DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: You’ve addressed similar questions before, but I wanted to come at my problem in more specific terms. I’m a 42M virgin. Never been in a relationship. Lots of reasons, but I would say the first is because I prioritized other things when I was younger and always thought there’d be time.

A close second, though, would be that I’m very reluctant to aggressively “chase” women. I’m not at all proactive when it comes to romance. Basically, every woman I’ve ever been attracted to had options, and I just wasn’t interested in competing with other men to get their attention. I also have a hard time giving off “sexual vibes” and breaking the touch barrier with women I’m attracted to. These passive traits of mine have always been a huge detriment to me, but especially at this age, where I feel most women expect the man to take the lead.

My question, then: Is it possible for me to become more aggressive in my pursuits, given my personality and lack of experience? If so, how can I go about learning this behavior without fundamentally changing who I am? Conversely, are there any other options for me to find a partner outside of “fixing” these issues of mine, or am I otherwise a lost cause?

Thanks for your advice!

Whose Move Is It?

DEAR WHOSE MOVE IS IT: I think you’re asking the wrong question, WMII. Especially since your question is “how do I make this change without actually changing” which is, y’know, not possible.

The issue is that you’re framing this as passivity, rather than confronting the real issue: you don’t feel like women would be interested in you, and you’re avoiding the possibility of rejection because of it. This is the root issue of a lot of approach anxiety; 9 times out of 10, people who deal with approach anxiety are ultimately dealing with the fear that they aren’t “good” enough for the women they want to date. They’re afraid that there’s just no “there” there, no reason for women to be interested in continuing the conversation or even to acknowledge them in the first place. The passivity is a cover for this anxiety – it gives a permission structure for doing nothing without acknowledging the actual underlying fear.

I suspect that this is also part of why “you always thought there’d be time”; the time that you thought you had more of wasn’t “I’d have more available spoons” so much as a point where you wouldn’t feel like you had to keep putting it off.

I mean, it doesn’t exactly take Sherlock Holmes or Sigmund Freud to see this; the comments about women “having options” and “competing with other men for her attention” are pretty glaring in their obviousness. Why would she be interested in you if she had other possible suitors? What would motivate her to keep engaging with you when other people – handsomer, more charming, more interesting, “better” people – exist and may even be in the same bar as you? The same goes with not being good at giving off “sexual vibes”; you can’t really give them off if you don’t think you have any sex appeal to start with.

Here’s the thing: this is all about avoiding the discomfort of making yourself vulnerable and risking rejection by people who would be “confirming” that you’re not “good enough”. After all, if a woman ultimately made the first move, that would imply that she is so strongly attracted to you that she was motivated to buck socialization and do the heavy lifting for you, so you don’t have to worry about that fear of her realizing that you weren’t worth her time. That’s what this all comes down to: waiting for someone else to alleviate your fears for you, rather than confronting them yourself. If I had a nickel for every time I dealt with someone who expressed a variation of those comments, I could buy a really nice mid-life-crisis-mobile – maybe that Chevy Thriftmaster restomod I’ve dreamed about for years. I know matte black is kind of a cliché, but with some cherry wood paneling and chrome finishes to contrast on the interior…

Sorry, got distracted for a moment there.

The point is that you see women as being the ultimate arbiters of who gets dates – the gatekeepers of sex – and as such, they’re supposedly incentivized to only pay attention to “the best”.

This is just another variation of the whole “20% of men date 80% of the women” s—t that goes around every few months, and it all comes down to this weird belief that women are weighing each guy they meet against all the others and only choosing the “top” options. Except that’s not how people actually date. Guys aren’t being measured against one another, it’s whether she likes you or doesn’t like you. You’re not “competing” against other men, you’re competing against a night at home alone with a glass of wine, Nobody Asked For This queued up and a romantic interlude with Bob the Battery Operated Boyfriend. And even if she’s seeing other people while also seeing you, it’s still a question of how she feels about you, specifically, not “how do she feels about you in comparison to Tim, Dashell and/or Horton.”

