DEAR NATALIE: So this is awkward. I recently broke off my engagement with my live-in boyfriend of five years. Our lease isn’t up for another six months and because of Covid-19, neither of us are really able to “couch hop” right now. I can’t afford to move out, either, because I lost my job and he was supporting us both because of the pandemic. I broke it off because he’s very critical of me. In the heat of the moment, I just blurted out, “I want out!” He doesn’t think I’m serious, but I am. What do I do? How do I get out of this mess? I’m also dealing with the fact that he’s acting like the victim here. Any ideas? —NO WAY OUT

DEAR NO WAY OUT: Emotions are running high as some people find themselves in close quarters, spending too much time together. I don’t think you are alone in recognizing that your relationship isn’t going to go the distance. Now the question remains: Is there anyone you can turn to for support? Do you have any family around you that you are comfortable reaching out to? I know you said that you don’t want to couch hop, but is there any way that you could at least spend part of the week with someone that you trust just to ease the tension? I don’t know how big your space is that you are sharing, but can you put a cot or a mattress in another room to sleep in to give yourself some physical distance? This is not a long-term strategy, but just something to consider until you can find a more permanent solution. Because of the ripple effect that Covid-19 has had, it has exposed a lot of inequities in our communities, including housing insecurity as well as employment insecurity. The fact that you don’t have any options speaks to the failings of these systems and how quickly people can fall into a bad place due to a lack of resources. Try not to be too hard on yourself. Until you are able to find a new space, I would talk to him as calmly as possible. “I know this isn’t an ideal situation now that we have broken up. I know we are both hurting. But until one of us can afford to leave, we are stuck here together. How do you think we can work together to make the best of this?” Maybe that means creating a list of boundaries that you can agree on. Maybe it means spending time apart as much as you can. Maybe it means really talking through the issues that you have. Perhaps this relationship is salvageable if you have time to share what is in your hearts. If you find that this just isn’t going to work and you feel threatened in any way, reach out to a social worker in your area that can help you find housing resources if any are available. 

DEAR NATALIE: Because of Covid-19, my youngest brother and his fiancé decided to elope last weekend. They are going to have a very small reception soon and then a larger reception when all of this is “over.” I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate to give a gift now or wait until the larger gathering, which would most likely be next year. What do you think? —SAY YES TO THE GIFTS

DEAR SAY YES TO THE GIFTS: I definitely think it is appropriate to bring a gift to the smaller party. Considering you don’t even know when the larger event will be, you don’t want to show up empty-handed to the get-together that you’ve been invited to...especially as his brother. You can always bring them a really great bottle of champagne and a card with money/check/gift card to a place you know they can utilize during a pandemic, like a home improvement store. This is the year of practicality and restraint when it comes to gifts. The bottle of bubbles says, “Let’s party!” but the responsible gift says, “It’s 2020, let’s build a safe room!” Overall, you can’t go wrong. Then, when and if they end up having a big reception, you can get them something more personalized, like a photo album of their experiences together. Get creative with that idea and make it a gift from the heart.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have a great relationship, but there is one problem:  His ex. They have a six-year-old daughter together and I adore her. His daughter lives with us because his ex is crazy and has a drug problem. But that’s not actually my issue. My issue is the way his ex treats me. I’m very loving with his daughter and we have a lot of fun together, but his ex is constantly berating me in front of her. I think she’s jealous of the fact that his daughter prefers me over her. We have been together for three years and I know our relationship is heading towards marriage. So what should I do? I can’t marry him if his ex is a destructive force in my life, but I also love him and his daughter and don’t want to break it off.  I can’t go on like this. She is in my face at least once a week about the situation and it has got to stop. She lost custody two years ago because of her drug problem and she won’t seek help. My boyfriend has washed his hands of her, but he also doesn’t “get involved” when she attacks me. Any suggestions? —SHE’S RUINING EVERYTHING

DEAR SHE’S RUINING EVERYTHING: Sounds as though your boyfriend is trying to remain neutral in this situation. In some cases, I might agree with that position, but I don’t think it is working in this case. The fact that you are loving to his child and that you are willing to stand by him even with all the drama that his ex has brought into your life is very admirable. He needs to recognize and respect that. But I did take note that you referred to her as “crazy” and as a “drug addict.” I would think about how you may be approaching her with judgment instead of compassion. If she is experiencing addiction and mental health issues, those could be reasons for her combativeness. She may feel as though you are trying to take her place in her daughter’s life and that could make her feel defensive or insecure. Instead of being hostile with her, try to empathize how difficult things may be right now in her world. If you can treat her with dignity and respect, see how that may change the energy and dynamic. If nothing else, it may just make it easier for you to be around her knowing what is at the root of all of this. As for your boyfriend, if he balks at the thought of standing up for you, that’s problematic. This woman is going to be in his life. Period. She is the mother of his child. But, you have options. You can either stay and put up with this and hope that it simmers down with time, or you can walk away. If things are going to progress with him over time, he needs to be on your side and realize what a challenging position you are in. If you are able to take a step back so that you don’t interact with his ex as much if at all, that may also help to turn down the heat on this situation. I would talk to him and tell him how you are feeling. At the end of the day, this is just as much his problem as it is yours. The only way through will be together. If he can’t get onboard with that, then you have to decide if you are willing to stick by someone who won’t stick up for you. 

