DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but there is one problem:  His ex. They have a six-year-old daughter together and I adore her. His daughter lives with us because his ex is crazy and has a drug problem. But that’s not actually my issue. My issue is the way his ex treats me. I’m very loving with his daughter and we have a lot of fun together, but his ex is constantly berating me in front of her. I think she’s jealous of the fact that his daughter prefers me over her. We have been together for three years and I know our relationship is heading towards marriage. So what should I do? I can’t marry him if his ex is a destructive force in my life, but I also love him and his daughter and don’t want to break it off.  I can’t go on like this. She is in my face at least once a week about the situation and it has got to stop. She lost custody two years ago because of her drug problem and she won’t seek help. My boyfriend has washed his hands of her, but he also doesn’t “get involved” when she attacks me. Any suggestions? —SHE’S RUINING EVERYTHING

DEAR SHE’S RUINING EVERYTHING: Sounds as though your boyfriend is trying to remain neutral in this situation. In some cases, I might agree with that position, but I don’t think it is working in this case. The fact that you are loving to his child and that you are willing to stand by him even with all the drama that his ex has brought into your life is very admirable. He needs to recognize and respect that. But I did take note that you referred to her as “crazy” and as a “drug addict.” I would think about how you may be approaching her with judgment instead of compassion. If she is experiencing addiction and mental health issues, those could be reasons for her combativeness. She may feel as though you are trying to take her place in her daughter’s life and that could make her feel defensive or insecure. Instead of being hostile with her, try to empathize how difficult things may be right now in her world. If you can treat her with dignity and respect, see how that may change the energy and dynamic. If nothing else, it may just make it easier for you to be around her knowing what is at the root of all of this. As for your boyfriend, if he balks at the thought of standing up for you, that’s problematic. This woman is going to be in his life. Period. She is the mother of his child. But, you have options. You can either stay and put up with this and hope that it simmers down with time, or you can walk away. If things are going to progress with him over time, he needs to be on your side and realize what a challenging position you are in. If you are able to take a step back so that you don’t interact with his ex as much if at all, that may also help to turn down the heat on this situation. I would talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. At the end of the day, this is just as much his problem as it is yours. The only way through will be together. If he can’t get onboard with that, then you have to decide if you are willing to stick by someone who won’t stick up for you. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been dating a guy for about two years now and it has gotten pretty serious. We recently moved in together right before COVID-19 hit and I am hoping this will lead to an engagement. We are both almost 30, and I want to start a family sooner than later. However, he recently told me that he “doesn’t believe in marriage,” and we ended up getting into a big argument about it. What do I do? —HARD CHOICE

DEAR HARD CHOICE: He may not believe in marriage for a myriad of reasons but that doesn’t mean that you don’t. If marriage is something that is a non-negotiable for you, then you may need to rethink this relationship. You either accept that he isn’t going to propose and deal with it, or you have to cut him loose and find a man who has the same set of values as you do. If you try to force him into marriage with ultimatums, he may end up resenting you. If you try to appease him, you may end up resenting him. You are young. You still have plenty of time to find the right fit and have the family that you want. In fact, maybe if you do explain the importance of why you want to marry, who knows? He may see things your way. Whatever happens, just follow your instincts and don’t settle.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend caught me snooping. We just started dating exclusively a few months ago, and I wanted to see if he really had stopped seeing other women. I’ve dated cheaters in the past and didn’t want to fall into old patterns. Recently while he was showering, I grabbed his cell phone and started thumbing through his texts. He came out while I was mid-snoop and got really upset with me. There was no way of lying my way out of it, so I admitted that I was checking his phone for other women. He seemed really hurt. He isn’t chatting any other women up, by the way, which only made it worse. Now he feels as though he can’t trust me. Not only that, but his cell phone is glued to his body which makes me feel like a bigger jerk. What do I do?— SNOOPY

DEAR SNOOPY: This is the classic “I have had bad things happen to me in the past so I’ll project that onto my present even if there’s no evidence to support that” situation. You took your fears and concerns from other relationships--which were legitimate--and have made your current lover pay for the sins of those in your past. You can’t get anywhere this way. I would start with apologizing. Then, explain to him what you just told me. You are scared. You are scared of being hurt, of being cheated on, of being lied to. You are afraid of putting your heart out there just for it to be trampled on. See what he says. My guess is that it will open the door to have a real and meaningful conversation around boundaries. What does “cheating” mean to you? What does it mean to him? Finding out where you stand early on in the relationship can help alleviate confusion down the road.  You want to trust your partner.  You just need time and it will take both of you working together to build that foundation. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my father to a chronic illness he had been suffering with for many years. While he and my mother had a tempestuous relationship at times, they always seemed very much in love and were married for almost thirty years. Well, my mom has already started dating again, and it hasn’t even been a year since my Dad’s death. When I told her that I thought it was kind of ridiculous that she would jump back into the dating pool so soon, she got really angry with me and said that I should mind my own business. Well, let’s just say that was two weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since. Where do we go from here?— STRAINED LOYALTY

