DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My boyfriend and I have been together in a monogamous relationship for 2 years. It’s been going really well. One of the things I struggle with however is being around his ex, who is part of the hobby group that we are in and they still teach a weekly class together. Although I’m not very close with her, I’d still consider her a friend and I appreciate her as a person which makes the reactions triggered in me even more confusing! I can’t avoid her because of the mutual group we share.

For context, my boyfriend and his ex were together for 4 years. Most of that time, they were in an open relationship. He ended the relationship.

Even though on a logical level, I know that my boyfriend ended that relationship for a reason and that me and his ex are unique people, being around her triggers so much in me:

– insecurity brought from comparison (around looks, skill level, etc)

– fear of loss that my boyfriend will want to open the relationship to get back together with her in some capacity

– self judgement from having these reactions at all in the first place

I feel like I’m “not allowed” to have insecurity about her. I feel alone in trying to deal with this.

How can I get my heart to match the understanding of my brain?

Appreciate the help!

Bad Vibes Brain

DEAR BAD VIBES BRAIN: There’re two different issues at play here. We’ll talk about the jealousy issue in a moment; for now, I want to focus on this part: “I feel like I’m “not allowed” to have insecurity about her”

Toss that shit out the window, because this is a bad mindset. Any talk about not being “allowed” to feel a particular way is unhelpful because it denies a fundamental truth: you do feel this way. Your feelings are real. They’re valid, in as much as that you are feeling them and they are causing you actual distress. When we say that ‘we’re not allowed’ to feel a certain way, what we end up doing is making ourselves feel worse about the way we feel; not only are we having these feelings that we know aren’t rational, but we’re a bad person for feeling them at all. GOOD people wouldn’t feel this way!

Framing things about what we’re “allowed” to feel or how we “should” feel just ends up putting up barriers between ourselves and actually dealing with those feelings.

You feel insecure. That’s real. You know, on some level, that your feelings are irrational and unfounded. That’s good. But that doesn’t mean that you’re not feeling them, and you’re not a bad person for feeling them in the first place. It’s far better to acknowledge that you’re feeling these �things than to beat yourself up about them, because only one of these approaches will let you actually resolve them… and it ain’t the “I need to shove these feelings away because I’m bad” one.

Now, part of the problem is that – as is so often the case – you’re trying to logic your way out of something that you haven’t logic-ed your way into. Trust me, I’m an expert on this; I’ve done the “I shouldn’t feel this way so I just won’t!” dance more times than I care to count. All it did was pressurize those feelings – squeezing them down and making them more intense until the slightest jostle or impact made them break containment, messily and all over the place.

You feel how you feel. That is neither bad nor good. You are allowed to feel how you feel, because you can’t forbid feelings. It’s all in how you deal with them.

So let’s talk about the feelings themselves and what to do with them. As I’ve said many times before, jealousy is like the check engine light of relationships. When it comes on, it means there’s something that needs attention. Sometimes it’s as simple and banal as needing to tighten the gas cap all the way. Other times, it means “maybe take your car to the mechanic if only to make sure the engine’s not about to fall out of the chassis.”

In this case, as in many cases, this is a ‘call is coming from inside the house’ kind of situation, where you’re comparing yourself to his ex in the same way that people compare their unedited raw footage to someone else’s highlight reel. You worry about these issues, not because there’s a logical basis for them or even a reasonable inference to be made based on his behavior, but because you compare yourself to his ex and find yourself wanting. And part of the problem here is that you’re seeing her through what you imagine to be his eyes, but looking at yourself through your own.

This is where we go right back to the “unedited footage” part of the metaphor; you’re basing what snippets you see of her, adding in second-hand knowledge from your boyfriend and then comparing it to the constant streaming feed of your own thoughts, experiences and feelings. Nothing positive is going to come out of that sort of comparison, simply because your brain is going to head straight to comparing what you think of as your flaws with hers. And because you’re working from very limited information, of course you’re going to think yours are worse; you have so many more of them and they have to be so much more egregious because… well, because!

