DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m not exactly sure what term to use for myself. Broke off my last relationship because it was toxic almost 12 years ago.

And in that time I’ve just… given up. Still have a libido, still find some people attractive, but like, the thought of trying to start a new relationship from scratch is both exhausting and depressing. Is this being aromantic? It’s not Incel, b/c I’m not seething with rage that it’s everyone else’s fault & making this everyone else’s problem.

Probably culture and marketing but I feel like there’s this expectation that I ought to be structuring my life around finding a partner. And that just feels like one more expectation I’m failing at because I have no interest in trying anymore.

Is Aro the right label or is this just depression? Been unemployed several months and that’s for sure not helping, but I’ve been romantically checked out for over a decade.

What Am I?

DEAR WHAT AM I: Aromanticism and asexuality can be hard to pin down in part because they fall on a spectrum. Asexual people run a gamut from people who are actively repulsed by the concept of sex and sexual desire, to people who just don’t feel sexual attraction and never have, to people who feel it faintly, rarely, or in very specific circumstances.

The same goes for being aromantic; it falls on a similar spectrum from “never feeling it” to “only feeling it faintly” to “rarely and with very particular people or situations”.

But the thing that tends to define the ace/aro spectrum is the absence of a desire or emotion, rather than those being smothered by other feelings, the way you describe.

While it’s certainly possible that you’re ace or aro, WAI, I think it’s far more likely that you’re depressed. Feeling like there’s no point, a numbness or losing the desire for something that once had a lot of meaning or importance to you are common symptoms of depression. I wouldn’t be surprised if your toxic relationship was a trigger for this, but I think it’s equally possible �that the relationship and breakup exacerbated what was already there.

The fact that this has gone on for a decade doesn’t really surprise me; depression can be self-reinforcing, and it’s often easy to miss at first. Depression is insidious because of how it presents itself. We tend to think of it as having The Blues, but often it’s not feeling sad or melancholy so much as feeling numb and exhausted. The numbness is something of a tell; it’s not a lack of feeling so much as not feeling something that should be there. When your hand’s gone numb, you know something is off because you should feel something but don’t. Absence – like in many forms of asexuality – is more a case of “it wasn’t there in the first place”.

Just as importantly though, is that depression makes everything feel pointless and tiring. It’s that sense of “it’s too much bother to do X and X wouldn’t work anyway, so I’m not going to even try”, often paired with that sense of “…even though I want X”. So, there’s a sense of inadequacy or disappointment, like you’re failing at something that you should be doing even as you feel like there’s no point to it.

In fact, there are a couple points in your letter that really scream “depression” to me. The first is the sense of expectation that you mention, which often strengthens that sense of “I should be doing X but I’m not, so I’m a loser”. The other is the fact that you’re unemployed. This tends to depress people for obvious reasons, but men often feel that sting particularly keenly. If you’re unable to find a job or hold one down, after all, you’re “failing” at one of the ways men are taught to measure their worth. If you feel like a failure as a man in one area, that often tends to rebound to other areas where men are expected to measure up.

I think this is a case where talking to a doctor – someone who can actually prescribe medication – would be helpful. Depression can be a difficult beast to treat, because it’s often as much chemical as it is emotional. An antidepressant like Wellbutrin can help you feel closer to, if not normal then at least functional. That, in turn, makes it easier to address the emotional side of things with a counselor or therapist. It’s difficult, after all, to address the lingering pain of your toxic relationship if you don’t feel like there’s any point to it or hope for the future.

If you go this route, I will warn you that treating depression is more art than science. It takes time and patience to find both the medication that works for you and to find the effective dosage, so there’s an often-frustrating period of having to wait and see before moving to a different medication or form of therapy. As much as it sucks, treating depression frequently requires a willingness to white-knuckle your way through weeks of feeling like nothing is happening until the cloud lifts or you and your doctor agree that it’s time to either adjust the dosage or try a different medication.

However, one thing I strongly recommend that you be willing to advocate for your own needs while you’re finding the medication that works for you. A lot of antidepressants have unpleasant side-effects, including reducing your libido (or killing it entirely) or making it next-to-impossible to orgasm at all. If your medication comes with side-effects that bother you, tell your doctor that you’re not willing to continue with that particular medication and you want one that doesn’t have those effects. Sexual function and satisfaction are entirely valid things to prioritize, even when trying to treat your mental health, so don’t be afraid to speak up if the medication is interfering with those.

