DEAR ABBY: Please print this letter to my stepdaughter. I would say it to her face, but my husband would pitch a fit if I did.

DEAR STEPDAUGHTER: Please grow up and take responsibility for yourself. You are in your mid-30s, but you expect us to provide you with a car, repair it, and pay your insurance. This is a major burden and a threat to our finances because if you have an accident, we are the ones who will get sued.

You come to our house to do the laundry for your family, and expect us to provide detergent, dryer sheets, water and electricity. You put more wear and tear on our washer and dryer than we do.

You expect "Daddy" to come through when you are low on money, and you always have him pay your rent deposits when you move.

Your father still owes money from before I met him, and we have to get a loan every year just to get by. Don't you realize that he has expenses other than yours? Have you ever considered that financial stress may have contributed to the heart attack he had a few years ago?

It's great for you to stay home with the kids while your husband works (I wish I could), but not if you are a burden on someone else. If your husband doesn't make enough for you to live on, perhaps you should work while your children are in school.

You have put a tremendous strain on our marriage, and it appears that you don't care. I wonder if you even care about your father's health. Well, I care about his health and our marriage, and I know full well that we deserve a life too, so please take responsibility for your own finances and let us enjoy some well-deserved happiness in our life. You are welcome to visit us, but please don't continue being a self-centered sponge. -- STEPMOM IN GEORGIA

DEAR STEPMOM: I doubt your stepdaughter will recognize herself in your letter, and even if she does, she is not likely to cut herself off from Daddy's generosity until he puts his foot down. He may not realize it, but he would be doing her a favor by insisting that she take responsibility for her own life. He won't be around forever to bail her out, so if she learns financial responsibility now rather than when she is forced to face the bill collectors, it will be much easier on her.

Encourage Dad to close his checkbook -- for his daughter's sake as well as your own.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are senior citizens, living on a fixed income. My husband has been sick for several years, so it takes every cent to make ends meet.

Friends of ours who are young and make a good living keep asking to borrow our pickup truck. This is OK with us. However, when they return it, the gas tank is always empty. The least they could do is fill the tank. My husband tells me to be patient, but what has patience got to do with it?

I don't know how much longer I can hold my tongue. What should I do? -- DISGUSTED IN DEMING, N.M.

DEAR DISGUSTED: Don't hold your tongue -- put it to good use. The next time these friends ask to borrow your pickup, tell them only on the condition that they return it with a full tank. You might even go a bit further and suggest that an occasional wash job would be appreciated.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The Alzheimer's Association and other medical sources estimate that nearly 50 percent of people over the age of 85 will suffer from Alzheimer's disease. I believe that spouses of foreign-born men and women, who are part of the 50 percent, will face the added difficulty of communicating with their wives and husbands.

As Alzheimer's disease gradually erases the memory of the patient, starting with the present and going back chronologically to his or her childhood, the use of English or other second languages disappears.

It is important for caregivers who speak only the second language to learn enough of the patient's first language so they can communicate in basic words and phrases. I didn't, and am now faced with the complication of trying to understand the wants and needs of a French-speaking wife. Within the past six months she has regressed from all English to 75 percent French, and the change increases daily. Over the past 50 years, she has often complained that she has lost her French almost entirely. She is as fluent today as she has ever been.

Last week, as my wife started to wake up one morning, I put my arms around her with our heads ear to ear. She thought I was her deceased sister. For 45 minutes she talked (in French) about when they were youngsters, and she mentioned her mother, father, brother, nuns, friends and places they had been. She was feeling such joy! Finally, she drifted back to sleep. When she awakened, she bubbled over with excitement as she told me of the wonderful time she had reminiscing with her sister. Such moments may be rare, but they are unforgettable and treasured.

I deeply regret the years I rationalized that I couldn't pronounce French properly, didn't have time to learn it, didn't need it and saw no future need for it. So, start learning that foreign language now. The younger you are when you begin, the easier and more rapidly you'll become fluent in your spouse's first language. -- RICHARD IN EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR RICHARD: That's valuable advice, regardless of the mental condition of one's spouse. However, the problem you have raised pertaining to people with Alzheimer's disease is a serious one.

