DEAR ABBY: "Irritated in Ojai, Calif." was bothered by the fact that her husband has kept love letters from a previous girlfriend for more than 12 years and through three moves.

I've kept a previous boyfriend's love letters for 23 years and through seven moves. My husband has never asked me to dispose of them, and I wouldn't toss them even if he asked me to. These letters, along with other assorted keepsakes, help me define who I am now, based in part on who I've been in the past. The letters are nothing more than a record of a girl who was able to love and be loved -- an important concept to someone who felt unloved by her family.

In my mind, they affirm my ability to have a loving relationship with my husband. Please encourage "Irritated" not to stop at simply telling her husband how she feels about the letters (and then waiting for him to "toss them out"). Tell her to take the time to explore with him the reason he has kept those letters. It may be an eye-opening, soul-searching experience for them both! -- DARLENE IN REDONDO BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR DARLENE: While it may be a "soul-searching experience" for some, it could be something else for others.

People keep love letters for a variety of reasons, but it's a pretty good bet that there is an underlying sentimental reason. This is the private business of the keeper -- why must it be "explained"?

DEAR ABBY: I seldom miss your column in our local newspaper. Our family often discusses and learns from the letters you publish. You have helped us many times, as you have so many of your readers.

It was only after the death of my granddaughter that I saw the letter you printed from the 25-year-old woman thanking you for saving her life by printing the warning signs of an abusive partner. After seeing your column and recognizing that her boyfriend fit every warning you mentioned, she left him and started a new life.

How I wish our beautiful 19-year-old granddaughter had seen that list. She had been living with a young man for four months. Although her family didn't approve of him and had tried to dissuade her from living with him, they made an effort to accept him and welcome him into the family so they wouldn't lose their daughter.

After a particularly nasty quarrel, my granddaughter separated from the young man and returned to her family. A week after she left him, he brutally murdered her. Although she had been close to her parents (and all the family), she had never once confided to anyone the abusive relationship she was in. Her parents are devastated. Their lives have changed forever.

Our family would like to be able to help other young women in these circumstances, but we don't know how to get started, Abby. Do you have any suggestions? And would you please print the warning signs of an abuser again? -- TOO LATE IN TEXAS

DEAR TOO LATE: Please accept my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your granddaughter. I'm sure there are many ways in which you could help other young women in abusive relationships. The most obvious would be to explore what help is available to battered and homeless women in your city and find out what their immediate needs are -- shelter, clothing, funds to tide them over. You might also consider contacting victims' rights groups.

For anyone who might have missed it, I will publish the warning signs of an abusive partner tomorrow. Space limitations prevent me from doing it today.

Abby shares more of her favorite, easy-to-prepare recipes. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, More Favorite Recipes, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am now joining the ranks of those who have read your column for years, but have never written until now.

As a 65-year-old woman, I was appalled with the piece you printed on the glories of youth. According to you, everything that is positive is equated with being young: vigor, self-confidence, hope, courage and beauty. But everything negative is equated with being old, such as fear, pessimism, cynicism and hopelessness.

Abby, have you any idea how ageist this is? It makes being old abhorrent and depressing.

When I proudly tell people that I am 65, they say, "Oh, you don't look that old," as though they were paying me a compliment. In reality, it is an insult. What is a 65-year-old woman supposed to look like?

I am no longer young and have no desire to pass as "young." At my age, I am more creative, have more self-confidence, hope and spirituality than at any other time in my life.

Abby, we have learned a lot about racism and sexism; let us now open our minds to ageism. We need to proclaim "old" as something positive.

In closing, let me share a quote I saw on a button where there were many senior citizens.

"Youth is a gift of nature; age is a work of art." -- JOAN CATLOVER, GULFPORT, FLA.

DEAR JOAN CATLOVER: Your philosophical attitude is admirable and well worth remembering. Thank you for writing; I'm saving your letter for encouragement in my old age.

DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend of eight years has recently begun a pen pal correspondence (via computer and actual mail) with three young females in various parts of the country. He says this shouldn't upset me because he just wants to be "friends" with these women, but I notice he writes only to women and tries to make his letters as charming and witty as possible. (He has never mentioned me.) There is also the possibility that he could secretly meet with one of these women who happens to live fairly close.

I call it "selling" himself, but he denies it. Nevertheless, these sound very much like the letters he used to send me during our courtship.

I am angry because I think this is inappropriate for someone who has a commitment to someone else. It is starting to hurt our relationship. What do you think? -- CONFUSED IN CINCINNATI

DEAR CONFUSED: If, after eight years of living together, your boyfriend is seeking female pen pals to charm, I would question his degree of commitment, as well as his level of honesty. Trust your instincts. I suspect they are correct.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 62-year-old mother of seven. I have not spoken to my oldest daughter in 20 years. There has been no communication in any form between us. We live 2,000 miles from each other.

I would like to come to peace with her. How can I do this? Her siblings tell me she is happy with things the way they are. -- A GRIEVING MOTHER IN WYOMING

DEAR GRIEVING MOTHER: Since you want to make peace with her, extend the olive branch by writing her a letter, expressing your feelings. You have nothing to lose.

If she rebukes your offer to bury the hatchet, you will have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been reading your column for years. A letter in your column today really caught my eye. It reminded me of a conversation I had with one of my sisters years ago.

The letter was written by a woman who was irritated that her husband of 12 years still kept old letters from a former girlfriend.

My sister and I were looking through some old picture albums when she came across a picture of my husband and a pretty girl, taken before we were married. She looked puzzled and said: "How come he still has pictures of his old girlfriend? I sure wouldn't let my husband keep pictures of his old girlfriends!"

I replied: "Listen, I didn't find him under a cabbage leaf. He wasn't born the day before he married me. He had a life, and she was part of it. I also had a life before him and I have mementos of that life. Our experiences make us what we are, and any and all memories he chooses to preserve are fine with me.

"We have been married almost 40 years. He has stood by me during good times and bad, and has been a loyal and loving husband always. He's been a wonderful father to our daughter and a wonderful grandfather as well. And the best part of all is that he chose me to marry. So he can keep as many pictures, letters and souvenirs from his past as he cares to. I have HIM!" -- PAT IN ST. HELENS, ORE.

DEAR PAT: Wow! What a sensible attitude. My congratulations to both of you. You are lucky to have found each other.

DEAR ABBY: Concerning "Distraught Middle Child," whose sister and brother refused to attend her wedding if the other one was going to be there.

You were right on when you said it was unfair to have put her on the spot. However, Abby, I believe "Distraught" would find less grief with these petty people if she were to extend the invitation to both of them, and let them wrestle with the decision of whether or not to attend the sister's wedding.

By forcing them to make the decision, she is removing herself from their game. If she doesn't invite either one, they will undoubtedly haunt her with that for the rest of her life. -- SHARON L. RUDD, EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR SHARON: Your suggestion to invite both of them and let the brother and sister make the decision to attend the wedding or stay home was the intelligent way to handle it. Why didn't I think of that?

DEAR ABBY: Is it proper at bridal or baby showers to place a thank-you note at each luncheon plate instead of sending individual thank-you notes following the gift opening?

I should think if a person had cared enough to spend the time and money for a gift and attend the shower, a personal note of thanks (which would take five minutes at the most) and a 32-cent stamp aren't too much to expect.

Your opinion, please. -- MIFFED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR MIFFED: You are justified in feeling miffed. In my opinion, such blanket expressions of thanks are cheap and tacky.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)