DEAR ABBY: "Flower Fans" had a good idea in sending a "thinking of you" card a week after a funeral, and a flower arrangement a month later, but may I suggest that you don't stop there? It's comforting to know that others are going through those difficult "firsts" with you.

How about a card in mid-November pledging thoughts and prayers for that first holiday season with an empty place at the festive table? If a parent was lost, a note before Mother's or Father's Day can help them get past the store displays of cards they can no longer send. Especially for the loss of a child, send a card just before the absent one's birthday. The first anniversary of a loved one's death should be commemorated.

Cards should carry a simple, encouraging tone. Notes need not be elaborate. Just say, "I'm thinking of you at this time," share a happy memory of the departed that is associated with the occasion, or say something such as, "Your daddy would have been so proud of you today." Although flowers, lunch and service are an important way of showing you care, a card can be read in the middle of the night when sleep won't come, or read again on a lonely morning. Words on a page can be wrapped around you like a warm hug, reminders that you care.

Our modern times are often hectic, and it's all too easy to forget another's quiet grief in the hustle of our own lives, but I have found that by marking reminders all through the calendar, I can keep our friends' needs in mind as the months go by. As the saying goes, "A joy shared is multiplied; grief shared is grief divided." -- SUSIE IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR SUSIE: You have offered some excellent suggestions for supporting friends and family who have lost a loved one. It's an unpleasant part of life that many people do not want to dwell on. However, it's worth remembering that anyone can be a friend when things are rosy; the time when friendship is needed most is when they're not.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Lost in Love" brought to mind a quote I read somewhere years ago. I don't recall the source. It pertains to both of the quotes you used in your reply.

"Distance is to love what wind is to a flame. If it is a little flame, the wind will blow it out. If it is a big flame, the wind will fan it and make it grow hotter." --STANLEY J. POPLAWSKI, CARLSTADT, N.J.

DEAR STANLEY: Of course, whether a long-distance romance can survive would depend on the individuals involved. Several readers have informed me that courting by mail actually helped them to know each other better, with less "distraction" than a typical dating relationship. However, I think much depends upon their ages and their level of commitment.

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DEAR ABBY: The last time you mentioned SPAY/USA in your column, we received about 15,000 telephone calls in three weeks. SPAY/USA helps people locate veterinarians or programs with affordable spay-neuter services for cats and dogs. Because you printed the letter in the winter, before litter season, the births of several hundred thousand unwanted pups and kittens were prevented. Most of them would have ended up on the streets or in shelters -- not in permanent homes.

During 1999 we are making a special effort to reach people who are still resisting, still procrastinating, still not making the time or effort to get their cats and dogs to the vet to be spayed/neutered and vaccinated. Abby, if we can reach that hard-core 1 percent of pet owners, we can prevent the killing of 6 million surplus cats and dogs in this country.

Our campaign is called "Start Targeting One-Percenters" (S.T.O.P.). Readers who want to help -- or who have cats or dogs to "fix" -- can call (800) 248-SPAY (7729). Our phone counselors will give them information on the nearest participating vet, clinic or program. Thank you, Abby, for caring. -- ESTHER MECHLER, SPAY/USA, A PROGRAM OF THE PET-SAVERS FOUNDATION

DEAR ESTHER: The fact that only 1 percent of irresponsible pet owners are the cause of the destruction of 6 million innocent animals is certain to leave animal lovers aghast. Dogs and cats that are not intended for breeding should be spayed or neutered. This eliminates the risk of ovarian or testicular cancer, reduces the risk of prostate disorders, and eliminates the urge for the pet to wander and "mark its territory." Readers, spring is upon us, and with it, thousands of unwanted litters -- so please don't delay getting your pets spayed or neutered.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter in your column from the guy who complained about the freeloading guest. He and his roommates might want to seek the advice of a lawyer before taking any action.

