where I may have to.”

I would also suggest that you make it clear that unless it’s an actual emergency, the 3 AM texts and phone-calls need to cease. You can say it with care and sympathy, but it needs to be said, directly and unequivocally.

Now, it’s possible that he doesn’t have other people that he could talk to about this. The poly aspect adds a layer of complexity to the situation and one that his friends may not necessarily grok. Or they might be of the “don’t know what to say, so I’m just going to give platitudes about fish and seas” type which… honestly, isn’t that helpful to anyone.

If that’s the case, or he’s so plagued by the pain of this that he’s having these regular long dark nights of the soul – hence the 3 AM rambling texts and messages – then it may be good for him to talk to a counselor or other professional sympathetic ear. If it’s hurting this badly, then he may need someone who actually has training to help talk him through it.

And of course, you can also send him my way if he needs to get advice on moving forward and getting over this break up, because that’s literally my job.

I’d also recommend saying, straight up, that you’re going to have to stop taking his calls while you’re at work or with your other partners. You’re allowed to have your life without having to constantly accept him intruding onto the areas he’s not a part of.

Just remember: having boundaries doesn’t mean that you don’t care for him, nor that you don’t empathize with him while he’s dealing with this pain. Having those boundaries is what allows you to continue being in a relationship with him. Otherwise, it’s as you said: you burn out and now he’s left with even less.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com