DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Ross" for 13 years. We have never lived together. Shortly before I met him, his business fell on hard times. We agreed (I thought) that once he was financially back on his feet, we'd get married. Well, it's been almost two years since his financial recovery and still no proposal.

Last Christmas, he asked me what I wanted. I told him, "an engagement ring." Needless to say, I didn't get one. When I asked him why, he said he has become disenchanted with marriage. Then he talked about actress Goldie Hawn and producer/actor Kurt Russell's long relationship -- very happily unmarried. Many of Ross' friends and family are either going through divorces or are unhappily married. But I don't understand what this has to do with us. Why should I be penalized?

I have never pressured Ross about marriage. I thought it was only a matter of time. He says he loves me, there's no other woman, and I believe him.

We are still seeing each other exclusively, and I don't want anyone else. But something is missing. We're not "complete." I find myself getting upset with him over many little things. I can't let go of the hurt and disappointment. Am I to blame for allowing this to drag on without a solid commitment from him? What do you think, Abby? -- UNHAPPILY SINGLE IN CINCINNATI

DEAR UNHAPPILY SINGLE: I don't blame you for feeling hurt and disappointed. Ross may be afraid of commitment and is unwilling to take on the legal and financial responsibilities of marriage. Regardless of the reason, what is missing from this relationship is his willingness to make a legal commitment.

There's an old saying, "If you're looking for trout, don't go fishing in a herring barrel." If it's marriage you desire, stop hanging onto a man who is disenchanted with the institution and find one whose values are more in keeping with yours.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the items in your column about the definitions of "elderly," I had to share this:

About 12 years ago, my husband, "Jeff," and I, our two young children and all of Jeff's family gathered for a five-generation dinner. Jeff's great-grandfather, who was 97 years old at the time, was visiting for the first time since our children were born.

Also in attendance was his daughter, my husband's "Grandma Hazel," aged 72.

All of us women were in the kitchen preparing the dinner when I noticed that Grandma Hazel was drinking a soda. In the eight years that I'd known her, I had never seen her drink one. She drank a beer now and then -- but never a soda.

When I commented to Grandma Hazel that I had never seen her drink a soda in all the years I'd known her, I was floored by her reply. She leaned over and whispered, "I know. I had to put my beer into a soda can because Dad doesn't approve of my drinking!" -- YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER, ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR WHIPPERSNAPPER: Regardless of age, we're all children in the eyes of our parents and we seek their approval. Evidently, Dad had never approved of Hazel's drinking habits. As the old expression goes, "To get along, you need to go along."

(Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)

DEAR ABBY: I have just returned from the dentist and I'm upset. The assistant who was working with him today has long hair -- well below shoulder-length. It was not pulled back or confined at all, which meant that whenever she leaned over, it was hanging right above my open mouth. She pushed it back behind her ears quite often.

I may be terribly old-fashioned, but I consider this to be very unsanitary. I am a retired nurse. I was taught that even clean hair is to be considered "contaminated" and should NEVER be touched while working with a patient unless you immediately scrub your hands. Hair should be pulled back securely from the face whenever you are in a patient treatment or preparation area. I kept thinking about all the loose hairs that were being dropped on the counters, instruments and patients, and it made me sick.

Am I being too persnickety? Could you please check with your dental experts and tell me if a dental assistant wearing long hair loose is acceptable? I need some extensive treatment, and I can't bear the thought of returning to this office because I have to wonder if it is as clean as it should be. -- FUSSY OLD LADY

DEAR FUSSY: You have a legitimate complaint. Open your mouth and voice it to the dentist. Both he and his assistant should know the rules of proper hygiene. A professional look is sleek and clean -- and the hair should be worn up, tied back in a ponytail or confined in a hairnet. If the personnel in your dentist's office don't comply, find another dentist.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Good Old Dad," the father whose daughters bypassed him and talked only to their mother, was exactly right. I would like to add my own experience:

I am the oldest daughter of eight children. When any of us called home and my dad answered the phone, he would barely say, "Hello, how are you?" before passing the phone to my mother. When we visited, he'd sit and watch the ballgame while we talked with Mom and filled her in on all our news. If we became too loud, he'd comment on our "yakking," just like "Good Old Dad." Although we loved him, we were never able to have a meaningful conversation with our father.