Hopefully, treating your depression will lift the fog you’ve been living under and you’ll feel more empowered and able to decide where you want to go from here.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been pursuing a woman, she’s Georgian, for a few months who I’ve gone to university with. I can tell she really likes me due to her obvious body language and since I’ve become more experienced as I’ve aged.

I have learned to be less pushy, be fun and easygoing and had been doing good so far. I did well with the hot and cold games, matched her texting, patterns, and stuff like that.

Here’s where I really screwed up and am wondering if I lost any chance of re-entering the game. Again, I know for sure she was interested, or testing me out, but I got impatient with her after she played another game with me. After too much hot and cold and her suggesting she just wanted friendship I jumped the gun. Her actions contradict that, and especially her body language, as I’ve never experienced so much sexual tensions.

Now, I’ll be honest, it’s quite possible she was just really attracted to me (but not interested) or I imagined too much in my head.

However, assuming I was right and she was interested I’d like to know how I should deal with my stupid mistake. I got angry and we had a long back and forth over text where I called out her (what I thought was obvious interest) and of course she denied it (as expected). It didn’t get too heated and mean but obviously it was a real dumb move and I’m worried I’ve blown any chance with escalating with her. On the plus side she didn’t tell me to get lost or block me, and I think her arguing back so much instead of doing those things and ignoring me means maybe she does have real feelings. Because in the past when I’ve been dumb enough to make such a mistake they usually don’t care and we rarely talk again.

She also forgive me really quickly and seems to have put it behind her.

Anyway, sorry for the long rant. I realize I made some rookie mistakes and I want an honest opinion if I’m toast, or if there is something(s) I can do to salvage this.

Reload, Restart, Quit 

DEAR RELOAD, RESTART, QUIT: If I’m being honest, RRQ, the way you salvage this is to get your hands on a flux capacitor, go back in time and slap the phone out of your hands before you could fly off the handle.

Yes, I fully understand that this isn’t the most actionable advice, but this is very much a case where the only move that works is to not end up in that situation in the first place. 

You’re not the first person to get frustrated when they feel like someone is “playing games” and feel like they’re not getting the response that they expect, and you won’t be the last. What you won’t be is the first person to successfully call someone out on it. This is something that has, quite literally never worked, and I think folks don’t truly understand the rationale behind their behavior.

The problem is that, when you dig down into the particulars, you will almost always find that this is an issue of crossed wires. Someone either has misunderstood the nature of their interaction, not understood the message behind the supposed “game”, or else has ultimately gotten an answer that they didn’t like and chose to ignore it.

However, because it’s not what they wanted or expected, they get upset and put the blame on the other person for misleading them. This, in turn, motivates some people to call the other person out on it, thinking that this was deliberate on their part.

This is something that I see a lot in dating advice for men, especially from a particular stripe of masculinity influencers: the idea that “calling women out” on their behavior is a good and smart tactic that will somehow get you what you want. It’s part and parcel of the concept of “s--t tests” or that women “secretly” want a guy to be dominant or “in charge” and who won’t “put up with their s--t”; women – or so the theory goes – are playing head games to ‘test’ whether you’re really dominant or alpha or whatever and want you to call them out. 

This works about as well as painting a giant tunnel on a cliff face and then trying to run through it, in no small part because the point of “calling someone on their s--t” isn’t to change their mind.  That sort of reaction isn’t about “passing” someone’s test or changing their mind. It’s about lashing out because someone pricked your ego and you’re trying to hurt them back. That’s it. There might be some part of you that thinks that this is going to snap them out of it and make them realize that they’re about to lose a good thing… but really, this is about feeling like you’ve been unfairly denied something you feel entitled to.

It’s a little like calling someone out when they say they have a boyfriend or husband but they don’t; it’s not as though they’re going to say “whoops, you got me, guess I have to date you now”. They weren’t saying “are you a bad enough dude to pass my test”, they were saying “I’m not interested, but men tend to respect that if I seem to be someone else’s ‘property’, so I’m going to run with that instead. “Calling out the deception doesn’t change the underlying message, it just further confirms the “no”.

