DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m writing to you because of a problem I’m having with my fiancé’s parents that I’m worried is only going to get worse. 

I’ve been with “Janet”, now my fiancé, for three and a half years. Our personalities clicked from the moment we met at a creative-professionals-under-30 Meetup and we both realized very quickly that we had found our better half. I can’t believe how lucky I am that someone as talented, creative and ambitious as Janet, and she feels the same about me. We’re looking forward to being married and raising a family together. 

In that time, I’ve gotten to know her family and while her cousins, aunt and uncle all like me, my relationship with her parents has been polite at best. They’ve never been rude or openly inhospitable to me, even in a well-mannered way, but it’s impossible to miss that they’re tolerating me at best. I am not the only person who’s noticed this; Janet has mentioned it several times as well, to me and to her parents. 

The central conflict is that her parents are very small-c conservative – they are very firm on holding to long-running family traditions and ideas of what is or isn’t “appropriate” for people. They are big believers in conservative dress and careers and maintaining a very top down, Father-Knows-Best style patriarchal family dynamic. I, on the other hand, come from a family of aged out punks, former hippies and I-Remember-When-Burning-Man-Hadn’t-Sold-Out bohemians. While I can clean up nicely and I’ve got a degree and a steady job in a creative industry with a health salary, I’ve still got more Joe Strummer in my DNA than Joe Kennedy.  Janet was a private Catholic school and church girl, I was a high-school troublemaker, insert joke about opposites attracting/skater boy lyrics here. 

When their precious little girl brought home a guy with tattoos and piercings, who is most comfortable in a t-shirt and jeans and Docs instead of Brooks Brothers shirts, pleated slacks and loafers, there were some gritted teeth and forced smiles. They clearly thought their daughter was having a rebellious phase and hoped that they could wait things out.

(I feel like I should point out that Janet was 26 and considering a graduate degree when we met.)

Obviously, that didn’t happen. Now it seems as though they’re hoping to actively interfere in our relationship with a goal towards changing her mind. This is where it gets strange.

When it was becoming very clear that we were serious, and I was getting ready to propose, her father pulled me aside towards the end of a family visit. He told me that while his daughter could make her own decisions, he would not give me neither his permission nor his blessing to ask for her hand in marriage. Yes, he actually used the word “permission”.  According to him, I was not a good match for his daughter, and he didn’t want to see her “wasting her potential”. I told him that this was fine, I hadn’t been intending to ask his permission, seeing as it was 2025 and not the 1950s and Janet was her own woman who could make up her own mind.

Since then, both her father and her mother have been making comments to her about not “rushing into things”, “thinking about her future” and about whether certain careers (such as, say, mine) could actually support a family. Janet, now officially my fiancé, pointed out that between her salary and mine, we have a very comfortable income that easily supports our chosen lifestyle, and we’ve even saved quite a nice nest egg in our savings account for our future house and family. This doesn’t seem to have made a difference. 

They have also apparently been making a point to bring up “Brad”, a guy that Janet knew in high-school and college and how well he’s been doing lately. Brad is the son of one of her father’s friends, and according to Janet, her father had always hoped that she and Brad were going to get together some day. In fact, he had never really stopped trying to set them up, even after we started dating. Brad, in contrast to me, regularly wears suits and ties, quarter zips and khakis when he’s feeling casual and spicy. Unlike my “not serious, not ‘real’” job, Brad is in finance, on the glide path to joining the c-suite at his company and, also according to Janet, about as interesting as an empty beige wall and half as exciting.

Where things are getting weird and frankly uncomfortable is the fact we’re going to be spending the holidays with her family as per one of their unbreakable traditions, only we have just been informed that, in a stunning coincidence, Brad will be joining us. His family is out of the country while he had to stay behind for work and according to Janet’s father, it would be a shame for him to be alone for the holidays.

I don’t think I’m being excessively unreasonable to see this as a setup. I don’t have any worry about this actually working like he hopes, but I DO worry about the precedent this is setting for our future relationship. This feels like an escalation, and I can’t help but think that if this doesn’t get nipped in the bud, it’s only going to get worse. It’s very genteel boundary pushing now, but I don’t think I’m wrong to expect that there will be more, and possibly less genteel pushes and interference down the line. They’re already making noises about not being at the wedding, pointed questions about who’s going to pay for it all, and about limits on Janet’s ‘future when he’s gone’. 

