DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: At times, I have met married men at work or in my neighborhood and I wonder if they have any single friends and how I should maybe ask about another guy?

I say hi to this one guy who is around my age and I am thinking he might work in a male dominated field, so maybe he might know of single guys my age. I wondered at times if I should avoid him since he is married so I don’t look bad talking to the married guy…… But then My mother pointed out to my Dad that he is out and about a lot, and he has helped other women.

My parents both worked growing up and my Dad was gone most of the time. I wish they too would mention it more that they have a daughter at home who is looking for a Husband. I think their friends’ kids my age are married or have a house and jobs and dates. I am in my 40’s.

I am at home since I am not working and it’s very difficult to meet a guy and I am at an age where the other women are busy with their husbands and kids and jobs. I feel I am surrounded by people who have so much other things to do.

I do make sure to get to the bookstore once a week but there are hardly any Men there and it’s all women working there so… I need to step up my effort.

So next time I see this friendly neighbor do I say “Do you know any single men my age?” Or do I try something more subtle?

Lead Development Service

DEAR LEAD DEVELOPMENT SERVICE: So the short version of my answer is “yes, but with caveats”. The longer version is… well, it’s going to really depend on a bunch of circumstances.

As a general rule, the most common way that people meet their partners besides dating apps are through mutual friends. Most of the time, this involves a form of what’s known as a “warm” approach – you’re talking to someone that you either already have a social connection to, such as a classmate, or you have friends in common. In these cases, you – and they – are a known quantity, to an extent; you may not be friends, but there’s a level of either passing familiarity or social proof. You’re friends with their friend, so you must be at least a little cool and worth getting to know.

The way that folks meet through mutual friends is either through organic chance or deliberate assistance.

The former would be, for example, that you are both attending your mutual friend’s birthday party or they brought them along to a cookout you were hosting or brought them to a pub-trivia night. You might not have met otherwise, but something your friend did has brought you into proximity to one another.

The latter entails your friend arranging an introduction – whether it’s a literal “Lead Development, this is Jack, Jack, meet Lead Development”, setting up a blind date or otherwise fielding a request to arrange an opportunity for the two of you to meet.

The former tends to involve a certain amount of serendipity; there were circumstances that made it more likely for you and this other person to meet. The latter tends to require that your friend knows that you’re interested in meeting someone, whether someone specific or just someone that your friend would think you would vibe with. And for them to know… well, unless they’re a mind-reader, you’d have to use your words and ask.

My overall advice is “f--k subtlety, ask for what you want”. Playing coy or trying not to look like you want what you want usually just gets in the way of things. People miss hints, misunderstand or misread subtlety, or you may not be communicating your intent as clearly as you think and so wires get crossed. Saying, flat out, “hey, I’m single and the dating scene is a nightmare; if you know someone who you think I’d get along with, I’d love to meet them” may be feel weird, but it ensures clarity and that you’re being understood.

So, in general I would say just tell ‘em you’re single and that you’re looking to mingle and if they could either keep an ear open for someone looking for a woman like you or if they happen to know a guy… well, hook a lady up.

Now comes the caveat: asking a friend for this is one thing. Asking an acquaintance that you barely know is another. If you and your neighbor are only on nodding terms with one another, saying “hey, you got any single guy friends you could introduce me to?” is a hell of a favor to ask. It also is incredibly hard for them to know who to point in your direction. If they don’t know you, they don’t really know who’d be right for you or who you’d be right for. They might have someone they could introduce you to, but that doesn’t mean they’d be a good match. Even someone who’s a good match on paper can be a nightmare – or worse – in person.

Just as importantly, is whether you know him, too. You don’t know if his judgment is sound, if he’s a good judge of character, or even if he is likely to be around the kinds of guys you would want to meet. We tend to have friends who are similar to us in personality, temperament, interests and values. If you don’t know very much about your neighbor, what he thinks or believes or what he values, then you aren’t going to know a lot about what his friends are like. It isn’t going to do you any good if you’re asking someone for an introduction, but all of his and his friends’ values are perpendicular to yours. Or if his friends are even people you would even want to know in the first place.

