DEAR ABBY: I was so upset by the letter from the mother who will miss out if she skips her daughter's wedding that I'm writing to you for the first time ever.

Many years ago I was in a similar situation, so opposed to my daughter's forthcoming marriage that I canceled the ceremony AFTER the invitations had been mailed. Shortly after, they told me they were going to get married with or without my support.

I remained adamantly opposed until my dear wife asked me if I wanted to lose my daughter. When I exclaimed, "Of course not!" she said, "Well, you will if you keep on like this." Thank God I took my sweetheart's advice and escorted my daughter down the aisle at her wedding. My daughter and I have always remained very close.

To that mother who is judging her daughter by the moral standards that she grew up with 30 to 40 years ago, "Judge not lest ye yourself be judged," and "Let him who is without sin among you cast the first stone." Mother: You don't have to approve of your daughter's conduct, but don't lose her through rejection. -- TOM WATTLE, ARCATA, CALIF.

DEAR MR. WATTLE: Thank you for your heartfelt letter. I have received a blizzard of letters from readers arguing both sides of the question. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: What century is this woman living in? She should realize that her daughter is apparently old enough to make a decision to live with a man prior to jumping into a marriage that may not work out. I lived with my husband for 4 1/2 years before our wedding day. We have been married for 13 1/2 years and look forward to many more.

I'd also like to tell this woman who was concerned about the "strict" Catholic Church not addressing this subject my feelings: We were married in a Catholic church in my hometown but had to attend pre-Cana classes with a priest in the area where we live. This man had the gall to tell us that our marriage wouldn't last two years. This just goes to show that priests (and the Catholic Church) don't know everything.

If this woman continues with her negative attitude, she will alienate her daughter and future son-in-law. She should swallow her pride, trust her daughter to make the right decisions, and enjoy what should be a happy time for all.

Keep up the good work, Abby. Your column makes my day! -- MARYANNE WALTON, DOVER, DEL.

DEAR ABBY: "Disapproving Mother" said that her daughter's behavior reflected a lack of morals in young people and her daughter doesn't respect or care what she thinks. I disagree!

The daughter and her fiance obviously care very much what her parents think if the fiance went so far as to ask the parents for the daughter's hand in marriage.

I say the daughter would be better off without a whining and controlling mother passing judgment on her, especially on her wedding day. The only thing that really matters is that the bride and groom are very much in love. If the mother is too wrapped up in her moral code of behavior to care if her daughter is happy, then she has forfeited her rights as a mother. -- UNDER 40 IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: For the "Disapproving Mother" who is Catholic: Christ said, "Go and sin no more" to the whore who was caught in the act.

The Lord's Prayer says, "Forgive us our sins as we forgive those that sin against us."

Christ told Peter to forgive 70 times 7.

This "Disapproving Mother" must take her hurt and worry to the cross and leave them there. That is what her strict Catholic Church would tell her to do. -- ROCHELLE VANDENBURG

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I disagree with your harsh condemnation of "Disapproving Mother," who refused to celebrate her daughter's engagement because the daughter is living with her fiance.

I realize that it is difficult to address all considerations in the space of your column, but I wonder if you feel, as it appears, that the mother owes the daughter an elaborate wedding? If this girl is able to live on her own with her fiance, why should the mother be expected to pay for a wedding? The young couple is clearly able to attend to their needs, so why is it they can't take care of their own wedding?

I don't condemn this couple. If I knew them I would be happy to wish them well. However, I also wish the mother well, as she has been willing to stand up for her values in a world where there are few people willing to do so. -- THERESE D. BARRY, BEECH MOUNTAIN, N.C.

DEAR THERESE: Nowhere in her letter did the mother indicate that she had been asked to pay for the wedding or shower, nor did I tell her to do so. Paying the expenses of a wedding should be considered a gift, and not an obligation by the bride's parents.

I told the woman that her angry, punitive stance would isolate her from her daughter, her future son-in-law and grandchildren -- and she had everything to lose and nothing to gain.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Disapproving Mother" was that she should apologize to her daughter and her fiance. Baloney! The daughter, knowing how her parents would feel about her setup, should not expect them to pay for anything. The mother does not have to approve of their lifestyle. They have lived together for two years and plan to shack up for another year while calling this an engagement.

