DEAR ABBY: I just roared at the letter from "Turkeyless in Arkansas." I couldn't stop laughing, so I sat down and wrote my own version -- from a woman's point of view. It's titled, "Men Are From the Forest; Women Are From the Mall."

Hope you enjoy it. -- ANN IN MANZANITA, ORE.

DEAR ANN: Not only did I enjoy it, so will my readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have the most handsome boyfriend in the world -- and the nicest, I thought, until I realized that "Ben" does not understand or respect my favorite activity: shopping.

Yesterday, my friend and I took Ben shopping with us, so he could understand the appeal. I explained everything to him the night before, but shopping day was a disaster. He was not up at 4:30 to be first in line. He poked around and refused to wear the shopping attire I had given him -- comfortable shoes and a backpack. In the shops, he refused to cooperate. His critical attitude attracted embarrassing attention from other shoppers. To top it all off, when I made a purchase, he would throw up his arms and scream, "Run, Visa Card! Run!"

My friend could not stop laughing. I was so angry I haven't been able to speak to him since. Abby, how could this man be so insensitive to my feelings? Now I am no longer sure this relationship is such a good idea. Ben is good-looking and has a great career, but is this relationship worth saving? I'm not giving up my shopping excursions. -- PURCHASELESS IN OREGON

This is Abby again. I couldn't resist writing an answer.

DEAR PURCHASELESS: If you're been buying what Ben has been "selling" -- how can you call yourself "purchaseless"?

Whatever his masculine appeal might be, Ben is clearly not someone who's likely to develop a love for shopping.

If your ideal man is one who enjoys rising at 4:30 a.m., putting on sensible shoes and carrying a backpack so you don't have to carry your own packages, you are shopping in the wrong department.

Ben may look like a prize -- but he's no bargain. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I couldn't believe your answer to "Turkeyless in Arkansas."

Gwen is being told what to do, when to do it, how to do it and then expected to show respect to the person giving the orders, and you call HER a turkey! I thought the "Me Tarzan, you Jane" mentality was a thing of the past. Nowhere in the letter does the turkey hunter say he asked Gwen if she WANTED to go hunting, and nowhere do I see where he listened to her reply. That brainless turkey hunter needs to quit sniffing his face paint and realize that Gwen is using passive aggression to make the point of her disdain for his sport and his lack of communication skills.

Beauty and an ability to cook are poor reasons upon which to base a relationship. If "Turkeyless" wants a relationship, not only does he need to learn to communicate better and listen, he should look for common interests rather than expecting Gwen to kowtow to his. -- A GROUSE HUNTER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GROUSE HUNTER: Gwen wasn't hog-tied and forced to go along on the turkey hunt. She could have refused the invitation.

The hunter wants a woman with whom to share his love of turkey hunting, and Gwen is definitely not that woman. So, for his purposes, she IS a turkey.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: It was heartwarming to see the letter shortly before Memorial Day from a 13-year-old student who wrote you about a veteran who spoke at her school. He helped all of the students to better understand the significance of the Pledge of Allegiance to our flag. It shows that our young people are concerned about liberty and justice.

I wonder how many Americans pause to consider that the pledge of the flag is really a pledge to the ideals of our forefathers. These men fought and many died to build our great nation.

The Pledge of Allegiance is a pledge to fulfill our duties and obligations as citizens of the United States and to uphold the principles of our Constitution.

As Franklin Delano Roosevelt explained, "It is a pledge to maintain the four great freedoms cherished by all Americans: freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom from want and freedom from fear.

Thank you, Abby, for the many years I have enjoyed your column. You may sign me ... KEN NELSON, SOMIS, CALIF.

DEAR KEN: Although I received your thought-provoking letter a few weeks ago, I couldn't resist saving it to print on Independence Day. It is meaningful to reflect upon the fact that our founding fathers wrote our Constitution after having lived in a monarchy that guaranteed none of these blessed freedoms.

DEAR ABBY: I am a professional musician who makes my living working for the church. As you might imagine, no one gets rich in this line of work, although it has its rewards.

