DEAR ABBY: "Angry Arizona Mom" hates to make waves when her in-laws give her sons sips of alcohol. I, too, didn't make waves when my stepfather taught my younger son and nephew to smoke. I wanted the boys to have a good relationship with their grandfather. Today, they both smoke, and although they talk of quitting, they can't because they are so severely hooked.

I also said nothing when my brother and sister were slipping off during family parties to smoke a joint. As a result, I sent my own children the message that smoking joints was OK. My nephew ended up having his stomach pumped to save him from an overdose of drugs, and my son was discharged from military service due to his addiction to drugs.

I have finally wised-up, Abby. I have laid down the law to protect my grandchildren. If I had it to do over again, I would draw the line sooner. Parents must stand up for what is right. Hurting the feelings of in-laws is a small price to pay for protecting one's children. -- SADDER BUT WISER IN FLORIDA

DEAR WISER: I'm pleased you finally found the conviction to speak out for what you know is right. Children cannot be expected to know what they haven't been taught. That's why adults are supposed to make mature decisions even if they're not always popular. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I must respond to "Angry Mom in Arizona," whose father-in-law allows his young grandchildren to take "sips" of his beer.

I am a 37-year-old male writing from the Hillsborough County Jail in Tampa, Fla. I am here because of a fourth DUI (driving under the influence) arrest -- the result of 20 years of alcohol abuse.

Abby, I was brought up to sip from my dad's and uncles' beers. I vividly remember the first time I got drunk. I was 5. I honestly believe it triggered something in my body. I loved the taste.

Forget the legal issues and the morality of giving liquor to small children. Consider instead the very real danger of alcohol poisoning and a life of possible addiction!

That grandfather is doing something detrimental to the welfare of those innocent children. The parents should forget about "hurting his feelings" and put a stop to it.

I am finishing a court-ordered relapse program here in jail. I look forward to a clean and sober extended life when I am released. I have seen the hell of alcohol abuse and it's not pretty.

Please print this so others won't have to experience what I have been through. -- LOOKING FORWARD TO FREEDOM DEAR LOOKING FORWARD: If your testimonial doesn't get the attention of parents, nothing will. I have been told that children in families of alcoholics can have a genetic predisposition to the disease themselves, and that many alcoholics report having that same feeling of "completion" that you described upon tasting their first drink -- another reason why it's unwise to allow small children to develop a taste for alcohol.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I just had to write after reading the letter from the lady who signed herself, "Tired of All This Misbehaving."

I am 80, and I found her remarks offensive. When I was retired by my employer, I couldn't manage on my Social Security check. I tried to find another job, but no one wanted to hire me at my age.

A male acquaintance retired soon after, and realized that he, too, didn't have the funds to keep his apartment. I had a five-bedroom townhouse, and thought of renting out some rooms. However, a lawyer friend told me that if I advertised for roomers I would have to rent to anyone who had the money; I could not pick and choose. I was afraid to do that because I would continue to live there, too.

So I invited this man, who was a trusted neighbor, to share my home and expenses. This way we both could live in comfort, and it would cost us less money. We go shopping and attend church together. We also visit friends who are now in nursing homes. We have never slept together or had sex.

I know of other seniors who have similar arrangements so they can live decently and not go broke in the bargain. Recently, another senior male has joined us. We share expenses and household chores so it's easier on all of us. We get along like a family of sisters and brothers. Marrying just so outsiders won't criticize one's living arrangement is not always the right thing to do.

Please print this, Abby. I want people to know that it isn't always "living in sin" or "shacking up" as that lady thinks. –- AN ABBY FAN IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR FAN: I'm please to print your letter. As I said to the woman whose letter prompted yours, "Seniors who live together choose to do so for a variety of reasons, which are usually well thought out." People should not judge others.

