DEAR ABBY: I am an 83-year-old widow and live with my divorced son. We are both in fine health and recently moved to a new community, where we're trying to make friends. I joined a bridge club and have met some very nice women.

One of the members was having trouble assembling some furniture she recently purchased. I offered my son's services to help her (he's very good at this sort of thing). For my sake, my son agreed, and we all settled on 11 a.m. My son and I drove to "Sarah's" and arrived at 10:55 a.m. No one was home. We decided to wait. At 11:15, Sarah drove up. She offered no explanation for being late. My son assembled the piece, Sarah thanked him, and we left.

A couple of weeks later, Sarah called and invited us to lunch as a thank-you for my son's work. Lunch was to be at 11:30. We arrived at 11:25 and, guess what? No one was home! We waited in the car. At 11:40, I wrote a note, "Did you forget you invited us?" I left it on her door and we drove home. When we arrived back home, there was a nasty message on my answering machine. Sarah yelled at us for leaving and called us rude.

When she called a second time, I told her I expected a hostess to open the door when I was invited and had arrived. She replied that we were early and could not expect anyone to be home when we arrived early. She said she had just run to the bank. I pointed out that the bank is open until 6 p.m. and she could have gone after we had lunch. She said maybe it is OK to be early where I come from, but not in this country.

Abby, I was not born here, but I have lived in America for 50 years. I thought I was brought up with good manners, and nobody has ever said my "old country" ways are strange. Am I missing something? -- SURPRISED SONJA

DEAR SURPRISED: No. It's Sarah who's missing something -- common courtesy. A host should be home to greet guests when they arrive, even if they're slightly early. Shame on Sarah.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on something in Donna Williams' letter to you about guests in restaurants. She said, "Guests are our livelihood! Without them, we might as well be dishing out food at a school cafeteria, instead of practicing the fine art of restaurant service, one in which many of us take a great deal of pride."

Abby, I have been employed in school food service for 25 years. In every school cafeteria I have worked, the fine art of service to our customers has been practiced. We, too, take a great deal of pride in our work and in servicing our customers.

I am an assistant manager in one of the largest high schools in Alabama. We serve almost 2,700 students plus faculty and staff. We do not just "dish out" food. We service all our customers in a two-hour shift at eight food bars with a total of 16 to 18 entrees, plus fruits, vegetables, salads, milk and about 15 other beverages. We do take pride in our work, and we do serve good food.

Satisfied customers are as essential to us as they are to restaurants. Remember, if we don't satisfy them, they won't buy from us. I invite Donna Williams to our cafeteria any day, and I'll be happy to treat her to lunch. -- MARGARET SELLERS, BIRMINGHAM, ALA.

DEAR MARGARET: Perhaps when Donna sees your letter, she'll stand corrected. She may harken from a time, as do I, when the choices in the school lunch program were fewer and less imaginative than they are today.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is for "Hot and Tired in Texas," whose father-in-law was upset because her baby was due on his birthday and he didn't want the "competition."

I was born on Dec. 21, my grandfather's birthday. No matter how much love my parents showered on me, I didn't feel "special" because I couldn't have birthday parties that were separate from the Christmas rush. Few parents wanted to take the time to haul their children to a kid's birthday party, many families were out of town, etc.

My grandfather, Alvin Johnson, was a simple, hard-working man who never said much. He wasn't a big talker. But he stood bravely and lovingly by his wife for eight years as she battled, and finally succumbed, to breast cancer.

When I was 15, my father and I went on our weekly visit to see my grandfather. That afternoon, he wasn't up to our usual visit to his favorite restaurant. Dad was worried about him, but he went on to the restaurant to pick up Grandpa's favorite pie. After Dad left, Grandpa walked to the window and stared out. I joined him, and we stood in silence together.

Finally, he turned and really looked at me. Very slowly, he said, "You were the best birthday present I ever got." I was stunned. He had never said anything so sweet to me. When Father returned, we had pie and ice cream with my grandfather for the last time. He died four days later. Abby, his words were the most meaningful birthday present I ever received. I have since learned to love and cherish my birthday. I hope "Hot and Tired's" father-in-law will learn that sharing a birthday with a family member is special, and that a healthy grandchild born on any day is a blessing. -- MINDY JOHNSON, SANTA MONICA, CALIF.

DEAR MINDY: Your letter touched my heart. Your grandfather's special words to you were, indeed, a priceless gift.

