DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hi! I’m the person with the foreign boyfriend from the September 18th column. Here are answers to some of your requests for more information.

For whether this has always been a long-distance relationship and how long we’ve been together, the answer is…four months, two and a half of which I’ve spent in his country. We’d met at a professional conference a few years back and stayed in touch as friends. When my divorce settlement finally worked its way through the court system, I decided I’d go on a trip somewhere nice, and he offered to host. I showed up, and… bam, love.

This sounds really bad, I know.

I’d gone on the trip hoping I could clear my head and figure out what to do next with my life – I knew I wanted a career change, and I knew I wanted to move somewhere different. I’d lived in his country before (loved it) and had a basic grasp of the language, and I’d been in a long-distance relationship before that prolonged something that really should have ended, so, moving over there as fast as humanly possible seemed the thing to do. I’d been broke prior to the divorce settlement and had been couch-surfing amongst the guest rooms of anyone who would take me. I was also unemployed, having not been able to hold a job for several years due to disability.

The disability in question is post-traumatic stress disorder. Most of the stereotypes of veterans startling from loud noises, fearing crowds, and needing to sit with their back to a wall so they can do threat surveillance will also apply to me. Luckily, my boyfriend is Mr. Tiny Village Country Life, so we already share the same basic preference for quiet places not around people, and apartments in tiny villages connected by train are also the ones that are the cheapest and most available. So most of our arguments boil down to him asking my opinion of a place, me offering a threat assessment (b/c PTSD), him getting frustrated I’m not giving him relatable information, and me feeling like he’s invalidating my disability. Or, I want the place with less foot traffic and he wants the place that’s closer to a grocery store. You know.

For getting a job and then moving – from the research I’ve done so far, it seems like the necessary order of operations will be moving, then getting a job. With my career gap the only success I’ve had moving to the interview stage has come from in-person networking, which obviously I can’t do from afar. Most jobs also want you to speak the language at a high intermediate level, and the language classes offered in my home region only go up to a low intermediate level. I can legally stay 90 out of every 180 days in his country on just a tourist visa, but that leaves me couch surfing in my home country among various mentally ill or misogynist relatives, plus it’s too short a duration in any one place to really make a social network or build up friends. I can make friendly acquaintances, but I have to leave before I can put the time in to make it something more. I have the money now to rent an apartment in my own country…but for the reasons described above, that would probably mean giving up on being able to move to my boyfriend’s.

For what the real issue is: we did, thanks to your advice, sit down and have a talk about this. It seems to boil down to, we have different ideas of what security looks like. For me, it’s having a place of my own or with someone I’m not going to need to up and run from (see: couch-surfing with misogynist and mentally ill relatives). For him, he recently got out of a toxic relationship (I totally believe it – his friends’ eyes get glassy at the mention of her name), and security means not stretching himself out of true for another person. Totally reasonable! I’ve decided to apply for Master’s programs in his country, in cities nearby but not in his city, and if something comes through on the job/housing front in the meantime, I can roll with it – unless you have other ideas?

Thanks, by the way, for pointing out that forgetting commitments isn’t necessarily a moral failing. I hadn’t had any experience (that I knew of) with people like this! But thinking back over things, he has a pattern of forgetting literally anything, without regard to how much he’s interested in it, how enjoyable the activity is, and how much he cares about the people involved. He forgot to bring things to his own beloved sister’s wedding. He forgot his own long COVID doctor’s appointments. From now on, I’m just going to assume that he has a leaky memory just like I can’t walk up hills without sweating like a hippo. People are different, it’s a thing, it happens.

Thanks again, Doc!

I Hate Apartments

DEAR I HATE APARTMENTS: Thanks for writing back with more information; that definitely helps clear up a few questions that I had.