So, before you go over to request a lead to a hook-up, I’d recommend getting to know him and being friends first. Asking a friend for a favor is very different from asking a relative stranger, and you’ll tend to have much better results if you know you can trust your friend’s taste than to cross your fingers and hope for the best. Otherwise, you may as well skip ahead to hiring a match-maker service; they, at least, tend to have people on file who are also looking to meet folks.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a straight man in my late 30s, married to an incredible woman for more than 10 years now. I want to make it clear before I ask my question that my relationship with my wife is amazing. I have no complaints about her or us. This is all about my issues, not something between my wife and myself that needs to be fixed. So I hope you can help me with this: I would like to feel sexy and I don’t. I never have. I would like to change this. 

I’m not looking to attract other women or have an affair. My wife is the only person I want. The problem is that while I know she’s still attracted to me and I’m still attracted to her, it’s hard for me to feel like a sexual person, rather than someone who just has sex. It’s not even that we’re not having sex, though I certainly wouldn’t mind having more, I just don’t feel like I am sexy. I want to feel that way, and I want to feel that way with my wife, and I want it to be coming from me, instead of expecting her to make me feel this way.

I won’t lie and say that I wouldn’t appreciate other people thinking I’m hot, but I see that more as a side benefit. It’s not even that I don’t think my wife thinks that I’m attractive, it’s more that I have that feeling of “well of course you HAVE to say that, we’re married.” I would like to believe it for myself so I can believe it when SHE says it. What I would like is to not just have her think I’m the sexiest thing she’s ever seen, but for ME to feel like I’m the sexiest thing she’s ever seen. I feel like she deserves a sexy, hot husband and I want to do be able to provide that for her, but for that I have to believe it about myself first. 

I’ll be honest that seeing some “look at my husband, look at this glow-up” videos on TikTok may have intensified the feeling and motivated me to do something about this, but it’s been a way that I’ve felt for a long time. I just feel like my wife deserves a husband who feels like, as you put it, a “sexy bad-ass”, and while I would love to feel like someone she wants to show off and brag about, but even more than that I’d like to feel like a character in Bridgerton, inspiring that level of passion and desire in my wife. 

And since I know a lot of this is how I feel about myself, I’m turning to you: how do I start feeling sexy? I’m in decent shape, I’ve got a daily skin care routine I follow and I’ve got nice hair, so I feel like I’ve got a decent base to work from. What’s the missing ingredient to turn my wife into a howling cartoon wolf when she sees me and for it to feel genuine when I do it?

Not Good, Not Bad, Just Nice

DEAR NOT GOOD, NOT BAD, JUST NICE: You throw a lot of qualifiers and explanations about why you want to feel sexier, NGNBJN, and you really don’t need to. It feels like you need to justify wanting to feel sexy, as though you need an excuse, and you really don’t. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to feel desirable, period. Even if you’re married, even if you know your wife loves you, wanting to feel desirable and sexy is completely legitimate.

It’s also perfectly fine to want people to think you’re sexy, whether they’re your wife or not. Even if you’re not going to go to the party, it’s always nice to be invited. Knowing that folks think you’re hot is exciting, and you can bring that energy and sense of desirability to your relationship.

And honestly, I think it’s sweet that you want to do this because you feel like your wife deserves it. One of the keys to having a strong, happy and enduring relationship with your partner is simply to make an effort. It’s very easy over the course of a long-term relationship to let standards slip a little, to take some things for granted and to not put in the same level of work that you did when you were first dating and everything was fresh and new. Continuing to court your partner, even after you’ve been together for years, helps keep things vibrant and alive.

And if it gives your ego a little bit of a boost in the process, then hey, bonus!

Here’s the thing about sexiness: it’s not as much about looks as it is about energy and attitude. It’s about bodies, sure… but it’s less of a specific build or aesthetic and more about how you feel about your body and what you do with it.