(I would also point out that you have options as well, just like women do – whether you notice those options or like them doesn’t change the fact that you have them. And women, too, have to “compete” for men’s attention; in fact, that notion’s so normalized and mainstream that it’s easy to forget that just how much content there is out there for women that’s all about how to capture and keep a guy’s attention and out-compete other women…)

So if you want to learn to be more assertive and to take the initiative, you’re going to have to let go of the idea that this is all due to inherent passivity and instead focus on how you feel about yourself. You have to be your first, biggest and most vocal supporter, hype man and cheerleader; if you don’t believe in your own worth and your own value, nobody else is going to do it for you. You have to treat your being a virgin – older or not – as being an individual data point, rather than something shameful or definitional. And not the most relevant or important data point either, just one individual aspect of who you are.

Feeling more confident in yourself and what you bring to the table cuts through the anxiety because now you don’t feel like you have to “justify” your interest in someone else. Instead, you’re in a place where you can come to every interaction with “ok, I know you’re attractive, but what about you makes you a good match for me?” Instead of seeing it as “I have to compete for her attention” or “I have to prove I’m the best option” – and thus, coming to the interaction from a place of insecurity – you’re able to focus on getting to know the other person, connecting with them and seeing them as a potential partner, rather than someone who’s approval you have to not just seek but drag up from negative numbers.

That also means that you’re going to have to be comfortable with seeing yourself as a sexual being – not just sexually desirable but someone who is sexual. You can’t give “sexual” vibes if you feel like you’re null or unsexy. The fact that you haven’t had sex doesn’t preclude you from having sexuality. Being a virgin or not is just a matter of having had a specific experience. Sexuality is your relationship with sex and with yourself. It’s in as much in how you move, how you carry yourself and how you interact with other people as it is what bases you’ve hit or how many people you’ve made squishy noises with. Part of what makes Regé-Jean Page sexy in Bridgerton is the way that he makes something as simple as eating from a spoon is a sensual act. It’s a literal performance and one that is practiced, not inherent because he ticked off enough notches in his bedpost and leveled up.

Does the fact that you’re a virgin limit you? No. Your attitude about being a virgin does. So does your relationship with yourself, your body, your everything. If you can learn to see yourself as a sexy, sexy man and how to express it, being a virgin becomes a quirk or possibly even a value-add for people. And part of understanding your value means being willing to dismiss people who do have a problem with your virginity as being a bad match for you, rather than seeing it as proof that there’s something wrong with you.

And yes, this will require making changes to who you are as a person. Trying to accomplish this without actually changing just means that you’re putting up a false front, a potentially pleasing façade with no substance. Those are the sorts of tricks that pick-up artists have been trying for decades and not only do they not work, they actually hinder you because you will always know that it’s fake and be waiting for the moment that women will realize it.

And they will. Like I said: PUAs have been pulling that s—t for decades and women aren’t stupid.    

Now to be sure, there’s nothing wrong with not being the more aggressive partner in the relationship, nor is there a problem with being drawn to women who are more aggressive or assertive than you. But even someone who’s less assertive has to actually put themselves out there. The (still) popular belief that all a woman has to do is exist in order to get dates and attention is based out of not recognizing or understanding the amount of effort that women put into being approachable. Between styling and presentation, trying to signal interest without being too obvious and often straining their backs by trying to carry on a conversation all by themselves with a guy who never asks a single question about them, even women who take a more “traditional” role in the approach/approached dynamic are doing a metric f--kton of work.

So if you want to be approached rather than doing the approaching, you’re going to have to be willing to make similar efforts… and even then you’re going to have to take steps to try to find the women who are more interested in taking the lead. And that’s not going to happen if you don’t actually believe in your own worth first; if you don’t see it in yourself, other folks simply aren’t going to be so motivated to do it for you. And even then, that’s not going to make you immune to rejection. As any woman who’s been approached can tell you, someone else making the first move doesn’t mean they won’t reject you. It just means they decided to make the first move.

