DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Please help. I’m asking advice about whether to interfere with the way my grandchildren, ages 9 and 7, are being parented. I’ve witnessed my daughter-in-law (DIL) undermine my son many times. He says no to something, and she gives it to them anyway. I say nothing.

My 9-year-old granddaughter has some behavioral issues, and they often complain about it. I found out recently that they took away a gift I gave her for Christmas (as a punishment) and planned to donate it. The rationale from my DIL was that they wanted to take away something that was meaningful. I said nothing.

Most recently, I was there for a (safely distanced) birthday dinner for my DIL. She found some paint on an upholstered dining chair and went into an all-out rage at my granddaughter. It was an accident. All of their chairs are upholstered, and my granddaughter loves to paint. My granddaughter was crying hysterically, left, and went upstairs to her bedroom. My DIL then justified her behavior to my son and he said, “It’s okay babe. I understand.” I said nothing.

You can probably guess that I’ve seen my DIL lash out at him also. I say nothing.

My ex-husband was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. I don’t get involved with my son’s marriage or comment on how he is being treated, even though it’s hard to stay quiet. However, I’m having a difficult time with the most recent event. My son comforted his wife. No one comforted the 9-year-old. It’s messed up.

To be fair, my DIL did apologize to my granddaughter during dinner. It was a half-baked apology. One that started with, “I’m sorry, but…” I said nothing.

My son and the grandkids are being verbally and emotionally abused, as I see it. What advice do you have? --- CONCERNED GRANDMA

DEAR CONCERNED GRANDMA: Parenting a child with behavioral issues can be a challenge for the calmest of parents. If your daughter-in-law tends to be high-strung and demanding, it sets the stage for an even more difficult time, and may be contributing to the behavior.

My hope is that what you see is only part of the childrearing conversations between your son and his wife. In any case, it’s unfortunate when one parent contradicts the other in front of the children. Inconsistency can be a dangerous thing, especially if a child is already struggling emotionally or developmentally. This may be what the children have come to expect, and your stepping in to offer criticism or advice stands a good chance of backfiring in any number of directions.

You didn’t mention if your abusive ex-husband is also your son’s father. If so, your son should have a good sense of the effects of that type of personality on a whole family. He may be thinking that keeping the peace with his wife is one way to avoid further tensions in front of the kids. They’re old enough, though, to be aware of who’s calling the shots, and that may be why they try to go around Mom through Dad.

As painful as it may be for you to witness, I believe you’re right to continue your non-interference policy with your son’s and daughter-in-law’s marriage and parenting style. However, that doesn’t necessarily mean you can’t discretely remind your son of how difficult it can be to live with someone with a dangerously short fuse, since you’ve been there, done that.

Once the world’s more open again, and if it’s something you’re able to do, what might help is frequently offering to take the children out of their house. Time away from a tense home could be a big help for all involved — especially if the kids know there’s a safe haven available to them, run by a supportive, loving adult.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: I feel so bad about accidentally letting a secret out to my husband. My sister-in-law and her husband just found out they are going to have a baby, and they wanted to make a grand announcement in a few weeks. They only told me because they wanted to have me help with the announcement, since I do some writing for work and my personal pleasure. My husband came into the room and saw I was playing around with the words “Now Expecting” and he thought I was trying to tell him something about me. I honestly didn’t even think about it, since I was so involved in what I was doing, when I answered, “Of course not. It’s for Sophie.”

I’d like to trust that my husband will honor my request for him to keep the secret to himself, but we’ve already had an argument about how pissed his mom will be when she finds out that I knew before she did.

Do I fess-up and tell my sister-in-law that I slipped, or just let it go, since we’re now getting closer to the official announcement anyway? --- ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED THE BEANS

DEAR ACCIDENTALLY SPILLED THE BEANS: I think a key consideration here is if your husband will honor your sister-in-law’s wishes to let the parents-to-be make the decision about how and when to announce their pregnancy. It isn’t his news to share, and hopefully he understands that.

Let’s say he keeps the secret to himself, whether or not you tell your sister-in-law about your slipup may have more to do with her personality than your need to clear your conscience. I’d weigh the damage done against what would be gained by a confession. If your sister-in-law’s the forgiving type, there may be no harm in letting her know, if she’s not, you might just unnecessarily stir up a hornet’s nest and in either case, lose her confidence in your discretion.

DEAR SOMEONE ELSE’S MOM: Before we got married my husband was living in an apartment with two other guys. All the time I spent there, I was impressed at how clean and neat the place was. My then boyfriend’s bedroom could be less than neat, but I figured he was just being a guy.

I didn’t know until after we were married early last year that one of the roommates was a compulsive cleaner and that’s why the apartment always looked so nice in the kitchen, living room, and dining area. Now that it’s just my husband and me, I see he’s either a slob, lazy, or both. I have to pick up after him and am the only one who notices when the bathrooms and kitchen need a good cleaning.

I love him and want to make our marriage work, but he’s got to learn to pitch in some. How do I get him to do that, other than my nagging him, which he seems to never hear? --- MARRIED TO A SLOB

DEAR MARRIED TO A SLOB: I’m guessing your husband has gotten away with not cleaning up after himself for a very long time, which may help feed his immunity to your nagging.

I think it’s time to sit down with him and tell him directly and calmly how the current housekeeping situation is not working for you at all, and that it’s causing you to resent his lack of effort.

Communication is key. In these still early days of marriage, now’s the time to figure out how to best make a true partnership you can both live with.