DEAR ABBY: I just returned from the gym, and I feel terrible. My friend, "Norm," and I are experienced racquetball players, but only recently began playing against each other. Norm has never beaten me and is rarely able to keep the score close.

I recently read about a man in his 70s -- a scratch golfer -- who occasionally loses to lesser players when he feels they could use an ego boost. Of course, the other player has no idea that he has been allowed to win.

When I got to the gym this morning for my game with Norm, he began his litany of woes: divorced, estranged from family, barely ekes out a good living, etc. I immediately thought about the golf story, and decided that Norm would win today.

The game started strongly in Norm's favor. I had my hands full just trying to keep up with him. I had decided to keep it close -- hit most of the shots to his strong forehand and avoid his weak backhand at all costs. Several times I had to rally to tie up the score. Before long, Norm had 20 points to my 15 (21 wins it). At that point I did all I could to feed his forehand, not hit any tough shots and let him make the winning shot. He was unable to do so.

Finally, after a long volley, Norm hit the ball to me in a perfect "kill" situation. Before I knew what had happened, the game was over. I had won again.

Afterward, I told Norm he had played a great game and complimented him on his effort. However, my words felt hollow. I had won. He had lost. The opportunity was gone. I feel miserable. My competitive nature would not give up.

What now? -- FEELING GUILTY IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Now you continue playing racquetball with Norm and forgo throwing any of the games. Norm gave you a run for your money, and soon he's going to beat you fair and square. When he does, the victory will be genuine and the two of you should go out and celebrate. That is, if your competitive nature will permit you to enjoy another person's victory.

DEAR ABBY: I am confused. I received an invitation to my uncle's 80th birthday party, which is being given by his children. The invitation states, "No presents but your presence."

The other night my sister and mother asked me what I was giving to my uncle for his birthday. I said nothing but a card, as the invitation requested. My mother said she knows what the invitation said, but she was going to give him money, and my sister said she wasn't sure what she was giving, but she knows that my cousins would give "something" to my father under similar circumstances.

I was viewed as "difficult" by both of them because I feel strongly that you follow what an invitation requests, and it's unfair to others not to. My sister said, "Why is it that the people who choose not to do what they want are made to feel awkward?" I answered, "It's not you who's made to feel awkward; it's the people who follow instructions and come without a gift while others show up with one."

Please help, Abby. I don't know what to do or what is right. -- BETWEEN A ROCK AND A HARD PLACE IN OHIO

DEAR BETWEEN: You are not "difficult" for following your host's instructions. Guests who feel they "must" do something for the honoree when no gifts have been requested may make a donation in that person's name to his or her favorite charity. That way, no one is embarrassed for having followed the host's instructions.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I live in a three-bedroom apartment with two roommates. Since I was the last to move in, I have the smallest bedroom. Now, the person who occupies the largest bedroom is moving out, and I would like to move into his room. However, when I told him about this, he informed me that his cousin will be moving into the apartment after he leaves, and he will give the room to him.

I think this is unfair, since we all pay the same rent, and I have wanted that room for years. He feels he can do this because he was the one who lived here originally, and his parents are good friends with the landlord. I do not believe he should be able to make a decision that will go into effect after he is gone. Please advise. -- JIM IN THE HAMPTONS

DEAR JIM: Although your roommate's parents are friends of the landlord, this is business. The answer to your question might depend upon whose signature is on the lease for the apartment. Talk to your landlord.

P.S. Perhaps in the future, the person who occupies the largest bedroom should pay a larger share of the rent.

DEAR ABBY: I have a relative who is being married. The couple sent out two types of invitations: The first are embossed and elegant. The other is computer-generated and cheap-looking.

I think it was tasteless because, of course, I received the cheaper invitation, which indicates that my presence is not as important as those who received the nicer invitation.

I am no longer sure I will attend the ceremony. I value your opinion. What do you think I should do? -- ANONYMOUS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Feeling as you do, send the couple a lovely card wishing them every happiness and forgo attending the wedding.