So stop thinking of this in terms of “passivity” and instead start confronting the underlying anxiety. Passivity is the way you’re trying to protect yourself from what you fear. Focus on building up the substance, recognizing your own value and becoming more in tune with yourself as a sexual being. Once you start believing in that, the rest is a matter of practice.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: It’s been a while and I read your article on “Leveling Up” and after the initial trauma and breakdown of not feeling good enough I wanted to paint a picture of all the progress I’ve made this year.

I finally started my career after being stuck for 5 years out of college and grad school. Got a car and lost 35lbs (plan on losing up to 45). I also found a social space where I feel like I belong and can hang out with like-minded people. I’m fixing my diet, wardrobe and social skills to varying degrees of success. I’ve pretty much fixed my attitude towards women and no longer feel that crippling lack of self-esteem. I go out every week to D&D at that same social space and meet new people every time there. After someone I had a crush on showed genuine interest in me (even if it didn’t work out) it REALLY helped my confidence. I took Krav Maga for a few months and learned a bit about how to kick ass and defend myself as well as the people around me. I went skydiving because it terrified me and I didn’t want that fear (even if justified) to control me.

Basically, I feel dateable now.

Still….

I can’t help but feel I’m lacking that thing, that skill, that I’m able to really show off and point to and say “SEE I HAVE A LIFE F--K YOU!” I love exploring new places and have been getting back in touch with things I loved in childhood and that’s the next step of my process. Is this having a life? Am I doing enough “Doing?”

I’m still a work in progress but I’ve made so MUCH progress I just want to know if I’m on the right track. Do I have things I can bring to the table?

Am I On My Way?

DEAR AM I ON MY WAY: You’ve made a lot of progress, AIOMW and you should be proud of it all. That’s a hell of a lot of personal growth and a lot of effort and it’s all incredibly commendable. I want you to keep up the good work and really acknowledge that you’ve done some amazing s--t.

So let’s take a moment and dig into why it feels like this isn’t “enough” or like you want to have something you can point to.

The reason you feel like this is simple: you feel like you’ve got something to prove, and you’re not sure you can prove it. Why? Well, partly because there’s an understandable feeling that if you hit that level, there should be some sort of “click”, some moment where you hear the “ding” of an unlocked achievement or a level up screen opens and you get to distribute your new points. Something that would be clear and unmistakable thing that you could point to and say “see? SEE?”

But here’s the thing: it doesn’t work like that.

It’s not just that you have something to prove, but you also aren’t sure who you’re trying to prove it to. Whose judgement are you looking to? Who are you treating as the authority whose approval you have to win? What metric are you using to measure this and why do you think that is going to be accepted as evidence that you’ve done it? Why do you choose that particular thing as your unit of measurement and how is it at all relevant to anything else in your life? Especially when what one person may see as valid or acceptable may be entirely different from someone else’s?

Who, in other words, are you allowing to be the authority over your life and to give you permission to feel good about yourself? And – importantly – why is it not you? Why is it so important that other people validate something that’s entirely up to you?

This is one of the reasons why, when it comes to what you’re bringing to the table, you want it to be things that have meaning to you, not things that you think you should want because it’s what you think other people want. The things you bring to the table should be things that are authentic to who you are. It doesn’t do you any good, for example, to focus on trying to make money if you’re doing so because you think women want money. All you’re doing is trying to mold yourself into being someone that people you don’t necessarily even like would approve of.

But I’m also going to let you in on a secret: there’s not really an end to your journey, just the end to a particular part of it. When I first started studying martial arts, I was focused entirely on getting my black belt; this was going to be when I knew I had reached the top of the mountain. But once I got it, I learned that this wasn’t the end. It wasn’t even the beginning of the end. It was the end of the beginning. Once I got my black belt, I realized that this was the start of realizing how much I didn’t know, how much more there was to learn and how much growing there still was to do. That’s not a bad thing though; the only things that stop growing and changing are the dead. You will be growing and changing and learning throughout your life. The only question is if you’re going to direct it or let it happen.