But that’s a shitty way to look at things because it’s not accurate and it’s not fair. It’s not comparing apples to apples, it’s comparing a painting of an apple to every orange and lemon and kumquat ever. Not only is the painting an idealized creation that will never age or change, but even if it wasn’t, it’s an entirely different fruit and flavor profile.

And here’s why that’s important: just because someone used to like a particular kind of fruit doesn’t mean that they don’t like other kinds. You can like apples and also like orange, and having liked one doesn’t mean the other is inferior or lesser. It’s just different. People are entirely capable of appreciating both for what they are, rather than in comparison to the other.

Hell, sometimes – and admittedly, here’s where the metaphor starts to break down – you like them because they’re different; you decide apples aren’t necessarily your thing these days and oranges are where they’re at. That doesn’t make either of the fruits better or worse than the other; it’s just about what you want at that point in your life.

Case in point: your boyfriend used to be in an open relationship. He decided to leave that relationship and started a monogamous one with you. That’s the sort of thing that suggests to me that he’s not really feeling the open or poly thing. He’s been with you for two years and, in all this time, hasn’t really made any sort of noises about missing his ex, wanting to get back with her or even making moves that one could kinda-sorta-maybe see as a way of backdoor getting back with her, even if you squint.

I understand the worry that someone’s past is representative of their future, but more often than not, their past is their past for a reason. That includes relationship types, as much as the people they used to have relationships with.

Now, to bring this back around to what I said about being “allowed” to have those feelings… I wonder if that’s part of why being around her brings those feelings to the surface. You’re trying so hard to not feel them that you just make them ever-present, running in the back of your mind like an app you’ve never shut down. Being around her would mean that first you feel the twinge of those feelings and then you feel bad about feeling them at all, which then makes you feel bad about yourself, which then brings up comparisons and more self-recrimination.

I think the first thing you need to do is to forgive yourself for feeling these things in the first place. Feelings aren’t good or bad, they just are. They happen. It’s important to remember that you experience a feeling, you aren’t defined by having one. How you phrase this when you talk about them, to yourself or to others, is important: you’re having a feeling, you’re feeling X, not you are X. Don’t judge yourself for having these feelings, accept that you’re having them.

As for what to do about them? Well, I think once you stop beating yourself up about what you’re “allowed” to feel, there’re a couple things you should do. One is to give yourself a chance to get to know his ex a little better. You already consider her a friend and a good person; getting to know her better might de-mystify things and make her less of a looming presence in your mind.

Sometimes part of why an ex seems threatening to us is because of how we build them up in our minds, especially depending on how our partner talk about them. If you get to know her, independent of her relationship with your boyfriend, you might actually find that the jealousy and envy fade; the reality overtakes the myth and she goes from being a goddess to just another person with all the flaws and faults inherent to our all-too-mortal flesh. Knowing her as a person, even forming a friendship of your own with her, can recontextualize a lot of things for you, even the “skill issues”. It can also help reassure you that she has no designs on your boyfriend any more than he has interest in getting back to her.

The second thing is what I tell folks all the time: ask your boyfriend to love you a little bit louder when you have these moments. I know that there’s an understandable worry about always asking for reassurance, but there’s a difference between asking someone to manage your emotional needs for you and to give you the occasional boost and pep-talk. There’s nothing wrong with saying “hey, I’m feeling a little insecure/ jealous/ need some encouragement today; would you mind telling me what you love about me?” You’re ultimately asking him to help you see yourself the way he sees you, and that’s not a bad thing at all.

Good luck

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m hoping you can help me with a relationship situation that nobody seems to have any good advice for. I’m a 35-year-old bi man, and my partner (35, also male) (we’ve been together for years) and I have been in a poly triad with M, a 25-year old non-binary person for over two years. We first invited M as a special guest star, but after several repeat visits, we welcomed them in as our official third and became a throuple.

Years later, things between me and M have become strained and we broke up. The break up was as undramatic and mature as it could be, all things considered, but it still hurts to see them and I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter about it.

But here’s the thing: I may have broken up with M, but they’re still dating my partner, and they’re still a big part of each other’s lives. 

I’m really struggling with this. It’s really hard to let go and move on when M is still around. Seeing the two of them together makes me feel like I’ve been squeezed out, even though my partner still loves me and is still committed to us. Everything is uncomfortable for me, but seemingly just fine for my partner and M, and I don’t know how to deal with this. 

