DEAR ABBY: My mother is a dear lady, and I love her very much. She is long divorced and hasn't remarried. She lives alone quite far from me. We have been very close for the past few years, because I have been single for a long time. We have visited each other often, traveled together, talked on the phone every other day, etc.

I have finally met the man of my dreams. I love him and like to spend a lot of time with him. My mother is not happy for me. In fact, she is devastated that I no longer wish to spend all my vacation time with her or travel with her or talk on the phone quite as often.

I feel I have abandoned her in favor of my new love, and I feel terrible. Yet I also feel it is time to focus on making a life of my own -- maybe even marry and have my own family. However, Mom is living alone, and seems so sad when I tell her I will be spending my vacation with my new love.

Abby, am I being cruel to her? I love my mother very much and don't want to hurt her. -- WAVERING IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR WAVERING: I'm not surprised that your mother is less than overjoyed at your newfound love. You have been her confidante, travel companion and major source of entertainment for a long time. She'd be less than human if she didn't want that to continue.

Wanting to marry and make a life of your own is not cruel, it's normal. Your mother is unfair to lay a guilt trip on you.

It's time to encourage her to reach out to contemporaries for the emotional support she needs. There are any number of ways she can meet them -- adult education classes, senior citizen centers, volunteer work, square dancing classes; there are even tours especially for seniors. Do not allow yourself to be maneuvered into the role of your parent's parent. It is one that could last her entire remaining lifetime.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has been divorced from his ex-wife since 1992. They did not have children.

Abby, he still has the key to her condo. He says it's because he does work for her. He is a painting contractor. I think he should return the key and get it only when he has work to do there.

She calls him for everything -- from picking her up after a dentist's appointment to starting her car a couple of times a month while she's out of town. I think she should call some of her other friends. She has to call him only once for him to do whatever it is she wants. I have been after him for three years to change the showerhead in our shower. (I purchased it three years ago.) He says I "nag" him. I think three years is a long time to wait. When she calls him, he leaves work and does whatever it is she needs.

Am I being unreasonable by asking him to return her key? If the situation were reversed, I wouldn't be allowed to keep an ex-boyfriend's key and go to his place to do errands for him. Please answer. This is becoming a big problem for me now. -- HURTING IN FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.

DEAR HURTING: Your husband's first marriage may be over, but his emotional bond to his first wife hasn't been severed. I don't blame you for being upset. Most wives wouldn't tolerate what you have.

Tell your handy husband you feel threatened by his maintaining such a close tie to his former wife. You two are overdue for some marriage counseling. Pick up the phone and schedule an appointment. And while you're at it, call a plumber. Three years is too long to wait for your husband to install the showerhead.

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DEAR ABBY: I have been living with a man for more than a year. We get along perfectly, and he says he loves me.

The problem is he will not make a commitment to get married. I do everything a wife would do to make a comfortable home for us. I am approaching middle age, and I want the security of marriage.

Should I wait for him, hoping he will change his mind, or should I move on and find someone who would like to make a commitment? Any help would be appreciated. -- DISAPPOINTED IN SEATTLE

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Sometimes people don't realize how precious something is until it's gone. Tell your roommate he has had enough free samples, that it's marriage or nothing. If he loves you, you'll get your proposal. If he doesn't, you are better off without him.

P.S. A man who loves a woman wants her to have the security that comes with a marriage license.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think my mother's brother and his wife should be invited to my parents' 50th wedding anniversary dinner when, three years ago, they failed to acknowledge the death of my brother? My uncle claimed illness for not visiting the funeral home or attending the funeral. They never sent flowers or even a card. (And their granddaughter owns a card shop!)

They live nearby, and when we saw them later at other family functions, they never offered anyone in our immediate family their condolences. -- HURT AND ANGRY IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR HURT AND ANGRY: Please do not be so quick to judge. People grieve in their own way. Not everyone is comfortable attending funerals, and your uncle and his wife may have been afraid to bring up the subject of your brother's death for fear of causing you even more pain.

Unless your parents wish to single these relatives out for exclusion, they should be invited.

DEAR ABBY: My mother died recently. She was ill for five years and lived at home. Four of her adult children lived in the area. One of my sisters took it upon herself to set up Mom's medications and regularly take her to her many doctor's appointments. The rest of us did not ask her to do this, but it was a relief to know that she was able to do it for Mom.

Now that Mom has passed away, my sister has submitted a bill to the estate for $10,000 for "services rendered." Since the entire estate is worth only about $60,000, and the will states that everything is to be divided equally between all five children, the four of us feel her request is unreasonable.

How should we handle this? No matter what we decide, someone will be angry. -- MISSING MOM IN MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR MISSING MOM: Ask your sister how she came up with that figure. Investigate the current rates for home health-care workers in your area. You and your siblings should decide fairly among you how much your sister's efforts were worth, and reimburse her accordingly. (You may be surprised how reasonable her figure is!)

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DEAR ABBY: I am 37 years old and have one older brother who is 39. When we were growing up, our family was very close, but something happened when my father passed away eight years ago. Within a few years my mother remarried. Soon after, my marriage to an abusive man fell apart.

My brother decided to support my ex-husband and held me responsible for not giving him a "second chance." This hurt me deeply. When my mother recently divorced -- her husband wanted the divorce -- again, my brother took the husband's side. My brother's wife is a born-again Christian and doesn't believe in divorce, no matter what the reason.

My mother is heartbroken and so am I. I always looked up to my brother. I wish I knew it was his wife's influence and not his choice. He promised our father on his deathbed that he would take care of us. Not only has he walked away from us in our time of need, he has sided against us. I have tried talking to him, but it doesn't work. Is there anything I can do? I still love my brother and always will. -- SNIFFLING SIBLING IN TEXAS

DEAR SNIFFLING: If talking to your brother hasn't helped, there is nothing more you can do. I don't know whether his identification with other men is so strong that it colors the way he views you and his mother -- or whether he is unable (or unwilling) to keep his deathbed promise and can't face either of you. However, the reality is that you and she will have to rely on yourselves. Love him if you wish, but don't count on him for anything.

DEAR ABBY: My mother-in-law, who lives with us, still clings to the cultural values of the old country and expects everybody to conform to them. This sometimes results in confrontation and ill feelings among family members.

My son, who is 16, frequently brings friends home. Most of the time he remembers to introduce them to the family members, but there are times when he thinks he has already introduced them, so he doesn't.

My mother-in-law gets upset when the young people who show up at home do not acknowledge her. She comes from a culture steeped in values such as respect for elders. She feels these young guests should greet her, or smile at her, and that they have to do it first before she will return the greeting.

Although I value such traditions, in my opinion she does not have to wait. She can initiate the introduction. I told her she should just say hello to them and ask them nonchalantly to introduce themselves. She is adamant that she should be greeted first. I explained that we do not know if these young people are shy, or whether they have not been properly taught by their own parents. None of the kids are overtly rude, either to my mother-in-law or me. Who is right in this instance? -- MODERN MOTHER, CERRITOS, CALIF.

DEAR MODERN MOTHER: I don't know where your mother-in-law hails from, but in our culture it is also proper for young people to defer to older people. Make it clear to your son that when he brings friends to the house, he should make a point of greeting his grandmother and asking if she has met them. If she hasn't, he should introduce them. He should also explain to his friends what kind of behavior is expected from him -- and them.

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