(We both feel that these are series of veiled financial threats. This is not out of character for her father. He long used  money as a means of control, such as leveraging his paying for school and first apartment as getting a say over her education, university attendance and choice of majors.)

Neither of us are worried about the money. As I said, we’ve got a comfortable living and good savings. However, the behavior is bothersome and I don’t know how to handle this without an actual confrontation with her father, which Janet also wants to avoid. Janet strongly wants me to have a good relationship with her family, and that means it’s important to me. How do I deal with future in-laws who not only don’t like me, but seem to be set on actively bent on sabotaging our engagement? 

Planet Schmanet, Janet  

DEAR PLANET SCHMANET, JANET: There are times when I get letters that seem implausible enough that I feel like possibly investing some time into trying to track down which Hallmark Christmas movie or mid-tier shoujo romance manga they come from, just for the challenge. And then I remember that I’ve got deadlines and my hyperfocus would just lead to reading far too many Wikipedia and TVTropes pages, so better to just roll with it as though it were real.

(In fact, I’m somewhat tempted to throw open the doors and make a challenge for 2026: send me your best Ask Dr. NerdLove letter based on fictional characters from movies, tv, games or comics and let’s see what happens.)

As per usual, I want to give my standard disclaimer about fake letters: I’m not terribly bothered by someone slipping a creative writing exercise past my filters and bullshit detector as long as there’s actually something useful to be learned. After all, all letters to an advice column are functionally fictional to everyone but the LW. And in this case, I think there is a useful lesson to be had from this.

In this case, PSJ, the lesson is this: this isn’t your fight to pick, and doing so is going to cause more problems than it’s worth. If you want to respect Janet’s wishes to have a healthy relationship with your in-laws, that is.

Now, that doesn’t mean that they’re not doing anything wrong here. I would agree that your future in-laws’ behavior is weirdly retrograde, boundary-pushing, and frankly, head-scratchingly passive-aggressive. It sounds to me like your future father-in-law has never fully accepted that a) he has a grown-ass adult for a daughter with her own life and free will, and b) that he doesn’t live in some weird John Hughes or Joel Schumacher movie. Which is especially sad because at least the rich asshole bullies and villains are interesting.  

(Plus, it would lead to wacky Wedding-Crashers/Meet-The-Parents-esque shenanigans that would make for a memorable holiday visit instead of trying to quietly drink away the second-hand embarrassment at watching all this sub-par manipulation go down. Hope the wine’s good enough to make up for it. Although if he invites you to try his special vintage of Amontillado, I recommend you decline. Politely.)

He also, apparently, managed to raise a child to adulthood without ever learning the lesson that obvious parental disapproval has a tendency to make the forbidden fruit all the more tempting. I mean, shit, even The Fantasticks knew how to lead with that one.

You are correct: you don’t need his blessing or his approval. It’s nice to have, and it makes the future relationship a little less contentious. However, seeing as how women’ve had the right to vote, own property and manage their own finances for the last 3/4s of a century, it’s hardly necessary.

I’m also somewhat surprised by the implied-if-apparently-impotent threats of financial coercion. Sure, writing them out of the will is a tried-and-true way of keeping failsons and daughters in line, but seeing as Janet has her own career and bank account entirely separate from them, I’m not sure what the point would be. Maybe the estate she would inherit would mean wealth beyond dreams of avarice, but it hardly sounds like meaningful leverage to threaten it when she’s handling her own bills. Maybe it’s because he thinks you’re a filthy gold digger trying to woo his daughter in order to abscond with her money?

Dunno, I’m running out of hackneyed plots at this point.

The point is though: he may be your future father-in-law, but he’s not your father and getting in his face about this isn’t going to have the effect you might hope. About the only thing it will do is confirm that you’re some greaser thug from the wrong side of the tracks and cause him to dig in his heels even further. To be less colorful but still perfectly blunt about it: you have no leverage here to work with. You don’t have the sort of relationship where your disapproval would make a meaningful difference, nor do you have any sort of moral authority or influence to back up or enforce the consequences in a way that would be meaningful.