I will say, however, that I don’t think this manifestly changes the advice I gave. While I understand your reasoning and the challenges you’re facing, I think that trying to move to a foreign country by finessing the paperwork around a tourist visa is going to put up so many roadblocks and hassles that it’s going to make trying to overcome them an exercise in frustration without a commensurate level of reward at the end. If anything, I think it would make trying to actually get a job even harder than it would be; what are you going to do if you reach a third round of interviews while you’re having to return home until you’re eligible for another tourist visa? And that’s before we get into questions about whether that country has laws about seeking employment on a non-employment visa…

There’s also the fact that, quite frankly, I think four months is far too early to be considering moving in together, especially in a foreign country. While every couple is different, the fact of the matter is that at four months – especially when only two of them have been in the same physical space – you barely know each other, and certainly not as a couple. You don’t speak the same “language” yet – as we’ve seen from your conflicts over finding an appropriate living situation – nor have you had the time together to really find your footing as a team, rather than two people who happen to be sharing a bed.

While I think seeing about pursuing an advanced degree in his country is a viable option, I do think that the best option you may have is one you like least: getting your own place and rebuilding your career in your home country. While I understand that this would mean putting your dream on immigrating on hold, it would only be on hold, not canceled or postponed indefinitely. Think of it as laying the groundwork for future success – not only with your resume and erasing that employment gap, but also managing your PTSD so that it isn’t as dominating a presence in your life. I suspect that once you smooth those particular rough patches, you’ll find it a lot easier to achieve your goals – from employment, to acquiring the necessary fluency, and to a mutually satisfactory living situation. And it will be far easier to accomplish all of them if you’re not feeling like you’re having to stay one step ahead of the gendarmerie. In the meantime, you two can work on communication and expectations and figuring out how to mesh well with one another, so that you both aren’t driving each other to frustration by not speaking the same metaphorical language.

Yes, it won’t be on the time table you would prefer, and I totally understand how frustrating that can be. But I suspect that being willing to press pause and lay the foundations now will make it all a much smoother, less maddening process overall and give your relationship a much stronger chance of making it through the chaos.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I met this guy through a friend six months ago, and eventually, we formed a great friend group together. Last New Year’s Eve, we went on holiday, and during a party, he kissed me. However, after kissing him for a bit, I pushed him away because I didn’t know him well enough, and there was alcohol involved, so I wasn’t sure if he was genuinely attracted to me or just influenced by the alcohol. The next day, we didn’t talk about it and acted like nothing had happened. Over time, we became friends, but the kiss remained unspoken, though not forgotten.

We continued to spend time together in group events, seeing each other about once a month. Then, we decided to go on holiday to my hometown, but this time, our mutual friend couldn’t join, so it was just him, a couple from my friends, and me. While there, he met my friends and family, stayed at my home, and was very caring and attentive. He was supportive and engaged with my daily problems, actively trying to help. He was always pleasant to be around, so I enjoyed his company.

About a month after our holiday, my mom visited us here, and he suggested organizing a thank-you dinner for her. I found this very thoughtful, as none of my other friends had come up with such an idea. During the dinner, he was really talkative and touchy — he caressed my hair and hugged me while we were walking, so I thought I was almost sure that he was interested in me.

Two days later, I sent him a message asking, “If you’re interested, would you like to do something together?”—hinting that I wanted it to just be the two of us. He dodged the question by saying how happy he was to see us all and that he preferred doing things with the friend group. He really emphasized “friends,” so in short, I was friend-zoned. I replied that it was okay and thanked him for clarifying where we stood, but he didn’t respond.

Since then, he’s disappeared. Even in group chats, he’s a ghost reader, and on social media, he lingers around as a viewer with no interactions. It has been two months and I am more than pissed than sad. Because I think I deserve an honest communication. I heard he said to our mutual friend that he fears destroying friendships but this is exactly what he does. He does not talk to me. I need help because I want to solve this but I do not know what to do.

Ghosted and Rejected

DEAR GHOSTED AND REJECTED: So, serious question here: what honest communication are you looking for? Because if I’m being real, it seems pretty clear that you’ve gotten one. He told you, straight up, that he’s not into you like that.  

Though, to be fair: it seems like you haven’t exactly encouraged him to see you as more than a friend, either. You pushed him away after he kissed you on New Years and there doesn’t seem to have been any other times in the span between then and when you asked him out that you’ve ever given him a hint that you might be interested. So by the time you got around to asking him on a date, I think he successfully picked up the message you were sending.