We’ve always done the relationship anarchy style polyamory, and I don’t feel like I can make demands that my partner break up with M just because I did. But at the same time, I feel like my comfort with the situation is coming in second, especially since M is regularly staying at our house.  

I’m not sure what my boundaries should be or how to cope with this new dynamic without causing any drama, making unreasonable asks or telling my partner that it’s me or them. At the same time, is it unreasonable for me to say “could you maybe not” when they’re canoodling on the couch?  Or to ask that, if they’re going to keep seeing each other, to at least not bring it home? The first time I asked my partner that, he said that didn’t seem right, since M all but lived with us for the last year and declaring our place to be off limits now would be unfair.

Do you have any advice for how to deal with a throuple break up when two legs of the triangle are still together? I want to respect my partner’s relationship, but I also want to not have this flung in my face all the time.

Thanks so much for your help!

Two Out of Three Ain’t Sad

DEAR TWO OUT OF THREE AIN’T SAD: You know, I’ve been writing this column for *mutter* years now, and there’re days when it feels like there’re no new questions under the sun.

Well, congratulations, TOTAS, because I think you’ve brought me one that I’ve never had to answer before. If I’m being honest, it’s not that complicated. It’s like a weird combo of a poly couple dealing with one person dating and the other not and trying to live in the same apartment with your ex. Fortunately, that gives us a bit of guidance as to how to handle this.

First and foremost: yeah, it’s an uncomfortable situation, especially if things between you and M are tense. It can be hard to see your partner be happy when you’ve just been handed your walking papers. Seeing them with the person you just broke up with is going to make it sting that much more. It’s not surprising that you feel surplus to requirements; a break-up like this is almost designed in a laboratory to make you feel like you were always the inconvenience that your ex put up with to get what they really wanted.

(God I hope that wasn’t the case for you because if so, then your partner should be tossing M to the curb as well, if only because that is a s--tty thing to do to someone. And if M is willing to be that s--tty to you – someone your partner loves and is committed to – then I think that the best thing to do is dump them so hard their grandparents get retroactively divorced.)

I think you need to have a long and awkward talk with your partner about this and how it’s making you feel. You mentioned bringing this up to your partner before and it didn’t go well. I think you should make a point of talking to him again about this, but this time lead with how the whole situation is making you feel.

Tell your partner about how you’re feeling squeezed out, about how M being around all the time is making it hard for you to get over them and how this is starting to encroach on what’s your space too. Yes, it made sense for them to be part of the household when the three of you were an item. However, not to put too fine a point on it but: you were here first, and this presumably is your house as much as it is your partner’s. It doesn’t sound like M’s name was put on the deed, nor do you suggest that they were paying rent, so presumably they have their own place. I think you’d be well in your rights to ask your partner to, say, not bring M around so often or that if he’s going to still be seeing M, M should be hosting, if only out of consideration for you.

Even in a non-hierarchical, anarchic poly relationship, you do get to have boundaries, and to say “there’re some things we should save for this relationship”. I don’t think drawing some lines, like “maybe no sleepovers at our house while I’m here” or “keep it to the guestroom” are unreasonable. I also don’t think it would be unreasonable to say “I’m not going to tell you to break up with them or never see them again, but for the sake of my feelings, could you tone things down around me?” Not being lovey-dovey when you’re around doesn’t seem like a lot to ask, especially in the immediate aftermath of a break up, where that can feel like pouring salt in the wound.

(And possibly especially so, depending on the circumstances of the break up) ��The important thing to emphasize is that you’re not saying that you and M broke up and now the only thing to be done is for M to be thrown into the Negative Zone… as satisfying as that might be. You’re not giving an ultimatum that your partner needs to dump M or else. You’re just asking for some consideration and care from your partner – especially now that they’re your only partner – in the wake of being broken up with. You need a little TLC and some time to heal, and right now, you’re not getting either. I think you’re well within your rights to ask for more of your partner’s time and affection and a lot more of his consideration. ��If it wasn’t for the fact that your ex is still dating your partner, there wouldn’t be a question of your getting some more care and attention under the circumstances. Not doing so would be more self-evidently callous, even cruel. The ex being in the picture only complicates things in as much as you feel like you’re not allowed to ask for what you need. That’s not the case. You’re allowed to – and absolutely should – advocate for yourself and tell your partner what you need. So speak up and make it clear what you need from him right now.��If he cares for you, these shouldn’t be big asks.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been married to a wonderful woman for 20 years but in the last year there have been big changes. She’s 47 and I’m 59 and we’re about to be empty nesters.