Here’s the thing: it’s entirely understandable that you feel frustrated by this. If you two have been flirting – or at least it feels like you’ve been flirting – back and forth, it can feel like someone is just toying with you when it turns out that they aren’t interested in the sort of relationship you want. But calling them out on “playing games” or toying with you or wasting your time or what-have-you is never going to get someone interested in dating you.

When you decide to read someone the riot act for blowing hot and cold or only offering friendship when you feel like they’ve been hinting at more, you’re not going to change their mind. You can’t, because more often than not, “more” was never on the table in the first place. The odds are much greater that you were reading things incorrectly or that the other person wasn’t flirting with intent and assumed you understood that… assuming they were even flirting to begin with.

The issue here is that, once you’ve reached this point, it means that someone, somewhere in the course of your interactions, has misread or misunderstood the situation. It’s not that the other person is “playing games”, so much as the person getting frustrated has not realized that they’re not on the same page at all.

This is why I say that the only winning move is not to end up here in the first place; getting to this situation means that understanding has broken down somewhere along the line.

I suspect that, for you, this came from focusing too much on the form (matching her patterns, playing hot and cold) and not the function. The point of flirting is to send a message: you like them. Flirting can be fun in and of itself and people do flirt for the sake of flirting, but if you don’t actually take the next step, it’s not going to go anywhere.

The longer you go without actually taking that step, the greater the odds that it’s not going to happen. It’s a little like constant messaging back and forth on dating apps; the point isn’t to message people, it’s to go on dates. If you just keep trading messages back and forth, eventually the moment will pass and they’re going to go on a date with someone who did ask them out. You reach the point where it’s been going on for so long that someone isn’t going to want to risk the status quo, or they assume that the other person isn’t actually serious, or someone finds out that the other person wasn’t interested in more.

The reason why I always advise people to actually make a move, is so that your intent is known and understood. The longer the games go on, the harder it is to read things accurately because nothing is happening. The banter becomes banter for its own sake, not as a playful way of signaling interest and building tension prior to getting together.

Now, the reason why some folks get caught in the flirting/hot-cold loop is understandable; they’re trying to avoid rejection. They’re seeing flirting or bantering like this as a way of grinding out the social meter; get it to the right threshold and you’re ‘guaranteed’ a date. Make your move too early and they’ll reject you and that path is closed off forever.

The thing is though: this isn’t how people work and it’s not how dating works. There are no guarantees, simply because love isn’t something you can “win” through perfect play. There is no way to start a relationship without being vulnerable and opening yourself up to the possibility of rejection and disappointment. That’s baked into the premise, and you have to accept the risk if you’re going to try. If you try to avoid rejection, you’re still going to get hurt; the only difference is how much time and emotional energy you’ve invested when it happens.

And that brings us to where we are now, and the mistake you’re still making. You’re looking for some way to “prove” you were right, even as you concede that you could be reading this entirely incorrectly. More importantly though, is that I don’t think you realize that you’re telling this woman that she doesn’t understand her own feelings or actions and that you know them better than she does. There is, quite literally, no way for this to go well. The fact that she’s arguing with you, for example, doesn’t mean that you were right or that she really does have feelings for you. It means that she’s trying to tell you what her intent was and that you were mistaken. You, however, don’t seem to be listening.

It’s incredibly insulting to be told that you don’t know your own mind and that someone else does, and that’s not going to inspire feelings of affection and desire. It is, however, a great way to shut off any chance of pulling a friendship out of this.

The best way you could have handled this – that Hail Mary – I mentioned before isn’t to call her out, it’s to call out your side of things. You need to drop the games and the pretense and be both direct and sincere. You want to say “ok, hang on, I think I may be on the wrong page here. So we’re clear, I am interested in you as more than a friend and I thought our flirting meant you felt similarly. Have I been mistaken about that?”

The goal at this point isn’t to change her mind, it’s to gain understanding, so you understand what to do next. If they were interested but the moment passed, you now know not to wait so long before making an actual move, or to at least make your interest clear and known. If they weren’t interested or had reasons why they didn’t want to pursue things, then you can adjust your expectations and – if necessary – your behavior.

It also has the benefit of preventing you from flying off the handle at her over your wounded pride.