DEAR ABBY: My fiancee is having financial problems. I want to help her, but she insists that I shouldn't because she'll be mad at me. I really want to help her. I don't like to see her struggle, and I have the money to do it -– plus, we're being married soon, so what's the big deal? What should I do? –- IN LOVE IN FLORIDA

DEAR IN LOVE: Don't force your help on your fiancee after she has refused it. This could be an important learning experience for her, and it's a chance for you to see her level of ingenuity and perseverance. I respect her stance and for not taking the easy way out. For the time being, be patient and keep your checkbook closed.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend whose husband tries to scare his 2-year-old child by jumping out of closets, from behind trees, etc.

I have seen the child tremble, cry and turn pale. The man thinks it is a "fun time" with his child.

What do you think of his behavior? He will see your answer. -– CONCERNED IN PHOENIX

DEAR CONCERNED: I hope you'll make sure he sees it. There is nothing "fun" about traumatizing a child. The father is sadistic, and he should consult with a psychotherapist to understand why he gets pleasure out of his child's pain, and to learn firsthand how damaging his "scare tactics" are.

If he refuses to stop, he should be reported to Children's Protective Services.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired 80-year-old general surgeon. I am writing because I disagree with your response to "Grieving in L.A.," whose friend died of cancer and was never told that she was terminally ill. The writer felt guilty.

The greatest factor in living, and in recovery from any illness or injury, is the patient's determination to live and recover. It is more important by far than the best of medical advice, supervision and treatment. To destroy hope is to seed defeat. The focus at home and in the professional environment should be directed at encouragement and a positive attitude. Any emphasis on "you are going to die" is, therefore, totally counterproductive. -- EUGENE S. KILGORE JR., M.D., TIBURON, CALIF.

DEAR DR. KILGORE: Intelligent minds can differ. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Before my first wife died of cancer in 1960, her doctor called me into his office. He said he would tell her all the facts and how much time she had left. I told him it was my responsibility. The doctor said it was her right -- that she might want to say something to the family or have something done. He was right! When I gave her the facts, she told me to get our minister, as she wanted to be baptized.

Abby, my wife literally got out of her deathbed to be baptized at the hospital.

Every person who is dying has the right to know. I have never regretted doing what I did. Please tell your readers who are wrestling with this question not to hold back the truth. -- L.L. IN FORT SMITH, ARK.

DEAR L.L.: You have made a compelling argument. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My husband was diagnosed with cancer early last year. Throughout his treatment, we were given optimistic scenarios which, one by one, proved to be unfounded. I pleaded with the doctors, hospital personnel and visiting nurses to give me honest answers about his chances for recovery. No one would.

My greatest sorrow is that we were never given the opportunity to properly say goodbye. There was much I wanted to say, and advice I needed to hear. The end came suddenly from cardiac arrest.

PLEASE TELL HEALTH CARE PERSONNEL TO TELL THE TRUTH WHEN PATIENTS OR FAMILY ASK FOR IT. Some people may not want to hear it -- that's their choice -- but when others seriously ask for it, please respond realistically. Had we been given honest answers, we could have expressed our heartfelt farewells, then enjoyed each remaining day as it came. -- GRIEVING IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRIEVING: My heart goes out to you. This is a question for which there is no one right answer. A Washington reader wrote that she and her husband joined a cancer support group. During one session, a surgeon asked if they would want to be told if they were terminal. To her surprise, all the patients said, "No."

Another reader's mother asked her, "Am I dying?" She replied: "I don't know. But let's do whatever we need to do as if you were. Let's talk and share; then if you don't die, we'll be all the richer." When her mother died two years later, her father said, "These were the happiest sad moments of my life." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My message is for "Grieving in L.A.": You are going over in your mind (and heart) a thousand ways you could have handled your dear friend's pre-death days. Please stop beating yourself up. Hindsight is always 20/20. You were between the proverbial "rock and a hard place." You were handling the end of you and your friend's relationship from the perspective of her husband's wishes, her mother's and her doctor's. Obviously, you were the best friend your friend could ever have had. It sounds to me like you did an exemplary job of juggling a difficult life situation. Your letter brought back a thousand memories. -- BEEN THERE IN FAIRFIELD, IDAHO

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)