DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been seeing a friend of mine for 8 months now. I proposed that we start dating, which I wanted and still want, but she didn’t. During this time, we’ve ‘broken up’ a few times, always at her initiative, because she felt it wasn’t fair to me, but we always got back together shortly after.��Overall, what kept me around is that the relationship itself is basically dating. We do everything a couple does, and we don’t really hide it from our friends, so I didn’t see a reason to give up on her since everything seemed fine, despite some insecurities here and there… But in the last month, I’ve been feeling really jealous of her.��She and I have always had this thing where we flirt by teasing each other, and lately, she’s been teasing me by making me jealous, which I haven’t liked at all. It felt like she was rubbing it in my face that she could leave at any moment. I talked to her about it, and she stopped, and she’s been really nice since then. But I don’t know… Yesterday, she accidentally referred to her ex as her ‘boyfriend,’ which she corrected right away, but I’ve always felt like she hasn’t gotten over him yet. And today, when I asked if she thought about being with other people, she said no, but… ‘maybe.’ Now I don’t know if I should stay in this relationship or not. What should I do?
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Half In Half Out
DEAR HALF IN HALF OUT: Here’s my question for you, HIHO: what does “dating” mean to you? What would be different from what you currently have with your fling, situationship (ugh), FWB, whatever you want to call it, if you had a different label? What, specifically, do you feel is missing, if you’re “basically” dating already?
I suspect that part of the answer is “security”. One of the things about casual relationships is that, by their nature, they tend to be tenuous and ephemeral. They can be like a soap bubble; you might be able to hold one for a little while if you’re very careful, but even the slightest twitch can make it pop. And considering how you’ve ‘broken up’ a few times (in eight months at that), I can see how that would be an issue for you.
But a label isn’t necessarily the same thing as actual security. I think the real answer is less “security” and more easing your anxiety. I’m willing to bet that the real answer would be your no longer feeling like she’s got one foot out the door and could leave at any time. And… well, I hate to tell you this, but nothing is going to fix that. Nothing external to you, anyway. What you’re feeling is anxiety and anxiety isn’t logical. That’s why we call it “anxiety”. Changing the label on your relationship isn’t going to make that go away; that’s going to have to come from within.
Here’s the thing: part of the reason why you’re experiencing anxiety over this is that you’ve made a very common mistake. You decided that you’d rather have her in this limited capacity than risk not having a relationship with her at all. But that choice comes with certain costs and one of those costs is understanding that this isn’t a “serious” relationship… and that means she may well choose to end it at any time and without warning.
(To be fair, this is true of all relationships, regardless of the label we slap on them. But again: this is part of why we call it “anxiety”.)
You, I’m guessing, feel like you’re more invested in this relationship than she is. You have more skin in the game, which makes you less likely to up and leave, but since it feels like she doesn’t, it feels like she might just up and go. That’s part of why those teasing jokes just hit the wrong way. There’s no malice behind them, but they’re poking you in a sore spot. She was teasing you like that because I suspect that she took you at your word when you said it was cool to have this FWB/situationship instead of something deeper, and thought it would be ok to joke about the nature of your relationship… in no small part because you basically told her you were cool with it. It’s good that you spoke up and said that those jokes hurt, and it’s good that she immediately cut it out… but you kind of stepped into it when you agreed to this relationship.
And while I understand your anxiety – trust me, I do – you’re not really helping yourself here. If anything, you’re making things worse when you do things like asking if she ever thinks about being with someone else. I know you’re asking for reassurance, but what you’re actually doing is trying to figure out just how close the end really is. You may not realize it… but that’s basically what you’re doing.
It’s also why you zeroed in on a very common and likely inconsequential misstatement. Her calling her ex her boyfriend isn’t some Freudian slip, it’s a neuron misfiring because he did used to be her boyfriend and that’s what she’s likely most used to referring to him as. There’s no deeper meaning there, no sign that she’s secretly still not over him, it’s just a slip of the tongue. But it’s hitting you in the brain because you’re in hypervigilance mode, trying to figure out just when the break up is going to happen and from what angle. And my guy, I hate to tell you this, but that’s really no way to feel in a relationship. Even a casual one.
That’s why I hate to say it, but I think you have to let this relationship go and accept that you can’t do something this casual. Possibly not with anyone, but especially not with her. I think that the cost of entry is going to be more than you’re willing or able to pay.
I get that you care for her. I get that you want more from this and I believe you were sincere when you agreed to settle for the kind of relationship you have now, even if it wasn’t what you wanted. I also think she genuinely cares for you. Maybe not in the way you wish she did or to the depth that you want, but still sincerely and as deeply as she can. But I think the nature of this relationship is ultimately not good for you. Some folks can compartmentalize, put aside certain feelings and accept what they have and be satisfied with it. I don’t think you’re one of those people and that’s ok. But I think that trying to be that kind of person is hurting you and I think it’s ultimately going to hurt your relationship with your friend – romantically and platonically. There’s only so long you can live in this state of hypervigilance before it starts to wear you down and grind away until you’re just raw nerves and anxiety. It’ll be better for you to be in a relationship where you aren’t constantly feeling like the Sword of Damocles is going to fall at any moment.
As much as it is going to hurt in the short term, even the medium term, I think you need to be willing to end this and move on. Take time to mourn what was and what could have been, feel all the feels about how much it sucks, and then let it go. There will be numbness and occasional shocks of pain, but the pain will stop happening so often and the numbness will fade and one day – sooner than you expect – you’ll suddenly realize that you feel ok.
And not long after that, you’ll realize you’re ready to try again. Just this time, with someone who is ready to be as invested as you are.
Good luck.
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Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com