But you did and, since time travel isn’t an option, you’re going to have to accept the consequences of your choices. The only – only – move you have now if you want to keep a friendship with her is to apologize and to apologize correctly. That means you say “I want to apologize for the way I acted. I clearly misread things, and I got upset because I felt foolish and I lashed out at you about it. I regret what I said and hurting you and I can only say I’m sorry.”

To be very clear: this isn’t about saving your chances of getting with her or getting another shot. This is about trying to staunch the bleeding and not making things worse. After you apologize and, assuming she accepts it, you have to let her decide how things go from here and follow her lead. There’s no guarantee that doing so will mean you two stay friends or for long, but trying to push things will definitely push things away.

Going forward, do your best to learn from this, so you don’t make the same mistakes and end up back here. It’s better to establish where things stand early than it is to get to the point where you’re frustrated and feeling tempted to call her out. It’s easier to come back from asking someone out before they’re ready or sure they’re interested than it is to try to repair bridges after you set them on fire.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Sorry for the long letter and if the English is not the great since it is not my mother tongue.

I am writing to you for advice because despite trying for 20+ years I am still utterly romantically invisible to woman and honestly at this point I am just thinking of trying to turn full blow criminal, just to at least get a chance with the hybristophilia crowd, since somehow criminals never seem to lack for female attention, whilst I am still stuck on the everlasting sidelines of it all.

I have been a legal officer in my home country for a good 15 years, working to assist in court cases (criminal and migration law mostly) but also making my own decisions in lesser cases. I also offer free legal advice and consulting in the service of the public as part of the job. I really like my job, especially the consulting part and have been told that I am really good at it. Also fairly popular with my teammates, superiors and assistants. The pay is also great and it never really gets dull just because each case is of course different in some way. Plus I can actually help people or in some cases help put away people that are deeply dangerous.

As for my private life, I have mostly nerdy hobbies. I regularly master Call of Cthulhu in various one shoots and campaigns, with some regulars but we often take in new players if someone is interested. We also play other TTRPGs and board games and have started to form a gaming club. I am also fairly active in a Regency reenactment group (yes, it is as nerdy as it sounds) and currently working on a history degree just because it interests me. Once a year I will travel somewhere just because it sounds historically interesting. Otherwise, I also host a book and cinema club (we meet all once in a while to watch something together and disuse it or talk about a book everyone read) and also volunteer with the elderly (mostly helping with IT problems or if they need something filed for them). Until recently I was also a volunteer with a crisis line, but they had to shut it down do to funding cuts. Other stuff is mostly just things I do for myself to calm down and clear my mind. Yoga, reading, fishing, learning new recipes and just culinary experimentation. Nothing fancy. I used to do meet ups but lost interested in that during the lockdown and after the pandemic it just did not feel fun to go anymore. Also was into boxing for a few years, but got injured pretty badly and had to give it up. I know that once my history degree is through, I will likely just pick up to do something else that strikes my fancy.

As for dating, well there have been attempts, all in vain. I used to ask out woman I meet through my hobbies where there seemed to be a shared interested in going in that direction, but it never got reciprocated. Tried online dating, but it just never went anywhere either. The only person who showed interest in me for more than a few weeks of writing was catfishing (actually got him arrested by just passing on the information to the police). I have been to single events for years, but it also just never seems to go anywhere. There just seems to be no interest on the other side and I just got really tired of it. The whole putting myself out there, meeting someone that actually sounds interesting, having a good talk, making them laugh, flirting a little, the feeling of this might go somewhere and at the end of the day it turns out to have been one sided again.

I am mostly happy or at least content if I am doing stuff, for a few years I get these bouts of sadness about how unsuccessful I have been with attracting someone to my life. Just these little moments of it all feels kind of pointless. Mostly when I see a happy couple, or people kissing in public. The worst is if I come back from a business or vacation trip and I can see someone getting picked up by a partner. Whilst I am just standing there alone with that feeling of, yeah, I could have just as well not have come back, no one really cares anyway. I know rationally it is nonsense, that I have friends and colleagues that would of course deeply miss me, but there is just no-one special. The feeling has gotten worse since I was diagnosed with colon cancer a while back and have had to take medicine for it and it has of course impacted my health. Though I am in full recovery at least.

I have gone into therapy about it, but they just mostly showed me exercises to calm my mind and tell me to focus on other stuff. It will happen when it will happen. A lot of people are single these days. Romantic relationships are not that important. It just makes me more tired of it all.

