DEAR ABBY: I've read your column for years and you are usually "right on," but in a recent column you goofed royally.

A teen-aged girl was invited to a baby shower by the mother of one of her young friends. The girl's grandmother advised her not to attend the shower because the pregnant friend was unmarried. The girl asked for your advice, and you advised her to go to the shower because the baby needed gifts whether the mother was married or not.

Abby, I think there's a bigger picture to consider here than whether or not the baby needed things. A baby shower is a party celebrating the future arrival of a baby. In attending such a party, the guests are honoring the mother and celebrating the coming event. In my opinion, an unwed teen-aged mother hasn't anything to celebrate.

How does one earn the privilege to be a parent?

1. Complete your education.

2. Work for several years to save some money.

3. Get married at a reasonable time -- not in your teens.

4. Wait at least a year before getting pregnant to be sure the marriage will last.

Our society has supported unwed mothers for two or three decades. Now look at the epidemic we have. I don't suggest shunning these girls, but my attitude is: "This is a problem you created; now you and your family will have to handle it."

As a schoolteacher, I see babies born to girls who are neither emotionally nor financially able to handle motherhood.

Through the years, when I've been invited to baby showers for unwed mothers, I politely decline. I've never felt guilt and the people about whom I really care have respected me for declining.

If one of my grandchildren ever became an unwed parent, I would never put my friends on the spot by inviting them to a baby shower. And if their friends gave one, I would send a gift but would not attend. -- MICHIGAN MOM

DEAR MICHIGAN MOM: Judging from the feedback, more readers agreed with your point of view than with mine:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to the girl about whether it's improper to hold a baby shower for an unwed mother is way off base.

A baby shower is a celebration first and a financial event second.

When someone they know is involved in a tragic car accident, friends typically give extensive contributions of food, services and other assistance to the family. But they don't do it in the form of a celebratory party.

A baby whose mother is an unwed high school girl, and whose father doesn't want to accept any responsibility, is a tragedy -- not a cause for celebration.

If friends of the girl want to help out financially, fine. But don't do so in the "isn't it wonderful" atmosphere that accompanies a baby shower. -- CAROL SANDERS, SAN DIEGO

DEAR CAROL: Perhaps an unwed mother doesn't "deserve" a baby shower in the form of a celebration -- but she needs it more than the married mother who has everything going for her.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, I worked for the Yellow Cab Co. in Los Angeles. One Saturday, when our complaint department was closed, I received a call from a famous movie star. It went like this:

"Hello ... this is Jimmy Stewart. You know, I'm not hurting for money, but it's the principle of the thing that makes me mad. One of your cab drivers just ripped me off for a $20 dollar bill. You know how you'd feel if it were you."

I agreed with him and took down the necessary information. I'd hardly started to write up the complaint when Jimmy Stewart called back, all excited.

"I hope you haven't already turned in that complaint ... The driver didn't do it; it was one of these jokers with me who thought he was being funny."

Jimmy Stewart has always been one of my favorite actors, and to me, this just made him a more beautiful human being. So many people call in with complaints and never bother to correct them after they get the driver in trouble.

I hope Jimmy Stewart lives forever. We need people like him in this world. -- DOROTHY R. CASSIDY, LAGUNA HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR DOROTHY: I agree. My earliest recollection of Jimmy Stewart was during World War II when this handsome Princeton graduate took officer's training at the U.S. air base in Sioux City, Iowa -- my hometown.

For all his celebrity status, he made a wonderful impression on the townspeople as an Air Force captain who eventually achieved the rank of brigadier general.

After the war, Jimmy resumed his career as an actor, collecting more awards than I can enumerate here.

Suffice it to say that his favorite role was "devoted husband of Gloria," whom he married in 1949. Sadly, she died last year.

Jimmy Stewart is greatly admired by all who have the good fortune to know him.

DEAR ABBY: When you answered the letter from "Homemaker Wannabe," you noted that employers are beginning to offer flexible schedules to working women.

The Labor Department actively encourages employers to set up such programs. The "Working Women Count Honor Roll" recognizes employers (with a certificate signed by the labor secretary) who make life easier for their female employees through programs that compensate women fairly, make the workplace family-friendly, and value the work that women do.

Think of the difference in working women's lives if every employer in the country pledged to start one program. Programs can range from elaborate (such as in-house day-care centers) to simple (allowing employees four hours off per year to attend school functions). And, of course, programs that help women also help men.

Interested employers and employees can contact the Labor Department at 1-800-827-5335 for a brochure explaining the Working Women Count Honor Roll and a pledge card. -- MARION HANSEN, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR MARION HANSEN: Thank you for an informative letter and for sending me the brochure, which points out that the explosion in the number of working women is one of the defining trends of the 20th century. Today, women make up almost half the entire workforce in the United States. A recent study shows that 99 percent of women will work for pay at some time in their lives.

Because of this, the Women's Bureau of the U.S. Department of Labor invites employers nationwide to join a new initiative recognizing employers, organizations and others who implement policies and practices that value the work women do.

Businesses, unions and non-profit organizations (public and private, local and national) can apply for the Honor Roll if they undertake or have recently started a program or policy that improves the lives of women workers in concrete ways.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My son (I'll call him Ned) just turned 40. Recently a 19-year-old boy came forward and announced that he was Ned's son. When Ned told me, I invited the young man to my home for dinner so we could meet.

Ned seems eager to accept this boy as his son, even though the boy's mother has had three other sons by three different men.

The boy looks nothing like anyone in our family (not that this is necessary), but I'd like to have some tests done before I change my will to include a grandchild that may or may not be mine.

Where do we go, and what do we need as proof of blood relationship? And how accurate would a test of that kind be?

Do you agree that I should want proof before leaving an inheritance to a person who has never made contact (nor has his mother) before now? -- STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

DEAR CONFIDENTIAL: It couldn't hurt. But first, your son should consult an attorney who can direct him to laboratories that perform these tests and have the best reputations for accuracy. However, blood tests are not always 100 percent accurate, so it might be wise to repeat the tests at a different laboratory. It will be necessary for both Ned and the young man claiming to be his son to be tested.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 70-year-old female who has been driving for 54 years, and I have never even had a parking ticket. I am neither confused nor disoriented.

I'm sorry about the girl who was struck by an elderly gentleman, but there are many people in her age group who are on drugs and alcohol who kill people every day, so it's not just the elderly who should not be driving. -- SHIRLEY RODDY, TEMPE, ARIZ.

P.S. I am in pretty good shape. I jog and swim for an hour every day.

DEAR SHIRLEY: Certainly some older drivers are safe drivers, but everyone past the age of 55 should consider that as we age, our reflexes slow down, and our vision and hearing may not be as sharp as they used to be.

I urge seniors to inquire about courses for mature drivers that instruct them on how to compensate for this, and which may also qualify them for a discount on car insurance.

DEAR ABBY: I wish people would quit calling mail carriers "mailmen." There are many communities that employ women to deliver mail. I know, because I am one of them. Please don't use my name or location. -- CIVIL SERVANT

DEAR CIVIL SERVANT: It's nice to know that today's woman is not limited to "delivering" babies.

YOUR CHUCKLE FOR THE DAY: "How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teen-ager who wants to stay out all night?" -- FROM A MILWAUKEE READER

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)