Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: Recently one of my dearest friends, "Mary Helen," was forced to perform CPR on her brother "Bill" when he collapsed at their parents' home. Unfortunately, Bill died, and Mary Helen was left wondering if she had somehow performed the CPR incorrectly.

Right after the funeral, a "friend" interrogated Mary Helen about the precise method she used during the CPR. This "friend" then announced that Mary Helen had done it wrong, confirming her worst fear -- that she was responsible for Bill's death. Needless to say, she took the news very hard and blamed herself.

Several weeks later, a doctor told Mary Helen her brother had been suffering from a form of heart failure. Unfortunately Bill had mistaken his symptoms for the flu. After much discussion, the doctor insisted that Mary Helen had performed the CPR correctly, and even if Bill had been in the hospital, his death was inevitable.

Abby, please tell those well-meaning individuals who judge those of us who "fail" at performing CPR to hold their tongues. We don't need a guilt trip. My CPR efforts failed when my husband had a heart attack several years ago. I was 31 years old when I performed CPR with all my might in my nightgown on the floor of our bedroom while our small children slept down the hall. There are people who wondered aloud if I had done everything I could to revive him.

Mary Helen and I already know what it is to lose sleep asking ourselves: "Did I count the breaths wrong? Should I have pushed harder or faster? Is it my fault he died?"

The death of a loved one is hard enough -- but it's even worse when you've tried to do everything right, and someone says you did something wrong, implying the death was your fault. Thank you, Abby, for allowing me to vent. -- EILEEN IN PORT ANGELES, WASH.

DEAR EILEEN: Even when CPR is performed by a trained professional, it doesn't always save lives. You and Mary Helen should have been praised for your efforts rather than chastised because they didn't succeed. Time and again, studies have shown that any CPR efforts are better than none. Be secure in the knowledge that you made every possible effort to save your loved ones when you didn't hesitate to get involved.

Bottom line: Learning CPR is an investment of time everyone should make.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife and I were childhood sweethearts. We divorced 20 years ago because we couldn't see eye-to-eye on anything. However, since our divorce, we've become friends.

During our marriage, we acquired a sizable collection of unique timepieces. When we divorced, I received "custody" of the collection. I am now considering giving my ex-wife one of the timepieces in the collection as a gift.

I know a present is a present and shouldn't have "strings" attached, but is there any way I can give her one of the clocks with the stipulation that it must be passed on to one of our grandchildren? -- GOING CUCKOO IN CHALMETTE, LA.

DEAR GOING CUCKOO: Since you and your ex-wife are now friends, and this collection once belonged to both of you, discuss it with her to make sure that the future of the collection is something on which you can see eye-to-eye. If it isn't, give her another gift, and leave the collection to your grandchildren in your will.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter this morning about "Al," the lineman who works for the utility company, I had to write.

My husband worked for Southern California Edison for 31 years. I worked for a school district. We both saw the way many people use their sick leave. My husband noticed that the younger workers felt the days were theirs to use whether they were sick or well, and they always used all the sick days each year for whatever they wanted.

Companies do not give sick-leave days for that purpose. You are supposed to be sick. Poor Al appears to be honest and needs to understand that he's paying the price for the dishonesty of other employees. It's a shame it has to be that way for those who have integrity. -- LAURA JEAN IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LAURA JEAN: I agree. Conscientious employees should not have to pay the price for a few malingerers in the workplace. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A visit to the doctor is not always feasible, and finding a new job may be difficult for Al the lineman. But there is something he and his co-workers can do to change the way the company treats its employees. They can join a union!

With a good union contract and a strong grievance procedure, the workers will be protected against bad health and safety practices, have job security and be treated with respect. -- MIRIAM PANGER LUDWIG, RETIRED UNION MEMBER

DEAR MIRIAM: You could be right. However, Al's wife said her husband works for one of the largest electrical utility companies in the country. It's safe to assume they are already unionized. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You are probably going to get a lot of flak about your answer to "Lineman's Worried Wife" about his sick leave. There are laws protecting employees' sick-leave rights. You should have asked a professional for advice on the question.

The lineman and his wife should first check the employee handbook (if his company has one). It will state what is expected of an employee regarding doctors' excuses, and their rights under the law. The lineman's sick leave may also be covered under the Family and Medical Leave Act (FMLA) of 1993. In addition, most states have their own family- and medical-leave acts.

Abby, answers like "There is nothing to be done except consider finding a job with a different company" set the fair work standards back about 20 years. I hope the lineman hasn't given up his job based on your advice. -- LESLIE DUNAWAY, EMPLOYEE RELATIONS REP

DEAR LESLIE: I've indeed received a bale of mail regarding that letter and my reply. Thank you for sharing your expertise. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Many companies now require employees to bring notes from their doctor when taking sick days. If employees would not abuse sick days, the companies would not be so strict. -- LISA IN NEVADA

DEAR LISA: That's an astute observation. One reader related an experience he'd had with an employee who was repeatedly out sick, but always showed up with a printed and properly filled-out physician's certificate. One of the supervisors began wondering about the repeated absences and called the county medical association to locate the doctor whose name was printed on the certificate. Lo and behold -- there was no such doctor! The innovative young man had gone to a print shop and had forms created for his own use. Guess what happened next?

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband is scaring me to death. He frequently puts our two children in dangerous situations, and sometimes they get hurt. Last summer he let them "play" with an ax, and my daughter ended up with a gash in her leg that required a trip to the emergency room for stitches. My son has fallen off a roof and received a concussion because my husband allowed him to play there.

Last week, I caught my husband pulling our trampoline over to a one-story shed so our children could jump off it onto the trampoline. Abby, trampolines are dangerous enough without the added "boost."

When I voiced my opinion, he said I should not question his parenting. He always says that, and continues to place them in danger. I have no family close by to help me stand up to him, and he refuses to go for counseling. He says a walk in the park does him more good. What should I do? -- TOO MANY E.R. VISITS, ASHLAND, ORE.

DEAR TOO MANY: A parent is supposed to have common sense and mature judgment; however, your husband must have been absent when those traits were handed out. Since you have no family nearby to help you stand up to him, and he refuses counseling, I urge you to go without him. Your therapist will be your ally and help you to find the strength to do what you must.

There are laws against child endangerment. Before your husband again places the children in jeopardy, pick up the phone and call Child Protective Services. You'll find them in the phone book.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, "Sylvia," recently attended a housewarming hosted by one of the teachers at the middle school where she is employed. (I'll call the woman Grace.) Grace married a year ago, and she and her new husband have built a lovely new home with three bathrooms.

Grace took everyone on a tour of the house. Sylvia told me that there were camellias floating in the toilet of the master bath. Grace explained that it was a "subtle" way to discourage guests from using their bathroom instead of the guest bathrooms. Sylvia thought it was a clever idea.

Abby, I think it was rude and ridiculous. When you open your home to guests, you open all of it. How can you show someone your master bedroom and bath, and then not allow them to use it if the others are occupied?

What is your opinion on this matter? -- GRACIOUS HOSTESS IN MAINE

DEAR GRACIOUS HOSTESSS: I vote with you; the idea was all wet.

DEAR ABBY: I believe I have a positive solution to the dilemma facing "Uncertain in Florida," who thinks her mother-in-law is too old, frail and hard-of-hearing to care for the new baby.

Abby, she should hire a baby sitter and have her mother-in-law there, too. This would benefit both the grandchildren and Grandma by keeping them involved with each other. The baby sitter could supply the "muscle" and Grandma the love. -- IT WORKED FOR ME IN L.A.

DEAR WORKED FOR ME: Why didn't I think of that? Thank you for an excellent suggestion.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)