Time for a obligatory Tommy Wiseau “”I’m fed up with this world!” gif or something I guess.

I have asked a few female friends what they think it could be that I seem to lack. A few pointed out that I am not all that handsome, which I have known my whole life. I am not deformed or anything, if anything I just look bland, I guess. I am in shape, though have been underweight for a while because of the cancer stuff, and have a slight limp due to a sports injury. I accepted 10 years ago that I will be bald no matter how hard I try to fake it and just started shaving my head. But these kinds of things have not stopped other people from being romantically successful either.

Two felt I have a very dark and laconic sense of humor, which might not be to everyone’s taste. Which is not helpful because I am not trying to be to everyone’s taste, I am looking for someone who I like and her not getting my humor will not help anyone in that constellation.

Otherwise, it was just the usual friends stuff. He your great, we always have a great time together, you are funny, supportive, reliable etc., it is there loss for not seeing what a great catch you are. Nice to hear but sadly also not helpful.

Which brings me around to me initial question because at this point, it just really feels like I will be spending the rest of my life alone unless I do something deeply radical.

Maybe it is job bias or because I am depressed about the whole thing, but no matter how f--ked up some of the criminals I have to deal with are, they always seem to have woman that are interested in them. I get deeply passionate short novel length letters from woman proclaiming their undying love for dudes who deal drugs to minors. I have a case where a really attractive and smart high school teacher married a guy who had killed his previous two wives. Hell I have had a coworker flirt with a guy who tried to poison his mother so he could get her money whilst I was in the same room as them. Just as a sample. Whilst I am just sitting there wondering what I am doing so fundamentally wrong.

I think I am a perfectly decent guy, who tries and tries and tries, and the most romantic thing that ever happened to me was some catfisher telling me that I seem really funny, nice and would love to get to know me better. Which just feels pathetic if you reflect even a little on it.

Time for another Tommy Wiseau “I’m fed up with this world!” gif I guess.

It just feels like something in me is starting to just break. I know life is not fair and all but it sure would be nice if someone would show up sometime soon. Because honestly it is starting to feel like robbing a bank might be my best option to get someone interested in me. Though I already know I am just to considered and would not pull it off anyway because I would not want to traumatic bystanders and employees. Just not enough of the killer mentality for the ladies I guess.

Sorry for the length of the letter again.

Yours kindly

Fed up with it all

DEAR FED UP WITH IT ALL: So, I initially pulled your letter because it’s been a bit since we’ve had the “women don’t like good guys” discourse around here, but frankly there’re more than a few things in your letter that suggest that you’re falling into a lot of the same traps that other frustrated nice guys (as opposed to Nice GuysTM) get stuck in.

I think the first thing I want to start with is the comment about the catfisher and how pathetic it feels, because I think this is relevant to your mental state. You’re making this out as some sign of your inherent pitiable state – both in terms that this is the most romantic comment you’ve gotten and that it felt good when you got it – and it’s not.

For one thing, as I’ve said before: there really isn’t shame in being conned by a con-artist; they’ve had more practice at deceiving people than you’ve had at detecting when someone’s pulling a con on you. The fact that you felt good when they made those comments doesn’t make you pathetic, it simply means that they understand what they’re doing. Con artists and catfishers are take deliberate aim at the most universal and human desires: to feel special and appreciated by someone. We’re social creatures, and we have all sorts of mental wiring and instincts that play to the desire for community and connection. It’s not really a surprise that someone saying they admire these qualities in you and would like to get to know you better would make you feel good; that would make anyone feel good.

The fact that this is the only person who’s said it to you doesn’t imply that you’re sad or pathetic either. Your worth isn’t measured by how many compliments you’ve received from people or – more importantly – the people that “count”. After all, your friends have also paid you compliments on your being a person they’re glad to know and have in their lives. The biggest difference between the two is that you discount the import or meaning of it when it comes from platonic friends, rather than from a potential romantic connection. Now, we’re going to put a pin in way that friendship and platonic love is seen as being important – even when those friendships have existed for longer and outlast romantic relationships – but the important part to remember is: the catfisher isn’t the only person who’s said these things. They’re just the person you’re giving any real import or impact to, because it gives you a reason to feel down on yourself.