You know who does, however? Janet.  Your fiancé. His daughter. You know: the one he seems to be ignoring and treating like furniture while having these man-to-man discussions with you (and, I guess, Brad). Frankly, I’m a little surprised Janet isn’t the one getting in his face over this, seeing as she’s being disrespected even more than you are. Now, maybe it’s the case that she feels like this is just the family dynamic and expects it to blow over. Families have their quirks, and a lifetime of enduring passive-aggressive manipulative bullshit shows up in all sorts of ways. But the fact of the matter is that you are correct: habitual line-steppers tend to keep line-stepping until someone makes them stop.

I don’t know if your future family is seriously (or fictionally) trying to sabotage things or not, but this sort of interference isn’t going to stop. While they may not try to honey-pot you into a divorce or persuade your fiancé to dump you for a Man In Finance, the odds of them being intrusive grandparents who undermine your authority with your future children or interfere with their upbringing is pretty damn high. Father may not actually know best, but Grandpa seems like the kind of person who’s going to try to assert his will through the grandkids as proxies in his weird-ass dominance and control games.

You and Janet need to have a talk about her family’s behavior, and then she needs to have a very pointed talk with daddy dearest. He doesn’t need to approve or bless the marriage, but he sure as hell needs to accept it and to stop trying to interfere – now and in the future. And while he may think that he has a financial lever to hold over Janet’s future, she has a far more potent one: her presence in their lives. Her disapproval weighs a hell of a lot more than yours does and has much more impact than throwing threats of disinheritance around.

If she’s as uncomfortable with her folks’ behavior as you are, then she needs to take point on this and make it clear that the bullshit has to stop. She may have grown up with it, but the key word here is “grown up”. As in: she is one, and they need to act like it. It’s one thing to tolerate it when one’s folks have actual control and authority over you. It’s another entirely to continue tolerating it when you’re a full-ass adult and their levers of power have been disconnected by her having her own life and finances.

If they’re going to play stupid games like this, they get to win stupid prizes, and those prizes include “spending the holidays with her husband’s family”, “breaking family traditions” and “not having a relationship with their grandchildren.”

Not to mention, there’ll be no wacky sequels where they have to adjust to meeting your punk/boho family and your mother-in-law drinks magic mushroom tea by accident and trips balls while your father-in-law tries to wrap his head around the concept of tofurkey or doing a Three Wise Men with your punk uncle.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: My ex-girlfriend is confusing me and I don’t know what to do about it. We broke up six months ago when her grandmother died suddenly and she told me that she realized that she didn’t want to be in a relationship. I was heartbroken, because I was madly in love, but I respected her decision. I went no contact for a while because it hurt too much to even see her name in my texts, and I thought I had moved on.

A few weeks ago, she contacted me and asked if we could give things another try. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was and so I said yes immediately. But since then, things have felt strained to me. We had a date shortly after she asked me that ended with us kissing like teenagers in the back seat of my car. I thought we were back together and I was incredibly happy. But now everything feels weird. 

When we get together, it feels like talking to a stranger, where conversation topics run dry or we keep having uncomfortable silences. I reach out to touch her and I don’t get much of a response. She doesn’t get tense or push me away and she will often touch me back but it feels like she feels like she should rather than she wants to. And we definitely haven’t been physical like we had been after that first date. We’ve had a kiss good night, but it’s been a quick kiss on the lips, that’s it.

I don’t understand what’s happening. She asked me if we could try again, but it feels like I’m the only one who thinks we’re dating. Am I doing something wrong? Did I move too fast? What’s going on? Please help, I am so confused right now.

Strike Two?

DEAR STRIKE TWO: Ooof. I have been there more than I care to think about, ST, so I feel you. There’s something uniquely uncomfortable when you think your relationship is going one way, but all evidence suggests that not only is it the opposite, but it may not be a relationship at all.

But I think I know what’s going on here, and it stems from your first break up.