DEAR NATALIE: I’ve been dating a guy for about two years now and it has gotten pretty serious. We recently moved in together right before COVID-19 hit and I am hoping this will lead to an engagement. We are both almost 30, and I want to start a family sooner than later. However, he recently told me that he “doesn’t believe in marriage,” and we ended up getting into a big argument about it. What do I do? —HARD CHOICE

DEAR HARD CHOICE: He may not believe in marriage for a myriad of reasons but that doesn’t mean that you don’t. If marriage is something that is a non-negotiable for you, then you may need to rethink this relationship. You either accept that he isn’t going to propose and deal with it, or you have to cut him loose and find a man who has the same set of values as you do. If you try to force him into marriage with ultimatums, he may end up resenting you. If you try to appease him, you may end up resenting him. You are young. You still have plenty of time to find the right fit and have the family that you want. In fact, maybe if you do explain the importance of why you want to marry, who knows? He may see things your way. Whatever happens, just follow your instincts and don’t settle.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend caught me snooping. We just started dating exclusively a few months ago, and I wanted to see if he really had stopped seeing other women. I’ve dated cheaters in the past and didn’t want to fall into old patterns. Recently while he was showering, I grabbed his cell phone and started thumbing through his texts. He came out while I was mid-snoop and got really upset with me. There was no way of lying my way out of it, so I admitted that I was checking his phone for other women. He seemed really hurt. He isn’t chatting any other women up, by the way, which only made it worse. Now he feels as though he can’t trust me. Not only that, but his cell phone is glued to his body which makes me feel like a bigger jerk. What do I do?— SNOOPY

DEAR SNOOPY: This is the classic “I have had bad things happen to me in the past so I’ll project that onto my present even if there’s no evidence to support that” situation. You took your fears and concerns from other relationships--which were legitimate--and have made your current lover pay for the sins of those in your past. You can’t get anywhere this way. I would start with apologizing. Then, explain to him what you just told me. You are scared. You are scared of being hurt, of being cheated on, of being lied to. You are afraid of putting your heart out there just for it to be trampled on. See what he says. My guess is that it will open the door to have a real and meaningful conversation around boundaries. What does “cheating” mean to you? What does it mean to him? Finding out where you stand early on in the relationship can help alleviate confusion down the road.  You want to trust your partner.  You just need time and it will take both of you working together to build that foundation. 

DEAR NATALIE: I recently lost my father to a chronic illness he had been suffering with for many years. While he and my mother had a tempestuous relationship at times, they always seemed very much in love and were married for almost thirty years. Well, my mom has already started dating again, and it hasn’t even been a year since my Dad’s death. When I told her that I thought it was kind of ridiculous that she would jump back into the dating pool so soon, she got really angry with me and said that I should mind my own business. Well, let’s just say that was two weeks ago and we haven’t spoken since. Where do we go from here?— STRAINED LOYALTY

DEAR STRAINED LOYALTY: I’m so sorry to hear that your Dad died. Losing a parent can be incredibly difficult. While I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship with either of your parents, it isn’t unusual for you to feel very protective of your father’s memory. I can completely understand how you may feel as though your mother is moving on too soon. But you never really know what a marriage is like unless you are in it. Some people move on quickly because they had a great marriage and want to recreate that experience. Others move on because they feel unburdened. Some never move on with a new partner or they may feel content alone. Everyone’s reasoning is different for how and when they decide to move forward after the death of a spouse. So perhaps over the years, due to your father’s illness or other intruding factors, the relationship began to change and shift course. Maybe your mother took on more of a caretaker role during the last years of your father’s life. I’m just speculating, of course, but try and see where she is coming from. You have to open the lines of communication with your mother. This means you may have to be the one to apologize first. This argument isn’t worth sacrificing your relationship over. Let her know that you didn’t mean to upset her and that you shouldn’t have gotten involved in her love life. However, explain that it did hurt you that she seemed to have moved on so quickly. Let her open up to you and share the reasoning behind it. Be compassionate in how you respond and truly listen to her. People grieve in their own ways and in their own time.

Coming to a place of understanding may prove to be difficult, but it will be worth it if it means salvaging the relationship with your mother. You may be seeing your mother in a different light now. Not as just “Mom” but as a woman with her own desires, needs and wants. It can be jarring to realize that our parents are just people doing their best with what they have. It may be hard for you to look at your Mom without your Dad, but try to remember that at the end of the day, she is a woman who is still here and has to keep on living. Be supportive, be loving and stay connected to her.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci