DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your recent columns about flirting, but I don’t think I’ve seen an answer to my question so here goes: why can’t I talk or flirt with people I’m attracted to? 

I have a ton of friends who are women who are shocked that I’m still single because they all think I’m a ladies’ man who’s always flirting with people around me, but I’m just being normal with them. Meanwhile, when I try to chat up someone on Hinge or Tinder or I take your advice and try to talk to someone when I get coffee, it feels like pulling teeth. I know I can be funny because my friends laugh at my jokes all the time, but if it’s a stranger that I want to ask out to a movie, I strike out hard.

My brain goes blank, I slip up and use the wrong words or get stuck trying to remember basic facts like place names or actors, my jokes fall flat and I get blank looks if I try to tell them I think they’re cool. Why do people think I’m flirting when I’m not, but don’t think I’m flirting or respond when I am? Why am I funny and apparently cool 90% of the time, but never when it matters? 

Michigan J. Frog

DEAR MICHIGAN J. FROG: This one’s easy, and you nailed it in the last line of your letter. The issue isn’t that you can’t flirt or don’t know how to talk to women. It’s not that you can’t flirt. Your problem is that you behave differently when it feels like it matters.

That’s the entire thing. You are flirting. You do it all the time, and it seems that you’re pretty damn good at it. After all, you’ve got your coterie of friends who are legitimately shocked that you’re single and struggling to mingle.

The reason why they’re shocked is that they don’t have 24/7 access to your unfiltered thoughts the way you do, so they’re not seeing the divide between what you think is normal behavior and what you think of as flirting. And that’s the issue: you’ve created this artificial distinction between “normal behavior” and “flirting”, without realizing that the behavior is exactly the same. The only difference is context – in this case, the context of “well, these are my friends” vs. “this is someone I’d like to maybe possibly get naked with”.

When you’re with your friends, you’re relaxed. You don’t feel pressure to perform or that you have to do things to “earn” their approval or affection. You know they love you and you love them and you feel comfortable and secure. There’s no sense of risk, because you know that if you make a joke that just drops like a rock, the worst that’s going to happen is that you’re going to get some groans and eye-rolls. You’re not worried that you’re going to alienate them or lose their affection, and so you can relax, take chances and generally just be your most authentic self.

But when you’re talking to someone you might like to date… suddenly there’re stakes. Suddenly you’re invested in this interaction and need it to play out perfectly. You’re motivated to play it safe because you’re afraid of losing this potential match, and so you don’t have the same edge or confidence you would with your friends. And that’s the problem. You’re trying to be likeable, but you’re not sure you can show your true self, so you end up aiming for “blandly acceptable”. It’s a little like going to Applebee’s: it’s inoffensive and broadly adequate, but you’re not going to find folks who are excited to go to Applebee’s, instead of saying “yeah, I guess that works”.

But “Yeah, I guess that works” isn’t what someone is looking for in a date. They’re looking for something that they want to be excited for. You’re dulling your spice and watering down your flavor and focusing far more on earning their approval instead of letting them know who you are and trusting that either they’ll be into that, or show that they’re just not a good match for you.

You’re not trusting that people will like you for your authentic self, and so you are coming to these conversations with an eye towards avoiding rejection instead of finding a connection. It’s so much easier with your friends or when you don’t care because you’re not invested in the outcome. When you’re focused on not getting rejected, you get stuck in your head – you alternate between playing it so safe as to be bland and overthinking things, so that you aren’t nearly as relaxed or jokey as you would be with your friends.

So there are a couple things you need to do. First, you need to start trusting in your own appeal and desirability. If you can’t believe that women will like you for who you are, you’re never going to feel secure in showing them who you are. You’ll be too hung up on trying to present them with something you think will be acceptable, when you need to be willing to risk – even invite – rejection. Rejection in these cases is protection; you want to be rejected by the people who aren’t right for you. You have to have a mindset of “I want them to like me for me; if I’m not what they want, then we’ll never work anyway.”

The second thing is that you need to treat these conversations like they don’t matter. Instead of thinking of it as you trying to convince these women to like you, think of it as “well, this doesn’t ‘count’” and let yourself behave as though you know that there aren’t consequences for failing or f--king up. You know… like when you’re comfortable and hanging out with your female friends.

This always sounds like woo-woo-manifesting but it’s honestly a little closer to the Jedi mind-trick. When you’re focused on the outcome, you’re coming from a place where you think you can fail. It’s a lack of trust in yourself, in the people you’re talking to, and in the possibility that they might like you. But if you assume that they like you and thus you can’t fail – the way you can’t fail with your friends, not really – then your entire demeanor changes. You give yourself permission to joke and tease and banter and flirt and to express yourself honestly. Your body language is open and more confident, your eye contact is stronger and your smile is warmer. You relax, you take bigger swings and show more of your true self without worrying about being judged harshly. You show your true personality and let the little things that make you uniquely you shine through.

