DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Flirting, showing attraction to others, and all dating skills are skills, right? And like all skills, require making mistakes and learning from them in order to get better, right? So HOW is any man who is not good at these supposed to get better at them if there’s no grace given whatsoever for any misstep?
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If I’m attracted to a few women in my social circle, I get one or two, MAYBE three chances at max before I start to get a reputation, thus poisoning the well when it comes to any further attempts. Is THAT enough practice to get good at this?
Do I really have to be a guy with an extensive amount of non-intersecting social circles before I’m even allowed to try dating? Is online dating really the only option here?
How is it even possible to get better at flirting, dating, and attraction given all these hurdles?
Stuck On The Struggle Bus
DEAR STUCK ON THE STRUGGLE BUS: When I talk about responding to the problems in your head rather than the ones that happen in life, this is precisely the sort of thing that I’m talking about.
The issue here is that you’ve created a scenario in which you have to walk a perilously thin line and setting a foot wrong in any direction is going to have dire and lasting consequences. Which would be something to be concerned about if this situation actually exists outside of your own expectations.
Here is an important question for you to answer: is this nightmare scenario happening now? Has this actually, demonstrably and unquestionably happened, either to you or that you witnessed personally, or is it something that you’ve heard of third hand? Doubly or triply so if this is based on other people’s stories from social media (particularly TikTok, Instagram or YouTube).
Was this “reputation” issue something you experienced or have personally seen the results of, or is it a situation where the actual outcome was up to interpretation? If it has happened to someone else, are you sure you have the entire story and not just a highly and selectively edited version – especially one that just happens to coincide with what you already expect?
And more to the point: have you actually done anything that might trigger these results, or is this just what you’re afraid might happen if you actually did something?
Here’s the thing: these all sound like excuses to avoid actually putting yourself out there and talking to people, not things that you’ve actually experienced. It takes very little to go from “the thing I’m afraid will happen” to “the thing that absolutely will happen” and for folks to be 100% certain of the accuracy and inevitability. They can illustrate their reasoning for everything with charts and graphs that show how obvious it is that this would be the result and why they can’t do anything about it… and still be 100% wrong. It feels logical and obvious to them, not because they’re gimlet-eyed observers of reality who can see The Matrix, but because motivated reasoning is a motherf--ker. They’re starting from the point of being afraid of an outcome and working backwards from that outcome until they’ve convinced themselves that it’s as unbreakable as the laws of physics.
It also raises other questions, such as “what, exactly, would you be doing that would get that sort of reaction out of people?” Because, questionably-sourced nightmare stories aside, it takes a lot to go from “mild flirting” to “…and this is why none of my friends will talk to me anymore”. Asking someone on a date and then taking “no, thank you” with grace isn’t going to lead to “getting a reputation” unless you’re either completely out of pocket or else dealing with people so high-strung or so off their chain that they shouldn’t be allowed outside without supervision. When this has happened to people, if you dig in, you usually discover that it’s because somebody’s behavior was especially sustained and egregious, not just “said the wrong thing by accident”.
But even if we set aside the whole “you get one shot, no second chances” aspect, you seem to be working from limited definitions of “flirting” and artificial restrictions. Flirting isn’t acting like Pepe Le Pew, chasing someone down as they try to run away from you or holding them in place as they squirm while you ask them to run away with you to the Casbah, nor is it just hammering away at someone until you get a date. Flirting, at its core, is just talking with people. You’re expressing interest, but in a light and low-stakes way and ideally in a fun way.
Can you pay someone a compliment that they appreciate? Great, you can flirt. Can you joke back and forth with someone without offending them? Also flirting. Are you capable of telling someone that you think they’re really cool? Check it out: you’re flirting. It’s not even something limited to your social circle or people you already know. If you’re capable of talking to people you don’t know and making friends, you’re capable of flirting.
Similarly, you seem to miss the point about practice. Practice means doing the thing that you’re trying to get better at. That doesn’t mean that it needs to be an all-or-nothing event. If I want to get better at basketball, I don’t need to just be suiting up and playing tournament matches. If I spend several hours shooting baskets from different parts of the court, that’s practicing. Same with running drills, practicing my dribbling, passing or the other skills one needs to cultivate to play the game.
Since flirting is simply being social, you can practice flirting basically anywhere. It just requires going out and socializing.
You can smile at someone at the mall and tell them that they’ve got amazing fashion sense. You can strike up a casual conversation with the person standing behind you in line to get a latte and tell them how cool you think they are. You can banter and joke with friends or acquaintances. It doesn’t need to be serious, intense or leading to anything; people can and do frequently flirt without intent or just because flirting is fun. If you can compliment someone or banter with them or otherwise play around without an attendant desire to get into their pants, you’re fully capable of flirting without intent.
S--t, you want an example of what flirting without intent looks like, even intense flirting? Watch The Legend of Vox Machina and watch how Vax’ildan and Gilmore interact. They’re clearly flirting, but without an intent of anything happening (except on AO3), because it’s the nature of their friendship. It may have started because Vax wants a discount and Gilmore wants people to test his gear (and provide word of mouth marketing), but it’s become a game, something they both do just because it’s fun. Sure, Gilmore wouldn’t say no if Vax decided to make a move (and according to Liam O’Brian, Vax might be open to it) but the flirting is the point in and of itself.
The other issues you raise are the anxiety weasels in your brain jumping around and poking at things. These supposed missteps you’re worried about are avoidable by being able to read the room. If you can tell that maybe a joke wouldn’t go over well with a particular audience or that it may not be appropriate to make a certain type of comment to a specific person, then you’re well prepared to avoid the pitfalls you seem to think are everywhere. If you genuinely can’t tell… well, flirting shouldn’t be your focus so much as working on your social calibration.
(And if that’s the case, I wonder how you avoid getting fired from your job for offending your supervisors.)
Here’s the thing: what you’ve done here is create a series of nested obstacles and objections that primarily serve to create a permission structure to not try. You’re not any more restricted in practicing flirting than you are in going out and meeting new friends or even just fielding a pick-up game of basketball. You aren’t limited to friends you find attractive. You’re not pushing up against the limits in objective reality, you’re talking about the thing you’re afraid of.
And look, it’s understandable. This is classic anxiety getting in the way of things. The point of anxiety is that it’s your brain trying to protect you from things that might happen in the future. But there comes a point where you can let your anxiety rage out of control and create so many convoluted and bizarre scenarios that you end up paralyzed. It just feels logical and reasonable because you’ve started from the outcome and invented all the steps that will lead there.
Instead of working from “well I have to try to get with someone I know in my social circle”, start with “I’m going to be more social” and work on being more confident in talking with people in general. The more people you can hold a conversation with, the more opportunities you have to practice your other social skills. And as you get more comfortable with that, the more prepared you’ll be to pull those skills out when they actually count.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com