DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago, I laid my beautiful 21-year-old daughter to rest. The cause of death: AIDS. A parent could not have wished for a more loving, talented and motivated child. In the recklessness of youth, she engaged in unprotected sex. By the time she was diagnosed, she had been HIV-positive for at least four years and already had full-blown AIDS. By then she had met a young man with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her life, and although they always used a condom, he, too, became infected.

Never did I think that AIDS would touch my family. You cannot imagine the toll this has taken on our entire family. She had three younger siblings, the youngest being 11 years old. Our heartbreak and sorrow have been overwhelming. I have seen the hopes, dreams and brilliant future of one of the true joys of my life destroyed. Seeing her gradually waste away to a mere shadow of the vivacious, outgoing young woman she once was, is the saddest thing I have ever experienced. She fought so hard to live; she suffered terribly in the last few months of her life.

Her death was so unnecessary, but now it must have meaning. No one can be too careful in this day and age. Each of us takes risks every day. Many of us do not pay any consequences for our risk-taking, while some pay a very high price for their actions.

Please print this letter in the hope that others may be spared her fate. This message is so important: Sex just isn't worth dying for! -- CATHERINE MENZIES, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.

DEAR CATHERINE: I offer my deepest sympathy on the tragic loss of your beloved daughter.

Condoms, when used properly, can significantly reduce the risk of contracting most sexually transmitted diseases, but they are not 100 percent effective. Even though there are exciting new developments in AIDS treatment, your letter -- and thousands of others that could be written -- clearly demonstrates the epidemic is far from over.

More than 30,000 people in the United States become infected with HIV every year. This letter should serve as a wake-up call.

DEAR ABBY: Will you please publish this letter? It's about my wife. She talks too much.

My job requires me to bring work home. Our house needs a lot of attention, too. When I try to work, my wife is always there with a steady stream of questions or trivial conversation. When I sit down to read, I read in minute-and-a-half blocks of time because I know she will interrupt me. Even when she isn't in the room, I can hear her talking, yelling or complaining in a tone that can't be ignored. I suppose I should feel grateful that she wants to talk to me. But Abby, the truth is, I need my peace and quiet.

I have tried to discuss this with her, but it only upsets her. When I talk, she usually interrupts. What's ironic is that a woman she works with has the same habit -- and my wife complains about HER. This may seem funny, but my job is slipping and our house looks like heck. -- NO PEACE IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR NO PEACE: It doesn't sound funny to me. Your wife is a compulsive talker. Since she ignores your needs and becomes defensive when you try to discuss it with her, the situation can only degenerate. Couples counseling might help you get the message across.

Until then, consider a work area where you can concentrate -- preferably a room with a lock on the door.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the grandfather of a 2-year-old boy named Alexander. People tell me he is the spitting image of his father, my son. The child is big for his age and has a quick smile and eyes that sparkle with curiosity. I love my grandson more than he will ever know. Hardly a day goes by that he is not in my thoughts.

My heart aches because Alexander and I have never met. My son and Alexander's mother (both college graduates) became estranged shortly after the baby's birth, and his mother married someone else. Because my son gave up his parental rights, I lost my grandparental rights as well.

When the lawyers were sending letters back and forth, I hoped the outcome would allow me to become a grandfather. The day the judge made his decision, I was overcome with sorrow.

I find myself wondering how my grandson's language skills are developing, or how far he can throw a ball. It was mostly the lawyers who decided that Alexander and I wouldn't have a relationship. I was never asked how I felt about all of this, and they didn't ask my grandson either. If he were old enough to read this letter, I would want him to know that this separation wasn't my idea. -- A GRANDPA WITH A BROKEN HEART

DEAR GRANDPA: Yours is only one of the many heartbreaking letters I have received from grandparents who have been separated from their grandchildren for reasons beyond their control. Often in custody battles and adoptions, little consideration is given to the bonds between children and their grandparents.