And because you’re behaving in a more confident, more authentic and friendlier manner… people respond to it positively.

Just as importantly, though, is that you’re giving yourself permission to use the power you’ve always had inside. It’s always been there; you just never realized that this what you needed to do. You’re not showing them your Dating Self, you’re showing them your authentic self. That person is who your friends think is so awesome. That person is why your friends are surprised you’re still single. That person needs to be allowed to shine, because that’s the person people will be dating.

Now, it does take effort to unclench and to train yourself to think of strangers as old friends that you’ve just met. But that’s a matter of practice and reinforcement; the only way to get better at it is to do it, frequently and consistently. But the more you get in the habit of detaching yourself from the outcome, getting a case of the ‘f--k its’ and behaving with these special, sexy somebodies the same as you do your friends? You’ll find that your jokes hit like a truck, your bon mots get a better reaction and your Saturday nights will start being a lot busier.

Good luck

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve a situation that’s been bugging me for a while now. I’m a 38-year-old guy, pretty well put-together, decent job, in decent shape, emotionally intelligent, and I know how to treat people well. I’m not out here looking for some kind of validation, but I’ve been in the dating game long enough to know when something just doesn’t add up.

Here’s the issue: I seem to only ever attract women who aren’t my type and certainly not people I would choose for a date. The women who seem to be the most into me are the ones I have zero attraction to. They’re co-workers, casual friends and friends of friends, people I spend time with and talk to but I’m not interested in, yet they are clearly VERY into me. They’re the ones who text me first, make plans, go out of their way to spend time with me. I don’t get it. There’s no spark, no connection, and I’m not exactly doing anything to encourage them. I’m not going to pretend to be someone I’m not just to make someone feel good. I talk to them normally, I’m polite and friendly and I make all the appropriate noises when they tell me about their day, but I’m not giving them any signals. 

The women I actually like? It’s a nightmare. It takes a ton of work on my part to keep the conversation going and I’m always feeling like I have to chase after them to make plans. I’m having to propose dates weeks or months in advance if I have any hope of fitting into their suddenly packed schedules and all the traveling they have to do for work or family. If we DO have plans, it’s a coin flip as to whether we’re actually going to go out or if something “comes up” at the last minute. These are all women I’ve matched with on dating apps or met at speed dating events or who we specifically talked about going on a date, so it’s not just that I’m hitting on women at random. I’m making this effort but they treat me like I’m just one guy in a long list of options. I feel like I’m the one constantly doing all the chasing, trying to impress, trying to make something happen, and it’s exhausting. It’s like I’m playing hard to get, but for the wrong reasons. Meanwhile, the women I’m not remotely interested in are practically throwing themselves at me. It’s maddening.

I’ve had my share of relationships. Two lasted more than a year, a couple of short-term ones that didn’t work out. I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m not some no-b--ches internet incel dweeb who doesn’t know what he’s doing and I put in a lot of work to be and look my best. I’m just trying to figure out why the women I want seem to be so hard to reach, while the ones I don’t are the ones practically camped outside my door.

This has been going on for YEARS and frankly, it’s messing with my head. What does it say that these women who I don’t like think they have a shot with me, but the ones I know are right for me are treating me like I’m an option at best? 

At this point, I feel like I’m out here doing everything right and still getting nowhere. Any advice would be appreciated because, honestly, I’m getting pretty sick of the whole thing.

Sincerely,

Frustrated, Frantic and Fed Up

DEAR FRUSTRATED, FRANTIC AND FED UP: You’re in luck, F3. A lot of the time, I’d suggest that maybe the problem is illustrated by calling other people “no b--ches internet incel dweebs” and your overall attitude of “what does it say that about me that these uggos think they have a chance?” and call it a day.

Recently, however, I’ve been working with a few clients who have been having issues with chasing after women who never seem to have time for them, or whose type don’t seem to dig them back, so the subject has been top of mind for me lately. And since more than a few folks seem to be wrestling with this lately, this seems like a good opportunity to dig into it.

If we leave your attitude aside for the moment, it’s pretty simple: you’re chasing after these supposedly unavailable women because they’re unavailable. It’s quite literally a matter of your chasing after them because they’re running from you; if they were “attainable”, you wouldn’t be fighting as hard for them. If anything, you’d probably not find them nearly as attractive.

In general, people have a tendency to want things that we can’t have. The harder it is to get, the more frantic people become in their pursuit. We’ve seen this play out over and over again with consumer products – the tumblers, cameras, accessories, makeup or fashions that get popular on TikTok, limited edition toys or shoes or gew-gaws that sell out in seconds and then go for insane markups on eBay or resale sites. If it were common and easy to get ahold of, it wouldn’t have nearly the same allure as something that seems to be just out of reach. 