Now, there is a question to be raised about whether that was a message you wanted to send. The part that leaps out to me is when you say that the kiss went unspoken but not forgotten. The way you phrased your letter makes me wonder: did you tell him why you pushed him away? As in, did you say – ideally when he was sober – “hey, the kiss was nice, but I barely know you and we’d been drinking, so I don’t know if you like me or it was the booze”? Because if that also went unsaid, then I can see how he’d be working with the assumption that you’re just not into him that way.

But regardless of how we ended up here, this is where we are and now it’s a question of how to deal with things. And I think part of the issue here is that you seem to be leaping to some weird conclusions based more out of the sting of rejection than anything else.

From your letter, I can see two distinct possibilities about what’s going on. In the first, he’s feeling awkward about everything, so he’s taken a step back. Not the most mature decision, but not an uncommon one either. In the second, he’s got s--t going on that has absolutely nothing to do with you and it’s taking up his time, attention and/or energy and he’s retreated from things because he doesn’t have the bandwidth to spare.

But this also brings me to another question: have you reached out to him since all this went down? Is there a point in the last two months where you’ve reached out and said “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while, is everything ok?” Or has this been mutual radio silence? This is going to make a pretty significant difference in how I would interpret things. If it’s the former… well, I think the answer is that he’s pulled back from you. If it’s the latter… well, I could see how he’d see your lack of communication as being a sign that you’re upset at him and responding accordingly.

This is a situation where someone needs to make the first move and it may as well be you. Seeing as you were the one who was rejected, I think being the one to try to break the awkward silence seems appropriate. I tell guys all the time that if they don’t things to be awkward after being turned down, they need to make it not be awkward, and that applies here, too. Reaching out with a “hey, long time no speak, you doing alright?” would be a step towards figuring out where you stand and what to do next. If it is the case that he’s neck deep in s--t and getting deeper, then offering support or assistance would be good. If it’s that he feels worried that things are going to be awkward between you, then making a move to push through the awkward would be equally helpful. And if it’s the case that he’s pulled back because he doesn’t want to be friends (for some unknown reason)… well, now at least you have an answer, because no answer is an answer. But if he comes back later on, then you can at least take this as a likely sign that he was working on things on his own.

Send out a signal flare and see how he responds. What you get back will tell you where you stand.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE:  I’m writing to you from the other side of relationships. I’m a woman most of your clients would call “out of the league”.

One of the emails from your blog triggered me: a guy was dating a sex worker. She moved back to her home country and had some hardships, while he was only concerned about their relationship status.

I’ve been on a dating market for a while and have to complain: guys don’t see us as real human beings with our personalities, feelings and problems. Their insecurities are blinding and fill the entire space.

Reassuring becomes my second job, without compensation though. While I should need real help or emotional support they are not there.

I speak up openly about my issues (work, family, health, finance). But most of our talks slide down to my male colleagues or my past dating life. I feel myself unseen and unimportant.

How can I be more visible as a real person?

More Than Your Fantasy

DEAR MORE THAN YOUR FANTASY: This is one of those times when the answer is going to depend on whether this is a constant thing or a “this comes up occasionally” kind of problem. It’s one thing if this is a “they’re generally well-meaning and just need a metaphorical poke to make them aware of what they’re doing”. But if it’s really the case that every guy you’ve been dating just treats you like a voice assistant with a therapy plugin, then I’ve got an answer, but I don’t think you’re going to like it:

Date better men. Even if it means being single for a while until you find them.

You know how often I’m saying “the problem you have isn’t the problem you think you have”? Well, I think I’m going to add a corollary to this: “you’re asking the wrong question.” The problem here isn’t about being more visible as a real problem – kind of – it’s that you’re asking about what you need to do to be a “real” person to the people you’re interested in dating and that’s a mistake. You’re functionally asking for instructions in how to change the minds of other people who, for whatever reason, don’t see you as a whole person and not as an extension of their desires or fantasies and don’t seem that interested in changing.

My question for you is: why are you treating this as something that you need to fix? This isn’t a “you” problem; you’re not insufficiently “real”, you’re not at fault here. You’re dealing with people who are too focused on themselves to see you. Why is this your problem to fix? Why do you need to advocate for your validity in their minds? And more to the point: why do you want to date someone whose view of you as a person requires you to break through their self-focus in order to be seen as a person with needs, desires and layers? Is that a level of effort that you’re willing to make as the price of entry for being with that particular person?