Sexiness is about sensuality and physicality; it’s about the way you engage the senses to create a particular feeling or experience. Sex, after all, is about the body’s perceptions; the more you can bring all one’s senses into play, the sexier and more sensual you can be. Seeing as you mention Bridgerton, one reason why Regé-Jean Paige is so damn hot in it is that he makes eating food seem like a transcendent experience; there’s a deliberate savoring and appreciating something as simple as soup, noting and enjoying not just the flavor but the texture, the thickness, the heat, the seasonings, the way the scent hits his nose and the way it feels in his mouth and going down his throat.

This ends up being unspeakably sexy because it suggests that he treats all pleasurable experiences like that… including in bed with someone. It says he’s not just going to hit it and quit it, it’s saying he wants to savor someone and experience and enjoy every inch of them.

So, the first thing I would suggest is to get in touch with your body and really inhabit it. Most of us tend to drive these meat sacks around like we’re piloting organic mecha rather than really engaging with our bodies in the fullest. By paying attention to your senses, being aware of as them in the moment instead of just passively collecting data, we’re better able to focus on the details of what our senses are telling us.

Be mindful of how things feel against your skin, or the specific way your wife’s skin feels when you touch her arm or hold her hand. Notice how her hair smells vs. the smell of her neck or her breath, the way her body feels when you hold her close. Notice how it feels to lightly run your fingertip over the inside of her wrist. Be aware of the heat of her lips, the warmth of her breath, the softness of her curves and really appreciate them, giving them your full attention, like you’ve never experienced it before. This feels intensely different than the casual, absent-minded sort of touch or physical contact between couples who’ve been together for a long time, and the difference is electric.

But while you’re really inhabiting your body, consider your physicality as well. Sexiness is in the mind, sure, but you express it with your body. One thing I would suggest for you is to learn how to dance. Dance is all about bodies – being aware of them, controlling them, moving in very careful, deliberate ways. Dance can be a celebration, it can be an expression… but it can also be about passion, especially controlled passion. Balls in Bridgerton (and other Regency romances) are so fraught with tension in part because it’s treated like foreplay. It’s two people moving in sync with one another, breathing together, and in a very real way, giving hints of what else they can do with their bodies. Depending on the dance, there is a level of restraint and rigid control, but one that gives little clues as to the desire simmering underneath that surface, hoping for a little slip of one’s discipline. Even the wilder, more overtly sexual kinds of dancing you might see at the club is still restrained; it suggests a wildness and energy that’s waiting to be unleashed at the right time and with the right person.

Dance lessons are a great way to get familiar with your body and how it moves. Even something as seemingly dry and mechanical as a waltz requires that you move your body just so, hold your arms in this particular way, turn with this speed and at that rhythm. You become aware of your weight distribution, where you’re placing your feet, holding specific tension in your arms and back. Latin dances like merengue and salsa put your attention around your hips and core, keeping them loose and moving with smooth grace instead of making herky-jerky motions. The level of body awareness and control that’s implied by being a good dancer also translates to being good in bed; it’s not just inartful thrusting like a fleshy jackhammer, it’s moving with the right rhythm, the deliberately smooth motions to help control and direct the experience.

Ad as an added benefit: dancing excites the central nervous system and arouses the cardiovascular system. The music and motion that engage the brain, the exertion that gets your heart pumping and blood flowing… they’re all very much of a piece with how sexual arousal and excitement feel. Because of how our brains work, we tend to attribute how we feel to the person we’re with, rather than the activity. If you can create the physical sensations of arousal with your wife, say through a night of salsa dancing, then actual arousal tends to come along with it.

But don’t forget to engage the other senses, too. Scent is incredibly powerful, and the better a person smells, the sexier they can be. Scent gets interesting because of how personal it can be; some people love the way a particular fragrance smells on their partner, and others prefer the smell of their partner when they’re au naturel; the scent of their skin and sweat is just hot to them. But because of how primal scent can be, it’s worth experimenting and seeing how certain scents make you feel, and how they smell on you. Every cologne and eau de toilete doesn’t just have top notes, but the notes that develop as the liquid interacts with the heat of your skin and your body’s natural chemistry; what smells delicious on one person can be distracting and unpleasant on another.

If you’re going to use a cologne or scented product like beard oil, I highly recommend aiming for subtlety; there’s a difference between someone catching a hint of sandalwood or amber when they’re close enough to kiss you and walking around reeking of Axe body spray or Drakkar Noir. But because of how scent is tied to the brain, that subtlety means that little hints of it can invoke very powerful responses, especially when your wife associates that scent with you.

I would also tell you to pay attention to how you dress and to dress in ways that make you feel hot. Guys will occasionally complain that there’s not really a way for men to dress “sexily” or “slutty”, but that’s not actually true. Dressing sexy is about what’s concealed and what’s revealed, what you draw attention to and what you don’t let people see. If you look at outfits on women that most people would consider sexy, they tend to emphasize her bust and hips, showing her curves and exposing cleavage but still keeping things concealed. Even the “naked” dress trend at awards and galas hint more than they show and what they do show often means having to actively look; the hints of flesh catch the eye and inspire someone to try to look closer to see if they saw what they thought they saw.

The same thing applies to men; it’s just about understanding what to draw attention to, what to hint at and what to keep concealed. A deep v-neck or opening your collared shirt an extra button or two can show more chest hair or your pecs. Rolling up your shirt sleeves in the Italian style to bring attention to your hands and forearms, a shirt that emphasizes the shape and size of your shoulders, even pants that show how caked-up you are… these are all pretty damn sexy.

But what’s more important is dressing in ways that make you feel sexy. If you feel like there’s nothing sexier than a suit so razor sharp you could cut paper with it, that’s what you should go with. If you’re more of a James Dean-esque white tee with rolled up sleeves and cuffed selvedge jeans type, then that’s what you want to rock; bonus points for putting a pack of cigarettes in the fold of the sleeve for a little French flair. The point is that the way you dress will influence how you behave, how you carry yourself and how you see yourself; dressing in ways that make you feel sexy make it easier to be sexy.

The last thing I would suggest is to remember that part of sexiness is how you make other people feel desired, and showing that you desire them is a big part of it. But it’s more than just about desire, but desire that would run wild… if you didn’t have it firmly under control. There are few things that make you want something more than being told you can’t have it… at least not yet. Part of why Gomez and Morticia are seen as relationship goals is that they are always hot for one another, and are just barely keeping it under the surface. And not very well, at that.

So, when you’re wanting to be sexy, think sexy and let those thoughts show in your face and gaze. Part of what makes the conversation between George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez in Out of Sight so hot is the way that Clooney is clearly imagining Lopez in bed… and letting those thoughts show in his gaze and in his expression. It’s a very subtle thing, but the heat and desire in his eyes changes even a banal conversation into something fraught with sexual tension. Again, it’s that sense of barely reigned in desire; it’s under control, but there are little hints of what it would be like if it broke free, and the desire to let it loose is right there and if his control slips just a little… well, the need to keep a hold on it until later just amps up the desire to make “later” happen a hell of a lot sooner.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: This is my first time writing here. I found you thanks to Twitter.

My question is: what do you do when your beliefs come into conflict?

You see, I’m just a regular guy who loves computer science and programming. At work, I gave a small presentation about the cyclomatic complexity of a process and how reducing it would save costs across different areas. I’m very passionate about my work, so during that presentation it didn’t feel like “me” — it was like I became another person, moving with an incredible amount of confidence.

After the meeting, a woman from HR — who oversees one of the programs I had suggested optimizing (a payroll system) — came up to me and asked if I wanted to grab a coffee and talk. My immediate response was simply, “Talk about what?” She then said, “It’s okay if you don’t want to.”

It wasn’t until later that I realized what had actually happened. And aside from being a little slow on the uptake, my beliefs came into conflict. I’m not Henry Cavill, nor am I someone conventionally attractive that things like this would just happen to. This left me in a state of dissonance that still makes me feel uneasy.

It’s A Trap?

DEAR IT’S A TRAP?: If I’m understanding you correctly, you’re asking what do you do when your self-limiting beliefs – specifically, that you’re not someone that women approach and ask to get coffee – conflict with, say, a woman approaching you and asking you to get coffee, correct?

Well, it’s a little like what you do if someone asks if you’re a god: YOU. SAY! YES!!