The elevated and often exaggerated value of these things isn’t intrinsic, as much as it is in how much other people want them. The products themselves may be quite good – those always-on-backorder Fujifilm cameras are pretty damn tight – but it’s the fact that everyone wants them but nobody can get them that makes them extra special. They’re both status symbols – “look at my ability to get this exclusive thing” – and markers of being, if not in the “in crowd”, at least an attempt at being in the know and a la mode.

So it is with women. A lot of guys get hung up on chasing after particular women, not because they like them specifically, but because they think that having those women would be a status boost. The harder it is to “get” them, the more special they must be; the “challenge” of it all means that the relationship is more about “look at what this says about me!” rather than “this person is special of who she is.”

Needless to say, this is the definition of objectifying; the woman in question is less a wonderful and special person and more of a symbol of the man’s supposed higher value and status… not all that different from a sweet pair of limited-edition Nikes or an exclusive Hublot watch.

The other part of this equation involves attachment styles and emotional issues. A lot of people get into cycles of pursuing emotionally unavailable partners because it feels “right” to them. Often, it’s a matter of having an insecure or avoidant attachment style – they grew up having to fight and beg for attention from parents and family who often didn’t have time for them. This leaves them feeling like love is something they have to chase or earn, instead of something that’s given.

Another aspect is what’s known as intermittent reinforcement – where rewards (in this case, attention, love and affection) are doled out not just occasionally, but often seemingly randomly. You receive just enough of a reward to keep you engaged, but never on a consistent basis and certainly never at a level that’s commensurate with the effort to receive it. It’s the way slot machines in casinos or gacha games or loot boxes hook players; it’s the hope that maybe this next pull of the lever or cashing in the in-game currency (paid for with real money) will pay off the way you want.

Intermittent reinforcement has long been a part of the dating scene. The authors of The Rules infamously suggested that playing “hard to get”, even with people you were actively dating, was the “only” way to get and keep a man. Toxic and abusive people use it to manipulate and control their partners. But sometimes it’s a self-inflicted injury; like Pepe Le Pew they don’t realize that their sweet little cherie isn’t playing hard to get, they just don’t like them.

Guess which of these you’re doing. The issue here isn’t that these women are playing games or making you dance for their amusement because they like playing with their orbiters like a cat playing with mice; they’re not into you and you’re not getting the message. Instead, you’re romanticizing their distance and lack of attention as making them more beguiling and letting the smallest crumb of attention be all the encouragement you need to keep following them like a puppy.

You need to take a long, hard look at who you’re pursuing and how they’re behaving and ask yourself: why aren’t you taking “not interested” for an answer? Why is it the people you’re most consistently attracted to are the ones who show the least amount of reciprocal interest? Why are you not willing to accept that this behavior is, in fact, a signal that they don’t like you and don’t want to go on a date with you?

(Here’s a hint: it’s called ‘the sunk-cost fallacy’; you’re unwilling to admit that your investment is never going to pay off, so you keep throwing time and energy at it out of the fear that you’ll walk away right before you would’ve hit the jackpot.)

Incidentally, this is also part of why those women you’re not interested in are so seemingly dogged in their pursuit of you.  Leaving aside the ones who are just trying to be friends, not drag you to the altar, you’re doing to them what those other women are supposedly doing to you.

This is a good time to ask why you’re not giving those women a more definite wave-off, then flip it around and apply the same thinking to the women who never seem to have time for you. Don’t want to be rude? Feel like you have to maintain a baseline in order to keep things harmonious at work? Worried that you’re going to reject them only to be told they weren’t trying to date you and now you look foolish?  Cool… all those possibilities also apply to the women who are taking six days to reply to your texts and ghosting you when you’ve badgered them into dates they don’t want to go on.

At the risk of sounding like a hackey joke about psychology, now would be a very good time to go talk to a therapist about your relationship with your mother. If you’re this consistent in pursuing people who are just uninterested in you and are turned off or made uncomfortable by people who are interested and available, the odds that this is an emotional wound going all the way back to childhood are… well, a lot higher than the odds that this slot machine will eventually pay off.

Go work on healing those wounds (and your attitude) and you’ll see things change.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m in a situation that has me genuinely confused. My girlfriend complains that we don’t have enough sex. From my perspective, I always thought she, as a woman, would feel relieved that I don’t push for it as much.

For years I worked on reducing my sexual desire through meditation, discipline, and channeling my energy into other aspects of life. My reasoning was that male sexual desire is naturally stronger, and that by lowering mine I would actually make things easier for her.

Here’s what confuses me: if heterosexual female desire were as strong as male desire, wouldn’t we see more evidence of it in everyday life? Women openly seeking sex, a whole market built around it, etc.? Since I don’t observe that, I assumed my girlfriend would appreciate my lower libido rather than feel frustrated by it.

Now I find myself surprised that she wants more, and I don’t understand. Am I misinterpreting the difference between male and female desire? How can I reconcile the discipline I’ve built in managing my impulses with my girlfriend’s needs?

Thank you,

Namast3

DEAR NAMAST3: Alright, I’m going to be honest – when I got this letter, I nearly tossed it aside as an obvious s--tpost. But as I’ve said many times before: I’m not overly concerned about folks trying to slip fake or bulls--t letters past me if there’s something for other readers to take away from it.

And considering how often “women say they want this but men say they don’t, who should I believe” comes up… well, this is at least more plausible than some letters I’ve answered.

So: yes, you’re misinterpreting the difference between male and female desire. The idea that men are the lustier gender is actually very recent; for a very long time, it was assumed that women were, in fact, the more sexual gender. Ovid wrote about how Tiresias was force-femmed by the gods in order to settle a bet over who likes sex more, declaring definitively that women did. Medieval folklore, likewise, was full of female witches and demons who tricked or coerced men into fulfilling their insatiable needs.

I’d also point out that there are a number of women in history who were rather famous for being hornt up. One of my favorites is Julie d’Aubigny, a French opera singer and flagrant disaster bisexual, who would repeatedly beat men in duels after having been caught flirting with their wives and who burned down a convent as part of a plan to rescue one of her lovers.

It wasn’t until the late 19th and early 20th century when the view started to shift – a process that was promoted, in part, by the proto-feminist movement of the time. The idea was that men were the more bestial and baser of the genders, and it was on women – who were more spiritual and “pure” to help them reign in their animal lusts and impulses – a belief that has continued well into the modern era.

But to assume that women were uninterested in sex or that there isn’t a series of industries supporting that interest requires a certain amount of nearly deliberate ignorance. Magazine racks and book shelves have been littered with guides and advice for women on attracting men and having better sex. Shows like Sex in the City and Fleabag put female desire front and center and movies like Fatal Attraction portray that desire as powerful and terrible. The Twilight books were not shy about how much Bella wanted to bone Edward and I have no idea how you could’ve missed the entire 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon that brought BDSM to middle-America. And that’s not counting the literal terabytes of woman-written smut, from romance novels to fanfic on An Archive of Our Own that’s spicier than hardware store hot sauce.

S--t, you can find vibrators for sale on the racks at CVS and Walgreens, while you still have to go to the counter and show ID to get allergy pills.  

So, I can’t help you with why you haven’t seen this, because it hasn’t exactly been hidden.

The reason why women aren’t as openly seeking sex or wanting sex in their personal lives is because society still punishes them for it, especially if they’re seeking then “wrong” kind of sex or in the “wrong” way. Witness the hue and cry over every female singer, from Madonna to Sabrina Carpenter, from Sade to 20 Fingers, to Khia, to Lizzo and Cardi B. for singing or rapping about wanting to get d--ked down like a champion. Every time, there’s been a clutching of pearl necklaces and fluttering hands about how awful it all is and what sort of example they’re spreading. Even basic sexual and reproductive health care for women, from hormonal birth control to HPV vaccines are treated as though they encourage “innocent young maidens” to become rapacious Jezebels.

And of course, guys have a tendency to lose their s--t when women are more open about their sexual interest; part of the reason for all the ‘tradwife’ fetish material that showed up everywhere was catering to dudes who get uncomfortable around the flouting of “traditional” gender roles in the dating scene.

So yes, Namast3, women do, in fact get horny. In fact, women’s capacity for sexual desire is as varied as men’s; just as men can be asexual or have low libidos, women can be absolute f--k-monsters. The difference is a combination of social opprobrium and the fact that sex – from pregnancy to the spread of STIs to physical assault – is riskier for women than it is for men.

But even if this wasn’t the case, there’s still the matter of you talking to your girlfriend about what she wants instead of just making assumptions. It would be one thing if this were a case of mismatched libidos, where she would like to be having sex more often than you; that happens quite frequently, especially among couples who don’t prioritize sexual compatibility when they’re looking for a relationship. But instead, this was you unilaterally assuming that you knew your girlfriend better than she did and apparently not bothering to check in with her.

Here’s a handy rule of thumb: if “common sense” says one thing about what women want and your girlfriend says another, side with your girlfriend. I promise you: she knows what she wants far better than a bunch of angry single guys and slapdick grievance peddlers on Reddit whose chief source is “Dude, Trust Me”.

How do you “resolve” the difference between your discipline and your girlfriend’s desires? Well, I guess you decide which is more important for you: continuing to repress yourself until you’re single again and you can find someone who’s not as horny, or a lot more banging with your girlfriend.

Your call.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com