And that is a rather convenient segue, because that brings me to the comments you made contrasting yourself as a well-rounded, complex and generally good person who’s single versus the criminals who appeal to “the hybristophilia crowd” and who supposedly “never seem to lack for female attention”. This is another example of you focusing in on things that aren’t actually true, simply because it plays into your frustration. This is classic confirmation bias in action; criminals aren’t swimming in dates any more than anyone else is – and certainly not because they’re criminals. It’s an idea that appeals to you partially of how it plays into your self-image and the idea that who you are is deficient or flawed in some way; these people who are seemingly diametrically opposed to you are supposedly succeeding in ways that you feel you’re failing, which means there must be something wrong with you. It couldn’t possibly be about bad luck (and yes, those can last for years and decades), demographic challenges, or about a need to pursue changes in your life; it must be that you, specifically, are simply undesirable.

This sort of thinking is perversely appealing, in no small part because it relieves the person who thinks it of responsibility. If the flaw is inherent and unchangeable, then you have been absolved of needing to do anything about it. It means that you can see yourself in almost poetic terms – the hero, doomed through no fault of his own by a cruel twist of fate in a universe that takes less notice of him than it would an insect. There’s a romance of a sort in this situation, the knight-errant who is facing down a lost and impossible cause, knowing that he’s doomed but striving anyway. There’s tragedy, sure, but tragedy of the noble sort, which brings meaning to the suffering he endures. While he may be fated never to achieve his long-held dreams, there’s purpose to it all, a martyr to love.

But it’s that supposed absolution of responsibility that gives them the excuse not to actually examine or even question those beliefs and assumptions.

For one thing, there’s the inherent assumption that it’s the “badness” that’s what’s appealing to women, and thus making being a “good” or “nice” guy unappealing. The frustration at seeing those supposed “bad boys” has as much to do with the idea that love is a measure of morality – that someone’s romantic interest is a reward from the universe for being A Good Person, rather than being a combination of emotions, social connections and chemical reactions.

But that’s not the case. Leaving aside that hybristophila – the paraphilia for people who’ve committed violent crimes – is profoundly uncommon and more akin to parasocial relationships with celebrities than a widespread phenomenon, the complaints that women like “bad” men is based on little more than vibes. The person complaining about how women seem to prefer dating jerks is making the assumption that the “jerk” aspect is the draw. Their “badness” stands out to you and draws your focus, and so you miss that these aren’t mustache twirling villains who give monologues about how great it is to be evil. They’re people. Flawed, messy, often horrible… but people none the less. And that brings a level of complexity that many folks choose to ignore, simply because it gets in the way of the narrative they’ve chosen.

In reality, it’s more accurate to say that the attraction exists despite it, not because of it. The idea of “I can fix him”, for example, doesn’t mean that someone’s socially maladaptive behavior is appealing; it’s the belief that it’s something that can be changed. This is often more about feeling that they have to “earn” being loved, the way White Knights feel the need to “save” the objects of their affections.

Hell, part of Henry Kissinger’s “appeal” with women (much of which, it must be said, was self-aggrandizement and myth-making, not reality) was simply listening to what women had to say and showing interest in their opinions, not the fact that he was a war criminal with the blood of millions on his hands.

Just as importantly though, is that you are the outside observer; you’re not actually in the relationship. You assume that it’s the badness or the criminality because, as I said, you are seeing it as being the major difference. But you’re not there. You’re not witnessing these people in their private moments, you’re not watching their courtship, uninterrupted from beginning to end and you’re not in their heads. You don’t know what brought the couple together or even what keeps them together. People can and do stay in relationships with folks who are unquestionably horrible and dangerous, even knowing the danger they represent. They may feel like they have no other option. They may feel like they are obligated to stay, or fear that leaving would be even worse for them than staying. And in many cases, they’re seduced or manipulated into staying; many, many people have been frustrated and horrified to watch their friends and family return to abusive and even violent partners.

So, no, it’s not a matter that you’re just a cinnamon roll, too good and too pure for this fallen world, while the criminals and murderers thrive because they’re evil and corrupt. This is just you, finding another way of beating yourself up for the supposed “sin” of having not found the kind of relationship you want.

