DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Our daughter moved out of our house right after she graduated college nearly three years ago. I had not been to her apartment for a quite a while, since she usually comes to our house to visit or we meet somewhere to eat or shop.

Two weeks ago she was out of town and asked me to pick up her mail. When I got it out of the mailbox and went to put it in the apartment for her, my heart dropped. I was able to open the door, but I couldn’t find the wall switch to turn on the light because there were so many magazines, books, and newspaper coupon flyers piled up by the front door. In the kitchen, the cabinets and drawers can’t close because there is so much stuff crammed into them. Her half-bath and walk-in closet are full of empty delivery boxes. I could go on, but I hate thinking about what I found.

When she returned home, I confronted her with what I saw and told her she is a hoarder. She went off on me, saying I have no business judging her and that she is certainly not a hoarder.

What do I do to convince her she needs to stop this dangerous behavior? --- MOTHER OF A HOARDER

DEAR MOTHER OF A HOARDER: Your daughter needs professional mental health help as soon as possible. People with hoarding tendencies can get worse as they age, and it sounds like she’s already in a bad situation. Since she’s in denial about her problem, it will take more than just her mom telling her this is not normal. Get some back-up from other family members and a friend or two. If she hears it enough, it might begin to click.

It may be a good idea for you to also seek professional guidance in how to help her. Her road to recovery will very likely be difficult, and having you in her corner could be a big help.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: In our house, I’m the one who pays the bills. My partner is pretty much clueless about what it costs to run this place. He takes 40-minute showers, leaves lights and electronics on everywhere, and keeps the thermostat up to the mid-seventies all winter long in our old house with oil heat. I’ve installed a timer thermostat, but he just pops it up to his ideal temperature and never turns it back down. Last month our oil bill was nearly $1800, which is way more than we can keep affording.

I’m tired of nagging. How do I convince this man he needs to be more aware of things not being free? --- SWEATING IT IN VERMONT

DEAR SWEATING IT IN VERMONT: Have you sat down with your partner and shared a breakdown of your income against your expenses? If he’s never been the budget-keeper, he may very well be unaware of what it costs to keep your home going. Get him involved, and together you can figure out ways to potentially cut, or at least better manage expenses.

You also might want to shop around a bit for oil companies. Prices can vary. And, to help make payments easier to take, see if your current provider offers a budgeting plan, enabling you to pay a consistent fee throughout the year instead of getting slammed in the cold weather months.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I am the stay-at-home mom with a three-year-old son and a nine-month-old daughter. My husband puts in long days between his job and his commute. When he gets home, I sometimes ask him to help me with the kids or dinner, and he gets all huffy and asks what I have been doing all day that I did not have time to get the kids taken care of and dinner made. The last time he pulled that line we had a huge yelling match that left me in tears and him mad for two days.

I get that he works hard and has a long day, but so do I. Why shouldn’t I expect him to pitch in when he gets home? --- TIRED LIKE HIM

DEAR TIRED LIKE HIM: If you two only share your feelings and needs when you’re having a fight, you both need to figure out how to communicate better ─ and fast. Without trying to understand where you’re each coming from, you’re never going to have the kind of partnership that both successful marriages and good parenting are based on.

Since home is where your husband comes to escape his job, he may have no idea what it’s like for you to never be away from yours. For both your sakes, start planning time out of the house ─ with your husband and without. If he has to hold down the fort for even an hour or two on a Saturday morning once in a while, he might get a better idea of how your days go, and you can have a little break. And, when you can, get a sitter and have a date day/night doing something you used to enjoy together before the kids came along. Maybe in neutral territory, you can more rationally discuss what you each expect from the other at this point in your lives.