"Hot and Tired's" father-in-law has a lot of growing up to do. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Hot and Tired's" father-in-law should be ashamed. If you print my letter, I hope everyone he knows sends him a copy.

I'd be thrilled to share any day of the year with my granddaughter, but that's not possible. On Easter of this year, my beautiful granddaughter was stillborn due to a rare and undetected umbilical cord problem. My daughter had no complications during her pregnancy, so our loss was sudden and unexpected.

Maybe "Tired's" father-in-law would like to trade places with us: We'll go to the party next year, and he can visit the cemetery. -- RAVEN'S GRANNIE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR GRANNIE: My heartfelt sympathy for the tragic stillbirth of your granddaughter. I, too, hope "Hot and Tired's" father-in-law sees your letter. Perhaps it will help him reorganize his priorities.

Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have two daughters from a biracial marriage. My older daughter, Sakura, was born the same day as her Japanese grandfather. My younger daughter, Mari, shares a birthday with her American grandfather. Both grandfathers were not only delighted, but amazed because they are both mathematicians, and they say the odds of this happening were astronomical and heaven-sent.

If these two men, who fought on opposing sides during World War II, can see eye-to-eye on the joys of life and God's good graces, why can't the guy in Texas do likewise? -- GERRY CHRISTMAS (MY REAL NAME), CARRBORO, N.C.

DEAR GERRY: Right on! What a perceptive observation!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Most of us know that people 65 years of age and older need a "flu" (influenza) shot every year. Soon we will see lines of senior citizens waiting to get their flu shots at grocery stores, banks and community centers. Many more seniors will go to their own private doctor to get protection against the influenza virus that kills an average of 20,000 people every year in the United States.

But where are the young people? Millions of people under 65 have certain medical conditions for which flu shots are strongly recommended. Please, Abby, urge your younger readers, including your pregnant readers, to read on and get ready to roll up their sleeves, too!

Flu shots are now recommended every fall for pregnant women who will be beyond the first trimester of pregnancy (14 weeks) during influenza season. Flu shots are also strongly recommended for people of any age who have medical problems such as heart or lung disease, diabetes, kidney disease, asthma, weak immune systems, and for those who live with or provide care for these individuals. Nursing home residents should get flu shots, too, and most do. Flu shots can be given to any person (6 months of age or older) who wants to reduce the likelihood of becoming ill with influenza this season.

While your readers are requesting their flu shots, they should also ask their physicians if they need a "pneumococcal shot." Pneumococcal disease kills up to 40,000 people each year in the United States. A one-time pneumococcal shot is recommended for everyone 65 and older, yet fewer than one-third of these adults have been vaccinated against this disease. This vaccine, like influenza vaccine, is also recommended for many younger people who have certain medical conditions.

Abby, please tell your readers the best time to get their flu shots is in October or November. And let's hope that this year's potential victims of influenza and pneumococcal disease will roll up their sleeves and get the vaccines that can save their lives! -- DEBORAH L. WEXLER, M.D., EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, IMMUNIZATION ACTION COALITION, ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR DR. WEXLER: National Adult Immunization Week begins Oct. 11 and runs through the 16th, so I'm pleased to print your reminder.

While I'm on the subject, I'd like to dispel a myth about flu shots. People do NOT get the flu from flu shots. The virus in flu shots has been killed or inactivated.

Readers who are most vulnerable to the flu should roll up their sleeves and line up -- behind me! (I had my pneumococcal vaccination two years ago -- the vaccination is good for a lifetime for healthy adults 65 and older.)

DEAR ABBY: When are you going to get through your thick head the proper status of a tip?

By contract law, a tip is a gift, although tax laws make it an exception to the exception. To request or expect a tip is nothing more nor less than mooching.

Payment of an adequate wage is the responsibility of management and not of the customer. We should patronize establishments that proudly display a sign "Our Help Are Paid Adequate Wages. Tipping Is Not a Courtesy Here. It Is an Insult." -- MOST SINCERELY YOURS, ROLLIE F. EMMITT JR., RETIRED ATTORNEY, PITTSBURG, KAN.

DEAR MR. EMMITT: I respectfully disagree. Although a gratuity is discretionary, tipping is a fact of life in our culture, and many servers rely upon tips to survive. The next time you go to a restaurant, chew on that a while.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)