DEAR ABBY: My "Aunt Maude," whom I dearly love, visits me once a month to do some shopping -– in my pantry. She lives 40 miles away and comes over with a shopping bag she fills with canned goods as well as paper products.

My husband is furious about it, and remarked that if Aunt Maude was in financial distress, there would be no problem. However, she owns rental properties and is financially secure. He calls her a parasite and a vulture for taking advantage of a younger relative with a heart of gold. He has threatened many times to put a lock on the pantry door to prevent such thievery, and he finally did, installing a strong lock and keeping the keys.

During her next visit, Aunt Maude, after making some small talk, went to the pantry only to find it locked and barred to her. In short order, she said she had to visit another relative and left. Now she refuses to visit me.

Abby, I know what she was doing was wrong, but she did bring me news of the family and I enjoyed her company. What can I do to repair the damage and make her feel at home, without her grabbing the goodies from my pantry? My husband told me the minute he hears she's on the way to visit us, the pantry door will be locked again. Any advice? –- SAD NIECE, SAN ANTONIO

DEAR SAD NIECE: If coming into the house of relatives and raiding the pantry is considered acceptable behavior in your family, you should make that clear to your husband. If it's not, then it's time you opened your own direct line of communication with your relatives so that you no longer have to "ransom" news of them from your dysfunctional aunt.

You might send her a gift basket filled with the kinds of goodies she's been stealing from your pantry, and hope she'll accept your conciliatory gesture -– but I can't guarantee the result.

DEAR ABBY: We have a question about what to say when we take our adult children and their spouses out to dinner when we visit them in another state. These people range in age from 39 to 55 and have been on their own for years.

We don't appreciate it when they order more than one cocktail before dinner, so what could we say that would be nonconfrontational, but convey to them that we don't want to support their drinking habit? -– DEVOTED PARENTS, SOMEWHERE

DEAR DEVOTED PARENTS: There is no need to be confrontational. Simply tell your "children" before dinner that you will pay for only one round of drinks –- and after that, if they choose to imbibe, they should ask for a separate check.

DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more comment concerning "unattended" children?

I was co-owner of an antique store. My partners and I decided to put up a sign that read, "All Unattended Children Will Be Given a Free Kitten."

Abby, the look of panic on the parents' faces was priceless! We had some tiny fabric kittens that we gave the children who wanted one -– and we got a lot of laughs from it. –- FAITHFUL READER, SMALL TOWN, TEXAS

DEAR FAITHFUL READER: I think you came up with a purr-fect solution, and it's certainly friendlier than the sign other readers reported: "Unattended Children Will Be Sold as Slaves."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: On a recent trip back East, my father reunited with his childhood sweetheart and is now seeking a divorce after 32 years of marriage to my mother. Apparently my father has never gotten over this woman and had pined away for her since the day he married my mother.

The trouble is, he feels the need to tell everyone (including friends, family, strangers and my new boyfriend) about his dilemma in complete detail. He goes on and on about how terrible my mother is, why he needs to leave her and be with this other woman, etc.

How can I approach my father on the subject of appropriateness? I would like to tell him to put a lid on it, but then he pouts because he feels I'm not "supporting" him. Have you any suggestions, Abby? He doesn't need to be airing our family laundry in such detail with each and every person he encounters. -– THROWN FOR A LOOP IN L.A.

DEAR THROWN FOR A LOOP: Tell him exactly what you have told me and don't mince any words, because you are absolutely right. Also, don't count on muzzling the old dog. He's trying to justify throwing away his marriage and abandoning the wife he "tolerated" for 32 years. And frankly, he's only making himself look bad.

DEAR ABBY: I have a beautiful, brilliant daughter who has graduated with three degrees and high honors, but she seems to have no common sense.

She was engaged to her high school boyfriend, whom we all loved, then ditched him to date his friend. She gave up several excellent jobs, always landing on her feet, dated several men we all disapproved of, almost married a physical abuser (who, thankfully, dumped her just before the wedding), traveled all over the U.S.A. and Europe, and returned to another wonderful job.