Growing numbers of foreign-born seniors in major cities across the country have made it increasingly important that culturally appropriate services reflect changing demographics. Being able to communicate with the patient is crucial for a reliable diagnosis. For everyday care, families need to learn to rely on non-verbal communication -- facial expressions, touch and body language.

How to meet the needs of a diverse and frail population that speaks limited English is an issue of concern in today's caregiving community, and it will become even more so in the future. The Alzheimer's Association can provide caregivers with suggestions to improve communication. The toll-free number is (800) 272-3900.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem I have never seen in your column. My great-grandson who is nearly 10 years old believes in Santa Claus. He says all the kids at school say there isn't any Santa Claus, but he knows there is. He says he can hear him downstairs when he brings his gifts, and he can also hear him coming down the chimney and on the roof.

Abby, this child will be heartbroken when he finds out the truth. My husband and I are dreading for Christmas to come. We just don't know how to handle it. Any suggestions? -- GRANDMA IN SARATOGA SPRINGS, N.Y.

DEAR GRANDMA: The best way to handle any problem is to tell the truth. The Santa Claus story is exciting and believable for very young children, but when they first begin to question if there really IS a Santa Claus, it's time for total honesty.

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Ross" for 13 years. We have never lived together. Shortly before I met him, his business fell on hard times. We agreed (I thought) that once he was financially back on his feet, we'd get married. Well, it's been almost two years since his financial recovery and still no proposal.

Last Christmas, he asked me what I wanted. I told him, "an engagement ring." Needless to say, I didn't get one. When I asked him why, he said he has become disenchanted with marriage. Then he talked about actress Goldie Hawn and producer/actor Kurt Russell's long relationship -- very happily unmarried. Many of Ross' friends and family are either going through divorces or are unhappily married. But I don't understand what this has to do with us. Why should I be penalized?

I have never pressured Ross about marriage. I thought it was only a matter of time. He says he loves me, there's no other woman, and I believe him.

We are still seeing each other exclusively, and I don't want anyone else. But something is missing. We're not "complete." I find myself getting upset with him over many little things. I can't let go of the hurt and disappointment. Am I to blame for allowing this to drag on without a solid commitment from him? What do you think, Abby? -- UNHAPPILY SINGLE IN CINCINNATI

DEAR UNHAPPILY SINGLE: I don't blame you for feeling hurt and disappointed. Ross may be afraid of commitment and is unwilling to take on the legal and financial responsibilities of marriage. Regardless of the reason, what is missing from this relationship is his willingness to make a legal commitment.

There's an old saying, "If you're looking for trout, don't go fishing in a herring barrel." If it's marriage you desire, stop hanging onto a man who is disenchanted with the institution and find one whose values are more in keeping with yours.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the items in your column about the definitions of "elderly," I had to share this:

About 12 years ago, my husband, "Jeff," and I, our two young children and all of Jeff's family gathered for a five-generation dinner. Jeff's great-grandfather, who was 97 years old at the time, was visiting for the first time since our children were born.

Also in attendance was his daughter, my husband's "Grandma Hazel," aged 72.

All of us women were in the kitchen preparing the dinner when I noticed that Grandma Hazel was drinking a soda. In the eight years that I'd known her, I had never seen her drink one. She drank a beer now and then -- but never a soda.

When I commented to Grandma Hazel that I had never seen her drink a soda in all the years I'd known her, I was floored by her reply. She leaned over and whispered, "I know. I had to put my beer into a soda can because Dad doesn't approve of my drinking!" -- YOUNG WHIPPERSNAPPER, ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR WHIPPERSNAPPER: Regardless of age, we're all children in the eyes of our parents and we seek their approval. Evidently, Dad had never approved of Hazel's drinking habits. As the old expression goes, "To get along, you need to go along."

(Everybody has a problem. What's yours? Get it off your chest by writing to Dear Abby, P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, Calif. 90069. For a personal reply, please enclose a stamped, self-addressed envelope.)