Then about 10 years ago, my mother convinced Dad -- against his better judgment -- to take a course in self-awareness. I received a phone call from him shortly after he completed the course, and we actually talked for about 10 minutes! He asked me questions, listened to my answers and spoke about himself. When I hung up the phone, tears were streaming down my face. My husband couldn't believe it was my father I had been talking to.

After that, Dad made it a point to call all of his children and ask how they were doing. He also spent a little time with us when we visited. We grew much closer and discovered we really enjoyed each other's company.

Dad passed away a few years ago, and I am so grateful to him for reaching out so we could have some time together before it was too late. Abby, please tell "Good Old Dad" that his daughters are dying to be close to him. He should call them at home or take them to lunch and build a relationship with them outside the mother-daughter loop. It may be a little awkward at first, but it will be well worth it. -- KAREN CLARK, HOLLAND, PA.

DEAR KAREN: Yours is an important message. To dads everywhere (and it is usually dads who do this): If this sounds like you, please take the time and get to know your children. You and they will be richer for the experience.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is a prize-winning essay written by my 12-year-old granddaughter, Jenna Guimaraes. Perhaps you would like to share it with your readers. -- PHYL ERICKSON, COON RAPIDS, MINN.

DEAR PHYL: I'm pleased to print your granddaughter's essay. I can think of no better occasion than Veterans Day. Congratulations to Jenna.

PATRIOTISM

by Jenna Guimaraes

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all."

Every day my classmates and I recite this oath. By doing this we promise to be true to our country, ourselves and our fellow Americans.

In school we study the history of our country, learning about those who lived long ago; who stood up for their beliefs, risked their lives, homes and safety to give promise to a better life to their descendants. Because of these people, our country is a great place to live.

Though we are younger than most countries, many look to us for protection, leadership, support and friendship.

Patriotism can be shown in many ways, even by ordinary people. Mary Hays, otherwise known as Molly Pitcher, is one of them.

Molly Pitcher carried water to the soldiers during the Revolutionary War. When one of the soldiers fell from heat stroke, Molly shot the cannon for him. Molly loved her country so much that she risked her life in battle, even at a time when women didn't fight.

We don't have to risk our lives to show our patriotism, but I am grateful to those who did.

DEAR READERS: Edward C. Iberger of Riverhead, N.Y., submitted this touching story of how "Taps," played at military funerals, originated. The source is the�Encyclopedia of Amazing but True Facts by Doug Storer:

It all began in 1862, during the Civil War, when a Union Army captain, Robert Ellicombe, was with his men near Harrison's Landing in Virginia. The Confederate Army was on the other side of this narrow strip of land.

During the night, Capt. Ellicombe heard the moan of a soldier who lay mortally wounded on the field. Not knowing if it was a Union or Confederate soldier, the captain decided to risk his life and bring back the stricken man for medical attention.

Crawling on his stomach through the gunfire, the captain reached the soldier and began pulling him back toward his encampment. When the captain finally reached his own lines, he discovered it was actually a Confederate soldier, but the soldier was dead.

The captain lit a lantern, suddenly caught his breath and went numb with shock. In the dim light of the lantern he saw the face of the soldier ... it was his own son! The young man had been studying music in the South when the war broke out, and without telling his father, he had enlisted in the Confederate Army.

The following morning, the heartbroken father asked permission of his supervisors to give his son a full military burial, despite the young man's enemy status. The captain's request was partially granted.

He asked if he could have a group of army band members play a dirge for his son at the funeral. His request was refused since the soldier was a Confederate. Out of respect for the captain, they said they could loan him one musician. He chose the bugler. The captain asked him to play a series of musical notes found in the pocket of the dead youth's uniform. This wish was granted. That music was the haunting bugle melody we now know as "Taps."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)