In most states, it is possible for grandparents to petition for visitation with their grandchildren if parental rights have been surrendered and/or there has been a stepparent adoption. Before grandparents can petition for visitation, paternity must be established. A family lawyer can tell you if your state is one that allows grandparents to petition.

For more information on this and other grandparent/child issues, contact Grandparents United for Children's Rights Inc. This nonprofit organization is committed to pursuing recognition of the natural bond that exists between grandparents and grandchildren. Write to them at 137 Larkin St., Madison, Wis. 53705, or send e-mail to: sedun@inexpress.net.

DEAR ABBY: A friend wanted to come with her daughter and three teen-aged grandchildren to spend some time with me after Christmas. My home had just been redecorated, and I told her honestly that I was not set up to accommodate five guests. She laughed and said the teen-agers could camp out in the living room -- a room with brand-new off-white carpet.

I told her I was not comfortable with this arrangement. She became outraged, and in an extremely nasty way terminated our 20-year friendship.

Was I wrong to feel so protective of my new furniture and carpeting? And how can I put into perspective such an unpleasant rejection? -- GRIEVING IN HERMOSA BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR GRIEVING: Although you value the 20-year friendship, it obviously meant more to you than it did to your "friend." You had every right to decline the role of hostess to her, her daughter and the three teens. For her to have asked was an imposition.

Don't dwell on it. Putting it in a positive light, her "rejection" frees you to devote more time to someone who is a genuine friend.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our grandfather is driving us bananas. He is in good health, retired and visits us every day. He is very good to us, but this everyday thing is taking a toll on us.

We love Grandpa dearly, but unless we make plans not to be home at the time of his daily visits, we are stuck listening to his opinion on everything -- and according to him, his opinion is the only right one.

We don't want to hurt his feelings, but we are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Abby, how can we handle this sensitive problem? -- PERPLEXED GRANDDAUGHTER

DEAR PERPLEXED: Your grandfather obviously is lonely and bored. Call the local seniors center and find out what kind of programs they offer. Encourage Grandpa to check out the center. If they serve lunches for seniors, suggest he go for lunch a few times to make friends.

Also, look into volunteer needs at local hospitals, libraries and schools, and impress on Grandpa how much he is needed in those programs.

If Grandpa is interested in traveling, buy him some travel magazines and pick up some brochures from your travel agent. There are some interesting cruises and tours especially for seniors.

Use your imagination to come up with other projects to interest him. If he gets busy with others, he will probably have less time for visits to the family.

DEAR ABBY: I am a mother of three. The oldest is 9 years old. Although I don't know everything there is to know about parenting, I am hardly a novice.

I have been blessed with a youthful appearance, but that blessing is also a curse. I'm 36 but look 18, and I'm still asked for proof of age when I buy a bottle of cooking sherry. Also, because of my appearance, people assume that I know nothing about parenting and many of them proceed to offer advice. (Most advice-givers are older women, but a few older men do it, too.)

Abby, I find these encounters very annoying. I know my children and diligently tend to their needs. I neither need nor want the assistance or advice of strangers.

My advice to those who feel they must say something to a young mother: Say a prayer instead. -- THANKS BUT NO THANKS FOR ADVICE IN CHICAGO

DEAR THANKS: Every day I hear people complain that no one cares anymore. Obviously, those who offer you well-meaning advice care enough to want to help you. Give them credit for that. You may one day feel that sharing your experience could benefit a younger parent, and perhaps then you will see the gesture as less an intrusion and more a generosity of spirit.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column many times and would like your advice on a problem I have.

I am 13 years old and am a partial vegetarian (I don't eat red meat or pork), which was my personal choice. When I eat at friends' or relatives' houses, they often serve red meat.

Most of my friends and family know what I eat, but when they forget, it is often a little embarrassing for me. I feel like I'm being ungrateful for not eating what they are serving me.

Abby, is this rude -- and what should I say when this happens? -- VEGGIE IN SIOUX CITY

DEAR VEGGIE: You are not being rude or ungrateful. Do not make an issue of it. Simply say, "The salad was delicious. May I please have a second helping?" (The same goes for the vegetable side dishes.)

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)