DEAR STRAINED LOYALTY: I’m so sorry to hear that your Dad died. Losing a parent can be incredibly difficult. While I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship with either of your parents, it isn’t unusual for you to feel very protective of your father’s memory. I can completely understand how you may feel as though your mother is moving on too soon. But you never really know what a marriage is like unless you are in it. Some people move on quickly because they had a great marriage and want to recreate that experience. Others move on because they feel unburdened. Some never move on with a new partner or they may feel content alone. Everyone’s reasoning is different for how and when they decide to move forward after the death of a spouse. So perhaps over the years, due to your father’s illness or other intruding factors, the relationship began to change and shift course. Maybe your mother took on more of a caretaker role during the last years of your father’s life. I’m just speculating, of course, but try and see where she is coming from. You have to open the lines of communication with your mother. This means you may have to be the one to apologize first. This argument isn’t worth sacrificing your relationship over. Let her know that you didn’t mean to upset her and that you shouldn’t have gotten involved in her love life. However, explain that it did hurt you that she seemed to have moved on so quickly. Let her open up to you and share the reasoning behind it. Be compassionate in how you respond and truly listen to her. People grieve in their own ways and in their own time.

Coming to a place of understanding may prove to be difficult, but it will be worth it if it means salvaging the relationship with your mother. You may be seeing your mother in a different light now. Not as just “Mom” but as a woman with her own desires, needs and wants. It can be jarring to realize that our parents are just people doing their best with what they have. It may be hard for you to look at your Mom without your Dad, but try to remember that at the end of the day, she is a woman who is still here and has to keep on living. Be supportive, be loving and stay connected to her.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My husband told me that he is no longer in love with me. He has been seeing someone else. This whole time I thought he was going to “work” during this Covid-19 nightmare, he was actually spending time with her. His job had laid him off weeks ago and he didn’t even tell me. We’ve been married for four years and while things haven’t always been easy, I had no idea he was doing this to me. What really hurts is that he was exposing himself, myself and our young son to Covid because of this. I am devastated and don’t know what to do. I still love him and want to figure this out. He just said that I am “boring” and that this new girlfriend is “more fun.” The affair started just a few months ago. They met on Instagram. I feel so betrayed and hurt. My religious upbringing also weighs on me because divorce really isn’t an option, but he wants one. What should I do? How can I ever trust anyone ever again? — BROKEN

DEAR BROKEN: There is so much to unpack here. A betrayal of the heart is one of the worst pains to go through, and during such an incredibly uncertain time in our history, I’m sure it weighs on you heavily for many reasons. Unfortunately, if your husband has no interest in working through this, I don’t know what other option you have other than a divorce. While you mentioned that your religious community frowns on divorce, they aren’t walking in your shoes. Why should you have to suffer when you can start fresh? This is 2020 and you don’t have to stay in an unhappy marriage for anyone. The fact that he lied to you about losing his job to spend time with this other person is also just deeply disturbing to me.  I would start exploring your legal options with a divorce attorney. I would also tell him that he needs to find somewhere else to live during this time. We have no idea how careful his new partner is being while out in the community, and we have no idea who the two of them have also been around during this time. Amidst all of this stress and sadness, I hope you can take a moment to yourself to reflect on what it is you want moving forward. Of course you feel betrayed. Of course you feel as though you can’t trust again. These are totally normal reactions to what has happened. I would take this time to reevaluate what you want moving forward. When you are ready, therapy may help you put the pieces back together as you find a new normal. I know it’s hard to hear, but letting him go may be the best thing that could happen to you. Maybe he did you a favor. Who wants to be with someone so callous, cold and selfish, anyway? Find support around you and move forward with your head high. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am a single father and recently met someone online that I really like. She is also a single mother and our daughters are around the same age. Hers is 13, mine is 11. She’s been really wanting to have the girls get together. My daughter has a lot of anxiety right now, and the idea of being around someone she doesn’t know is making her more anxious because of Covid-19. My ex-wife doesn’t want her to be exposed to any new kids, either, but my girlfriend thinks it is time they meet. What do you think? With school starting up again--theoretically--in a few weeks, I really don’t see what it matters if she meets one more kid. Plus, we are all taking precautions. Thoughts? — COVID ANXIETIES AND DATING

DEAR COVID ANXIETIES AND DATING: Take things slowly. You said that you “recently met” someone online. Why do your kids need to meet yet, anyway? Even in “normal” circumstances, I always encourage people with children to take their time introducing them to new partners. Kids get attached. They watch every move you make when it comes to relationships and they internalize the good, the bad and everything in between. It seems to me that your new girlfriend is trying to rush the timeline. Maybe she is expecting you to commit quickly to her. Listen to the person that this will impact the most: Your daughter. She has already voiced her hesitation. Why put more anxiety on her than you need to at this point? Let her decide the pace and support her sense of personal agency to make decisions that impact her own body. She doesn’t owe your girlfriend anything. When she feels ready, and if your relationship is on solid ground, then make an introduction. It is also important that you take your ex-wife’s opinion on this matter seriously, too. This impacts your whole family and with Covid-19 rippling through communities, it is so wrong to err on the side of caution?

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci