DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Fifteen years ago, my husband officially left his first wife because he and I were in love. I never thought of myself as a “homewrecker”, especially since at the time, my husband and his ex-wife were separated, even though they were together a lot of the time for the sake of their children. It was a mostly amicable divorce, but to this day, his daughter, who was a teenager when her parents split, looks on me as the evil cause of her parents’ divorce. Their son is more accepting, and I have actually been on good terms with him and his wife since before they were married and moved out of state.

Each year since we’ve been married, the holidays become difficult because my stepdaughter goes out of her way to let me know I am not really part of the family. It still stings me, but it truly hurts my husband and can make our annual Christmas Eve family dinner a trial, rather than a pleasure.

My stepdaughter is now pregnant with her first child, and she claims she can’t be out late for our dinner, on doctor’s orders. So, for the first time her dad won’t get to see her for this special family event. She’ll spend, as she always does, Christmas Day with her mother and her stepfather, who she has absolutely no trouble with apparently, even though they too began dating before the divorce was final.

What can I say to my husband to make him less blue about how this holiday season is going to be for him, especially since he knows I’m why his daughter is still angry after all these years? And even though it has its tense moments, he really looks forward to this tradition, when for a few hours each year, he gets to be altogether with his kids, their spouses, and the grandkids. --- FOREVER THE OTHER WOMAN

DEAR FOREVER THE OTHER WOMAN: It sounds like your stepdaughter has a lot of growing up to do. Hopefully, being a parent herself will help her see things in a more generous light.

Perhaps, if logistics permit, you could suggest your husband pay a visit to his daughter sometime before your dinner on Christmas Eve. That way he’d at least get to see her, and you would have the excuse of needing to be home for preparations.

I hope that things will improve once the newest grandchild arrives, so that next year your family gathering will be a more complete one for everybody’s sake.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: My boyfriend spent some time in the Marines, and I don’t know if that’s why he is the way he is when it comes to taking care of his home or not. I have been to his mother’s house, and it is neat and clean, but not obsessively neat and clean. She does not follow you around and grab an empty glass the minute you put it down. Her bathrooms are clean, but she doesn’t deep clean them every two or three days. I feel more comfortable in her house than I do in her son’s, and I mentioned to her about how he is at his apartment, and she laughed and said that sure wasn’t him when he was still living at home.

He has asked me to move in with him, and as much as I care for him, I am not sure I could live comfortably in an environment without a little disorder.

Does this seem like a shallow reason to put off moving in with my boyfriend? --- NOT A CLEAN FREAK

DEAR NOT A CLEAN FREAK: While the Marines may have fostered a devotion to orderliness, I’m not sure his time in the service is the only thing behind your boyfriend’s drive to keep things the way he wants them. I also don’t think that you should downplay your concerns about whether or not his rules are ones you can live by 24/7.

In fairness to you both, it seems the time has come to have an open discussion with him about your concerns. If you care for each other enough to move the relationship forward, you need to establish some common ground and an open understanding of what each of you expects and feels, and what each of you is able to tolerate. If you can’t deal with his housekeeping standards and he gets upset by your daily habits, you might find you have some serious work to do before living together.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Our 11-year-old grandson was a “surprise” to his parents. As such, he is nearly 18 years younger than his next oldest sibling, and, as far as we can tell, nearly a whole different generation.

When his sisters and brother were his age, they seemed to like a lot of the same kinds of toys and games their father, our son, liked when he was a kid. The youngest only wants to play video and on-line games. I know it frustrates his parents, who have said they refuse to buy him any more games, and it doesn’t make it easy for us and his other grandmother to get him gifts.

With Christmas coming, we want to get a start on shopping, and don’t want to cause friction with his parents or waste money on something our grandson will have no use for.

What’s a grandparent to do? --- GRANDPARENTS OF A BIG GAMER

DEAR GRANDPARENTS OF A BIG GAMER: Seems to me it’s time all the grandparents and your grandson’s mom and dad have a discussion about what is and isn’t acceptable from the parental perspective. I agree there’s no point wasting money on unwanted gifts, and there may be some things that your grandson could use that may be less fun than another video game, but which may serve him better in the long run. If his parents don’t have anything to suggest, you might want to have some ideas of your own to run by them.