You’ve made a hell of a lot of progress. There’s still more progress to be made. This doesn’t mean that you haven’t made “enough” and it doesn’t mean that you don’t have a life. It just means that you’re seeing that the mountain continues. You can take a moment and rest, you can decide if your journey stops here, or you can decide if you want to keep going.

But here’s a little hint to help you know if you’re still on the right path: how do you feel? Do you have things that satisfy you, things that make you feel content when you go to bed at night and ready to attack the world when you get up in the morning? Do you have things that make you feel accomplished and proud, things that make you feel like you’re part of something bigger than yourself? That maybe you’ve made the world a little bit better through your actions? That you can be proud of what you’ve done, even if it seems so very minor or even unimportant to other people?

If you can say “yes”… you’re on the right path. The path will have twists and turns and switchbacks. You may find that you’ve hit dead ends and have to double back – paths that seemed right but turned out differently than you expected. Or you may find that you’ve outgrown the path your on and it’s time to find a new one. You may find yourself going off in directions you never dreamed when you first started out, but realize in hindsight are the natural evolution of your journey. That’s all fine. We’re all works in progress.

Focus on that feeling of satisfaction and contentment and pay attention to what’s making you dissatisfied and why. Find the things that speak to your soul, and you’ll rarely steer yourself wrong.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m 26 years old and have barely any experience with women, I’ve had about 5 or 6 dates total and slept with one woman, though I felt forced into that and found out that I don’t enjoy casual sex as in sex just for the sake of a release. For me I have to know them at least a little and have intimacy to be enjoyable. I also rarely ever went out unless it was with friends, who describe me as witty and funny.

I’m currently in therapy and I have started exercising more, with my favourite activity been indoor wall climbing as well as meditating every night. I wouldn’t say I have trouble making friends as a lot of people at work do come up to me to talk even when I just walk in, and I make friends while wall climbing and we get along like we have been friends for years. I’ve also started going out more on my own to stuff like gigs and just out in general, even though it feels really uncomfortable.

I however can’t say I have the same experience with women. I have never been in a relationship and I don’t notice when a woman is interested, even after trying to learn the different signs, I’m really bad at reading body language. I only know of one time a woman was actively interested in me and that was after a gig last year when she sat next to me and introduced herself and we got talking, though it took me a year to realise this and I completely missed the opportunity and bottled it.

I’m currently taking a break from dating apps, as they are quite bad, though I did somehow get more matches than my friends on there, I think I was around 270 matches after a couple of years of been on it on and off, but I could never get a date, even with the ones that were interested and we seemed to click. I also don’t approach women in person because again I never notice anyone that would actually be interested. Though my friends don’t have any trouble getting dates and into relationships and seem to have the utmost confidence that I can do it and keep pushing me forward.

How am I supposed to accept myself and feel like I’m attractive when I’m clearly not, even when I do come across the 1 in a million who is interested I just end up bottling that anyway, I do even ask them out directly once we have built rapport but I get a maybe answer at best. I feel like giving up as clearly I’m not cut out for this at all.

Regards

Champion Of Bottling It

DEAR CHAMPION OF BOTTLING IT: I’ve been doing a horror movie marathon lately, so I’ve got creature features on the brain lately, COBI. Which is appropriate because there’s a story that’s relevant to your situation.

A movie came out in 1982 with a storied director who had already redefined the horror genre, and was stuffed with an absolutely astounding cast. It was unique and atmospheric, incredibly tense, full of powerful scares that have never been replicated, masterfully directed, wonderfully acted and featured ground-breaking, genre-defining practical effects by one of the universally acclaimed masters of the craft and an ending all but guaranteed to keep audiences talking about what it all meant.

It sank like a f--king rock at the box office.

It was pilloried by critics, who called it “the quintessential movie for morons” and “instant junk”. Even Rodger Ebert – someone who had an eye for genre films that other critics disdained – said that it was underwhelming and the characters were just stereotypes there to pad out the body count. The box office failure nearly destroyed the director’s career and the careers of everyone involved with the movie. Universal was so upset at the failure that they chose to buy out the director’s three-picture deal rather than have him continue to work for them. 