And it’s that belief that there’s something flawed or wrong with you that’s really the underlying problem. As long as you hold onto that belief, you give yourself permission to not only really dig into what could be holding yourself back and to not commit to changes or improvements. If you believe that you’re flawed or broken in some way, then there’s no point to actually putting in the effort to make changes. You have already decided that it will fail and so you half-ass it. When you run into challenges – as everyone does – you don’t take it as a challenge so much as “proof” that this isn’t going to work.

It also limits your sense of what’s possible or how you could work around challenges or limitations. Being classically handsome is an advantage, sure… but plenty of handsome people are single and lonely and plenty of ugly people have lovers and spouses. Serge Gainsbourg looks like someone dipped frogs in nicotine before throwing them into the teleporter from The Fly, and was infamous for his affairs with some of the most beautiful starlets and models of his day. Michael Berryman, who was born without hair, sweat glands or even fingernails, has made a career of playing freaks, killers and literal monsters on the strength of his natural features… and has been married for decades. The strength of their appeal wasn’t in their looks, so much as their holistic selves.

If you truly are average-looking and somewhat bland, this is something easily fixed through style and presentation. Shaving your head is a great start. I would also recommend considering growing facial hair along with it. Bald-with-a-beard is frequently a winning combination; Avery Brooks is a decent looking man with a full head of hair and a clean shave, but a shaved head and goatee makes him electric. The right sense of style can, likewise, make a world of difference. Recovering from colon cancer may have left you a little underweight, but layers and tailoring can not only fill you out but turn your silhouette to something leaner and more put together. Even a walking stick to help with the limp may seem like an affectation, but it can help craft a persona and help you fit into an archetype that you’ve chosen and shaped.

I would also consider your sense of humor. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with “dark and laconic”, but there’s “dark” and then there’s excessively morbid or depressing. “Dark” covers a lot of territory, and like sarcasm or being sardonic, is an area where a little goes a long way and quickly becomes overwhelming. Moreover, a lot of people’s supposed “dark” sense of humor can fall into doomerism and fatalism, which ultimately tends to turn people off. You may want to consider trying to lighten up by a few notches. You don’t have to become Little Marky Sunshine, but not being the voice of doom and gloom is only going to help. This is an area where looking to a different therapist might help. Right now, it sounds like you’re more focused on the feeling of loneliness and wanting relationships and you’re getting CBT therapy to help manage those feelings. Perhaps it’s time to look into something more dialectical, to change your outlook rather than trying to be more stoic about being single.

The last thing I would suggest that you need to do to pull out of this spiral is to take an honest look at your life. As banal as this is going to sound, you need to actually count your blessings and recognize just how much you have in your life now. Part of the reason why you – like many other men in situations like yours – feel so depressed and lost is that you’re focused on what you don’t have and ignoring what you do.

By your own words, you are popular and well-liked, with close friends and acquaintances, the respect of your peers and a well-rounded and full life. But by your own accounting, all of this means less, simply because it’s not the very specific kind of relationship you want. You talk about wanting someone “special”, but seem to dismiss how many people in your life care for you and care for you deeply. This is what I mean when I talk about how platonic or non-romantic relationships get short-shrift; these are all people who clearly see you as being incredibly important in their lives, but to you this is less ‘significant’ than a romantic relationship. But ask yourself: would a romantic relationship of, let’s say 5 months, mean more or less to you than a close friendship of years? Why would someone you hadn’t known as long, don’t have the same level of shared history and experience or emotional intimacy with, be more important? Why is that kind of love more “special” than someone who knows you better and loved you longer, even if that love were philia rather than eros or agape?

I think part of the reason why you struggle is that you’ve made finding a partner into something so significant and so representational, that you’re ultimately handicapping yourself. I understand that desire, believe me… but once you’ve started talking about how empty life is without it, you have cut yourself off from the blessings you already have. Living a life that’s full and appreciating what you have will make you a far more attractive and interesting person, simply because you won’t be nearly as much of a downer. People are more likely to want to be a part of a life of someone who has a great community, great friends, a diverse array of unique and appealing interests and hobbies than they would someone who sees a romantic relationship as the end-all/be-all of their existence. It’s much easier to find someone who wants to be part of a well-rounded life than it is to find someone who would be comfortable with the level of intense attention you seem to give to the possibility of romance.

So, I think taking some time to really take stock and appreciate how much you have and embrace gratitude for it will go a long way… not just for changing your overall outlook, but the odds of finding a special someone who would fit into your life too.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com