Here’s the thing: when there’s a momentous or sudden change in our lives, it has a tendency to make us take stock. A death, particularly the death of someone we were close to is the ultimate change, and one that really prompts us to take a long, hard look at our lives. It forces us to confront our own mortality, which brings up a lot of questions: is this the life I want to be leading? Am I actually living my life, or have I just been going on autopilot? Am I even happy with how things are now?

It’s not surprising, really, that after losing a family member, someone will take stock and decide that maybe they need to make some changes. A lot of times, it prompts people to finally pull the trigger on things that had been lingering in the back of their head; the loss brought a sort of clarity that they hadn’t had before, bringing a greater sense of urgency. Don’t wait any longer, you never know what might happen.

But that clarity doesn’t always stay clear, especially as time goes by. Sometimes that loss prompts us to make changes for the sake of change; we just want things to be different, and we don’t think about what that might mean or look like or feel like. And if one of the changes you made was to end a relationship… well, it’s not unusual to ask yourself whether that was a good idea or not.

The problem is, though, that questioning whether something was a mistake doesn’t mean that it was… particularly with break ups. One of the questions I ask when people ask me whether they should try to get back with their ex is: do you miss them? Or do you miss what they represent? This is important, because often what we miss isn’t necessarily the person, but routine. Familiarity. There’s a comfort in the known and the familiar, and it’s easy to fall back into old patterns and habits, simply because they’re the known. Our brains, after all, don’t like change, and will often resist it – sometimes even to the point of what’s known as an ‘extinction burst’, a last-minute sudden and nigh-irresistible desire for the thing that we no longer have. And so… we go back.

And at first, maybe it feels right. Our brains flood us with dopamine and oxytocin again because we’re not trying to force it out of the groove we’ve carved. It’s the comfort of the known, the golden haze of nostalgia. The problem is, though, that this doesn’t change why we broke up in the first place. Those issues are often still there. So, what feels right at first… doesn’t feel so “right” a little later on. Sometimes it even starts to feel weird or uncomfortable, because of that conflict between the comfort of the known and why you broke up. And while you may not necessarily realize it when it’s happening, that conflict tends to show up in ways you feel and behave.

As much as I hate to say it, I think your girlfriend asked to give things another try because of that feeling of missing the routine. I think that the tension, distance and awkwardness you’re feeling is the result of her starting to realize that getting back together wasn’t what she wanted after all. And, again, I hate to be the one to say this but… I think she’s not sure how to tell you that she thinks this was a mistake.

To be clear: I don’t think she’s doing this intentionally. I think she sincerely thought that this is what she wanted. I suspect that part of the reason for the tension is that she feels torn between being honest with you and not wanting to hurt you again. And while that’s an understandable, even laudable desire, I think it’s ultimately causing more harm than good.

I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I that I have to say it: I think you need to be the one to rip off this particular bandage. It’s going to hurt like seven forms of hell, but I think the best thing you can do – for yourself, as much as for her – is to be the one to say “this isn’t working.” Not “what’s going on?”, not “are we ok?” or discussing why things feel tense between you, but to say “this clearly isn’t what either of us want.”

And it’s really not. She doesn’t seem to want to be in this relationship and you don’t want to feel this distance and tension with someone you care about. Letting this continue isn’t fair to either of you; you’re feeling hurt by the distance and separation and she likely feels horrible about how being the reason why you’re hurting. And I suspect she feels more than a little stuck, too.

This is why I think the kindest thing you can do – for yourself as much as for her – is to be the one to end it. It doesn’t need to be a big production. Just tell her that this clearly isn’t working. As much as you want this to work, you don’t want to be with someone who isn’t ready or excited to be there with you, and it’s better for both of you if you stop now before it gets any harder. 

I don’t recommend saying “we can still be friends” or making any promises or statements about the future. Right now, I don’t think either of you are in a place where it makes sense to do so, and I think you’d both feel an urge to try to force a relationship, instead of allowing a new one to grow… if one does. So, keep it short, simple and fast. The clean break is a lot of immediate pain in the moment, but it ultimately hurts the least and heals the fastest.

There may be a time in the future when the two of you can circle back around – when you both have had time to get distance, to grow and change and know what you both want and need. But that’s the future. For now, I think the best thing you can do for yourself and for her is to draw the curtain on this relationship.