I’ve learned over the last six months that in 2022, she went through a lot of s--t. During that time, she left her corporate job and started working at a zoological center, she lost 30 pounds and got a cute hairdo, she may have started pre-menopause, and she quietly quit the marriage.

I did begin to suspect something was off in the marriage in March of 2024 and this only seemed to worsen with time. The week before she went out of the country for a business conference), I did find a yellow g-string in her lingerie drawer, which I had never seen before. I did call her while she was out of town, and confronted her on this and her response was “do you have a picture of it”?

Which I felt was an odd response; the day after she returned, we started counseling and continue counseling. We go to both individual and group counseling and it is helping. Our relationship is getting stronger and there were issues we should have addressed long ago.

My wife maintains her innocence and I did see other signs that may point toward infidelity, but she maintains she has never owned a yellow g-string.

Last night in counseling, we did come to some compromise, where my wife maintains her innocence and I did compromise and say the interpretation of the g-string could be a narrative of infidelity but equally a narrative of miscommunications; no one has ever explained it to me.

My question though with all the confusion around these issues – how can you tell if your wife is possibly going through a midlife crisis? I ask because my wife is what would be called a chaos kid; her father was emotionally abusive, the family is dysfunctional, my wife as a teen was diagnosed as bi-polar, and her mother was physically abused. It does seem that my spouse would fit the profile of someone going through a midlife crisis.

Early on in counseling, the counselor told me she believes my spouse may have experienced childhood trauma.

Best,

King Dot Thong

DEAR KING DOT THONG: I’m going to be real, KDT, I’m not exactly crazy about applying terms like “quiet quitting” to marriages and relationships. To be fair…

(To be faaaaaaiiiiiiir)

…I find the term obnoxious even in business contexts, since “quiet quitting” generally means “isn’t willing to work excessive amounts of overtime, nor to take on work that’s not in their job description.” Applying that to relationships brings up all sorts of unpleasant (and hopefully, unintentional) implications, and it really ends up obfuscating what was going on. Especially since it seems like you didn’t even notice that she was acting differently until two years later…

Part of the problem with describing issues with unclear language like this is that it makes it hard to tell precisely what’s going on and how she’s behaving. That can make it difficult to judge precisely what happened and whether you’re right – she was likely cheating – or if something else was going on that would make all of this a series of wacky misunderstandings. The same goes for “went through a lot of s--t”; some of the s--t she went through may well have been relevant to her behavior and give reason to see things one way rather than the other.

Now, if I’m understanding things right, it’d be more accurate to say that she’d checked out or was acting like she was no longer interested in being married. That’s an understandable reason to worry. So, too, are those changes. Someone suddenly making profound changes to their look, making a more determined effort to lose weight… those are traditional indicators that maybe someone is taking steps to get back on the dating scene.

But not necessarily always. Sometimes, it’s a matter of making a clean break or a change in circumstance, or even finally feeling like one has a sense of purpose and clarity again. Consider The Incredibles; part of the complication of the story is that Bob (Mr. Incredible) has been forced into retirement and is living out a soul-killing existence. When he is offered a chance to get back into the superhero life (admittedly, on the down-low), suddenly he’s back, emotionally, to where he was when life was more fulfilling. He’s working out, he’s dressing differently, he’s got more energy, more life than before… and that’s precisely why Helen (Mrs. Incredible) thinks, not unreasonably, that he may be cheating on her.