I found myself in a similar situation and decided to get legal advice before changing the locks, etc. I was shocked to find that according to the law, my unwanted guest was now my "tenant" and I her "landlord." In order to get her out, I would be required to take her to court and evict her -- a 60-day process -- during which time she could remain in my home, placing me and my possessions at risk!

Another option my lawyer suggested was that I move out, and let my landlord evict her. Of course, that would mean I'd lose my deposit, ruin my credit, and leave myself open to a lawsuit from my landlord.

It took a month, but I tricked her into moving. I quit buying food, blocked all but local calls on my phone and disconnected the cable TV. I told her I had to move because my landlord had sold the house. I packed everything I own, but moved only a few of the valuables for safekeeping.

We now have a new rule at our house -- no temporary houseguests. -- BEEN THERE IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Your letter, viewed from a legal perspective, is certainly an eye-opener. After reading it, many hospitable souls may be tempted to roll up their welcome mats.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was shocked by how you missed the boat regarding "Ex-Mistress in Chicago's" purported plea for forgiveness for her adultery. "Ex-Mistress" went to great lengths to point out how she was lied to and strung along, and how she didn't get what she wanted out of the affair, before she finally offered a clearly insincere apology to the wife of her ex-lover for the pain caused by the wife finding out about the affair.

Infidelity is wrong, Abby. It's not wrong because it didn't give the cheater what she wanted, or because a wronged spouse found out about it. It's the act itself that's wrong. The pain caused to the innocent parties involved, or the perpetrator's disappointment with the results, is merely a foreseeable byproduct of this wrong.

You had an opportunity to point this out to "Ex-Mistress" and the many morally challenged dimwits like her, and you missed it. -- DAVE IN EUGENE, ORE.

DEAR DAVE: Everybody knows that infidelity is wrong. If it hadn't been occurring since before Moses climbed Mount Sinai, it wouldn't have been mentioned in the Ten Commandments. That it's still going on today should be a clue that many people consider themselves "exceptions" to the rule. Condemning infidelity as "wrong" will turn fewer people from infidelity than illustrating for them that it does not work. "Ex-Mistress in Chicago's" letter was a clear example. Read on for another:

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from the woman who fell into the trap of a married man. It happened to me, too. I was 21 and recovering from a very difficult divorce, trying to adjust to the fact I'd be raising a child alone. I felt I'd never be happy again, when I was introduced to "John."

John was brilliant, outgoing, handsome and very wealthy. He wined and dined me like I never dreamed possible. A couple of weeks after meeting me, he flew his private jet to Florida where I was visiting my parents and took me to a fabulous restaurant. I fell head over heels. He surprised me with a beautiful diamond bracelet for my birthday and made countless promises over the months. He kept the fact he was married a secret. By the time I found out, I was too much in love to break it off. We lived in different states, so it was easy for him to keep things hidden.

One night, I invited "Cynthia," one of my girlfriends, to join us for dinner. We had a great time, and enjoyed many other outings together with her and her boyfriend. This lasted a year and a half, until things with John began to fall apart. Last weekend I found out that Cynthia had gone away skiing with John. My heart is crushed. I've never been so hurt in my life. I love John more than life itself, but apparently he doesn't feel the same. I'm in tears as I type this, Abby.

Please print this so maybe they'll read it and see the damage they have caused. Please help me. -- DROWNING IN TEARS

DEAR DROWNING: The damage they have caused you? If you think you're hurting, imagine how John's wife must feel as the wife of a serial philanderer. You're learning a tough lesson, my dear. Your affair with John reminds me of the frog who was asked by a scorpion to ferry it across the river on its back. "No," the frog replied. "If I take you, you'll sting me and I'll die." The scorpion swore a solemn oath that he would not sting, so the frog started to take him across the river. When they reached the middle, the scorpion stung the frog viciously. "Why did you sting me?" cried the dying frog. "Now we'll both die." The scorpion replied, "It's my nature!"

The next time you find out a man is married, do the intelligent thing: Disengage your heart and run in the opposite direction.

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