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago, my grandson came to live with me. He is a single, working adult. Lately I've noticed mail that once came addressed to me now comes addressed to "Mr. and Mrs. John Smith." Telemarketers call for John Smith, and if my grandson is not home, ask for Mrs. Smith.

Abby, I am Mrs. Smith, but not Mrs. John Smith. One solicitor even asked if the co-owner of the house was available! I don't owe these people an explanation, but I do have to say something. Any suggestions? -- NOT MRS. JOHN SMITH, LOS ANGELES

DEAR NOT MRS. JOHN SMITH: Yes. First, apprise your grandson of the situation. Next, tell these callers you are "not interested," and to please remove your name from their list. Then hang up.

DEAR ABBY: While on our honeymoon, my wife called her first love and set up dinner for the three of us. Things were going well until I noticed she was looking at him with a little too much interest. She got upset with me when I mentioned it back in our honeymoon suite.

Later, she told me if I didn't let her go see him alone she would divorce me. She went and offered herself to him. He told her no man should go through what I had to go through on his honeymoon -- and he sent her back to me.

She asked my forgiveness and wants to get on with our lives. I look at her differently now and am trying to love her as I did before, but it's hard. What do you think? -- ALMOST JILTED ON THE JERSEY SHORE

DEAR ALMOST JILTED: Speak to a lawyer about an annulment. In my opinion, your marriage was over before it started.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My dear, late father read the old Baltimore News Post newspaper from cover to cover. He would put me on his lap and read the funnies or something special to keep me current and interested in the news. I have read newspapers ever since -- and always your column.

The letter from the woman whose little sister was killed when a young neighbor backed her car out of the driveway brought back many memories.

I believe I knew the family. We were in our early 30s then, with two children of our own. We met the family at church functions. They carried that beautiful child on their shoulders as a trophy -- and beautiful she was.

The parents owned a religious bookstore. When news of the tragic accident spread, everyone who knew them showed up at the church service and funeral. I remember the eulogies. That outpouring of love for this precious family was overwhelming.

After the service, there was a profound silence. Then a strong, beautiful singing voice began to fill the church. The song was, "Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so." I looked around and realized the voice was coming from the child's mother! People around me wanted to join in, but they couldn't choke back the tears.

I watched in amazement as this mother helped her husband to stand as their children followed. She led the entire church in the procession, never losing her strength or composure. Her voice soared above every other in that huge gathering.

She taught us that God loves us so much he grants supernatural strength when we need it most. Please tell this young woman that her family's example of strength and forgiveness touched my life and many others for more than 24 years. -- LINDA BRESSLER, TAMPA, FLA.

DEAR LINDA: And I'm sure your letter will touch the hearts of others, as it touched mine.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and in the fifth grade. I have a problem. I have homework that sometimes I can't do. I try to ask my mom and dad, but they are unable to help. Can you tell me the best place for me and my classmates to get homework help? I need some advice. -- HARD AT WORK IN FLORIDA

DEAR HARD AT WORK: I commend you for wanting help with your homework.

Ask your teacher to find an older student who has a clear understanding of the subjects with which you are having difficulty. Also, some local colleges have students who volunteer to help children who want to get ahead -- like you and your classmates. Perhaps your parents or teacher can contact a college for the names of students willing to help.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter in your column about the wearing of wedding rings, may I offer a suggestion?

My late, beautiful wife and I always agreed we would wear our wedding rings until we passed on. However, at times this has caused some embarrassment when people asked about my wife, not knowing she has passed on.

Since I do not want to remove my ring, I asked my jeweler to cut a groove in it and to blacken the groove. Now I wear it as a mourning ring, and it looks quite distinctive. -- JACK ANSPACH, VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR JACK: What a loving and respectful idea. I'm sure that many widows and widowers will appreciate your helpful suggestion.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)