DEAR ABBY: This is to comment on your advice to "Emotionally Bruised," whose mother is super-critical. Do not assume that a calm, mature approach will make a difference. Years ago, I read advice similar to your reply to her in a magazine.

"Mom," I said, at an appropriate moment, "it hurts me when you say things like that." She gave me one of her exasperated sighs, and glared at me. "You were always so sensitive!" she said.

It is well known that the abuser turns the fault back onto the victim. Now my sister -- less sensitive, I guess -- wonders why I don't feel guilt for my absence. -- STILL BRUISED IN WASHINGTON

DEAR STILL BRUISED: That letter touched a nerve with many readers, who felt my answer did not go far enough. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Although you were right that "Emotionally Bruised" should tell her mother how she feels, it may not resolve the problem. I followed that advice, and what followed was Mom calling me for several days, crying and saying I had "misinterpreted" what she had said. The same pattern occurred again and again. If I spoke up, the crying began.

Sometimes you have to protect yourself from your own mother. You may have to accept that she will never change, so distance yourself. No one should have to take abuse. Continue to visit, but when she starts her lectures, say, "Sorry, Mom, I have to go," then make your exit and don't look back. -- FREER AND HAPPIER NOW

DEAR FREER: Call me an optimist, but I thought confronting the offending parent and explaining how the criticisms made her feel might be enough. There is no "one size fits all" answer to a problem like this, because some families are more dysfunctional than others. However, I would recommend avoiding the parent only as a last resort. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My mother also constantly insulted me. I never lived up to her standards. She disliked my friends, one in particular because her brother had gotten into trouble. My girlfriend never got into trouble. I never did, either. I never even smoked or drank.

I was always told that I'd be a failure and would never graduate from high school. Not only did I graduate, but I went on to two business schools, and was on the President's List and the honor roll.

When I met the man I eventually married, Mom hated him and made no bones about it. She tried to break us up whenever we visited her, and called on the telephone and tried to start something. When I learned it was impossible for me to have children, she blamed me for it. She said if I lost weight, I would be able to give her grandkids. I never could convince her otherwise.

My mother was always "disowning" me. Many times I tried to keep us together, but one day, I'd had it. She disowned me -- and I never went back. Since then, my life has improved dramatically. For the first time in my life, I had peace. I used to do a lot of crying, but that stopped, too.

Mother is dead now, and finally we are both at peace. -- FREE AT LAST IN VIRGINIA

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DEAR ABBY: I met the most wonderful lady about eight years ago. I'll call her "Evy." We've been going together ever since. About seven years ago, I proposed marriage and she said yes, but we are still not married. She makes excuses one after another that "things come up." She had a very bad marriage with an alcoholic husband who abused her. He died about 20 years ago. We're both in our later years.

Abby, I love Evy very much. She's been on public assistance for many years, and I have been helping her financially. The problem is, the financial aid I'm giving her has become quite a burden. It has escalated a lot.

Evy tells me she loves me and that we'll be together eventually, but it doesn't happen. I don't want to lose her, but I can't go on this way anymore. She lives with her sister, and to put it bluntly, I can no longer maintain two households. Neither Evy nor her sister works, and I see no way for me other than putting an end to being a good Samaritan. I'm very frustrated and would appreciate your comments. -- NEEDS LOVE AND COMPANIONSHIP

DEAR NEEDS LOVE: It's time to put away your checkbook and move on. You have waited long enough and given far too much. If you and Evy were meant to be married, it would have happened a long time ago.

DEAR ABBY: I was struck by the letter from a woman who felt she wasn't coping well with empty-nest syndrome. She said she had been to her local bookstore and had asked the clerk to help her find a book on the subject. The clerk was unable to direct her to what she needed, and was somewhat flip regarding the woman's personal distress.

Abby, please remind your readers to use their local public library. Bookstores are wonderful places, but bookstores are just what the name implies: stores. Bookstores stock what will sell. Many times when a book is no longer popular, bookstores will no longer stock it.

Libraries are collections of information. Today's libraries contain a wealth of information, developed to help people meet their personal informational, educational and recreational needs. Most are free of charge, with their services available to anyone who walks through the door.

Abby, you wouldn't recommend that people seek counseling from a non-professional. Well, locating information is the same. Librarians are trained information specialists. Please remind people to ask the librarian if they cannot find what they need. Thank you! -- DONNA R. BERRYMAN, FARMINGTON, MINN.

DEAR DONNA: You're welcome. Readers, if you're shopping for information, your local library is an excellent place to begin.

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'WISH THERE WAS A WAY': Don't give up.

"Where the heart is willing, it will find a thousand ways;

"Where it is unwilling, it will find a thousand excuses." (Arlen Price)

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DEAR ABBY: I need some advice about how to talk to my father. I'm getting married soon and do not want him to give me away at the wedding ceremony.

He left when I was about 2 years old and came back into the picture again when I was 16. The man who was more like a father to me, and still is, is my grandfather. He is the person I would like to ask to give me away.

I haven't been able to come up with a diplomatic way of telling my father how I feel. I'm not even sure I want him at my wedding. He knows I don't value him as a daughter should value a father and has made several attempts to redeem himself in my eyes. However, I am far from impressed.

Since I am sadly lacking communication skills, will you please help me? -- LISA IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LISA: You communicate your feelings better than you think you do. May I suggest a compromise? Ask both your father and your grandfather to walk you down the aisle, one on each arm. There is no reason to hurt either man on your special day. In years to come you will be happy you made the gesture. The alternative is to walk down the aisle alone.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Still Crying in Fairmont," whose fiance, "Mike," rejected her after she had spent a year caring for his sick mother, really hit home with me. I was asked to come to Colorado from the Northwest to help a man who had some development property. "Cary's" affairs were in a mess. He hired me, and I tried to straighten everything out. He promised to pay me after everything was taken care of. Like Mike, Cary pledged eternal fidelity and promised we'd have a wonderful life together. I worked long hours every day for six years for him.

Cary received some death threats, and I even risked my life for him. I protected him because I believed him. I spent 18 months in prison because I refused to testify against him. Guess what? When I was released, I came home and found he was living with another woman! He told me he had never cared about me, and has since tried to make me look like the bad guy.

I have cried a bucket of tears and am ashamed for having been taken in. My life has been torn apart, and I ended up with post-traumatic stress syndrome. I finally realized that Cary has done this to people all his life. Well, enough was enough! I sued him for what he owes me. No judgment has been rendered, but I do have a trial date.

Abby, men like Mike and Cary are the worst criminals of all. Not only do they take everything you have, they break your heart.

I have been sick emotionally and physically, and cannot seem to get over it and have turned to God for his guidance. -- DEVASTATED IN DENVER

DEAR DEVASTATED: You have my sympathy. There is give- and-take in all relationships, but it's supposed to be a two-way street. It's clear from your letter that you did all the giving and Cary did all the taking.

I'm pleased that you are finding comfort in God. I can't think of a more potent combination than God and a good lawyer. I hope you nail the buzzard.

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