As for future grandchildren, I don't think "Disapproving Mother" has anything to worry about. They'll be dropping off their offspring for grandmother to baby-sit free of charge. "Disapproving Mother" should attend the wedding if invited, like any other guest. -- ARLENE JOHNSON, AVON LAKE, OHIO

DEAR ARLENE: I agree, the mother does not have to approve of their lifestyle. However, by refusing to give the young man permission to marry their daughter, they have reduced their chances of being asked to the wedding, and should the young man carry a grudge, they could well be cut off from any grandchildren.

DEAR ABBY: Maybe this daughter's plans will turn out well. But I would never call her mother insensitive or rigid, either. The daughter has shown her lack of respect for all the parents hold dear, so why should she want or need their help with her long overdue wedding? She has already set up housekeeping, so why have a shower? Since she and her friend have already consummated a marriage, who needs a fancy wedding? The money might be more helpful later.

The votes won't be in until the daughter's own children are old enough to do likewise. As the old-timers say, "What goes around comes around."

I suggest that what is now "modern practice" is not necessarily a right one. I cannot come down on this mother for what might prove to be the greater wisdom, in God's sight. -- VIVIAN B. BROWNING, DAMASCUS, MD.

DEAR VIVIAN AND READERS: Thank you for letting me know your strong feelings on this matter. Tomorrow, we'll hear from some of those who supported my thinking.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the father you mentioned who loved reading aloud to my children so much that I started Rolling Readers. It is now California's largest nonprofit children's literacy organization. We were proud to see the letter from Miss Mary Ann detailing her joy as a volunteer reading to her "story children" each week, and the satisfaction she receives when she gives them new books three times a year during our "book giveaways."

The response from Dear Abby readers across the United States and Canada has been unbelievable. We have received more than 10,000 calls and letters from people who wish to volunteer, and individuals and groups who are eager to start a local chapter of Rolling Readers in their communities. Already chapters are forming in St. Louis, Phoenix, Las Vegas, Tampa, New York, Chicago, and dozens of smaller communities.

Reading aloud to youngsters is such a simple yet profound way to share our love of books and reading. Over the years we have been inspired by the quality of volunteers willing to spend an hour each week helping to create "reading and caring communities." They include socially conscious high school students, police detectives, judges, retirees and homemakers. They share our alarm that there is a crisis in our country.

For 30 years our society has grown increasingly less literate, with the biggest decline occurring in those needy children already struggling near the bottom. These Rolling Readers understand that this crisis needs to be solved in a typically American fashion -- individually, by thousands of concerned citizens willing to give of their time to make a difference in the lives of these children.

Abby, thank you for spreading this important message. We would also like to thank the thousands of your readers who have sent letters or called to volunteer. Together we are creating "reading and caring communities" across the country. After all, a love of children and a love of books go hand in hand. -- ROBERT CONDON, ROLLING READERS USA

DEAR MR. CONDON: I'm delighted that your worthwhile organization struck such a responsive chord with my readers. America's most precious resource is our children, and literacy is the first step in preparing them to lead productive lives. I wish you and your dedicated volunteers continued success in this important effort.

DEAR ABBY: Often, when my husband and I are in a conversation with another couple, something happens that really "bugs" me. The other couple both start talking at once, the woman to me and the man to my husband. It's impossible to listen to both and I have to choose.

Obviously, if I listen to the man I'll be rude to the woman. Sometimes I'm more interested in the conversation the man and my husband are having. What can I do? I feel like throwing up my hands and leaving the room. What could I say? -- FRUSTRATED IN CANADA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The next time it happens, smile at the woman and say, "Just a moment, if you don't mind; I'd like to hear this ..."

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH FRIENDS: On this St. Patrick's Day, may I extend this Irish blessing to you:

May you never forget

What is worth remembering

Or remember what is best forgotten.

P.S. Have a joyous St. Patrick's Day. If you're drinking, don't drive. And if you're driving, don't drink.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)