For the record, I think that she just wanted to talk about implementing your ideas, but you are on the verge of understanding something incredibly important about yourself and what you’re capable of.

Let me tell you precisely what happened here: you were in the zone. You let this side of yourself – the side that’s excited to talk about this seemingly boring and technical process – shine through. Your passion was given free reign and over the course of this presentation, you encouraged people to see this topic the way you do. That enthusiasm and that passion carried people along and for a moment, they understood. They may not know the technical ins and outs of it the way you do but goddamn, they could see how this could be incredibly useful and also interesting.

So, small wonder that someone who would benefit from your suggestions wanted to talk to you afterwards. Maybe she just wanted to talk about implementing the topic, maybe she would’ve been open to talking about more than just reducing cyclomatic complexity… but you won’t know if you don’t say “Sure, how about we meet up at the Lucky Bean at 5?”

If you ever want to see what this looks like from the outside, check out Tom Cruise talking about traffic patterns in Mission Impossible 3; it’s a topic that isn’t interesting in and of itself but the way that Cruise lets his enthusiasm fill him is what locks people in.

(And, incidentally, that focused enthusiasm and attention is also part of Cruise’s off-screen charm; making someone feel like the most interesting man or woman in the room is a quick and easy way to get people to like you.)

Here’s the thing: there’s a reason why I call these self-limiting beliefs. They’re just that: artificial limits you’ve put on yourself that hinder you. They’re not real. They’re true, only to the extent that you make them true; you filter everything you experience through those beliefs and miss out on opportunities like the one you just had. Why? Because you don’t believe they could actually be happening. You dismiss it as a misunderstanding or the assumption that it’s a trick or that you’re missing something. And that’s if you see them at all in the first place.

Nobody’s saying that being conventionally attractive doesn’t have its benefits; it does. But it’s a bonus to your charisma roll, not a guaranteed success, nor is it the only way you get an advantage on your roll… as you’ve seen. Confidence, passion and just being interesting gets you further than looks, and people who are good looking can still biff it hard. Even if you’re rolling with advantage, you can still have a critical fail, just as you can still roll double nat-20s when you’re rolling with disadvantage.

But it’s hard to see that when you’re convinced that you’re permanently rolling at disadvantage… especially when you’re not.

You believe these things because other s--tty people from Trust Me Bro University – and don’t think I don’t know where the Henry Cavill thing comes from – told you that guys like you don’t have these experiences. That only certain people do, guys who are nothing like you. The best of the best, the top of the top, the crème de la crème do; everyone else is s--t out of luck. And because you believe it, you make it true, by snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and watching all of life through the piss-colored filters of those limiting beliefs.

But as it turns out: life doesn’t work the way that slap-dick grievance peddlers tell you that it does. They need you to believe it does because it means you’ll never leave the bucket with the rest of the crabs, and you’ll be ready to buy their next round of snake-oil that won’t work and leave you even more frustrated and lonely and resentful… and you’ll keep listening to them.

Just as importantly though, giving up those beliefs costs you nothing but gain you everything.

I mean, if we take your experience as an example, in the worst-case scenario, you have coffee and some conversation and maybe you’re a little embarrassed if it turns out that it’s just a work thing instead of a date. That’s still pretty good, especially since you can laugh about the misunderstanding (if there is one) and move on. Because, sure, she wasn’t being flirty… but you’ve just displayed not just confidence but emotional maturity and a willingness to laugh off a mistake instead of losing your s--t. That’s a quality that not only would your new friend in HR notice, but other people would notice as well.

You just had a fundamental belief of yours challenged; it’s time to accept that maybe this is a place where you’re wrong. It costs you nothing to assume that you are and to behave as though you are someone that these things happen to. Hell, if you adopt that more positive, more empowering belief, you’ll actually see more occasions like this… because you’ll actually be looking for them. After all, if confirmation bias means that you’re going to see evidence for what you believe, you may as well believe in something that helps you.

You’ve just had a taste of what’s possible for you, when you let this side of you shine through. If you can carry that energy with you into your other interactions… well, you’re going to discover that a lot of folks are going to sit up and notice when you walk by.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com