But while the movie failed at the box office, it quickly became a darling of home video and cable and was a (forgive me) monster hit. Ten years later, critics had revised their opinion, calling it a masterpiece and a pinnacle of the genre. Since then, John Carpenter’s The Thing has been hailed not just as one of the best movies of 1982, but as one of the best science fiction and horror movies of all time.

And to be clear: this wasn’t because someone found a rare cut that changed the story. It wasn’t re-edited, reshot or changed in any way.  It was always an amazing movie and one that has had a profound influence on filmmakers and the film industry in general… even though people at the time didn’t see it that way. 

Why do I bring this up? Because it’s an example of how people can be completely goddamn wrong . And they can be wrong for no real reason other than vague expectations and comparisons to things that were night-and-day different from what it was. 

It was always a great movie, despite its lack of box office success. We can argue about whether it was sunk by word of mouth, whether it was bad timing or if critics simply got it wrong, but the fact remains that it was and had always been one of the masterpieces of the genre and a stunning display of talent and craft, no matter what people thought at the time.

So let me drag this tortured metaphor into relevance for a moment. One of the frequent arguments I field from folks who – like you – insist that its absurd to think you’re desirable or wanted when other people seemingly disagree. After all, if you’re not up to your eyeballs in ass, how could you say that you’re a hot piece of meat?

Well, for a number of reasons, not the least of which being that people can and frequently are wrong… and that includes the person judging themselves. One of the issues here is that you’re assuming a lot of facts that aren’t in evidence and not picking up that maybe you’re wrong about those facts. 

I mean, have you actually read the letter you sent me? You say that it’s objectively the case that nobody is attracted to you after two paragraphs where you mention that a) you have people who come up and talk to you regularly, b) make friends fairly easily, c) you aren’t good at telling when people are attracted to you and d) there have been multiple instances of people who were. Such as, say, the two hundred and seventy matches you’ve had on dating apps. You also mention that you rarely go out, don’t talk to women you’re interested in and rarely ask out the ones you do talk to.

So to recap: you’re not good at picking up on signals, you’re unaware of when people are into you despite it having happened on multiple occasions, you don’t go out and meet people very often and when you do you don’t talk to them or ask them out because you don’t believe they could possibly be into you.

Have you considered that maybe you’re not the best judge of whether or not you’re actually attractive to others? 

Now while some of this is a matter of things being uncomfortable simply because you’re unfamiliar and unused to going out on your own, it’s pretty clear to me that this is very much a case of “the call is coming from inside the house”.

Part of the problem is that yes, you aren’t great at picking up signals from others. This is in part a skill and experience issue and it’s something that you have to level up through practice, risking rejection and putting yourself out there. As with any skill, you improve it by putting it to deliberate use. Part of how we go from being uncomfortable with a situation to totally at ease is through repetition and experience. When you don’t know what to expect or have never experienced something before, it’s natural to be a little tense and unsure. Exposure and repetition is part of how we learn to get used to something. Go out on your own with an aim to have a good time enough times and it becomes something you’re familiar with. Get used to talking to folks and it quits being intimidating because you’ve done it so many times. Simple enough.

But like I said: that’s only part of the problem. The other part of the problem, and the much bigger one, is that you don’t believe in your own attractiveness, which means that even if the signals were there, you wouldn’t believe them. You’ve created a negative feedback loop out of confirmation bias – the cognitive bias that causes you to notice things that reaffirm what you already believe and discount what goes against those beliefs. So when someone, say, chats you up at a concert or goes out of her way to talk to you at a bookstore or when you’re at the climbing gym, you’re already primed to miss, ignore or rationalize away signs of interest, while playing up signs of disinterest. Sure, she made a point of coming over, complimenting you, getting in your personal space and laughing way, way too hard at your jokes… but that could be anything. No point in taking that seriously because who could possibly be interested in you?

You’ve created circumstances where the only way you’re going to believe that someone is genuinely into you is if they move heaven and earth to demonstrate it – something that most people aren’t going to do because, frankly, your behavior actively discourages it. You can’t rely on folks to push through your seeming lack of interest or wait for someone to hit you with the clue-by-four to ensure that you realize that they want to go on a date with you. Even someone who is madly in love will give up eventually when they get nothing from the other person. And it’s going to be hard to get a date with that supposed one-in-a-million when your general attitude seems to be “it’s ok if you don’t to go out with me; I wouldn’t go out with me either.” You wouldn’t want to date someone with that attitude, so why would anyone else?

This is why I tell people that if you want to stop feeling unwanted, the first thing you have to do is change how you see yourself. You have to be willing to believe in yourself before other people will, because without that base belief, you won’t be able to accept it from others. If you want people to start realizing that you’re the hottest thing since World War III, you have to start by treating yourself that way. You need to be your own best friend and number one hype man, because otherwise you won’t be willing or able to accept that other people might feel that way too. And I know you already know this because you have your close friends telling you this and you still don’t believe them. Your brain is rationalizing it as “they would say that because they’re my friends”, rather than accepting that maybe they’re telling you the truth. But since you don’t believe it, you can’t accept it from them.

So here’s your homework: you need to start treating yourself like the hot piece of ass you are. Even if it feels weird, uncomfortable, cringe or fake. I want you to start choosing to dress in clothes that fit well – ones that you feel like you “can’t” wear or that “aren’t you” – in the style that you think only cool or desirable people wear. These are clothes that you would wear if you felt like you were a sexy badass, and you’re going to start wearing them now. Not just when you’re “going out”, but in your daily life too. You don’t need to be a fashion plate and always up on the latest trends, but you should still feel like you’re hot even when you’re dressed to go to work, going to the gym or generally being a bum around the house. You’re training your brain to accept that you can feel like you’re hot by behaving like you were already.

Similarly, I want you to look in the mirror each day, after you’ve showered, gotten dressed and ready for the day, and verbally acknowledge three things about you that you like or look good. This needs to be different things each day, so no just repeating things or getting lazy; you want to take the time to genuinely look yourself over and say “Jean-Claude van DAMN I look nice.” Maybe your hair is especially on point that day or the shirt really brings out your eyes. Maybe the weather’s changed enough that you can wear that awesome jacket you love as a statement piece or you’ve put together an especially snazzy outfit that day.

And the last part of your homework is that I want you to start behaving and believing that the people you’re talking to – whether it’s a co-worker, the barista making your latte or the sexy someone asking if you could belay her at the climbing wall – already like you, because of course they would. You don’t need to act like they’re all about to vault onto your particular pole or beg for you to come wiz zem to ze Casbah, just that they already think you’re a cool person. This alone is like a Jedi mind trick and one that will massively change how people respond to you. I know it sounds like woo-woo feel good bulls--t, but it works. Your choosing to believe that people already like you causes you to behave differently; you’re friendlier and more open, exuding warmth to others and you’re more likely to see their behavior in a positive and affirming light. That encourages them to respond accordingly, because you’re making them feel good and inviting them to match your energy. This is a pure, self-induced feedback loop – your belief changes your behavior, your behavior changes their behavior, their behavior reaffirms your belief.

It’s pure fake-it-till-you-make-it, but it causes you to make it because you’re putting it all into practice until it becomes a habit. Because yes, how you see yourself is a habit. How you choose to think about yourself and relate to others is a habit. You are in the habit of believing the worst about yourself. Now it’s time to get in the habit of believing the best about yourself. After all, if confirmation bias is going to reaffirm what you already believe, you may as well believe things that help you.

But – I hear you cry – how could I believe it if other people clearly don’t agree? Well, then I would remind you of the story of The Thing… just because other people don’t believe something doesn’t mean that they’re right. So the first and most important voice you should be listening to is your own, especially when others disagree.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com