DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: What should a group of coworkers do when a workplace soap opera threatens to poison the work environment? Your first instinct is probably “nothing” but hear me out, please.
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I work in a relatively small university hospital clinic. Mostly we get on really well with each other at work and sometimes off it as well. Around half of the doctors and almost all of the nurses and other staff are women, including several senior staffers.
For about three years now, one of our younger male doctors has been a real pain to the rest of us. The recurring events go like this. A young, sometimes fresh out of school nurse starts working with us. The doctor, who admittedly is very handsome with smooth manners and good clinical skills, soon starts to woo her, and they usually end up starting a relationship of sorts. Trouble is, the guy is already seeing one or two other nurses from the clinic and often some other ladies outside of work as well. Inevitably, the nurses he’s dating become aware of each other and are unhappy with the situation, which results in refusal to work with each other, talking crap behind each other’s backs and at least one skilled and well-liked nurse ultimately quitting her job because she couldn’t deal with it anymore.
The two he’s seeing now have both told me that they’re really looking for “the one”, but still, he manages to keep them in his orbit with vague promises of exclusivity and lovebombing them if it seems that they’re looking for the exit. On one occasion, this almost resulted in a fight breaking out between them.
None of the parties have committed any fireable offences and in theory these are their private matters, but the effects are spilling into the rest of the workplace and it’s really painful for many of us to see these young, slightly naive women in this misery. They certainly should know better, and God only knows what they’re actually hoping to achieve in this situation. Even the guy himself has once admitted after a few drinks that he doesn’t really know what he wants. The more senior nurses have for some time now started to warn newcomers of him, but that hasn’t prevented the latest iteration of the same old.
What are the rest of us supposed to do in this situation?
Sincerely,
Real Life Hospital Drama
DEAR REAL LIFE HOSPITAL DRAMA: This is one of those times where I wonder if I ended up getting Alison Greene’s mail instead, because this seems like it’s more of Ask A Manager’s territory than mine.
But hey, far be it from me to not have a chance to get involved in some Grey’s Anatomy-a-- drama.
The big issue here is that you’re right: there’s not really much here for an outsider to do – at least, as far as getting involved in what’s ultimately other people’s business.
As frustrating as it can be, you really can’t stop other people from making poor life decisions, nor force them to not end up in toxic or abusive relationships. That includes getting involved with the office f--kboy. These are grown-ass women after all, and they’re entitled to make their own mistakes, no matter how much it aggravates you and your co-workers. It sucks that this guy seems to treat incoming new hires like juice boxes to suck dry and it’s admirable that the senior nurses have a whisper network to try to warn the newcomers, but that’s ultimately the limit of what most people can do. If the new hires want to touch the stove even after they’ve been warned that it’s hot… well, that’s their call.
Now notice very carefully that I said what most people can do? Well, that’s because this isn’t an interpersonal issue so much as it is an HR issue. You can’t stop people from banging a dude who’s going to hit it and quit it and then play f--k-f--k games to keep them on the hook in case he has a slow Saturday. You can – and SHOULD – however, bring this up to your direct report, then to clinic management and then possibly to the university directly.
The fact that his behavior and the resultant drama is spills out into the workplace, causes strife amongst your coworkers, and has directly led to at least one person quitting (and there could be others who left because of it but didn’t say so) means that it’s interfering with your ability to actually carry out your duties. Seeing as you work in health care, that’s a pretty significant issue.
In fact, depending on where you are and what the employment laws are, this could actually be creating a case of legal liability on the part of the clinic or the university. This is why when you talk to your superiors and others, you may want to use the magic phrase “creating a hostile work environment”. That’s something that tends to get the bureaucrats’ attention; they may not care that much about who’s coming up with new and creative uses for tongue depressors in the supply closet, but the possibility of lawsuits and expensive settlements are the sort of things that cause the folks who watch the money to sit up and take notice.
I’d be tempted to tell you to give him a heads up and a chance to knock it the f--k off before you go to your superiors, but the part of me that yells at the TV when characters tell their opponents what they’re going to do says “never show your cards early.” It’s been going on long enough – and presumably other folks have already told him to cut it out – that if he gave a s--t about more than getting his dick wet, he would’ve. His behavior is hurting people, it’s disruptive at work and there’s a non-zero chance that this is going to have consequences for the clinic and the university beyond a higher-than-average staff turnover. It’s time to escalate this to people who actually the authority to enforce a “knock it the f—k off order” with things like ‘suspended from duty’ and ‘fired for cause’.
Good luck.
Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com