My problem is, in recent months I've been taken advantage of more than once. Some wealthy relatives insisted that I play the organ for their son's wedding. When I offered to play as my gift, they insisted that if I didn't accept payment, they wouldn't let me play. The wedding came and went; everyone else received a thank-you note, but I haven't received payment OR a note of thanks.

In another incident, a couple in my church who have a limited income decided to get married. Since I've known them for quite some time, I offered to play at the wedding for free. To date, I have not received a thank-you note for this gift either.

At the risk of appearing immodest, I am a very good musician, and the music at both weddings was superb. I'm no amateur -- I hold both a bachelor's and master's degree in church music.

Abby, the services of a professional musician normally are in the range of $100 to $300 or more for a wedding. The issue I'm bringing up is not so much the money as the fact that the couples seem to have had so little appreciation for what they received. Apparently my years of practice, experience and expertise are not worth their time to say "thank you." The very least the couples could do when they receive a gift is to send a note of appreciation. Don't you agree? -- MIFFED MUSICIAN IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR MIFFED: Yes, I do. As you said, the very LEAST the couples should do is to send an acknowledgment of your gift; a special thank-you note would be an even more fitting acknowledgment for such a generous gift.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY WOMB-MATE: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SISSY!

For Abby's favorite family recipes, send a long, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Cookbooklet No. 1, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been engaged to a wonderful man for more than two years, and cannot seem to set a wedding date. He loves me and my 9-year-old daughter. He does all of the laundry, the dishes and the cleaning, and he accepts my daughter as his own. He works two jobs so we don't go without anything.

Sounds perfect, right?

The problem is, I don't think I love him. I say that I do, but I don't feel it in my heart. He is all a woman could ask for in a husband, but is that enough to replace love? Or have I read too many romance novels?

He wants to get married as soon as possible. I am 29, have never been married, and I feel my daughter needs a father. I am also afraid I won't find a man who will ever love me as much as he does.

Can I find a man whom I love, who accepts my daughter as his own -- or should I marry a man I don't love, but who would be a wonderful husband and father? -- FOR BETTER OR WORSE

DEAR FOR BETTER: If you marry this man, knowing in your heart that you do not love him, you will be doing yourself and him a great disservice. Marriage is supposed to last forever. And forever is a long time to live with yourself, feeling that you sold out because you were afraid you wouldn't find a man you can love. Let him go.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Hurting in Whittier," I had to write. Your response was excellent, but I would like to tell "Hurting" about my mother.

Mother became a widow at 63. She, too, had deep wrinkles on her face, but no one noticed because she always had a smile and was interested in other people.

Mother's life was not without men. After Dad died, she joined a singles group for older people. There, at age 68, she met a wonderful man. He became my stepfather. When he passed away some years later, she grieved for him for a while, but then decided she wasn't going to stay at home and mope, so she rejoined the singles group and met another nice man with whom she kept company for many years. Then he died. Mom used to joke that it was dangerous to date her because she outlived all the men she had gone with.

Shortly before her death at age 79, she had begun dating yet another man from the singles group.

Abby, the reason for her popularity was not her looks. It was her warm and caring personality. She always made everyone feel she was glad to see them. That was her "secret." All her grandchildren (she had 11) adored her and visited her often. My 20-year-old son took her to Disneyland when she was in her 70s. Like all the grandchildren, he loved being with her.

"Hurting in Whittier" should forget about how she looks and focus on making other people comfortable. She should be glad to see them, offer them a ride, join a club, volunteer for a cause that interests her. She should get out and enjoy life. She may be surprised at the changes that will occur when she changes her point of view. -- STILL MISSING MOM

DEAR STILL MISSING MOM: Your mother exemplified the adage, "It's what's inside that counts." How special she must have been.

I've always believed that there are two kinds of people in the world: those who say, "There you are!" and those who say, "Here I am!" Your mother was definitely one of the "there you are" people. That's the kind everyone is delighted to see.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)