She now lives with a slob, 15 years younger than herself, with no future and no money. He looks like an unmade bed with long dirty hair. I am mystified about how she can possibly introduce this person to her co-workers or others, ignoring the embarrassment to all of us. What is going on here? We had a huge blowup, and she now refuses to speak to me. -– HER LOVING MOTHER

DEAR LOVING MOTHER: Your daughter appears to be experienced, accomplished and successful at almost everything she has attempted. Apparently she is happy with this man, so he must be doing something right.

If you are truly a loving mother, be less critical of what you perceive to be his shortcomings and concentrate on the fact that he makes your daughter happy. Although you are well-intentioned, this is a choice that only she should make –- and she has made it.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman who was uncomfortable about using her father-in-law as her OB/GYN prompts this letter. "Uncomfortable" posed a question I often receive at the South Carolina Board of Medical Examiners from practicing physicians.

It would be unprofessional and unethical for the father-in-law of "Uncomfortable" to serve as her physician, according to the American Medical Association Council on Ethical and Judicial Affairs.

If her father-in-law treats her, his license could well be subject to disciplinary action by his state medical board, and if he does so against her will, it SHOULD be. The father-in-law has only one ethical alternative: Decline to treat "Uncomfortable." –- AARON J.KOZLOSKI, J.D., M.P.A., BOARD ADMINISTRATOR

DEAR AARON: If my prior column on the subject did not settle the question, I'm certain that your letter will put the matter to rest. Thank you for your expert opinion.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a teacher. One of the first things I tell students when we discuss examinations is, "Answer the question!" Your reply to the question, "Why is it OK to be a racist if you're black?" had nothing to do with the question. Want to try again? -– CINCINNATI EDUCATOR

DEAR CINCINNATI: All right. Racism is never "OK," regardless of the skin color of the bigot. Not all people are alike, and it is ignorant to assume that you can prejudge a person because of skin color. You can't. There are no shortcuts. You have to get to know people before you can make intelligent judgments about them. To do otherwise is narrow-minded and shortsighted.

The letter from "My Kid's Mom" generated some thought-provoking responses. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am now retired, but during my 33 years of teaching American history at four universities, my primary research field was the history of race relations in the United States. One of my books, "The Arrogance of Faith: Christianity and Race in America From the Colonial Era to the Twentieth Century" (Knopf, 1990), was selected for the Cleveland Foundation's Anisfield-Wolf Award, and the publisher nominated it for a Pulitzer Prize.

Racism is a complex idea and can mean different things to different people. The definition that has worked best for me is: "A belief in an innate inequality among races, and conduct in accordance with that belief." Civil rights laws can control conduct but they cannot legislate belief. Changing beliefs comes only with education, and that takes time.

"My Kid's Mom" said her daughter wondered why it "... is OK to be racist if you're black." Well, it's NOT OK. Discrimination by blacks toward whites is no more acceptable than the reverse, but it might be helpful if more people understood why it exists.

I know of no dark-skinned people who believe they are innately superior to light-skinned people, at least not those living in Western societies. But for five centuries, Europeans (and later Americans), driven by religious beliefs and supported by economic and military superiority, systematically oppressed –- including enslavement and extermination –- the aboriginal populations of undeveloped cultures. Today, dark-skinned people have the power to retaliate. As long as white racism exists, they will exercise that power. -– FORREST G. WOOD, BAKERSFIELD, CALIF.

DEAR FORREST: The subject of bigotry is an emotional one for me, and I thank you for putting it into a scholarly perspective. I agree with your conclusion. Viewed from a historical perspective, reverse racism is understandable. But that doesn't make it any the less unfortunate. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: As a proud African-American man, father and citizen, I wish to respond to the letter from "My Kid's Mom." There is no racism in the African-American community in the United States. What you see is the anguish of being black in a white country. What whites see as racism is, in reality, the pain of being discriminated against on a daily basis because of our color. It's a defense mechanism in order to be ready for any contingency that arises.

Oppressed people do what they have to do for survival in a hostile and unfriendly, dangerous country like we have here in America. I teach my kids to be tough and smart, for a black person is always surrounded by whites with racist attitudes. Never let your guard down. -– THOMAS ANTHONY JONES SR. IN GEORGIA

DEAR THOMAS: You have laid it on the line, and the message is clear. However, I recall a wonderful statement attributed to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: "We may have come here on different ships, but we're all in the same boat." Wise words, indeed!

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