We’ll start with pre-empting the inevitable (and unnecessary) #notallmen – a classic “if this doesn’t describe you, then we’re not talking about you and you don’t need to get your special little stamp”. But here’s the thing: you’re not wrong about the number of men who behave like this or who don’t seem to realize that they’re doing this. It’s pretty well documented that women do a lot of what’s called “kinkeeping” and emotional labor in relationships. These imbalances in (straight, cis) relationships are very strongly tilted towards women, and it ties into the various comments people have made about the “man crisis” and “are straight men OK?” It ties into the ways that men, quite frankly, have been disserved by society’s rigid adherence to toxic, restrictive and isolating ideas about masculinity and men’s roles and duties in relationships. As Twitter user DaperDono put it in a famous Twitter thread: “Men now have to get women to like them and they haven’t been likable.” And he’s not wrong.

For a long time, men were encouraged to be emotionally distant, to treat emotions as inconvenient at best and an active hindrance at worst and to see women in their lives as accessories and employees. This was accepted and tolerated in no small part because women literally relied on men for survival. As Dono points out: we’re only two generations away from a time when women legally couldn’t have their own bank accounts without a man signing off on it.

As we move closer to equity and parity among genders and having a male caretaker (father or husband) isn’t a matter of survival for women, there’s still a lot of societal pressure for men to conform to these old, restrictive gender roles, regardless of the harm that it causes them. Worse, there’s really not a lot of resources or education for men from other men in breaking those roles and adapting to new ones. In many ways, the same dynamic has simply shifted; instead of just being unpaid social secretaries, women are also finding themselves dragooned into the role of therapist and emotional educator, while men continue to isolate themselves. And while many men are at least aware that something is off – a malaise that was captured most effectively 25 years ago in f--king Fight Club of all things – they haven’t fully accepted that it’s that the world has changed and they need to change accordingly. It’s the dawning realization that – as Dan Olson put it – the rewards they were promised for being men will never be delivered and certainly not in the form that they’re expecting.

It also needs to be acknowledged that there are also folks who are aware of these changes and have decided that the answer is “to stand athwart the progress of history and say ‘stop’.” J.D Vance, Andrew Tate, Tucker Carlson or the even bigger weirdos like “Bronze Age Pervert” all base their careers on trying to try to force the world to turn backwards to a mythical “golden age” (fantasy versions of the 1950s, 1850s or 450 BCE, depending on which freakazoid happen to be in ascendence at any particular moment) where “men were men and women knew their place.”

This is why I say that you’re asking the wrong question. It’s not, nor should it be, your job to try to find the magic words that will make people you’re dating see you as a holistic individual. It’s not on you to train these men up to being men instead of boys. That’s ultimately just shifting the responsibility and adding one more thing to the pile of what women are expected to do for straight men, rather than something straight men should be doing for themselves.

Yes, it’s true that there’re damn few resources out there for men and I know there’s a whole lot of discourse about how saying “be better” isn’t enough, especially when it feels like there’re few alternatives. But the idea that your personhood should be contingent on knowing the exact right way to pierce through an individual’s self-involvement is just shifting responsibility from them to you. So unless someone has already demonstrated that they’re already on the path and just needs a little encouragement or a nudge, I’d suggest that you’d do better to hold out for someone who doesn’t need you to be able to recite the magic formula before offering you the social and emotional equity people deserve from their partners.

This is why I say the answer to your problem is “date better men, even if it means being single for longer than you’d prefer.” Otherwise you’re going to end up having variations of this problem until you luck out and find someone who’s already doing the work on their own.

It’s frustrating to be sure and absolutely not ideal. But sometimes the best encouragement for men to step up and start fixing things for themselves is to stop automatically expecting women to do it for them. You don’t need – or want – a fixer-upper. Find someone who’s already prepared to date a person and not an accessory with nifty features, even if it means that you’ll be looking for a while longer. It’s better to be lonely because you’re alone than to be lonely because you’re with someone who doesn’t see you as a person.

Good luck.

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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com