Take some time to feel the f--k out of your feels afterwards. You’re having to say goodbye to this relationship twice, and that makes it almost four times as rough. It absolutely sucks and I’m so sorry you’re going through it. But I’m someone who’s been there and done that – many times – and I can tell you from experience: you will recover. It’s going to hurt, and it’ll hurt a lot I’m sure, but you will feel better, and likely sooner than you think. It’s a little like finally removing a splinter that’s been dug in deep; the pain of extracting it is huge, but it will allow you to finally heal fully.

I know how bad it feels, and I know you won’t believe me but: this too, shall pass. It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.

You’ll be ok.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I have an unusual situation that I could use your help with. I (32/F) work for a fairly large company on the west coast in what can only be described as a “high-chaos” environment. There’s always fires to be put out, there’re rapidly changing events that we have to respond to quickly and there’s no such thing as a “normal” week. It’s not a job for most people and the level of burnout and turnover is high. There is a small core of us who’ve lasted longer than the average year and a half, and we’re all very close. I love it.

My question revolves around my friend “Jake” (36/M), who’s one of us veterans. Jake stands out in part because of his very stoic personality. He’s very measured, has a daily routine that he rarely deviates from, and he’s the most reliable guy on site. Many of us suspect that he’s somewhere on the autism/neurodivergent spectrum. He’s one of my closest friends and I adore him. In a lot of ways, he’s like a rock, an island of solid, almost placid stability in a sea of chaos.

Last year, at the company holiday party, after far too many drinks, it came out that Jake had feelings for me, but didn’t feel like it was his place to do anything about it. I was freshly single at the time and some of our co-workers took it upon themselves to play matchmaker and pushed him to make a move to tell me.  It was embarrassing for both of us for him to be put on the spotlight like that, as well as incredibly inappropriate and we both said so. Afterwards, I asked him if it was true and he said that it was, but he hadn’t intendeds to say anything about it. Now, however, the secret was out and it was hanging there between us. 

The problem is that I had quite literally broken up with my boyfriend at the time two days before. There was no great drama or conflict, it was just at a period when a lot of things were up in the air and we didn’t see us having a future going forward. I had enough going on in my life that I was juggling and didn’t have any time or energy to even think about dating again, certainly not so immediately after my break up, and I said so to Jake. Jake said that he understood and that was why he hadn’t wanted to say anything about it; he knew I was stressed above and beyond our usual state and didn’t want to make things weird or awkward between us. I told him how much I appreciated his care and thoughtfulness and said that we could talk about this later, once things have calmed down. 

Well, it’s been nearly a year and, in that time, I’ve come to realize that I may like Jake as more than a friend, and I would be willing to see where things go. I don’t know if there’s enough there to make a relationship work between us, but I’d like to try. The only thing that is stopping me is that I don’t know how Jake feels. Nothing about his behavior has changed with me and he’s never brought up that conversation or given me a sign that he wants to revisit the topic. I don’t know if this means that he’s moved on, if his feelings have faded, or if he’s still interested. I will also admit that I’m more than a little nervous that if I ask him, it’ll make things weird, especially since some of our friends have made it clear that they’re still cheering for us to get together. 

What do I do? Is there some way that I can say “is there any chance that you still have feelings for me? Because I’d like to do something about those if you do.” 

What is the right move to make here? 

Are You Still There, Caller? 

DEAR ARE YOU STILL THERE, CALLER: I think you’re overthinking things, AYSTC, and it’s making you hesitate when you don’t really need to.

I won’t lie: I always find it a little off-putting when people get overly invested in other folks’ relationships. It’s one thing to ship a couple of fictional characters – it’s a time-honored tradition since before the days of the OG Star Trek fandom. But rooting for real people to hook up the way that they would for Mulder and Scully or Imogen and Laudna… that always strikes me as intrusive and a little creepy. So, I’m not surprised that you and Jake have both been worried about making things weird. I just think the weirdness that you’re both worried about is misplaced.