If you’re dealing with a soul-killing job or serious burnout, for example, it’s easy to lose touch with things that used to matter to you. You stop caring about your appearance to the same degree, you stop putting as much effort into life and so on, simply because you feel like every day is another day of being in thrall to a vampire that’s just draining a little more of your life away. If you reach a point where you either break free or are given a way out, it can feel like being given a new lease on life. Let me tell you: few things made me feel better instantly than quitting a really, really s--tty job, and those good feelings were enough to make me go “f--k, I gotta make some changes around here.”

The same goes with major milestones in life. Part of why we talk about mid-life crises is because of how common it is for folks to be laboring through life, existing rather than living and having lost touch with the dreams and optimism of one’s youth. Waking up and suddenly realizing you’re 40 (or 50 or…) and you have more years behind you than ahead of you can make someone say “what happened to me?” and want to shake things up. The same could be said for the impending empty nest. After decades of life as a parent, suddenly not filling that role in the same way can be a real shock to the system. It’s precisely the sort of thing that can make a person say “well, now that I’m not $PARENT anymore, who do I want to be?”

Now where things start getting weird – and possibly weird for no good reason – is finding the g-string in her underwear drawer. Finding new underwear isn’t necessarily a sign of infidelity; sometimes people will just buy something because it makes them feel sexy and that’s all they need from it. However, the denying its existence – and asking “do you have a picture of it” – is a head-scratcher. It’s one thing to say “hey, there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for this”. It’s another to straight up say “who’re you going to believe, me or your lying eyes?”

But even then, I could see a reason where this might make sense. As someone who, thanks to ADHD-based memory f--kery and related impulse control issues, has found articles of clothing in my closets that I had absolutely forgotten I’d bought years ago. As a result, I can see a world where your wife was legitimately unsure what you were talking about and was asking for a picture of it either to jog her memory, or to say “honey, that’s a t-back not a g-string”.

But even so… it’s still weird.

It sounds to me like what you’re ultimately asking for is reassurance – whether this was all a series of unlikely but explicable coincidences, signs of a midlife crisis, or was it likely that she was cheating? It certainly sounds like it could be a midlife crisis, and her being bipolar would make many things make sense. ��All in all, this is a situation where you had reason to be suspicious. I sure as hell don’t blame you for thinking that your wife may have been stepping out on you. The evidence, while not 100% conclusive, certainly points strongly in that direction. There’s also the issue of your wife being bipolar and possibly a victim of childhood abuse or trauma. That, too, could explain things; people who are going through a manic phase will often behave in chaotic or unusual ways, occasionally with little clear understanding of why and often little memory of it afterwards. So, yes, this could be explained by the manic swing after a prolonged depressive one, on top of other life issues.

However, now I’m going to ask the question that relationship advice columnists really aren’t supposed to ask: are you sure you want to know the answer? After all: the evidence isn’t rock solid, there’re other potential explanations and at this point and you’ve more or less said “ok, I accept you weren’t cheating” as part of your counseling sessions. That doesn’t close the book on things, but it definitely does at least imply that you were agreeing to let it go.

There’s also the fact that, frankly, you and your wife went through couple’s counseling, you’re finally addressing long-ignored problems and your relationship is back on the upswing. I’m never going to say that you shouldn’t question a good thing but… is there really an upside to questioning the precise nature of the actions that ultimately lead to things getting better? If she had been acting suspiciously before but now things have improved and you’re both happier for it, would it be simpler to just say “ok, midlife crisis made things tense, but it ultimately led to a better, stronger relationship?”

Because, I’m gonna level with you: I’ve known a lot of folks who thought they wanted to know, and I’ve known a lot of folks who didn’t know until someone made it impossible for them not to know. And in 99% of those cases… they were all happier not knowing and wish they could go back to ignorance. Especially if they weren’t going to end the relationship. 

Every relationship is ultimately a story the people in the relationship tell themselves – whether it’s the story of strife that tore them apart or struggles that, while difficult, ultimately lead to bringing them closer together. If things are better for the both of you, you’re not interested in divorce, and her suspicious behavior’s abated, I think it makes sense to take the happier option. Sometimes, the best and happiest ending to a time of strife is to say “yeah, sounds like she was working through some s--t and that lead to us uncovering a lot of issues we really should’ve dealt with before now. There’s still a way to go, but things are doing better, we love each other, and we’re taking it day by day.”  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com