From the sounds of things, it seems like you and Jake are pretty well-adjusted, grown-ass adults. Jake may or may not be on the spectrum, but he seems at the very least to be able to read the room and – if not keep his feelings in check – at least compartmentalize in such a way that they’re not getting in the way of your friendship. You, likewise, seem to be used to keeping a level head and focusing on what matters. That, to me, suggests that you’re both capable of handling this like a pair of adults instead of a couple of hormone-addled high-schoolers who are neck-deep in confusion and drama.

While the fear of making things weird is understandable, the “weirdness” tends to be less about any inherent conflict between friendship and romantic or sexual attraction and more about feeling uncertain about whether this changes the status quo for you. People, as a general rule, don’t do well with uncertainty; being stuck in that quantum state where everything is the same as it was and one or both of you feel like things are profoundly different at the same time is incredibly uncomfortable. It has a tendency to play to that sense of “I know something is wrong, but I don’t know what, why or to what degree, and so I don’t know how to handle it”, which leaves people feeling unsettled.

This, incidentally, is one of the reasons why I’m an advocate for using your words and asking for clarity when you’re unsure about a situation. Yes, collapsing the waveform like that runs the risk of your finding out that your crush doesn’t like you back or what-have-you, but even a negative response at least brings certainty. Yeah, it may not be the outcome you were hoping for, but at least you now can move forward and deal with it, instead of being stuck in emotional limbo, when things could be so much better but also so much worse.

The fear, though, comes from the idea that one of you wouldn’t be able to continue the friendship because of this confession and frankly, I don’t think that’s as much of a problem as people tend to think. Most of the time, the awkwardness comes from one person or the other not being able to handle the disappointment of their feelings not being returned and letting that get in the way of the friendship. It’s understandable �– sometimes the pain is too much, and that’s fair – but I think people tend to create awkwardness because they expect awkwardness. Yes, there may be a period of adjustment alongside some grief and disappointment, but I think that this isn’t nearly as dire when there’s a solid foundation of friendship already. Especially when you’ve both already had to deal with emotionally fraught or stressful situations and came through the other side still friends.

All of which is to say: I think that you don’t need to worry about things changing between you for the worse. That’s not to say that things won’t change, but things are always changing. That’s the nature of living beings in linear time – relationships are always changing, because people are always changing. But seeing as the two of you are close and both of you seem fairly level headed, I suspect that you could both resolve to power through any initial awkwardness before getting back to your friendship.

But as for whether Jake’s feelings have changed… I couldn’t tell you. Yeah, he’s not giving you any overt signs one way or the other, but it sounds like he plays things close to the vest with everyone. Similarly, it sounds to me like he made it clear that he was respecting your space and your feelings in the aftermath of your break up. He hadn’t said anything before because he didn’t feel like it was his place, and that may well be how he feels now. And honestly, if he is on the autism spectrum, he may have taken “we’ll discuss this at a later time” a little more literally than you intended and is waiting for you to say when “later” is. There’s every chance that he doesn’t want to jump the gun if you’re not ready to talk, and he doesn’t want to inadvertently pressure you.

Is it possible that he’s moved on? Of course. It’s even possible he’s been seeing someone else. If he’s an intensely private person, he may well just never bring it up, simply because… well, because. But this is a time when I think “no news” really is just no news. If there’s been no change in how he behaves with you, then it’s certainly possible that there hasn’t been a change in how he feels.

I couldn’t tell you how he feels. You know who could? Jake.

I think you’re more worried about being turned down than you are about making things weird, and that’s why you’re trying to find the ‘right’ way to bring this up. That, I think, is the mistake. There is no ‘right’ way that’s going to make things less awkward – because talking about feelings can often be awkward – or to minimize the odds of rejection or the pain and disappointment if that’s how it turns out. But I think not knowing, one way or the other, is worse.

Just be direct and straightforward about it. I suspect that Jake would prefer it that way.

My suggestion? I think you should pull him aside and say “hey, is now a good time to talk about us?” Then, if he says “yes”, just ask. Don’t dance around the topic or hedge things in euphemisms or caution. Say “Do you still have feelings for me? Because I think I like you too and I think we should make out about it,” and see what happens.

I think the odds are good that you’d like what he has to say.  

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com